My voice seems to be lost in the echo.

[XehanortXIII]

When she left, after admitting she had lied about her feelings and her "love" towards me, the first thing I thought was "well, I guess now I just have to move on".

We had been going on an off for a while now, but we had still been together for over 6 years.

She was the love of my life. And I really thought, after all the suffering and crying I had gone through, I had finally made it. I had finally found the one person with whom I can be... Happy.

I learned so much about myself with her, and she did the same with me. We were so good together. Despite all the issues we went through... But now...

Now, there's only rage. Despair.

She's gone far away, to a place I can't reach. And the more time passes by, the less she cares about me... The more I find out how little meaning I held for her.

And so I wake up each and every day, and look at my reflection. Only a face of disgust and repulsion stares back at me. What did I do?

Was I perfect? Of course not. Nobody is. Nobody will be.

But then, what did I do?

What did the 9 year old me do to deserve listening to his mother saying how much she hates him?

What did the child me do to deserve all that physical, verbal and emotional abuse?

What did the teenage me do, to deserve being rejected and isolated by all the girls around him?

What did adult me do, to deserve being stood up at that altar?

These questions do nothing but echo in the cave-like walls of my mind. My insecurity binds itself to me like the unavoidable, silent water that damps the cave of my mind. Making it slippery to walk on, making every step a possible last step.  There's no answer.

Why am I ugly? What's so wrong with my face? Why can't I get to talk to a girl even if I'm not trying to date her?

There's no answer.

Why is my family like this? Why do they gaslight me? Why can't they believe what I say?

There's no answer.

There's only echoes of my voice, bouncing around this cave of my mind and dying before the light even reaches them.

Why is Tinder so unfair? Why does Bumble never work? Why does this current world accept "ghosting" someone so easily?

There's no answer. The echoes just bounce even harder.

Every day is like this. The hope of finding someone grows weaker, but the need gets stronger.

"You're not supposed to look for it" people say to me. But how else am I going to find it? How else can I convince myself that it exists? How else do you answer a question, besides answering it?

Why would they say that as if it made sense? They're the same people who say "depression doesn't exist".

Was it being a man? Was that my sin, being born a man in a generation where men don't matter?

Is it because I'm an Incel? Am I? What even constitutes being one?

Why does being one seem like it's the same as being the scum of the earth? What is going on?

Why did I have to be born... If the meaning to my birth was to crave for the love I never got, in a world where nobody wants to give it or receive it?

Why didn't I get to choose?



There's no answer. There's just an echo. 


And the cave just becomes darker...

 

[lookatbrightside]

 

[Yeti1980]

Xehanort,

First of all, it's very tough when love goes wrong like that, you have my sympathy. I speak from experience. It can seem like she is the only love you'll ever have, that she never loved you, that you're not good enough, etc. Romantic love is such an odd thing, when it's on it's on and when it's off it's off. I was with my ex almost ten years and she walked away as though ending a relationship of that depth was just normal. Break-ups can feel very chaotic and one sided. Bottom line in all of this is that it doesn't change who you are or how you should value yourself, being eaten up by what happened and how you're feeling does more harm in the long run than the actual break up.

Here I am a few years on and I've completely jumped ship into a new relationship, a marriage etc. It's all calmed down and panned out, and frankly when I look back I can see where the cracks were in the previous relationship. It takes time to get perspective on this stuff and achieve new things, it's not the end of the world even though it feels like it. Don't condemn yourself and try not to be angry, anger only ends up being harmful. Remember, you have control. It doesn't feel like you have control, but you do. If you feel angry, take a deep breath and think of something else, concentrate on you and get on with things. It's harder to do than to write, but I insist it's true.

Regards things with your family, I'm sorry about them too but the above still applies. Concentrate on yourself, give kindness and love in the ways that you would like to receive it. If people reject it, play games etc etc, that's their loss. You're the good person doing good things and don't let anyone dent that. Feeling rejected at home is one of the biggest causes of stress and anxiety, and it's often the first step onto later behaviour problems or mental health issues.

As for your self esteem and supposed ugliness etc, pretty much everyone thinks that kind of stuff. Just be yourself and don't worry about it, self examination is pretty much 100% inaccurate.

As for tinder etc, less said the better!! Online dating is a real minefield and it can leave you feeling empty and rejected when you're not getting dates every five minutes, like everything else it takes time and it can be a real waiting game. When you go fishing you have to sit on the bank for hours before you catch a good one.

All the best my friend, these things feel awful but don't overthink them and just remember to love yourself and move forward. There are decent and loving people out there in society, I promise.

 

[XehanortXIII]

Xehanort,

First of all, it's very tough when love goes wrong like that, you have my sympathy. I speak from experience. It can seem like she is the only love you'll ever have, that she never loved you, that you're not good enough, etc. Romantic love is such an odd thing, when it's on it's on and when it's off it's off. I was with my ex almost ten years and she walked away as though ending a relationship of that depth was just normal. Break-ups can feel very chaotic and one sided. Bottom line in all of this is that it doesn't change who you are or how you should value yourself, being eaten up by what happened and how you're feeling does more harm in the long run than the actual break up.

Here I am a few years on and I've completely jumped ship into a new relationship, a marriage etc. It's all calmed down and panned out, and frankly when I look back I can see where the cracks were in the previous relationship. It takes time to get perspective on this stuff and achieve new things, it's not the end of the world even though it feels like it. Don't condemn yourself and try not to be angry, anger only ends up being harmful. Remember, you have control. It doesn't feel like you have control, but you do. If you feel angry, take a deep breath and think of something else, concentrate on you and get on with things. It's harder to do than to write, but I insist it's true.

Regards things with your family, I'm sorry about them too but the above still applies. Concentrate on yourself, give kindness and love in the ways that you would like to receive it. If people reject it, play games etc etc, that's their loss. You're the good person doing good things and don't let anyone dent that. Feeling rejected at home is one of the biggest causes of stress and anxiety, and it's often the first step onto later behaviour problems or mental health issues.

As for your self esteem and supposed ugliness etc, pretty much everyone thinks that kind of stuff. Just be yourself and don't worry about it, self examination is pretty much 100% inaccurate.

As for tinder etc, less said the better!! Online dating is a real minefield and it can leave you feeling empty and rejected when you're not getting dates every five minutes, like everything else it takes time and it can be a real waiting game. When you go fishing you have to sit on the bank for hours before you catch a good one.

All the best my friend, these things feel awful but don't overthink them and just remember to love yourself and move forward. There are decent and loving people out there in society, I promise.

Thanks man. Please show my reply to your wife and use it as reminder to her that she hasn’t an excellent husband, she made the right choice, your kids will Ben beautiful and adorable if you decide to have them, and if not, tell her I’d like you to be rewarded with the having a baby drill three times a day . Lol jk

Much love