List of reasons for rejection

[Paraiyar]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out.   You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience.  Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

I fail to see how having several relationships beforehand, or marrying the next person after, makes any difference. Him being shot down doesn't matter because of that? It never happened because of relationships before and after? I'm not seeing the connection at all. I don't know why, but you seem to constantly think that just because someone has something in the now, that they have no idea what it's like to experience something that wasn't so nice. Any other relationship doesn't mean that a not-so-pleasant experience didn't happen.

And before you say, "I didn't say that," you kind of do when you diminish any other experiences because of anything else.

I think what Ardour means is that when you've had success in the past then a current rejection is likely to sting a lot less because your self esteem isn't as low in that area. A rejection on top of a history of failure can just reinforce the feeling of inadequacy.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You can but you generally want to make a positive first impression. In my experience women like men who look like they are having fun which is something I've learnt that I need to put real effort into.

It's too bad the first impression carries so much weight, especially when you don't know what you're doing. I agree about women liking men who look like they're having fun though. It definitely explains why a certain set of guys does so well...drinking, getting high, breaking stuff, and getting in fights, basically living like gangsters, rock stars, or other celebrities. And why you can't criticize them either, because people think you're criticizing the people having "fun" so you must be a square, lame, prude. It's been that way since school and probably will be that way forever. Makes me lose respect for people but I guess that's just the way it is.

Looking like I'm having fun is something I have to put work into as well. A lot of the stuff I do for fun is stuff that I do at home and/or stuff most women probably don't find fun, so that's hard. I'm sort of a homebody. I read, play games, guitar, listen to music, watch movies, walk and bike ride, and that's it for now. I've done some drawing and writing too off and on in the past. I don't really go out except to friends' houses. Even when I do, I don't really know what the fun things to do are. Especially the things that would make me more fun and unique than other guys. That's stumped me for a while. There's not a lot I like to do as far as going out goes, besides going to a movie or a car show. I'd cruise my own car if it was working, but again, it might just be fun for me, not others.

Concerts are OK but I usually wind up feeling lame for only watching someone do something I only wish I could do. I actually like making breakthroughs on the guitar at home more, it's more fun cause I'm getting better. But not really something that makes me look fun.

I do drink, but I don't really care for the bar atmosphere - usually too noisy, drinks are very overpriced, and there's usually no one there that stands out to me.

Sometimes I think I'd find more fun things to do in a more outdoorsy area. Where I live is mostly suburbs and city, and going out gets expensive quickly.

What are some places you go, things that you do to be more fun?

---

I'd say it's both.  It will change how you feel about what you get, but it also has the potential to change what you get. 

Changing your attitude doesn't make you a loser.  The only thing that can make you a loser is feeling like you are a loser.  You are what you think you are. 

But how do you know what potential you have if you don't try it?  Where has what you've been doing gotten you?  Will it really hurt anything to at least try it?

Well, losing makes me feel like a loser. Being defeated. Feeling ineffectual. I'd feel better about myself if I succeeded at more things, but I've never felt like a natural and I have a history of failure, getting things wrong, screwing up. Not just with women but all aspects of life. That's what makes me feel like I have no potential/might be a loser, and also why I question whether changing my attitude will have any effect. It never did before, so why would it change now? I feel like the only times I can succeed are when I'm going for something or someone I don't really want but it's just the best I feel like I can do, so they are still failures in a way. I've always had this gut feeling like I'm stuck at the level I'm at and the good life, and attractive, interesting women, are just not meant for me. But I'm not happy with that either.

Though I guess it won't hurt anything to try it, since I have nothing to lose. But I have a hard time believing that anything short of getting more abilities and stories will help me. And even then, I don't know.

---

A rejection on top of a history of failure can just reinforce the feeling of inadequacy.

Story of my life, right there. Every loss just confirms the feeling that maybe it doesn't matter what I do, cause maybe I'm hopeless. I don't even know what real winning feels like.

 

[ardour]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out.   You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience.  Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

I fail to see how having several relationships beforehand, or marrying the next person after, makes any difference. Him being shot down doesn't matter because of that? It never happened because of relationships before and after? I'm not seeing the connection at all. I don't know why, but you seem to constantly think that just because someone has something in the now, that they have no idea what it's like to experience something that wasn't so nice. Any other relationship doesn't mean that a not-so-pleasant experience didn't happen.

And before you say, "I didn't say that," you kind of do when you diminish any other experiences because of anything else.

I think what Ardour means is that when you've had success in the past then a current rejection is likely to sting a lot less because your self esteem isn't as low in that area. A rejection on top of a history of failure can just reinforce the feeling of inadequacy.

Yeah and if you've had past success it's easier to maintain hope and a positive outlook.

Without literally any past relationship experience, rejection has this dreaded low self-worth confirming symbolism to it: "I'm disgusting/unlikeable/boring and completely unattractive: I'll always be alone, here's more evidence confirming it."

 

[EveWasFramed]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out.   You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience.  Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

I fail to see how having several relationships beforehand, or marrying the next person after, makes any difference. Him being shot down doesn't matter because of that? It never happened because of relationships before and after? I'm not seeing the connection at all. I don't know why, but you seem to constantly think that just because someone has something in the now, that they have no idea what it's like to experience something that wasn't so nice. Any other relationship doesn't mean that a not-so-pleasant experience didn't happen.

And before you say, "I didn't say that," you kind of do when you diminish any other experiences because of anything else.

I think what Ardour means is that when you've had success in the past then a current rejection is likely to sting a lot less because your self esteem isn't as low in that area. A rejection on top of a history of failure can just reinforce the feeling of inadequacy.

^^ Yep...I also think this is what Ardour means. And if so, he makes a fair point.

 

[SilentLife]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out. You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience. Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

+1

In the end people always give advices based on their own personal experience. People may say what they want, but in the end most of the time they really can't relate to other people, and then just wonder, what the hell is wrong with you.

Okay, relationships aside. In other aspects of life I know I have been luckier/more fortunate than many other people. I am not in poverty, I don't work at a job I hate, I don't live in a warzone, etc.

So yeah I could feel superior/luckier than these people in some aspects, if I wanted. But I never ever go to tell these people some 'cheap advice' that oh what's wrong with you - do that and everything will be all right. Because I know it doesn't work, never will. Everyone's life journey and fate are different. Everyone is stuck in their own unique situation, which - obviously - some can get out of if the stars align, but others don't. There are many variables which influence the result, and humans can't control many of them. A human being is not as powerful as it likes to believe it is.

 

[TheRealCallie]

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.
That's exactly what some of the people here do. It's the same complaints, the same issues every time they post about the topic. Sure, you might get a question here and there that has a slight variation, but it doesn't seem that they follow through with it. They ask for advice and then shoot it down. Doesn't matter what the advice is, it seems that if it doesn't match what they think they should be doing, it's wrong somehow.

So I'm sorry, but the advice given, regardless of whether it comes from someone with relationship experience or not is not "cheap advice." It is, however, a waste of time to give it because all that anyone will get back is excuses about why they can't do it, or why they have no right to give them advice because they couldn't possibly understand.

I know I've said this before, but it seems to have to be repeated a lot. You don't know other people's experiences, you don't know how they handle rejection, you don't know what they've been through, so don't dismiss the advice they give so easily. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine, just ignore it. Or maybe, instead of making excuse after excuse, you should just give it a try. Usually, the advice given here won't hurt to try, so why not just try it and move on if it doesn't work? The entire point of advice is to get different takes on things, some things won't work, maybe everything won't work, maybe a combination of everything will work, but you actually have to DO something to make something happen.
Quite honestly, I think some people are afraid to try something different, because what if it actually works....

 

[SilentLife]

I know I've said this before, but it seems to have to be repeated a lot. You don't know other people's experiences, you don't know how they handle rejection, you don't know what they've been through, so don't dismiss the advice they give so easily. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine, just ignore it. Or maybe, instead of making excuse after excuse, you should just give it a try. Usually, the advice given here won't hurt to try, so why not just try it and move on if it doesn't work?

True that. Trying out an advice doesn't hurt.

But the thing is that throughout the years of life people have been trying out plenty of things already. It is not like people were born yesterday and are wondering now, where the hell are they.

So advice is exactly like that - works for some people, doesn't work for others. If it works for everyone, the whole world would be vastly different, wouldn't it? And there would be no problems at all.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I know I've said this before, but it seems to have to be repeated a lot.  You don't know other people's experiences, you don't know how they handle rejection, you don't know what they've been through, so don't dismiss the advice they give so easily.  If it doesn't work for you, that's fine, just ignore it.  Or maybe, instead of making excuse after excuse, you should just give it a try.  Usually, the advice given here won't hurt to try, so why not just try it and move on if it doesn't work?  

True that. Trying out an advice doesn't hurt.

But the thing is that throughout the years of life people have been trying out plenty of things already. It is not like people were born yesterday and are wondering now, where the hell are they.

So advice is exactly like that - works for some people, doesn't work for others. If it works for everyone, the whole world would be vastly different, wouldn't it? And there would be no problems at all.

And yet there are some who won't try anything different because they think that that means they have to be a loser or "settle" or some other excuse that gets them out of trying something different.

As I said, I think for some people, while they say they want things to be different, I think they are afraid to try anything different.

Year after year with essentially the same posts as when they first joined....sorry, it's time to do something different if you really want things to change.

 

[Paraiyar]

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  
That's exactly what some of the people here do.  It's the same complaints, the same issues every time they post about the topic.  Sure, you might get a question here and there that has a slight variation, but it doesn't seem that they follow through with it. They ask for advice and then shoot it down.  Doesn't matter what the advice is, it seems that if it doesn't match what they think they should be doing, it's wrong somehow. 

I agree with this also. Wish some people would wake up before it's too late for them.

 

[Nicolelt]

Does changing your attitude change what you get, or is it only supposed to change the way you feel about what you get?

Negative people aren't attractive. It's that whole confident/attitude thing so many women have talked about on various threads.

You can think of your life as "I'm all alone." or "Hey, I'm only 2 people short of a threesome!"

 

[user 139760]

But that's my point. None of us are superior to each other, we're just made to feel that way because of others around us. Why does what anyone else, either society, peers or anything else, matter?

I'll take Ska for example, simply because I started this line with him. I've had several relationships in my life, some good, some VERY bad. I don't remember who (this thread is kind of going too quick all over the place for me lol) said that I jumped and married the first girl after I got rejected. Untrue. First, never got married. That's a particularly painful experience I hopefully will never go through, because it's a cash business now more than anything else. Hopefully someday the girl I date will feel the same.

Second, my very first relationship...why do you think I DIDN'T have a history of rejection before? Listen, without bragging, I happen to think I have a pretty good taste in men (not enough to date them though lol). I can appreciate someone who looks good. I've seen Ska's profile pic, if it's really him and honestly, he looks better than I do. Much better than right now, I'm sorry to say for myself lol. So it's not a matter of looks. EVEN if it were a matter of looks, I've seen very beautiful young girls with repulsive, older, very disgusting men. I've seen 4'8 chineese girls who look like they're 15 with 60 year old beer belly men. My point being; WHY is a rejection NECESSARILY a reflection of you? Because that ugly old ******* got the girl, if you're remotely not even close to that, there is NO reason, if you have a better personality, you can't get the girl either.
What makes someone repulsive or not isn't what he looks like. Sure, it helps at first, but it's far, FAR from being the reason a person is attracted to another. Right now I work with this GORGEOUS girl, totally hot. I'd pick her out of a crowd in seconds. She has a boyfriend, but even though that's never stopped me before (I try not to do that anymore though LOL), her personality makes her pretty repulsive. I wouldn't touch her with a stick. In all likelyhood too, SHE would reject ME, because she's off her damn rocker.

In the end, you can find whatever excuses you can, but if you feel rejected, mainly, it's because you let it get to you and get discouraged as soon as you get rejected. You don't try and figure it out and stop at "I'm not good enough". I'm sorry, but that just isn't true. It's an easier way to rationalize what we can't because we have NO control over someone else, but it's not doing your mental health any good. It's either because the other person doesn't see it (or is whack, there's loads of men and women out there with two pipes short of a waterbasin, if you get my drift) or it's because there's something you need to work on, yourself, AS A PERSON. Ska understands this (said so himself, he's looking to improve himself and figure out why he has that attitude) and that attitude is often the main crutch.

If you have a history of rejection, you're doing something wrong. Personality always shines through, which is why so many guys are stuck in the "nice guy" role. They don't try to get out of it.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. "
That's often part of the problem.
You want to see the kind of thing I'm talking about? Google Kevin Smith (Silent Bob for nerds), then google his wife. I don't know if SHE settled, but he definetely did NOT.
Anyways, I've spoken my peace now, you guys can reflect on it. My point was, dwelling and blaming yourself is ultimately destructive. NEVER let yourself be boggled down by failiure.

 

[SilentLife]

Looks is definitely not everything, I'd say energy is.

Those 60-year-old uglies, who can attract young girls, probably have some kind of a strong energy, like a 'badass' energy.

You don't see any 60-year-old with a young lady, only certain kind of such people.

 

[user 139760]

Looks is definitely not everything, I'd say energy is.

Those 60-year-old uglies, who can attract young girls, probably have some kind of a strong energy, like a 'badass' energy.

You don't see any 60-year-old with a young lady, only certain kind of such people.

LOL My city has often been compared to New York, 10 years behind.
Trust me, I've seen a LOT of ****.
Guys secretly living with 5 wives. Guy beating up a girl after a car crash, when the firemen come they pry the dude off her, only to have her jumping on them saying "leave my man alone!".
Point is, if you can imagine it, it exists. Which is why I often say nothing surprises me anymore. Which is hilarious considering I'm constantly being surprised.
What do they have? Beats me. Maybe nothing, because some people like nothing, too.
Bottom line is, you'll never know until you try. It's not being rejected that's the crime, it's the not trying anymore that is. If you get 1000 rejections but get your one shot at happiness, it makes those rejections worthwhile, in my book.

 

[X-1 Alpha]

You don't see any 60-year-old with a young lady, only certain kind of such people.

Yes, the rich kind (I kid, I kid)

But there's certainly some truth to what you're saying.
I might be wrong here, but wouldn't that be something akin to a "larger than life" personality?

 

[SilentLife]

LOL My city has often been compared to New York, 10 years behind.
Trust me, I've seen a LOT of ****.
Guys secretly living with 5 wives. Guy beating up a girl after a car crash, when the firemen come they pry the dude off her, only to have her jumping on them saying "leave my man alone!".

I trust you on that. The world is an ugly place. Nothing surprises me either. Sadly.

---

Bottom line is, you'll never know until you try. It's not being rejected that's the crime, it's the not trying anymore that is. If you get 1000 rejections but get your one shot at happiness, it makes those rejections worthwhile, in my book.

I think you have a point. However, there needs to be a time, when you take a rest from rejections, and hence from tryings. Because if you have "too many", you need to re-charge your batteries and re-consider the places to go to and which kind of people to meet. And how to go ahead with your life in general.

By this I mean that genuinely opting to be alone for a while could have a better effect for the longer term, whatever that might be.

I might be wrong here, but wouldn't that be something akin to a "larger than life" personality?

Interesting wording. Could be.

 

[kamya]

Looks is definitely not everything, I'd say energy is.

Those 60-year-old uglies, who can attract young girls, probably have some kind of a strong energy, like a 'badass' energy.

You don't see any 60-year-old with a young lady, only certain kind of such people.

A certain green kind of strong energy?

 

[X-1 Alpha]

Oi, green energy is all the rage nowadays! Don't make fun of it

 

[Xpendable]

I don't trust women opinions on this site. By their own admition, it seems they haven't made the best choices either.

 

[beautiful loser]

^ Oh this ought to be good

 

[Paraiyar]

I don't trust women opinions on this site. By their own admition, it seems they haven't made the best choices either.

Have you?