need to rant

[painter's radio]

I have many thoughts and they all rise up like water in a blocked hose, causing chaos and unable to release. As soon as I start the thread I forget everything I was going to say.

I need people. I am needy. I want to be loved and appreciated. I am loved and appreciated, but I need new friends. I need to be close with people, have meaningful relationships, people to have fun with, people to share with, people to support. I need it so badly yet I can't do it. I can't do it in real life, anyway. I feel I have nothing to offer besides dedicated love and honesty, which is a good start but I can't shake the feeling. I wont shake it. I would even go as far as to say I refuse to. I'm not ready for it in real life. It's not me and I can't do it.

I used to self harm a lot. Haven't done it for a while now but am so ******* close.

Sorry to be intense.

Can anyone help, in any way at all...

 

[ucxb]

You have a level of self-awareness that is commendable and talking about your feelings is too. Emotional health checks are important and I have come to realize in the past year that sharing helps. I also have quite a few things I do to distract myself from thinking about what I am missing. It is easy for me to get lost in my mind, over think, obsess, etc. Distracting doesn't change who I am or how I feel it just helps me relax about what I miss since I as well am not ready to seek it.

 

[dah]

What do you think would help?

 

[painter's radio]

Honestly I have tried a lot of things to deal with my issues like different types of therapy, meditation, breathing techniques, exercise, playing games, trying to do something productive etc. Nothing works, besides abusing my medication and trying to get to a different world or be anything but me. There is nothing realistic that can help, only fantasy.

 

[dah]

In your original post, it feels as though a push to meet some new people would sort you out. Is that so?

Also, please don't mind if I ask, as I have no experience with that, do you plan to have another go at therapy?

 

[painter's radio]

I am currently waiting for them to get back to me so I can start again but they're taking forever and I'm not doing so well in the meantime. I would love to meet new people but I am so bad at it unless I'm drunk to get rid of my inhibitions and shyness, and even then it's very difficult. It's so stupid, people say how easy I am to talk to and I understand how conversations work, and how they progress, but I am not good at it in real life, always have been better online where I can actually think about what I'm saying without the pressures of being looked at and making the vocal equivalent of typo's by messing up my words. Even when I had loads of friends I would still secretly hurt myself. I don't have much faith in therapy tbh but I need to try again...

 

[bulmabriefs144]

Honestly I have tried a lot of things to deal with my issues like different types of therapy, meditation, breathing techniques, exercise, playing games, trying to do something productive etc. Nothing works, besides abusing my medication and trying to get to a different world or be anything but me. There is nothing realistic that can help, only fantasy.

Drugs don't help. Take it from someone who was poked and prodded due to ADD, then again due to seizures. It turned out the kind of seizure I had could be outgrown (Rolandic or sleep seizures), and the medicine was completely unnecessary. And it turned out when I chucked the ADD "medicine" down the drain, it took all of two months to figure out how to concentrate without it (and I was a zombie with it). Not to mention side-effects of medicine are terrible. The real problem of ADD was its aftereffects, years of feeling like a freak, the inability to catch nonverbal cues (and wrong assumptions as a result).

People help. The issue being, when you can get them. Having someone to talk to (I mean really talk to, not just "hi, I'm fine" sort of stuff) is treated like a common good, but for people here, it's rarer than diamonds since we have social problems that prevent this.

 

[ladyforsaken]

:\ wish I could help you painter's radio but I'm not sure if anything I say could make you feel better. *hugs*

Just don't give up, okay?

 

[Gondwanaland]

I have many thoughts and they all rise up like water in a blocked hose, causing chaos and unable to release. As soon as I start the thread I forget everything I was going to say.

Ah, I know how it feels. It's horrible! There are plenty of thoughts flooding your mind, but you can't even express them. That happens to me a lot.

Listen, I'm not very good giving advice. I might not have the moral authority to do so, since I have NO social skills whatsoever, but listen: just be yourself. Don't try to change who you are on the inside, because that's just not gonna work (this is actually what most people do: they lose their own identity in order to be accepted).

If people can't see how wonderful you are, they're worthless. You seem to have a lot to offer.

Hey, why don't you try yoga??? it's gonna help you a lot and you'll be in a good shape. Also, you should start a workout routine. It has helped me a lot.

I hope this was helpful. I know I'm not very good giving advice, but it's the best I could think of.

 

[painter's radio]

Thank you for your reply. My social skills aren't too hot either, which is why I'm in fact more likely to take your advice than someone else's - I find people with these problems are always great at giving advice, even if they don't follow it themselves... I do exactly the same.