New too, just getting something of my chest for a start

[Hylke]

Hi I am Hylke, 19 years old, living in the Netherlands and I feel like ****.

I do not have any friends, and no social life. What I did today: randomly browsing the internet. I don't even remember what anymore. The rest of my weekend? The same. And the rest of my week, 2009, 2008, high school...I do not have a single happy memory from high school.

The only thing I enjoyed in the past few years was tripping my brain out on magic mushrooms. Although this may sound bad, it was actually a beautiful experience end I had a really good time every time I did it.

Truth is, the first time I did it I only went so that I could hang out with people. Well ok it seemed cool as well. I didn't do it to 'fit in' but just to have a reason to be around any people at all. To have a reason to talk to them.

I never talk to people, or at least not like they talk to other people. Nobody ever knows what to say to me, and I don't know what to say to them. And it just ends up being shallow or silent. I know it's a cliche but I don't think people get me. I am very defensive about myself so I just try to wrap it in jokes and careful hints. HAHAHAHA I AM SOOO DEPRESSED LOL! Even when I am serious people still think I am kidding.
I am not natural around most people anyway. I don't know how to relate to them, think I might upset one of the seemingly arbitrary rules of social interaction that all other people seem to get, looking for hidden meaning behind their words (like I often have behind mine).

During high school I just had a single real friend who got me, who hung out with me. The other people I talked to at school (I used to define friends as: people I sometimes talk to) were completely different from me. I just didn't have another nerd in my class. Furthermore I was (and am still) very ugly, although most of the acne has gone away.

Anyway my friend went away. First to another class. He got other friends, contact lessened. After high school he joined the army, got a life, obviously didn't need me anymore and we had no more contact. I often lay awake thinking about him, he was my best friend ever and I miss him. Although I don't think I ever meant anything to him.

So now I don't have any friends left and I just sit at home on a Saturday night with my parents and my younger brother. My parents don't understand me either, mainly because I never talk to them. I just feel awkward telling my mom how I feel because she can overreact so much and is kind of like me in a different way; she can't carry a normal conversation either. Never gets a joke, always overreacts, has nothing to add and seems to live in a world of her own. Not being able to talk to people is the only thing we have in common. So I just gave up talking to her.
My dad is better, but he hardly ever talks to me. I'd love to talk to him but first of all this would mean he would talk to my mom about it, which I don't want. Secondly I feel like I am just a disappointment to him and I don't want to disappoint him any further, he is very athletic and a great guy to drink a beer with for many, both of which I am not.
Finally there is my kid brother, whom I think suffers from the same thing as me. He just responds by diving in the world of video games. The only interaction the family has with him is his angry grunting (literally it seems like he is incapable of normal speech) when he needs to turn the computer of for diner, or when he doesn't get what he want (he needs to turn the computer of for another reason, he can't sit behind the computer because he needs to go somewhere, he doesn't like diner, we chew too loudly, aren't any snacks or candy or just because) he is seventeen by the way.
All in all not a very happy family, and diners mostly consist of silence.

I would love to do something with my life, but I have no idea what. I was thinking of joining the chess club, but I have been putting it of for ages (I am afraid). I always say I'm going to get out of bed early the next morning and just do something. I usually get out around 12 when I don't have to go to school. Eat my lunch and sit behind my laptop.

I feel like I just wasted my life sitting behind that damn computer. And I did. First games, thousands of hours, and then internet thousands of hours, to achieve what? Nothing. And I can see my brother is doing the same and if I'd ever get kids I'd know they'd do the same as well. Probably the only reason my mom and or my dad turned out better is because there weren't any computers back then and they came from big families.

I do work by the way, and it is a ****** job. I don't even need the money since I hardly spend anything, but my work IS my social life. I actually feel comfortable around many of my colleagues and I can just have fun with them. They are possibly the most important people in my life although I can't talk to them seriously (again the HAHAHA I AM SO DEPRESSED LOL! effect). I can't talk about any of the subjects I hold so dear, science, chess, philosophy etc. And they will have forgotten me in a few years while I'll probably still remember them for the rest of my life.

I do go to college with some great people, that actually treat me as if I'm a normal person, but as I said before, I just can't talk to them. Still my self esteem improved a little since I started college, so that's a good thing. But apart from that college is the same as high school, lonely, depressed and the internet as my only distraction from the sadness.

Anyway I just feel like ****, I have no self esteem, which started way back when I was in ground school being teased and beaten up. Which I remember as the most real and best part of my life (I actually had friends! Multiple). The only reason I don't feel miserable all the time is because I just stopped thinking. Once I start thinking a wave of depression just hits me.

I wish I could talk to a girl (I usually just freeze up completely). Have sex for the first time. Get a friend. Find something that will make life not completely pointless. Feel good about myself. But I just don't see that happening. I wasted and will waste my best years and I won't be so much as a footnote in anyone's life, let alone human history.

Anyway this was possibly the longest thing I wrote in a single go, and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just had to get it of my chest, but I didn't. It just made me more depressed. I am going to sleep now, because I need to get up early tomorrow for a whole three hours of the joy known as 'policy processes'.

Good night.

 

[ExtensivexLDL]

I read the ENTIRE thing man..Welcome to the site, I went through much of what you did too and my progress through the years was painfully slow. Then I found this:

www.succeedsocially.com

Assuming you REALLY want a social life.. browse through it.

 

[Punisher]

Hi
sorry you feel so bad,
my advice would be bad advice so i wont bother.

 

[Katia]

I read the whole thing too, Hylke

I think that you will find that some people here feel the same way about their lives too.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

 

[Van Hooligan X]

hey, welcome to the forum, life's tough bud. i haz no social life too if it'll make you feel like your not the only 1.

 

[packyourbags]

hey there Hylke!!!!!

(don't worry it wasn't THAT long, lol, i read it all as well )

and well - if you want to chat - i'd be glad to swap a line or two

 

[Hylke]

Wow thanks you all

 

[itsmylife]

Hey Hylke welcome to the forum. Hopefully you will find people here to talk to who you relate to with some of the points in your post.

 

[LonelyDragon]

I am very defensive about myself so I just try to wrap it in jokes and careful hints. HAHAHAHA I AM SOOO DEPRESSED LOL! Even when I am serious people still think I am kidding.
I am not natural around most people anyway. I don't know how to relate to them, think I might upset one of the seemingly arbitrary rules of social interaction that all other people seem to get, looking for hidden meaning behind their words (like I often have behind mine).

I have to admit, I don't usually read the entirety of longer posts but I did in this case. A good deal of it I can relate to. That section in particular. I do the same thing at work. Whenever I talk about personal things I make it sound like I half kidding and I get weird looks. But no one really takes the comments seriously.

As far as the part about upsetting the rules of interaction goes - don't put so much emphasis on it. Too many people do that to the point that you can't say anything without upsetting someone. It falls under the "You can't please all of the people all of the time" category. And actually it's a good way to weed out the people who aren't understanding to your ways. If you can say something that you think or feel about something and someone doesn't get upset or offended or whatever, then maybe they either feel similarly or are at least open minded enough that you can be yourself around them.

In a lot of ways it sounds like you are simply a product of your environment. It sounds like you and your brother both have "inherited" some of your traits at least partially from your mother. You say you've just stopped talking to her, but have you actually tried talking to her about this? If she's the same way maybe she'd be more understanding than you realize simply because she's been through it. And with your dad, if you're worried about him sharing what you say to him with your mom can't you just ask him to keep it between the two of you?

 

[Steel]

Hey, and welcome.

I too read everything

 

[gal_lisa]

hi there,

thanx for your honesty in your post. it touched me a lot. i hated high school too and spent weekends hanging out with my parents. now that i'm older, i can look back and see some of the good times i didn't recognize then.

i am concerned about u using magic mushrooms. drugs can be an appealing escape from the hard reality but it will only be a nightmare for u in the end.

glad u r on this forum! welcome!

 

[Minus]

Welcome

 

[WHY]

From the way you wrote your post...I think you're intelligent and you actually think about people and what they think (I don't mean in a caring way but more in a way of exploring). You talk to them but you sit on the sidelines getting to know them. You don't seem to care much for whether someone might think you're a great person (because from what you said some people actually seem to take to you) you want to leave a mark. You want someone to not just like you but to actually look deeper and bring out that person you really are. You need someone who knows life and who is interested in what you are thinking and your views and it would probably be a lot better if it was a girl right?

I think you're going through you're mid life crisis where you feel like you know what you want but you really can't put your finger on it and you have no one to talk to about it. You look at the people around you but you feel they are too shallow which they probably are right now but you know that no one older and more mature wants to talk you to.

You want something out of life and like everyone you want to leave a mark after yourself and have someone actually care and remember you. But honestly that's what we all thought when we were kids. We all had great expectations and we felt that when we'd grow up we'd know exactly what we are going to do. But life doesn't always end up that way and there comes a moment where you find yourself alone not knowing how to go about making the right friends who will fulfill our mature needs...Am I on the right track here? This is at least how I see why you're depressed. I think that you're alone but not because there is something wrong with you but because you are actually intelligent and want more but you just don't know how to go about it and you need a friend who would understand you.

 

[evanescencefan91]

hey hykle welcome to the forum

lol i actually do the same thing sometuimes. just make really depressing jokes about how sad my life is.

sometimes i feel just like ted from scrubs

 

[Scorn_Dem17]

"I wish I could talk to a girl (I usually just freeze up completely). Have sex for the first time. Get a friend. Find something that will make life not completely pointless. Feel good about myself. But I just don't see that happening. I wasted and will waste my best years and I won't be so much as a footnote in anyone's life, let alone human history."

I read the whole thing but this section reminds me about my life.. Except im a female and im not a virgin.. Unfotunately i was raped the first time I tried at having a boyfriend...Raped and used at 14. Anyways Hang in there...We are still young.. we still have a chance at getting real social lives.

 

[kismet]

Wow.. o__o you remind me a lot of myself. I can relate with it so well. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here for ya. I think I could give you a lot of advice, since your life has been a lot like mine. And I've come a LONG way from that point. x]

And Netherlands? My boyfriend lives there. Such an awesome place, I got to live there for a month. ^^

 

[marigold]

From the way you wrote your post...I think you're intelligent and you actually think about people and what they think (I don't mean in a caring way but more in a way of exploring). You talk to them but you sit on the sidelines getting to know them. You don't seem to care much for whether someone might think you're a great person (because from what you said some people actually seem to take to you) you want to leave a mark. You want someone to not just like you but to actually look deeper and bring out that person you really are. You need someone who knows life and who is interested in what you are thinking and your views and it would probably be a lot better if it was a girl right?

I think you're going through you're mid life crisis where you feel like you know what you want but you really can't put your finger on it and you have no one to talk to about it. You look at the people around you but you feel they are too shallow which they probably are right now but you know that no one older and more mature wants to talk you to.

You want something out of life and like everyone you want to leave a mark after yourself and have someone actually care and remember you. But honestly that's what we all thought when we were kids. We all had great expectations and we felt that when we'd grow up we'd know exactly what we are going to do. But life doesn't always end up that way and there comes a moment where you find yourself alone not knowing how to go about making the right friends who will fulfill our mature needs...Am I on the right track here? This is at least how I see why you're depressed. I think that you're alone but not because there is something wrong with you but because you are actually intelligent and want more but you just don't know how to go about it and you need a friend who would understand you.

I know that post is NOT for me BUT Thank you!!

 

[Athiest #001]

I feel exactly the same way, games, internet, and all.

 

[Naleena]

Hello Hylke and welcome I hope you make many friends here.

 

[ledchick]

Well, first of all )))))Welcome((((((
I am so glad you found your way here, I know I am.
Your post is heartfelt and so well written. You are obviously an intelligent person.
I hope that you find some light here!