(Mini rant) Can you be too attractive to have problems?

[CenotaphGirl]

Shallow, that word is used a lot when referring to treatment of unattractive people, some people are shallow to attractive people however, it just gets swept under the waves.
I have been dismissed from conversations because I was deemed too attractive to have "real" problems.
My loneliness was assumed to be a choice and I can't have low self-esteem because I used to be a model, so I'm obviously fishing for compliments.
My mental health issues were ignored because "all the pretty girls are crazy" am I right?

People in support groups have apologised to me, for misjudging me... saying they thought differently of me due to the way I look.
I went to group therapy after recovering from a suicide attempt and everyone was nice to me lol finally I am not the outcast... but...
I didn't like it though, as it didn't feel like genuine care like they had with each other. It felt like pity and I have never needed or wanted that.
The plain Janes relish that I am on the outside and they are deemed the queens of the group because they don't make the men feel anger. (guess that makes them feel pretty for the first time?)
Took me a long time to understand that to some men, an attractive woman is a source of anger, they look like the rest that passed them over... so they are all bad.

As vain as people think I am, the girl constantly staring at her own reflection, it's from a place of deep insecurity, I don't see what others see but I also understand my status.
I am attractive in the sense that I attract men, that is not to say I am beautiful though... theres a huge difference and that difference breaks my heart.
I want to be beautiful, but I wasn't born to be, I was born to be "the other woman"... my biological mother was and I barely knew her before being adopted and yet...
I feel like I am her, just another useless home wrecking skank. I can try to be a nice girl, but its all pretend, who I am is stained by her.

So if you aren't a good person... if you aren't beautiful on the inside and you never can be... should you be allowed to be here? Is there space on this ball of water for people like me...

 

[ardour]

To be blunt it does seem you've chosen a path compensating for low self-esteem via a certain kind of attention from men, jealousy from other women, the limited sense of power that comes from that. It's possibly what you're giving off when attending these groups.

People do judge the attractive as having the mental health equivalent of First World Problems, and as you point out this is "their space" where they have the power and become the center of attention for a change.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

To be blunt it does seem you've chosen a path compensating for low self-esteem via a certain kind of attention from men, maybe jealousy from other women, the limited sense of power that comes from that. It's possibly what you're giving off in vibes too, not just appearance.

People do judge the attractive though as having mental health equivalent of First World Problems, just because the source of your problems isn't the same as theirs, and as you point out this is "their space" where they have the power and become the center of attention for a change.

Everything is correct apart from the jealousy thing, I’ve never wanted any woman to feel jealous of me, that would take some real self-esteem and vanity I do not have.

I used to chalk things up to being a lost little girl looking for love in all the wrong places… but im older now, its not cute anymore… its crushing… I am agreement with incels on the vibe thing, its bullshit, ppl say vibe because they dont wanna spell it out..

Thats the thing, I’ve never wanted to play the my problem is bigger than yours game, I just wanted to find some common ground… some mutual respect…

 

[user 135671]

When it comes to the grand scale of human suffering, we don't often think about the unique problems that come with being considered conventionally beautiful. But "attractive people problems" are a real thing.

While I don't think I'm attractive, other people have said that I am and that my anxious, socially awkward natures have led me to be deemed cold or stuck up. People of the opposite sex are your 'friends' right up until the point you make it clear you don't want anything more with them and then they ghost you. It hurts losing friends that way.

"Wow, you’re a lot smarter than I thought you’d be!" isn't the compliment you think it is. And facing undermining or belittling behaviour from colleagues because your appearance leads them to think you're unqualified, or that you got your job through anything but merit, is rage inducing and why I've been self employed most of my life.

Having said that focusing too much on your appearance can itself be detrimental if it creates undue stress and anxiety, even for those already blessed with good looks. If you are obsessing about attractiveness, it may alter your experience and interactions, It’s a cliché, but no amount of beauty can make up for a bad personality. As the writer Dorothy Parker put it so elegantly: “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

 

[TheRealCallie]

Everyone has problems. Doesn't matter what you look like, how much money you have, how famous you are, what you do, who you have in your life....it doesn't matter, at all. Every single person has problems. They may be small, they may be big, but they have problems.
Hell, some people here think my life is perfect and that I've never been through anything significant in my life. My point is that it also doesn't matter where you go, someone is going to have some type of issue with you, say something you don't like, judge you, dismiss you. People can be ******** and it's easier to extend their honeysuckle outward than it is to work on themselves. There will always be someone that needs someone else to blame. Sadly, the "attractive" people get that blame a lot, because like me on this forum, what could they possibly have to ***** and whine about? Their lives are perfect. Some people don't care to look deeper. Those people don't matter.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Simply Put: No, that's just not possible.

And in all actuality, as humans move more and more towards all things relating to instant gratification, the more apparent it becomes that it's only a temporary or band-aid type of a fix to a problem, rather than actually trying to fix a problem.

Problem Solving is a skill, and a very complex one at that.
It could be argued that we as a species do nothing but Problem Solving.

Mark Manson, who wrote The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A fresia postulates basically exactly that:
All of life is problems, and that the solution to one problem is merely the creation of and replacement by yet another problem. He thereby suggests that Happiness comes from Problem Solving (as opposed to the world of Business, wherein Money comes from selling people Circular Logic and NOT solving problems).

And honestly, I'm kind of inclined to agree with the man, and not just because I have a biased opinion for loving the book.

I've worked for million dollar entrepreneurs, and with brokers and accountants, if money truly made people happy than these would not be some of the most dysfunctional and depressed people I have ever met. So, that rules that out.

I don't think I need to explain why romantic or sexual love isn't the key to happiness either, I mean Hell, that's literally the most covered issue on the entirety of the internet. So, it's not there, either, no matter how much we wish it was.

You're never "too pretty to not have problems," that doesn't exist.
Britney Spears, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, you find me a celebrity, and I can guarantee you that they have problems. Have you ever seen the musical Chicago? "That's show biz" is a very dismissive term for bygone celebratory status in society, BECAUSE there is no such thing as a life without problems, it just is not possible.

Very often actually, the problems that attractive and wealthy people both tend to have, are either misunderstood or understated by the people that do not have these such problems. The misconception comes from their lack of personal experience with such problems. Not to drag his cornyass into this, but Andrew Tate is a great example of this:

Men that do not have the ability to arbitrarily walk into a room and sexually pick up any girl for the night love Andrew Tate because they do not understand how Andrew Tate gets his money, or the role of the women he accessorizes himself with, and effectively miss the punchline that the women Tate surrounds himself with is not the goal, it's the bait for the Forever Alone Man to give Andrew Tate more money for his Ponzi Scheme of a business model. --That's actually the entire reason I'm tired of hearing about the man, not because I have anything actually against him, just that his fanbase is so naïve I do not have enough palm to facepalm for the amount of facepalming that is required for that mess.

But to break it down simply, and with Mark Manson's perspective realism:
Choosing what you want in your life to work toward is easy, everyone wants to be able to walk into a room like a total baller and just buy everything out and run the whole room like a God. That's an easy want. A better and more realistic question should really be:

What are the sufferings that you are willing to deal with in your life to achieve the goals that you want for the longevity of your life?

People don't like this solution though, and it isn't very popular, BECAUSE it's realistic.

I met a man once who was a successful stock broker. He told me that in his late teens he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and their families forced them to get married as a result. He suffered quite some time in his early years this way, suddenly realizing that he needed to make enough money to support his family, he went to accounting school, later getting into the stock world. Him and his wife had another 2 children after the first, for a total of 3 kids. He retired out of being a broker due to the high competition and stress and worked as a manager for an electrical company for 10 years that works on the local city grid, loosely tightening up off of his savings when need be, and because he was investing professionally he understood how to make wise financial decisions.

His oldest daughter is married and is now expecting a child. His son, his middle child, only ever draws the attention of women because he has a seemingly wealthy family, which as you can expect, frustrates the retired broker. He also, recently got a woman pregnant, and so the cycle continues. The punchline is, that the retired broker ended up in this situation because he needed to make money to support his family, and now his family is so used to him supporting them that they all run to him for money and live life all willy-nilly doing whatever, so he works his now meager job with his brother-in-law in part to get away from the frustration of having to support his family who takes advantage of his support. By this, you would expect him to be older, but he is barely 50 years old. He's also honestly 2 or 3 times my size in muscle mass and physique, and was very obviously quite attractive in his younger years.

So you see?
There is no such thing as a life without problems.
Life is actually about choosing which problems that you are okay dealing with for the longevity of your life.
There is no such thing as being too attractive or too successful to have problems.

 

[user 139760]

No.
Don't be one of those.
Don't go around excusing what you already deyermined to be reprehensible behavior on your part by making excuses for it saying "this is who I am, my past has made me this way".
EVERYONE has a choice. That choice is hard, can be an extremely difficult path to follow, but it still is a choice. No one is born, or is raised bad enough that it stays that way. No one is born "not beautiful" on the inside, we make a conscious choice to stay that way and find things, people or ideas to blame it on. But it just isn't true. Just like a killer makes a conscious choice to take a life, you choose to be the way you are and seek tge validation of others to up your own self-esteem. If you don't like it, you change it. But don't go around blaming others for their views on you for what YOU chose to project. No one but yourself is forcing you to look in the mirror. How about you don't look at one for 6 months?

Food for though. Have a posh one

 

[user 135067]

Maybe problems are just challenges that we've not learned to solve. Maybe the only problem is letting our challenges overwhelm us thus impeding our opportunities to solve them.

 

[TheRealCallie]

No.
Don't be one of those.
Don't go around excusing what you already deyermined to be reprehensible behavior on your part by making excuses for it saying "this is who I am, my past has made me this way".
EVERYONE has a choice. That choice is hard, can be an extremely difficult path to follow, but it still is a choice. No one is born, or is raised bad enough that it stays that way. No one is born "not beautiful" on the inside, we make a conscious choice to stay that way and find things, people or ideas to blame it on. But it just isn't true. Just like a killer makes a conscious choice to take a life, you choose to be the way you are and seek tge validation of others to up your own self-esteem. If you don't like it, you change it. But don't go around blaming others for their views on you for what YOU chose to project. No one but yourself is forcing you to look in the mirror. How about you don't look at one for 6 months?

Food for though. Have a posh one

I agree with this. People who knew me in high school wouldn't believe who I am now. People who know me now can't believe I was like I was when I first came here. It definitely is a choice. Who you were yesterday doesn't have to be who you will be tomorrow. Every day you make a choice about who you are going to be.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

When it comes to the grand scale of human suffering, we don't often think about the unique problems that come with being considered conventionally beautiful. But "attractive people problems" are a real thing.

While I don't think I'm attractive, other people have said that I am and that my anxious, socially awkward natures have led me to be deemed cold or stuck up. People of the opposite sex are your 'friends' right up until the point you make it clear you don't want anything more with them and then they ghost you. It hurts losing friends that way.

"Wow, you’re a lot smarter than I thought you’d be!" isn't the compliment you think it is. And facing undermining or belittling behaviour from colleagues because your appearance leads them to think you're unqualified, or that you got your job through anything but merit, is rage inducing and why I've been self employed most of my life.

Having said that focusing too much on your appearance can itself be detrimental if it creates undue stress and anxiety, even for those already blessed with good looks. If you are obsessing about attractiveness, it may alter your experience and interactions, It’s a cliché, but no amount of beauty can make up for a bad personality. As the writer Dorothy Parker put it so elegantly: “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

Thats it RandomGuy, you get it. Honestly I think people can get addicted to everything, and being addicted to improving how I look can be exhausting, and yes as you righty mentioned cause more issues than not, had to read my post again as I meant to go on about how hard it is to be accepted as people often have a perceived notion if you look a certain way and or have money is another oneeee.

Everyone has problems. Doesn't matter what you look like, how much money you have, how famous you are, what you do, who you have in your life....it doesn't matter, at all. Every single person has problems. They may be small, they may be big, but they have problems.
Hell, some people here think my life is perfect and that I've never been through anything significant in my life. My point is that it also doesn't matter where you go, someone is going to have some type of issue with you, say something you don't like, judge you, dismiss you. People can be ******** and it's easier to extend their honeysuckle outward than it is to work on themselves. There will always be someone that needs someone else to blame. Sadly, the "attractive" people get that blame a lot, because like me on this forum, what could they possibly have to ***** and whine about? Their lives are perfect. Some people don't care to look deeper. Those people don't matter.

Callie... are you trying to tell me your life isn't perfect lol I joke, its true I guess people just presume things about others on the surface.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Simply Put: No, that's just not possible.

And in all actuality, as humans move more and more towards all things relating to instant gratification, the more apparent it becomes that it's only a temporary or band-aid type of a fix to a problem, rather than actually trying to fix a problem.

Problem Solving is a skill, and a very complex one at that.
It could be argued that we as a species do nothing but Problem Solving.

Mark Manson, who wrote The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A fresia postulates basically exactly that:
All of life is problems, and that the solution to one problem is merely the creation of and replacement by yet another problem. He thereby suggests that Happiness comes from Problem Solving (as opposed to the world of Business, wherein Money comes from selling people Circular Logic and NOT solving problems).

And honestly, I'm kind of inclined to agree with the man, and not just because I have a biased opinion for loving the book.

I've worked for million dollar entrepreneurs, and with brokers and accountants, if money truly made people happy than these would not be some of the most dysfunctional and depressed people I have ever met. So, that rules that out.

I don't think I need to explain why romantic or sexual love isn't the key to happiness either, I mean Hell, that's literally the most covered issue on the entirety of the internet. So, it's not there, either, no matter how much we wish it was.

You're never "too pretty to not have problems," that doesn't exist.
Britney Spears, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, you find me a celebrity, and I can guarantee you that they have problems. Have you ever seen the musical Chicago? "That's show biz" is a very dismissive term for bygone celebratory status in society, BECAUSE there is no such thing as a life without problems, it just is not possible.

Very often actually, the problems that attractive and wealthy people both tend to have, are either misunderstood or understated by the people that do not have these such problems. The misconception comes from their lack of personal experience with such problems. Not to drag his cornyass into this, but Andrew Tate is a great example of this:

Men that do not have the ability to arbitrarily walk into a room and sexually pick up any girl for the night love Andrew Tate because they do not understand how Andrew Tate gets his money, or the role of the women he accessorizes himself with, and effectively miss the punchline that the women Tate surrounds himself with is not the goal, it's the bait for the Forever Alone Man to give Andrew Tate more money for his Ponzi Scheme of a business model. --That's actually the entire reason I'm tired of hearing about the man, not because I have anything actually against him, just that his fanbase is so naïve I do not have enough palm to facepalm for the amount of facepalming that is required for that mess.

But to break it down simply, and with Mark Manson's perspective realism:
Choosing what you want in your life to work toward is easy, everyone wants to be able to walk into a room like a total baller and just buy everything out and run the whole room like a God. That's an easy want. A better and more realistic question should really be:

What are the sufferings that you are willing to deal with in your life to achieve the goals that you want for the longevity of your life?

People don't like this solution though, and it isn't very popular, BECAUSE it's realistic.

I met a man once who was a successful stock broker. He told me that in his late teens he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and their families forced them to get married as a result. He suffered quite some time in his early years this way, suddenly realizing that he needed to make enough money to support his family, he went to accounting school, later getting into the stock world. Him and his wife had another 2 children after the first, for a total of 3 kids. He retired out of being a broker due to the high competition and stress and worked as a manager for an electrical company for 10 years that works on the local city grid, loosely tightening up off of his savings when need be, and because he was investing professionally he understood how to make wise financial decisions.

His oldest daughter is married and is now expecting a child. His son, his middle child, only ever draws the attention of women because he has a seemingly wealthy family, which as you can expect, frustrates the retired broker. He also, recently got a woman pregnant, and so the cycle continues. The punchline is, that the retired broker ended up in this situation because he needed to make money to support his family, and now his family is so used to him supporting them that they all run to him for money and live life all willy-nilly doing whatever, so he works his now meager job with his brother-in-law in part to get away from the frustration of having to support his family who takes advantage of his support. By this, you would expect him to be older, but he is barely 50 years old. He's also honestly 2 or 3 times my size in muscle mass and physique, and was very obviously quite attractive in his younger years.

So you see?
There is no such thing as a life without problems.
Life is actually about choosing which problems that you are okay dealing with for the longevity of your life.
There is no such thing as being too attractive or too successful to have problems.

It's like people know it deep down, but it's like what they are really trying to say is either the whole I suffer more piss match or I'd rather be depressed and hot since im depressed anyway, or even that they'd use their looks to evade depression and if the attractive person really wanted to they could find a way, or use someone to not be depressed. I guess the idea is frustrating because life is so much more complex than that, but no one cares because its easier to make someone the enemy.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Callie... are you trying to tell me your life isn't perfect lol I joke, its true I guess people just presume things about others on the surface.

I'd say it's about 99.9% perfect, but well, that 0.1% is a real *****.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

No.
Don't be one of those.
Don't go around excusing what you already deyermined to be reprehensible behavior on your part by making excuses for it saying "this is who I am, my past has made me this way".
EVERYONE has a choice. That choice is hard, can be an extremely difficult path to follow, but it still is a choice. No one is born, or is raised bad enough that it stays that way. No one is born "not beautiful" on the inside, we make a conscious choice to stay that way and find things, people or ideas to blame it on. But it just isn't true. Just like a killer makes a conscious choice to take a life, you choose to be the way you are and seek tge validation of others to up your own self-esteem. If you don't like it, you change it. But don't go around blaming others for their views on you for what YOU chose to project. No one but yourself is forcing you to look in the mirror. How about you don't look at one for 6 months?

Food for though. Have a posh one

Oh no... you misunderstood me I am not trying to excuse things I've done, simply trying to say that who I am is not who I am making the effort to be... it feels unnatural to me. I am not sure if anyone else ever feels this way... like they are living a lie, like they are naturally this hideous person on the inside but they try their very best to be better than that because... what's the alternative?

I have issues, due to events in my life that I have to find the strength to move on from. However, when I try to seek help I am met with misconceptions about who I am and what I stand for, simply because I am not "ugly" outwardly... so to speak... but I have an ugliness on the inside... I think passed on by that wretch of a mother of mine.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Maybe problems are just challenges that we've not learned to solve. Maybe the only problem is letting our challenges overwhelm us thus impeding our opportunities to solve them.

I like this, has made me start to think honestly.

 

[MrLonely86]

 

[Rohini]

I got 30 seconds in and had to stop it. That was enough to make me want to punch through a wall.
more apropos title: "obnoxious, grating on your nerves and irking your soul problems"

 

[Rohini]

I got 30 seconds in and had to stop it. That was enough to make me want to punch through a wall.
more apropos title: "obnoxious, grating on your nerves and irking your soul problems"

I liked the creative attempt at the mockery of it the first time:

These younger generations lack the humor to even try and pretend that they do not take themselves too seriously.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I'd say it's about 99.9% perfect, but well, that 0.1% is a real *****.

Yo, you ever notice how that 1% is always a real *****? Doesn't seem to matter if it's 0.1% or a full 1%, it's still a *****?

It's like people know it deep down, but it's like what they are really trying to say is either the whole I suffer more piss match or I'd rather be depressed and hot since im depressed anyway, or even that they'd use their looks to evade depression and if the attractive person really wanted to they could find a way, or use someone to not be depressed. I guess the idea is frustrating because life is so much more complex than that, but no one cares because its easier to make someone the enemy.

Most people end up absorbed in group-thinking and in cyclical negativity for the exact same subtle reason: What do you do when you have a problem and need some information? You Google search the problem, right?

Well, the problem with that is:
It is the mechanical nature of a search engine to give you the exact results that you search for.

So if a person searches for why they're jealous, why they're sad, why they're depressed, why they're socially anxious, the results are going to be: Reasons.

Reasons why they're sad, reasons why they're depressed, reasons why they're socially anxious. Rather than solutions.

Now, the search engine isn't alive, it's a robotic type of a thing. So, it's just a very common operator error. Basically, people don't realize that they're using the internet wrong not searching for solutions instead of searching for "why."

Damnest thing is, they want to know "why," because their pain in life from their suffering, makes them ask "why," because it feels both confusing and unfair. But since it's an inanimate machine, it doesn't really pick up on that and so the context gets either distorted or lost entirely.

So if you multiply that by like, 25+ years of internet usage, that's how you get the decline of individual thought and the rise of group thinking. I know it sounds kind of profound at first, but that's honestly basically how that happened. It's easy to mistakenly use the internet wrong like that because it's not really the kind of thing you think about when you're in an irrational state of mind.

Social media greatly compounds this.
The most beautiful woman I know IRL in the local area has low self esteem because she spends her free time plugged into Instagram and comparing herself to Instagram models that live an improbable fantasy life that does not show the reality of that fantasy lifestyle on the surface value of their Instagram profiles or photos and videos. Took me about 2 years to get her to stop doing that honeysuckle and focus on her own life instead and even though she's still noticeably insecure at times, she's a lot more confident and happier than she used to be.

 

[user 139760]

I think passed on by that wretch of a mother of mine.

Prosecution rests, your Honor.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I spat out my drinkkk lol gonnaa make this my national anthem lmaooo this has inspired me to take up a music career, I cant be worse than thissss

I got 30 seconds in and had to stop it. That was enough to make me want to punch through a wall.
more apropos title: "obnoxious, grating on your nerves and irking your soul problems"

Lolz that was a masterpiece Jewels

Yo, you ever notice how that 1% is always a real *****? Doesn't seem to matter if it's 0.1% or a full 1%, it's still a *****?



Most people end up absorbed in group-thinking and in cyclical negativity for the exact same subtle reason: What do you do when you have a problem and need some information? You Google search the problem, right?

Well, the problem with that is:
It is the mechanical nature of a search engine to give you the exact results that you search for.

So if a person searches for why they're jealous, why they're sad, why they're depressed, why they're socially anxious, the results are going to be: Reasons.

Reasons why they're sad, reasons why they're depressed, reasons why they're socially anxious. Rather than solutions.

Now, the search engine isn't alive, it's a robotic type of a thing. So, it's just a very common operator error. Basically, people don't realize that they're using the internet wrong not searching for solutions instead of searching for "why."

Damnest thing is, they want to know "why," because their pain in life from their suffering, makes them ask "why," because it feels both confusing and unfair. But since it's an inanimate machine, it doesn't really pick up on that and so the context gets either distorted or lost entirely.

So if you multiply that by like, 25+ years of internet usage, that's how you get the decline of individual thought and the rise of group thinking. I know it sounds kind of profound at first, but that's honestly basically how that happened. It's easy to mistakenly use the internet wrong like that because it's not really the kind of thing you think about when you're in an irrational state of mind.

Social media greatly compounds this.
The most beautiful woman I know IRL in the local area has low self esteem because she spends her free time plugged into Instagram and comparing herself to Instagram models that live an improbable fantasy life that does not show the reality of that fantasy lifestyle on the surface value of their Instagram profiles or photos and videos. Took me about 2 years to get her to stop doing that honeysuckle and focus on her own life instead and even though she's still noticeably insecure at times, she's a lot more confident and happier than she used to be.

Theres so much around so self esteem ppl dont like to dive into. The group think thing omggg yes I noticed that there is a deffo group think in group therapy…

Prosecution rests, your Honor.

The ugliness not every bad choice i’ve ever made ugh pleaseee let me blame her for thatt she wasnt even there but i’d pay money to make everything her fault . Maybe where im getting confusing is because I separate my urges and my actions, as im not sure I can control my urges but as you said I can control my actions