TryingToStayStrong
New member
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2015
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I’m 38. I’m Mr. Professional. Clean-cut. Always well dressed. I graduated college at age 22 with a long list of accolades. I’ve taken a path of promotions and better jobs to get to a pretty good place in my career. If nothing else, I feel like I always reliably make good decisions. I’m well-liked at work with many pleasant, superficial working relationships both in the office and with clients. I live in a half million dollar home. But I’m desperately, pathetically lonely.
I come from a dysfunctional home. My day bullied and abused my mom and exposed us to things children shouldn’t have to be exposed to. I have one son whom I adore and is the sunshine and pride of my life, and I’m determined not to repeat the same mistakes. I’ve been married in paper for 14 years. But we’ve been emotionally divorced for probably 10.
I stay for my son. I know in my heart it’s best for him. My wife and I have no reliable extended family. If we divorced, things would be bad for all three of us. He needs us both in the home, even if we have no marriage. I can’t imagine living in some crappy apartment and going days at a time without seeing my son. Divorce is no option.
Sure, I often blame my wife for letting our marriage get so bad. But in my moments of greater wisdom, I have to consider that my track record isn’t great. My relationship with all my extended family is coldly pleasant, at best. I have no friends. Yes, I said it. Zero. None. Nada. Sure, I have co-workers I go to lunch with sometimes and talk about football and make stupid jokes and small-talk. But they have no idea who I am.
The only person on earth who I am close to is my 8-year-old son. That is, of course, to the extent you can be close to an 8-year-old. We play video games. We go to waterparks.
I’M STARTING TO BELIEVE THE FOLLOWING WILL BE THE DEFINING CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE…. Because I am beginning to understand and reluctantly admit to myself that I’m incapable of deep relationships with other human beings, I have to start accepting the reality that some day, as my son grows into an adult, he and I will become distant. When that happens, I hope I have the strength to continue to be a supportive father without letting my hurt and loneliness burn out whatever hope I might have for being a constructive part of his life.
I come from a dysfunctional home. My day bullied and abused my mom and exposed us to things children shouldn’t have to be exposed to. I have one son whom I adore and is the sunshine and pride of my life, and I’m determined not to repeat the same mistakes. I’ve been married in paper for 14 years. But we’ve been emotionally divorced for probably 10.
I stay for my son. I know in my heart it’s best for him. My wife and I have no reliable extended family. If we divorced, things would be bad for all three of us. He needs us both in the home, even if we have no marriage. I can’t imagine living in some crappy apartment and going days at a time without seeing my son. Divorce is no option.
Sure, I often blame my wife for letting our marriage get so bad. But in my moments of greater wisdom, I have to consider that my track record isn’t great. My relationship with all my extended family is coldly pleasant, at best. I have no friends. Yes, I said it. Zero. None. Nada. Sure, I have co-workers I go to lunch with sometimes and talk about football and make stupid jokes and small-talk. But they have no idea who I am.
The only person on earth who I am close to is my 8-year-old son. That is, of course, to the extent you can be close to an 8-year-old. We play video games. We go to waterparks.
I’M STARTING TO BELIEVE THE FOLLOWING WILL BE THE DEFINING CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE…. Because I am beginning to understand and reluctantly admit to myself that I’m incapable of deep relationships with other human beings, I have to start accepting the reality that some day, as my son grows into an adult, he and I will become distant. When that happens, I hope I have the strength to continue to be a supportive father without letting my hurt and loneliness burn out whatever hope I might have for being a constructive part of his life.
