new here

[user 191117]

Hi y'all. I'm sorry this is going to be a long post but i really need to get this all off my chest. I'm 27 years old and I have no friends or social life. I moved to a town where I don't know anyone 9 months ago for a new job, and I haven't met anyone or even really tried to meet anyone since. All I do is go to work, go to the gym a few times a week, sometimes go on hikes by myself, and the rest of the time I just stay in my room. I've never been in a relationship, had sex, or even been kissed. A few years ago I accepted that I'm a lesbian (which I kinda always knew but denied for a very long time) but I'm so ashamed of every aspect of myself that I'm too afraid to try to seek out other gay people and I haven't explored that part of my life at all. I just really hate myself and I find everything I do or say to be so unbearably embarrassing and humiliating that I struggle to do anything at all. I've been lonely my entire life (complicated and strained family dynamics, bullied for my entire childhood and adolescence, etc etc) and I always hoped I would grow out of it some day, that one day I would become a real person.
Instead I'm worse then I've ever been. Even when I try to reconnect with people I considered friends in the past, I feel like a pathetic cringing dog begging for any scrap of attention. I live like a caged zoo animal; I pace around my room at night because I KNOW the life I want is out there but I can't break through the bars of my own isolation. And when I do go outside and try to interact with the world, it's like a wall of glass separates me from real life. Like I'm a ghost that can be seen but not touched. I think I'm missing some fundamental part that humans have that allows them to interact with each other; it feels like in every social interaction I have, we're all actors on a stage and everyone knows their lines except me. So I stay in my room and try to ignore the black hole of self hatred that's hollowing out my insides. I feel so disconnected from real life that I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Even typing this all out, I'm struggling to articulate how dark and desolate and hopeless it all feels.
I want to get better, and I've been in therapy for a few months but it hasn't helped yet. I just want to go home, but I don't really have a home anymore.
Anyways, I'm not sure any of that made sense, but thank you to anyone who's read this far.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Hello @the_goldfinch. You articulate quite well, and it seems you also have a pretty keen sense of self-awareness.

It sounds like you are able to take care of yourself, at the least. In my estimation, that's a very good place to make a start; not everyone is in such a place. I don't say this to make you feel bad; just as a gentle reminder: that's good.

In my experience, for what it's worth: don't try to force things.

If we break it down psychologically, we can make a guess at some sort of self-protection habit that has become quite entrenched. The human need is for connection and genuine felt experience, yet, it's the genuine pains of the past that have taught us, that genuine interaction is a threatening and harmful experience to be avoided. So, perhaps that's where the glass wall comes from.

These things, however, take time; and, I'd venture a personal guess that, there isn't one specific answer that suits everyone and every circumstance.

So, that's why I say: don't force it. These things come in their own way, in their own time. It's good news and it's bad news. The bad news is, that wall is there, the isolation is there. The good news is: you don't need or have to, 'try,' because friendship, connection, and genuine felt experience, has it's own way: it's already done for you.

I'm sure you understand that I do not mean: don't do anything at all.
One could look into getting a pet.
One could look into volunteering or apply themselves to a worthy cause.
One could get a plant (something that needs care, and will be it's own reward when it's well taken care of).

There are parks to go to, perhaps. All that sort of thing.

But, don't try to force: 'the genuine feelings.' That part has to come in it's own time. That's the plant: that will grow on it's own time, when the conditions are right (water, nutrients, sunlight).

So maybe it's not a glass wall. Maybe it's ice, and will melt. Maybe it's a window, and we can learn to open it from time to time, and let some fresh air in. Maybe it's a door...

In the meantime, habit, routine, and ritual, can be helpful, during extended periods of acute difficulty.
Ritual: can remind us of what matters, and where we'd like to be: what the goal/ideal/value is, etc..
Routine: can help us maintain what we do have control over (you exercise for example, that's good!)
Habit: can help ground us, again, in what we do have control over (good habits, hopefully, heh )
(afterthought: perhaps relaxation/recreation is an important point to stress as well, especially in Westernized societies. Some of us, often come at relaxation/recreation as if it's a, 'job to be done.' We're so hard wired into being human-doings, rather than just, 'being.' Anyway, getting side-tracked..)

And new habits take time to get going: at least a couple of weeks to a month. So, don't try to do everything all at once.

That's about the best I can figure. Perhaps you will learn more and discover far more than I could possibly imagine or contribute to. But that's the best I can figure: don't force it. Let it come in it's own time. Keep your 'eye on the prize,' and work around and with it: don't try to force it, or get hung up on it.

Welcome, and good luck.

 

[okidoke]

TS said it well. All I can add is that you could try online groups to connect with others of your ilk. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Minus]

I don't have anything to add but welcome to the forums.

 

[WanderingInTheWoods]

Hi y'all. I'm sorry this is going to be a long post but i really need to get this all off my chest. I'm 27 years old and I have no friends or social life. I moved to a town where I don't know anyone 9 months ago for a new job, and I haven't met anyone or even really tried to meet anyone since. All I do is go to work, go to the gym a few times a week, sometimes go on hikes by myself, and the rest of the time I just stay in my room. I've never been in a relationship, had sex, or even been kissed. A few years ago I accepted that I'm a lesbian (which I kinda always knew but denied for a very long time) but I'm so ashamed of every aspect of myself that I'm too afraid to try to seek out other gay people and I haven't explored that part of my life at all. I just really hate myself and I find everything I do or say to be so unbearably embarrassing and humiliating that I struggle to do anything at all. I've been lonely my entire life (complicated and strained family dynamics, bullied for my entire childhood and adolescence, etc etc) and I always hoped I would grow out of it some day, that one day I would become a real person.
Instead I'm worse then I've ever been. Even when I try to reconnect with people I considered friends in the past, I feel like a pathetic cringing dog begging for any scrap of attention. I live like a caged zoo animal; I pace around my room at night because I KNOW the life I want is out there but I can't break through the bars of my own isolation. And when I do go outside and try to interact with the world, it's like a wall of glass separates me from real life. Like I'm a ghost that can be seen but not touched. I think I'm missing some fundamental part that humans have that allows them to interact with each other; it feels like in every social interaction I have, we're all actors on a stage and everyone knows their lines except me. So I stay in my room and try to ignore the black hole of self hatred that's hollowing out my insides. I feel so disconnected from real life that I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Even typing this all out, I'm struggling to articulate how dark and desolate and hopeless it all feels.
I want to get better, and I've been in therapy for a few months but it hasn't helped yet. I just want to go home, but I don't really have a home anymore.
Anyways, I'm not sure any of that made sense, but thank you to anyone who's read this far.

I can relate to how you feel. Especially on you feeling alone and struggling to articulate how dark and desolate it feels. By the way I love your user name. I've read the book The Goldfinch and love it! Don't know you at all but I've had that lonely and feeling like I don't belong anywhere before. Sometimes it's hard to get out in the social world to talk to others and have others accept you, but I hear you. If you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a message.

 

[Murakami_1]

Maybe a little late, but welcome. I promise we are all very nice