Jokes

[Minus]

Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him.

Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars.

Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."

St. Peter shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."

 

[Bluey]

Wal Mart Applicant revealed...
Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in
California . They hired him because he was funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old *******)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FI VE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! ***

 

[evanescencefan91]

lol

wow that is great, man that doesn't really sound like a 75 year old,

 

[Minus]

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self-esteem and gives him a booklet on assertiveness training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, From now on "I'm the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker" She replies.

 

[Bluey]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, ' £ 5,000 for
a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used.'

 

[wah]

The guys in the gym are getting dressed after the workout.

The cell phone rings. Frank answers it and sets it to loudspeaker.

Frank: Hello?

Woman on the other side: Hi, honey, it's me. Are you home?

Franks looks around.

Frank: Ummm, no.

Woman: Okay, anyway ... I'm at the Prada and I found the most beautiful coat on sale. It was a thousand bucks just a week ago, now it's six hundred. Can I, pleease, honey? I like it soooo much.

Frank: Sure, why not?

Woman: Oh, honey, you're the best!!! Thank you so much!!! Can't wait to wear it for you! Oh, also, I just passed by a Mercedes dealer and they just got the new CLK 350 Coupe ... You know, that one in all the commercials ...

Frank: Really, how much is it?

Woman: 94 000 ... Oh, honeyyyy ... It's like it's calling my name ... May I, pleeease, pretty please? I'd be sooo happy ... In the way you like the most. Pleeease, honey?

Frank: Sure, why not? Just, you know, make sure it has all the gear.

Woman: Honey, you're the best!!! I don't know what to say ... I love you so much!!! Okay, see ya ... Oh, wait, one more thing ... The house is seriously overpriced ... The saleswoman just called me ten minutes ago, I almost fainted when she told me. They're not giving it away under half a mil. I didn't know what to say. But, honey ... Oh, honey, I love that house so much ... I know it's a lot, but ... I feel like I'm dying inside. Can we, pleeease?

Frank: Sure, why not?

Woman: What??? Really??? OMG, OMG, this is the best day ever!!! Honey... I don't know what to say. I love you more than any woman's ever loved a husband. Okay, gotta go, lots to run to, huh? See you at home. Love ya, baby!!! Byeee!

Frank: Bye!

Franks hangs up and looks at the guys.

Frank: Anybody know whose phone this is?

 

[Bluey]

Frank: Anybody know whose phone this is?

If it was mine I would be ready to kill him LMAO

 

[Bluey]

Body Info... F. Y. I.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.







Which one is not true?

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

 

[NeverMore]

LMAO to all three of them

 

[Sanal]

Which one is not true?

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

ROFLMAO!! I m gonna kill you Bluey...

 

[Sanal]

Idk if you have heard this before

4 facts..

Fact 1 : You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue



Fact 2 : All idiots are now tryin to touch their teeth with tougue



Fact 3 : Now you are smiling realizing that you have been fooled



Fact 4 : Fact 1 is a lie..

 

[Steel]

Sorry, *still* studying my thumb.

 

[Sanal]

Isaac Newton's 4th law

----If you run around a tree with the speed of light, you can F$%K your own a$$----

Newton's 5th law

----to nd fro motion produces white lotion----

6th law

----the height of the pole is direcetly proportional to the depth of the hole----

Tell me if its offensive.. I wil edt it..

 

[wah]

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

Yes, thumbs.

 

[Bluey]

Isaac Newton's 4th law

----If you run around a tree with the speed of light, you can F$%K your own a$$----

Newton's 5th law

----to nd fro motion produces white lotion----

6th law

----the height of the pole is direcetly proportional to the depth of the hole----

Tell me if its offensive.. I wil edt it..

LMAO and I was thinking huh I can touch my teeth with my tongue. You got me too, and its not offensive its just really funny

 

[Minus]

"Tiny, Tiny Cabin"

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of North
Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his
life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?'
he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father
there?' asked the tourist. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the
kid. 'Well, is your mother here? No, she left before I got here,' said
the kid. 'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a
family?' 'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the
outhouse!'

 

[Sanal]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

[Sanal]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".


pls tell me if its offensive.. i wl delete it..

 

[Sanal]

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

 

[Bluey]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!'