Lonely and Coping With a Friends Death..

[Running Alone]

...is a brutal place to be. I've been struggling with emptiness and the "just existing" feeling for decades (I'm 51) like many here, but I'm also conditioned to it, totally numb and content to live in my solo comfort zone, lonely, but comfy...but yikes, a friend of 35 years (and co-worker for the last 25) just passed away last week and it has completely crushed my little world. I feel cheated somehow, like my friend deserved more time (he was 63 and died suddenly from a heart attack) because selfishly, I felt like that would've been more time for me too, time I needed his friendship in helping me a long until I get out of here myself someday. Now it seems like it's going to be harder than it was already.

Dealing with death is tough for everyone, I understand that, but when you're alone in the world and then lose someone, I dunno, it just seems to amplify the void that is my life even more. I know it gets better with time, but at my age, heh, I wish it was over already. Oh I'm not suicidal, never have been, don't have the stones to even entertain the idea - but I sure sometimes wish my time would hurry up and get here naturally at least. If there is a god, wtf kind of path was this you tossed me on? I mean if I'm useless to society and you had no plans for me, then at least have a heart and get me out of here, would ya, pfft. I want my friend back.

 

[Finished]

Welcome and sorry for your loss. I'm the same age and have been completely alone for over a decade. IMO, it is getting more common. I said F it and stopped working and removed myself from society. This life has nothing for me. I have many skills that can make other people money. But, that means nothing to me. Now I just do whatever I want on the cheap, which is mostly hobbies, camping, and various outdoor activities while trying to stay away from others who don't want to have anything to do with me anyway.

 

[HellsLittleAngel]

...is a brutal place to be. I've been struggling with emptiness and the "just existing" feeling for decades (I'm 51) like many here, but I'm also conditioned to it, totally numb and content to live in my solo comfort zone, lonely, but comfy...but yikes, a friend of 35 years (and co-worker for the last 25) just passed away last week and it has completely crushed my little world. I feel cheated somehow, like my friend deserved more time (he was 63 and died suddenly from a heart attack) because selfishly, I felt like that would've been more time for me too, time I needed his friendship in helping me a long until I get out of here myself someday. Now it seems like it's going to be harder than it was already.

Dealing with death is tough for everyone, I understand that, but when you're alone in the world and then lose someone, I dunno, it just seems to amplify the void that is my life even more. I know it gets better with time, but at my age, heh, I wish it was over already. Oh I'm not suicidal, never have been, don't have the stones to even entertain the idea - but I sure sometimes wish my time would hurry up and get here naturally at least. If there is a god, wtf kind of path was this you tossed me on? I mean if I'm useless to society and you had no plans for me, then at least have a heart and get me out of here, would ya, pfft. I want my friend back.

We all want those close to us to remain with us forever, and when we lose them, a little piece of ourselves get lost along the way. I don't deal with death like most. I've never shed a single tear for anyone who has passed in my life, except for when my closest person left this world...my mother. She was the closest to me, and I took her death very hard. I didn't even cope with it right away. I numbed every single thing in me even worse than what I was already dealing with, which was toxicity. I didn't deal with her death until about 2 years later. Until then, I went straight down the rabbit hole of destructive behaviors, along with the destruction I was already going through. Otherwise, people's deaths don't affect me whatsoever. They have to be extremely close and mean everything to me. Otherwise, doesn't faze me whatsoever. I have a very stoic response to death in general.