Hey everyone.
It has taken me so long, just to pull it together, to write this one post. I have spent days before today, telling myself I am going to post something on the forum.... but it didn't happen. Either I started feeling sick, or I was just apprehensive.. for a variety of reasons. I suppose the first post is always the hardest. I haven't been away from the forum for as long as this recent absence. It actually feels kinda weird to be doing this right now.
To say that I am deeply grateful and appreciative of each and every word written for me in this thread, said in your thoughts, prayers and personal messages to me, is quite an understatement. I was greatly surprised and touched at the tremendous amount of support, love and concern from my friends on here, members of the forum I do not know personally and people in real life who's been there. It's amazing to see how many people stepped forward, and how they changed when they realised my life was on the line.
When I was admitted to the hospital after I fainted and puked my guts out, I honestly thought the end was near for me. It felt like it. Remember before then, I had posted some about feeling sick, the bruising and bleeding perhaps even mentioned about how I would surrender to death if it was to come soon, as long as life lets me skip all the pain and suffering? Well, who was I kidding. Of course that won't happen. Life isn't about having things easy or go your way. At least not for me.
Somewhere in my gut feeling back then, I knew cancer was back. I didn't think it was going to come back different, and a lot worse than what I faced before. It took away everything from me, stripped me down from being this independent, physically strong and abled woman to the point of being so useless, helpless and dependent on others even for the slightest movement sometimes.
My request to come home after being in the hospital for so long didn't come easy either. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot do the same things I used to do at home, coming to terms with the side effects I was having from chemo..... and just coming to terms with having cancer, once again. It has taken me awhile to readjust and adapt. I was mostly in denial about my situation while I was in the hospital. It's hard to see it when you're not in your normal routine of your daily life.
So, I know that it seems like it's good news that I'm home... but it's not exactly so. I requested for it. They would not have allowed otherwise, we had to come to an agreement in order for me to be allowed back home. The precautions I have to take and the upcoming treatment plan I have to undergo. They were willing to be flexible with me, seeing how challenging the situation already is for me. Of course, I have the option to refuse treatment and just let nature and life run its course. Of course, that would also mean my days would then be numbered. I would be lying if I told you I haven't thought about doing this many times during this whole ordeal.
I won't really get into detail about how serious this is and how strong these *******ly cancer cells are but with having to skip chemo for a few days because my heart and some other functioning in my body is in a poor state, I fainted again just a couple of days ago. Maybe it is my fault for wanting to be home so much, that I have compromised my safety. But even if I didn't do that, the seriousness of the situation remains the same. I think it's worth it, at the very least.
I wasn't exactly sure what to say but I suppose it's only fair that I give my scoop of things that's going on with me, the real deal and to also thank everyone who's given me their well wishes. I say these sincerely, and from the bottom of my heart.
Many thanks Nuzzy Nuz, PenDragon, sanguineRose, Mr Seal The Albatros, Tulip23, jaguarundi, Jently, lonelyfairy, zero, Peaches, Arachne, Cavey, Shrimp, wolvesjr, shadetree, JHK, Magalie, NightHawkJohn, EveWasFramed, SophiaGrace, Punisher, ardour, Batman55, Triple Bogey, She-ra, Idol Minos, Oldyoung, Minus, VanillaCreme, Rainbows, Sci-Fi, Danielle, gabriel20, Katerina, Minty, Walley, Lowlander, Teresa, dax, kamya, johnny196775Again, Nicolelt, itsmylife, Samantha, Mouse & daughter, Scootch, Frostburn, Antihero, MissGuided, Rahvin, Syber Tiger, Wanderer145, RainbowWalker, and rivermaze. And to those who messaged me personally either on here or on Skype or through Rosebolt or Rodent.
Thank you for all your multiple messages, encouraging words of support and care and believing in my recovery. I read each and every word written by all of you and I cherish it all.
Last but not least, my deepest gratitude to my two buddies Rosebolt and Rodent, for staying by my side throughout up till now and for being the messengers here. I would not have made it this far if not for the both of you, for the most part. <3
Also, just to reply to some posts...
Tulip23 said:
I'm absolutely stunned to hear the news about you, Ladyforsaken
[/align]. Your one of the nicest, kindest and compassionate ladies that I've ever come across in my life. You don't deserve to be fighting this horrible disease. Please stay strong Ladyf and keep fighting always.
Rosebolt even though I haven't been here for a long time please let Ladyf know that I'm thinking about her.
She was such an inspiration to us all.
It's so nice to see you here again, Tulip. Thank you for always being so kind and thoughtful to me. I really hope you are doing better by now.
jaguarundi said:
LadyF told me some little time ago that she had fears for her health, but didn't want to go into it, so I respected her wishes and didn't press her on what exactly was going on.
I deeply feared at the time that it was a return of the cancer, and have thought of her often and wondered how she was doing.
I still will do so, and I believe she has a great deal of courage and can face and overcome anything. Please pass my wishes on.
Jag, you have contributed so much to how far I've come. I can never forget what you've done for me, thank you for your endless support and care.
Rainbows said:
Please tell her I believe in her that she can get through this. I cried many tears yesterday after I pretty much realised what was going on with her. I feel so sad. Please, please be strong.
I love you!
I'm sorry it made you cry. *hugs*
zero said:
I am speechless. Reading this instantly made me cry and feel brokenhearted.
But I`m trying to overcome the emotions, put my revolting thoughts about the why these things happen to such good, sensitive, empathetic and caring people aside and send Ladyforsaken a message of encouragement.
So please Rosebolt, tell Ladyforsaken, to keep faith and truly believe that she will win this battle with the disease. Never give up, always rise again. Fight until the very last moment. I know that it`s easier said than done, but it`s the best option. I don`t know if she believes in God or not (she`ll excuse me if not and consider I said Life), but sometimes God puts us at test through some very hard trials (diseases, obstacles, problems of all sorts) to see if we keep our faith and fight no matter what, or give up hope and surrender. The fighters win. One way or the other, the outcome is what`s best for us. She is strong, she is a good person, with the heart of an angel, she will make it. You are in my prayers, Ladyforsaken, and keep in mind that there are many many people, here on the forum and maybe elsewhere too, who totally support you and wish you to recover soon, get back on your feet and feel good and happy about life, smiling. We all send you our positive energy and best thoughts. You are in good care, think positive and fight! Everything will be alright again. (*big warm hug*)
Thank you Rosebolt for what you do.
Oh, zero. *hugs*
Peaches said:
thank you Rosebolt for this update, although very terrible // I don't know what to say, feel sick myself now upon hearing these news, from hearing her symptoms I was worrying very much and prayed every day that it wasn't anything bad, but…
Please tell her that I will pray for her, and ask a whole Buddhist convent to pray for her, and that maybe her time here isn't over, maybe there is still things to do here… She is such a perfectly beautiful spirit, whatever happens she will be OK, after this moment of struggle, and with all my heart I hope that things turn out in a way that she spends some more time on this planet Earth.
Sweetie, this is so horrible, I hope something in you finds the strength to fight some more, and you will be in my thoughts constantly. Lots of love…
Peaches, I was so so touched by you asking the whole Buddhist convent to pray for me. I may not be religious, but I respect the differences in beliefs people have and I am thankful nonetheless for their prayers. You've always been there, right from the beginning when I was still pretty much a newbie on here - it means so much to me. *hugs*
Arachne said:
Please relay my sincere wishes to Ladyforsaken, for a speedy recovery and strong battle with the disease. I will hold her in my devotions and say a healing energies prayer for her .. if I am not being to forward perhaps a healing chant. Blessed be dear sweet lady..
Healing Chant
Deep in my Bone
the Goddess is alive
Deep in my cells and blood
the Life Force is strong
Deep in my heart and spirit
I believe I will heal
I feel the Goddess at my core
filling me with faith and health
Abundant Life Forces of the Universe
flow in me, and banish all disease
My blood, my bones, my cells and my body
are healing now, are healing now
The Goddess force is in me
and healing me now
That is so beautiful and meaningful, Arachne. Thank you so much.
Cavey said:
Well, I knew she was ill and I knew about her previous health issues, so I was praying that this would not be the case. I'm very upset to hear that she was correct and she is very ill after all. If it wasn't for LadyF, I would never have visited the doctor and got my own health issues sorted, so I hold a special place in my heart for her.
I hope she'll be fine and I hope that she will join us again soon, because the forum is not the same without her presence. I almost feel like crying. Don't tell her that though.
Myabe I'll send her a get well card and 'glitter up' her world again.
Cavey, I'm just speechless. You're an awesome friend. *hugs*
Shrimp said:
Ladyyy I don't remember if I told you but I had leukaemia 5 years ago. I came out okay so I really hope you do too. I'm always here for you, good luck.
Hey Shrimp, I don't recall but I am really glad that you're okay now. I certainly hope it remains good for you for as long as you live. Thank you for your encouraging words.
SophiaGrace said:
Happy Valentines day Lady…<3
Mr Seal The Albatros said:
Sending (belated) Valentines day hugs.
Thank you - Happy Belated Valentine's Day to you too.
johnny196775Again said:
I've missed you too, Johnny.
itsmylife said:
Only just got to see this thread. I'm horrified. Take care LadyForsaken, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Thinking of you and I hope you improve soon, this forum is a darker place without you around xx
Damn, when was the last time I saw you. It's so nice to see you again, itsmylife. I hope you're doing okay there.
Syber Tiger said:
:'(
rose,tell her i am thinking of her and wish her all the best
she is a great friend :'(
i didnt know of this till now,or that she had problems like that
i feel so hopeless ,wish she gets better
-sends hugs to her-
Aw Tig, I've missed chatting with you. Hope you're well, my dear. *hugs*
Tulip23 said:
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Sending lots of positive thoughts your way Ladyf. Thinking about you lots since I found out about your illness. Take care
Beautiful flowers, Tulip. Lovely, thank you.
rivermaze said:
Damn, rivermaze. Come back again. I've missed you too.
Magalie said:
Thinking of you LadyF!Wishing and hoping all the best for you!*hug*
You just know how to get through to me, Mags. *hugs*
Lowlander said:
Great to hear you can be in the comfort of your own home. I hope you will steadily keep improving. You've always been and always will be in my thoughts, Lady
Take care and may you improve rapidly
Here see, I lit a new candle today, it's huge! It's for you and for others as well
Take care Lady
Lowly, that's very thoughtful of you, it's beautiful - thank you.
Hugs to all, I'm sorry if this is occupying too much attention or space. It is never my intention for such. But I do care about the forum and the people here a whole lot, I hope everyone is doing all right in the very least in their own lives. I wish I could do more than just putting out these words to show my gratitude - thank you, and please take care, everyone. I hope that after this, I can try to start posting again. How I've missed being here.