Needing some advice

[SpectroWatcher]

Hello,I've come here to seek some advice on how I could overcome this fear of socializing I've had for the last couple of years.
I'm still at a pretty young teen age but due to things like the death of my dad many years ago,I've had to mature earlier and due to that I've developed constant paranoia and fear of taking risks when it comes to my social life.I think a lot about what people think or say about me,even if they haven't said anything.
Something that has been messing with me is that i always plan things a little TOO ahead of time and things never go as I planned,be it due to my lack of doing something or bad timing and etc.
I remember being much more carefree and not hiding what i thought when i was younger,but after my father's passing I've felt much more lost and introverted as the years went on until where i am now.I feel like he was the only person that i could relate to and share my emotions with without worrying about being ignored or yelled at,even if he constantly had anger issues due to his illnesses and as much as I try to deny it,I haven't gotten over it.
In the past I did actively talk to classmates and other people without fear but,the more i was ignored or treated rudely,the more i started to give up and I've gotten to where I am now.I can't speak to people because I fear it'll happen again and i'll be back at where I was anyway.People seem to care about me when i'm crying or in a bad mood but every other time it feels as if they didn't even see me,even the ones who've come up to talk to me do that and I can't blame them,they have their lives to live and their own friends to care about.That's one of my dilemmas,everyone seems to already have their own set of friends they feel good with and i feel like i could never fit in one way or another.
I did start this year confident that i was gonna change,but then i made a friend and that's when things started going wrong again.We met when she was sketching and i complimented her drawing,and after that we started talking and spent a week or two hanging out during recess and etc.One day she asked if she could hang out with some other friends she made,and of course I let her.After that we stopped talking frequently and i went back to being alone and depressed like before.I did try to talk to her again every now and then but at that point it was too late and i gave up entirely.
My biggest issue is that I overthink everything and end up doing nothing in fear I'd come out as rude even for thing other people wouldn't consider bad,such as asking for help or things.In fact,i've been meaning to post this here for months but I hesitated too much like always.I literally cannot make any risks even if it isn't even a risk at all,as much as I want to.I've wanted to go to a therapist to sort this out for a long time but my mom is very likely to shake it off like she always does,and instead tell me to "talk to god".
Another thing that puts me down is the inferiority complex I think I might have.Things like being replaced on the smallest things make me very anxious and depressed and I start to think I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.Something that doesn't help is that I've always been the odd one out,as much as it sounds cliché,be it in the things I like or in how I am in general.In the past five years,me and my family have lived on poverty and on the constant need of help from people like my grandmother (to the point where we literally lived on a relative's house, on an abandoned part with only one room and a medium living room) and it messes with how I see myself.
Hope to not be bothering,but i needed somewhere where i could find advice because i can't find it in real life.Thanks in advance.
PS:Feel free to ask if anything doesn't make sense on my post,I'm not very good at describing stuff without either missing details or something else.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Hi, what a poignant introduction post. You're not bothering anyone, so don't think that. Not at all.

Well, you are correct in saying you're problem is over-preparing and then things never go to plan. You can never accurately predict someone else, even if you are skilled and adept at socialization. You shouldn't even try, let alone bank every single hope on things going as predicted.
Add on top of that the desperation and inexperience you have, and yeah, I have no doubts why you feel the way you do.

Most people will only try to offer you sympathy if you seem down, but little else; you've got to connect with someone on more than that.


I'm curious that you stated you think you cannot take any risks, and even gauged posting here as such and procrastinated with it.... yet you still wound up doing it. So, I guess you DID take a risk. Can you perhaps analyze why that was?
And, my mindset would ask, if you bit the bullet for this risk and nothing happened, why not try more?


When did your father die, by chance? It sounds like it was recent, and yikes, the god-fearing mother. You need real professional help, not more church-counseling. Whether it does any good or not (I lean more towards the latter), it's still not what you need right now.
How old are you? Are you an adult or at least over 18 so you could maybe get the help you needed on your own instead?
I'd like to say just talk to her, but I've seen too many like her and know they are beyond logical reason.

 

[dwane]

Nice reply Enpatsu No Shakugan

 

[SpectroWatcher]

Hi, what a poignant introduction post. You're not bothering anyone, so don't think that. Not at all.

Well, you are correct in saying you're problem is over-preparing and then things never go to plan. You can never accurately predict someone else, even if you are skilled and adept at socialization. You shouldn't even try, let alone bank every single hope on things going as predicted.
Add on top of that the desperation and inexperience you have, and yeah, I have no doubts why you feel the way you do.

Most people will only try to offer you sympathy if you seem down, but little else; you've got to connect with someone on more than that.


I'm curious that you stated you think you cannot take any risks, and even gauged posting here as such and procrastinated with it.... yet you still wound up doing it. So, I guess you DID take a risk. Can you perhaps analyze why that was?
And, my mindset would ask, if you bit the bullet for this risk and nothing happened, why not try more?


When did your father die, by chance? It sounds like it was recent, and yikes, the god-fearing mother. You need real professional help, not more church-counseling. Whether it does any good or not (I lean more towards the latter), it's still not what you need right now.
How old are you? Are you an adult or at least over 18 so you could maybe get the help you needed on your own instead?
I'd like to say just talk to her, but I've seen too many like her and know they are beyond logical reason.

Hello there,wasn't expecting a reply so quickly lol
I'm usually not too keen to risks if they're online,but it feels like a weird barrier in real life and I keep on going with the anxiety of being ignored or etc like always.
My father died in the beginning 2013,so yeah it's been a little recent.
I'm younger than 18 which means i'm pretty stuck here and I gotta rely on my mom for such things.I've tried to talk to her about my feelings but she always throws the same speech on how I haven't been religious enough and that I've been feeling this way because I don't have god.I do have a stepfather but he isn't of much help either because he just goes along with what my mom thinks.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Damn, I was afraid of that.

Do you have any other adults in your life you can turn to? To be honest, why not try a school councilor? Do you have access to someone like that?

Tell her the same thing you told us, that your mother forbids you from any non-religious help and the like. That alone might spur someone else into actually trying to help you.

 

[SpectroWatcher]

Damn, I was afraid of that.

Do you have any other adults in your life you can turn to? To be honest, why not try a school councilor? Do you have access to someone like that?

Tell her the same thing you told us, that your mother forbids you from any non-religious help and the like. That alone might spur someone else into actually trying to help you.

Only people I think I could ask for help is either a few teachers I know or etc.
I had a huge meltdown just a few hours ago and my mom seemed to be worried,her advice today might've made me consider telling her everything I've been feeling had she not,once again,brought religion into the topic.She does seem to want me to be more social but sometimes her advice is conflicting,as she puts everyone else that isn't from our religion into a lower "category" but apparently still wants me to socialize.
A thing that lead into the meltdown is that she asked me to send a message to the husband of one of my sisters,a sort of threat against that sister.The thing is,my father's ex-wife falsified his signature many years ago so she could sell the house he had and keep all the money.My mom recently found out she and my other two sisters finally acquired it after pretending to be him,even after they literally came to his funeral.One of those sisters recently came to visit us after three years of silence,and she didn't tell us anything and pretended she had no money when she had lots of it with her,making us have to buy food and etc for her and her children with our last few dimes.My mom's tried to convince them to give the money back without having to send them to jail but they've just ignored it all and now my mom wanted me to convince the husband I mentioned and that lead me into a huge dilemma,they DID steal thousands from us when we were here struggling with trying to find jobs and etc,but I felt like i'd be putting this guy into the situation who didn't seem to know anything about this.Then my mom and stepfather started pressuring me and I started to freak out,and yet again religion was involved to make things worse.
Yet again,i'm confused as to how I should act and trying hard not to think of the future consequences this might bring.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Yeah, but even if you tell her, you know what her go-to response is going to be. And that hasn't been helping, and I don't think she'll see that and put 2 and 2 together.

One other thing I forgot to ask is, given how your mother is, what kind of school are you at? Is it a religious school or a public one? If it's the former, it's just going to be more of the same, unfortunately. You need outside help, so a public one would be preferable.


That story sounds complicated, but I guess is what is most confusing is.... you have a stepfather and mother, and you're under 18.... so why they hell are they putting all this on YOU to solve their problems?
What kind of adults are they? No one your age should have to go through this, especially one going through everything at the same time you are.

 

[SpectroWatcher]

I've been studying at a public school so thankfully I only have to deal with all the religious stuff at home.
I guess they think they'll convince them better if I send the message but honestly it feels like a whole lot of pressure to me,and I don't have a clue as to why they'd rely on me now if they've practically gone through most of the process by now.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

I've been studying at a public school so thankfully I only have to deal with all the religious stuff at home.
I guess they think they'll convince them better if I send the message but honestly it feels like a whole lot of pressure to me,and I don't have a clue as to why they'd rely on me now if they've practically gone through most of the process by now.

That is so ridiculous and cowardly of them. It sounds like passing the blame to me.


Anyway, I'm relieved to hear that about your school. I urge you to seek out a councilor or something else like that over there and explain all this that you have here to them.
I have a feeling almost any school will react to it. You need help from someone in your area with some authority.

 

[SpectroWatcher]

I'll try to see if I can convince my mom to seek for a therapist,but if that doesn't work I'll probably do what you said.
Thanks.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

It sounds like you've tried that option already. I would not put much stake into it.

You're going to have to be upfront with her and tell her that her behavior, both external with these goings-on and the religion-geared focus are really bothering you. And if she still just goes to that same tired old idea, then it's time to try something new. She's not going to help.

Can you really gear up to drop all that and be concise so she'll hopefully understand?

 

[SpectroWatcher]

It sounds like you've tried that option already. I would not put much stake into it.

You're going to have to be upfront with her and tell her that her behavior, both external with these goings-on and the religion-geared focus are really bothering you. And if she still just goes to that same tired old idea, then it's time to try something new. She's not going to help.

Can you really gear up to drop all that and be concise so she'll hopefully understand?

I've been avoiding doing it because I'm not sure what it'd lead to regarding our relationship,as it's been pretty odd ever since my dad passed away.Sometimes she's cool and etc and doesn't mind but other times she's a little too obsessed with her religion.I fear we'd never see each other the same if I told her about how I just don't want to be religious and that she acts bad with others and me because of it,she seems to have big expectations on me and my younger sibling regarding this whole topic.The worst part is,I've wanted to get into the religion for a long time but her acting has made me discouraged to join in.I remember being much more fond of it when I was younger but that love faded after I didn't have my dad any more.Most of the people I've met on my religious experiences,like going on temples and etc,aren't as passive-aggressive as my mom and if I recall correctly,I don't remember my dad ever forcing me to do anything religious if I didn't feel like it.The thing that made me avoid it was how much of a forced task my parents made it seem like,constantly telling me to "chant the mantras" or other things every single day on a constant routine.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Well, I hope the relationship you two have as mother and son can circumvent the religious disagreements. If you can't have that, then the problems between you go a lot deeper, to be honest.

So, when you talk to her, mention everything here to her as well, and see if she can understand. It's going to be intense and hard, but it sounds like it's something that needs to be done.

I wish you all the best of luck and keep me updated.

 

[SpectroWatcher]

Thanks again,I'll make sure to update on what happens after it.

 

[SpectroWatcher]

Update coming up.
So I wasn't able to find the courage to confront my mom but she seems to have calmed down after she noticed I wasn't too well.
I also spoke to quite a few school authorities after people saw I needed help and my situation has been getting better so far.People have really been making sure to talk to me usually when they can and doing a lot of nice stuff and that's certainly helped me get over the constant fear of what could happen and as the days go by,I'm starting to stop thinking of the full future and just letting things happen naturally.
So far I've been feeling better and I haven't spent as much time on my own as before.