NEED ADVICE! SOMEONE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME AND I DON'T FEEL THE SAME!

[WishingWell]

Last night I was talking to a man on the phone that has been a friend of mine for about 6 months now. I met him at my Social Group. Once before he told me he had feelings for me that were more than just a friend. I told him I didn't feel the same way and never will, and didn't even feel that I wanted to get involved with someone right now.

Last night, he called, and he told me he loves me. It was in the middle of our "Talk to you soon's" and "Have a good week's" to end our conversation. He just blurted "I LOVE YOU" out in the middle. I didn't get a chance to say anything, because he then hung up.

I am quite upset about this! I don't know what to do. I told him already that I didn't have feelings for him that way and never will.

WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? HELP!!!

 

[SophiaGrace]

end contact.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Ouch, that's awkward :\

I wouldn't go out of your way to contact him, I expect he'll probably contact you to apologise once he realises he's been foolish.

But yeah, definitely reiterate to him that you don't find him romantically attractive. I wouldn't say sever contact (that's like just sticking a dagger in the guy's rather deluded heart!), especially because doing so suddenly might make him go sort of stalkerish or something.

So wait it out, and tell him again that you're not interested. If he does anything like this after that, don't talk to him again.

 

[paulo]

cant blame the guy for trying

just ignore it, you told him how you feel, he knows.
if it bothers you tell him not to do that again.

hes just letting you know hes still interested, hoping you chanched your mind, giving it another try.
if he was really serious about it he wouldnt be sneaking it in at the end of the conversation.

no big deal, no need for you to do anything.
if he keeps doing it and you dont want him to, just say something about it.

 

[WishingWell]

SophiaGrace,

I can't END CONTACT. He is in my Social Group, and likely to be on my team when we have game night--we don't get to choose. Also, when we go on trips, we go in vehicles that only 5 people and the driver can fit, and we are told where to sit. If this sounds strange, I am not embarrassed to say that the Social Group is for Mentally Ill Persons. He, like I am, is stablized on medication for anxiety and depression right now, but others need a lot of guidance.

Solitary Man,

I never call him. He calls me. I guess I will wait until he phones me again, and I will tell him that I already explained that I am not interested in him. That would be the best thing to do. Then if he brings it up again, I will tell him that we can be friends at the Group, but I believe it is best that we don't talk on the phone or email each other anymore.

Luckily, neither of us drive and there is no transportation he can take to get to where I live since I am in a remote area of the suburbs.

Thanks to both of you for your advice!

---

cant blame the guy for trying

just ignore it, you told him how you feel, he knows.
if it bothers you tell him not to do that again.

hes just letting you know hes still interested, hoping you chanched your mind, giving it another try.
if he was really serious about it he wouldnt be sneaking it in at the end of the conversation.

no big deal, no need for you to do anything.
if he keeps doing it and you dont want him to, just say something about it.

Thanks Paulo--Good idea to just ignore it--if and when it happens again!

 

[Sterling]

Sometimes people say that as accident. I know I've done it to people before. He might have gotten embarrassed and hung up.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Clean out his fucken bank account....

 

[Sci-Fi]

Seeing as he hung up sounds like he realized what he had done. I agree with TSM and Paulo, just wait and see what happens next time he calls. He knows how you feel so he'll either have to just accept it or move on.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

see....here's proof.

when a woman isnt sexually attracted to you...there's not a damn
thing a guy can say or do to change that....

But hell no..some dudes are gonna try to win her over and get all retarded.
It'll freak her out even more or is anoying as **** to her.

Some women will just clean dudes out like that...cuase it's fucken
anoying. Some women will Lead them on or whatever. Becuase he dosnt comprehend "no"
or understand...certain women arnt gonna **** him no matter how much he likes her.
Mr. voulunteering to be a victim.
Oh fucken will...he'll think she's a gold diggin bitch or whatever in his crazy head...
but he'll stop calling her.lol

 

[WishingWell]

see....here's proof.

when a woman isnt sexually attracted to you...there's not a damn
thing a guy can say or do to change that....

But hell no..some dudes are gonna try to win her over and get all retarded.
It'll freak her out even more or is anoying as **** to her.

Some women will just clean dudes out like that...cuase it's fucken
anoying. Some women will Lead them on or whatever. Becuase he dosnt comprehend "no"
or understand...certain women arnt gonna **** him no matter how much he likes her.
Mr. voulunteering to be a victim.
Oh fucken will...he'll think she's a gold diggin bitch or whatever in his crazy head...
but he'll stop calling her.lol

Lonesome Crow,

In no way did I lead him on--I told him the first time I wasn't interested.

I am no gold digger. He knows that when I go out with female AND MALE FRIENDS, I split the bill or even treat them.

Also, forget about the sexual attraction thing--even though I'm not sexually attracted to him, I am looking deeper into it than that. There are things like his constant involvement in the Church and his zest for reading constantly, and other things we don't have in common that wouldn't work in a relationship.

Thanks for writing.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im not saying you have been....
Im saying you might consider cleaning out his checking account. It's optional.lol


You dont have to explain yourself why you dont wanna have sex or an intimate
relationship certain men.

I know people personally that hit on women and the woman have/had already made
it clear they dont wanna have intimate realtionship with them. But the men dont listen or get it.
So those chicks had to burn a couple of holes a in his wallect so that he'll grasp it or stop calling her.
And they also go the next woman....never grasping it or learning the lessons.

I dont hit up on chick that dosnt want to have an intimate relationship with me. It's a waste of my time and energy.
I can have social enteractions with them...but I'll simply wont hit on them.
I know some women arnt going to find me sexually attractive...and some women will simply dont want anything
to do with me...I dont take it personally or take it as some sort of rejections.
Those women owes me nothing.

I also know certain women are going to be sexaully attracted to me. I'll invest my time and enegery in that instead.
Lucky me...hot chicks wanna have sex with me

 

[WishingWell]

Im not saying you have been....
Im saying you might consider cleaning out his checking account.


You dont have to explain yourself why you dont wanna have sex or an intimate
relationship certain men.

I am NOT that type of woman. I don't ever take advantage of men. Someone else said something similar to that in a post in reply to my thread. Why do men assume that women should always get everything paid for from men? We are not ALL Gold Diggers! When I date someone, I am very fair. I treat every once in a while, and I almost always pay for half the date.

 

[Gutted]

Oh no! I didn't know that you were a Girl x] Sorry!

These things are always to tough to figure out. You have to tread very carefully if you care for your friend. Honesty is good but can be brutal. You know your friend better then we do. Try and do what comes natural to you. Weather that means being straight with him, letting him down gently, or even closing the book alltogether. Whichever you chose, may the force be with you.

 

[The Good Citizen]

I think a 'final warning' is best. You sound as if you don't want to just be cold about it but be careful of getting into a loop of promises to remain friends and every few months getting asked again. You've told him twice so he should be clear now how you feel.

When you tell him I would ask him what he thinks too, if you say "I just want to be friends" he will say "ok" but instead hold him to it, say "I see you as a friend but if you can't accept thats as far as my feelings go then a friendship wont be possible. How do you feel, do you think you can honour that or do you think this will always be an issue?". Make him contribute to the agreement and actually say it, it will hold more value then I think. Otherwise you will get asked again with the addage "I'm sorry I can't help how I feel" so he needs to be asked if he can deal with it so that its not an excuse further down the line.

Regardless, I would then start to try to take slow steps back from the friendship to a level where its more an acquaintance, I think too much has already been said but this should at least give you an exit strategy!

Oh and none of this is your fault at all by the sounds of it and you're just looking for a compassionate way out of a sticky situation!

 

[Romantic_Flower]

You feel nothing for him, it's not your fault. You can choose who you will feel attracted to. He has to understand that.

 

[Tiina63]

I think that it's hard to give general advice because what might work in one case might not in another. Do you think he will come to accept a good friendship with you or will he always be wanting more?
This same thing happened to me. A man in a support group I to go to fell for me but I didn't feel the same way. We are now good friends only. It sad, really, as I am so lonely, but I wouldn't get together with someone I don't love as it would be just as lonely.
If He hadn't accepted it, I would have left the group and looked for another support group, as it owuld have been too difficult to keep on going there.

 

[WishingWell]

I think that it's hard to give general advice because what might work in one case might not in another. Do you think he will come to accept a good friendship with you or will he always be wanting more?
This same thing happened to me. A man in a support group I to go to fell for me but I didn't feel the same way. We are now good friends only. It sad, really, as I am so lonely, but I wouldn't get together with someone I don't love as it would be just as lonely.
If He hadn't accepted it, I would have left the group and looked for another support group, as it owuld have been too difficult to keep on going there.

Tiina63,

I am sorry you had a similar experience.



TO EVERYONE!

Since I made the Thread and read a lot of advice, I talked to this man twice.

The first time, he brought up what he said, and he told me he realizes that you can't make someone love you. He told me he would like to remain friends with me. I asked him if he can handle it, and he told me yes.

I told him if that changes, I will have to stop emailing and talking with him on the phone. I again reinforced that I will never change my mind about the way I am not interested in him except as a friend.

I will NEVER stop going to my Social Group though. It is really the only thing I do with other people, and I am not going to stop going for any reason. I am the type of person that doesn't care if someone talks behind my back or would be bothered by the situation if we can only interact with him at the Group. If he stops talking to me completely, what is, IS. I can deal with that easily too. I don't believe I am wrong by anything I have done or said.

The second phone call, we talked about general things, and got alone fine. I hope it stays that way.

Thanks to all of you for your help!

 

[MadMonkè]

I say give him a chance!

If you are not already seeing someone, is there anything wrong in doing so?

I am a person that cannot be myself unless I can just be on the same page with someone. Worst part of it all is... I will never be able to communicate such a delicate subject easily.... well not right now... it is a pretty delicate subject... you dont just say that to anyone...

anyway... there could be more than meets the eye... and if he dont like the way he treats you, then at least you gave him a chance...

 

[WishingWell]

I say give him a chance!

If you are not already seeing someone, is there anything wrong in doing so?

I am a person that cannot be myself unless I can just be on the same page with someone. Worst part of it all is... I will never be able to communicate such a delicate subject easily.... well not right now... it is a pretty delicate subject... you dont just say that to anyone...

anyway... there could be more than meets the eye... and if he dont like the way he treats you, then at least you gave him a chance...

There is no way I can "give him a chance." We don't have enough things in common. Besides, I could not go to Church as much as he does and be involved in all the Church events he is in. I am a Christian too, but he is Religious, which I consider as practicing his Christianity in a Church as he does. It would be like changing my way of life, and I am not doing that for anyone. I would rather be happy and alone, than with someone and unhappy. Also, I thought about the physical attraction and it just isn't there.