No one wants to commit anymore

[kamya]

Maybe you are right and i don't have much to say but since you are over thinking maybe you shoud go with it and stop overthinking it? go out of your confort zone...start by going somewhere  and talk to a girl it would help. I don't claime to have all the awnser either im just trying to cheer you up for what it's wroth im  not succeding at all. I think it's better to stay positif, it's work but if you are up for it it might help. It doesint really matter what you say to a girl just starting somewhere is a good start. If there not into it move on there will be someone that will be, we can't please everyone.

I should clarify i have no issues talking to and approaching women. Making friends. Its not a real issue for me.

Its the relationship part that never happens.

I appreciate what you're trying to do. Im sure there are a few here that would benefit. Sadly it doesnt really apply in my case.

 

[Paraiyar]

Not only that, but there has to be someone available that you actually want to date.  I could be the coolest, most successful, most interesting guy in the world right now, but if everyone I want is taken and/or they think i'm a loser because I made a bad impression because I didn't know what to do, then there isn't any action I can take, other than to fill the void with someone I don't want to commit to because they are all that is left rather than someone I actually want to get to know, thus becoming part of the problem myself.

Dude, I have to say it: This comment is crazy on multiple levels: If you were the most successful and coolest guy on the planet then you aren't going to come across as loser because you'd have the skills not to make a bad impression. I'm not exactly sure how you'd qualify being the 'most successful' guy in the world but I'm pretty sure this would be implicit for most people.

Secondly, assuming you were this person who could more-or-less have his pick of women, it's just ridiculous to say that everyone you want would be taken. There are what, roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet? Even if you're only interested in certain races, it would still leave you with millions to choose from. There is just no way in that scenario that you could even come close to running out of a supply of suitable girls, not unless you've pedestalized about 4 of them out of the 3.5 billion of them which is what you seem to have done, based on many of your other posts. I really hope that you snap out of this before your 30s are over and realize that these 4 girls weren't so special that their won't be millions more that are just as good.

That is a very optimistic viewpoint.

How? Remember that, per Ska's comment, we are assuming you are the coolest, most successful guy in the world and therefore wouldn't have trouble attracting women. If you couldn't find a woman you wanted in that scenario then that would indicate a problem with you not anyone else. Not following how that can be concieved as a very optimistic viewpoint.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Dude, I have to say it: This comment is crazy on multiple levels: If you were the most successful and coolest guy on the planet then you aren't going to come across as loser because you'd have the skills not to make a bad impression. I'm not exactly sure how you'd qualify being the 'most successful' guy in the world but I'm pretty sure this would be implicit for most people.

Secondly, assuming you were this person who could more-or-less have his pick of women, it's just ridiculous to say that everyone you want would be taken. There are what, roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet? Even if you're only interested in certain races, it would still leave you with millions to choose from. There is just no way in that scenario that you could even come close to running out of a supply of suitable girls, not unless you've pedestalized about 4 of them out of the 3.5 billion of them which is what you seem to have done, based on many of your other posts. I really hope that you snap out of this before your 30s are over and realize that these 4 girls weren't so special that their won't be millions more that are just as good.

I'm saying, even if I became successful and interesting later, would it be enough for me to overcome the bad impression I made before I was successful and interesting?  Or would the women I like always see me as the loser I was before I worked on myself, making self-improvement a waste of time?
I don't know what I can say.  I don't mean to be rude to you, Paraiyar, because I think you're a cool guy and you are trying to help.  But I'm afraid i just don't agree on this.  I really felt like those girls were what i was always looking for and I think I could have been good enough if I only knew ahead of time how I could be attractive while still being good-natured.  And I don't think just anyone would make me feel as excited or as curious about them as they could have.  I realize I make it hard for myself but it's how I feel.

 

[Paraiyar]

Dude, I have to say it: This comment is crazy on multiple levels: If you were the most successful and coolest guy on the planet then you aren't going to come across as loser because you'd have the skills not to make a bad impression. I'm not exactly sure how you'd qualify being the 'most successful' guy in the world but I'm pretty sure this would be implicit for most people.

Secondly, assuming you were this person who could more-or-less have his pick of women, it's just ridiculous to say that everyone you want would be taken. There are what, roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet? Even if you're only interested in certain races, it would still leave you with millions to choose from. There is just no way in that scenario that you could even come close to running out of a supply of suitable girls, not unless you've pedestalized about 4 of them out of the 3.5 billion of them which is what you seem to have done, based on many of your other posts. I really hope that you snap out of this before your 30s are over and realize that these 4 girls weren't so special that their won't be millions more that are just as good.

I'm saying, even if I became successful and interesting later, would it be enough for me to overcome the bad impression I made before I was successful and interesting?  Or would the women I like always see me as the loser I was before I worked on myself, making self-improvement a waste of time?
I don't know what I can say.  I don't mean to be rude to you, Paraiyar, because I think you're a cool guy and you are trying to help.  But I'm afraid i just don't agree on this.  I really felt like those girls were what i was always looking for and I think I could have been good enough if I only knew ahead of time how I could be attractive while still being good-natured.  And I don't think just anyone would make me feel as excited or as curious about them as they could have.  I realize I make it hard for myself but it's how I feel.

i think it's fully possible to recover from a bad impression if the amount of progress you've made in life is apparent. But I also think at some point you'll come to the conclusion that it's better to look forwards and not backwards with this sort of thing. Not saying any of this to be a prick, I just think you're falling into the trap of dwelling and it's stopping you from making more of the present. I've done it to pften in the past and I really think it is a waste of life.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm saying, even if I became successful and interesting later, would it be enough for me to overcome the bad impression I made before I was successful and interesting?  Or would the women I like always see me as the loser I was before I worked on myself, making self-improvement a waste of time?

Umm, yes? What, do you think we women are nothing but hallow, shallow boxes? You seem to be under the impression that if you don't have a stuffed bank account or declared the most interesting man on earth, that no woman would ever be into you. Many of us don't care about that. And just because you don't like someone who is interested in you, doesn't mean that interest wasn't there. It's fine if you don't return the feelings, just as it's perfectly fine if someone you like doesn't have mutual feelings, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. I could probably almost guarantee there have been ladies that were interested in you.

You're a decent guy, Ska. It's just that a lot of your ideals are acidic, to say the least.

 

[ardour]

You're a decent guy, Ska. It's just that a lot of your ideals are acidic, to say the least.

His own worst enemy...

 

[TheSkaFish]

i think it's fully possible to recover from a bad impression if the amount of progress you've made in life is apparent. But I also think at some point you'll come to the conclusion that it's better to look forwards and not backwards with this sort of thing. Not saying any of this to be a prick, I just think you're falling into the trap of dwelling and it's stopping you from making more of the present. I've done it to pften in the past and I really think it is a waste of life.

I hope you're right, that it is possible to recover from making bad impressions I made from when I didn't know better and still had a lot of those thoughts and feelings from my school days still stuck in my head, making me think I was inferior and acting it out without meaning to.

I get what you're saying about it being easier to start over again fresh, but I think I am looking for different things than most.  I'm looking for a very specific experience.  And I want to break out of my old role that I only wound up in because I didn't know better.  I want to prove that I can be more than that.
   

---

Umm, yes? What, do you think we women are nothing but hallow, shallow boxes? You seem to be under the impression that if you don't have a stuffed bank account or declared the most interesting man on earth, that no woman would ever be into you. Many of us don't care about that. And just because you don't like someone who is interested in you, doesn't mean that interest wasn't there. It's fine if you don't return the feelings, just as it's perfectly fine if someone you like doesn't have mutual feelings, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. I could probably almost guarantee there have been ladies that were interested in you.

No, I don't think women are shallow, hollow boxes, though I think certain types of men have advantages with women, just as certain types of women have advantages with men.  And I don't think someone needs to be rich or at the top of their field to be attractive.  But I know I need to bring more to the table, especially for the women I want to experience.  They are more unique and stimulating than I am, they represent where I want to be but haven't developed into it yet.  Like I said to Paraiyar, I want to break out of my old role from childhood and my teen years,  and I want to date someone who is aligned with what I want from life and who I want to be but didn't think I could get and just didn't know how.  I feel like they could take me in the direction I wanted to go, but most other women couldn't give me the experience I'm looking for.

I can't imagine what women might be interested in me though, or why.  As much as I think I am as good as other guys, I also feel like I am a mess.

You're a decent guy, Ska. It's just that a lot of your ideals are acidic, to say the least.

Again, thanks for saying I'm decent.  And I do see how my views could rub some people the wrong way.  I don't mean to be an elitist because I know how it can be hurtful to be looked down on, from having others look down on me myself.  That has been my little "war" my whole life, me against the "cool kids".  On the one hand the causes of my bitterness are real.  I was treated coldly, and people who ranged from no better than me to legitimately terrible were treated very well in spite of it.  But on the other hand, I have wondered lately if my bitterness is a self-perpetuating cycle.  And bitterness is widely considered one of the most unattractive traits.  Sometimes I think if I spent the energy I spend cursing out this and that power group, on actually being more fun and gaining more depth of character, then maybe I could have avoided all this.  

---

His own worst enemy...

That's probably at least somewhat the case.  Seeing myself as a victim instead of a capable person is at the center of all this.  I am slowly recovering from it, but there's a lot for me to undo, and then redo the right way.  Sometimes I feel like I have to totally relearn how to be a person.  It will probably take to unlearn the old way and learn the new one.

---

I don't want to get too far off topic here of why people won't commit.  Just wanted to give my views is all.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

"It takes a mixture of components (physical attraction, emotional and mental connection, compatible character, similar goals) that are very hard to come by" and "I'm physically attracted to him, we seem to have a similar view on life, we clicked mentally and I thought things were going well"

I think this is your problem. Honestly, this is very overly ideological, so you might be put off by it, but it seems you're "looking" for someone specific. Don't do that. Don't create an ideal guy in your head, with a checklist of characteristics that he needs to have. Because if you do, two things will happen, you will probably project him onto some guy who might not actually be all that great for you, and the moment you see some other guy NOT reach that standard, you'll ignore him, telling yourself he "isn't your type". Yes, obviously, you have the right to have preferences and to some degree you can't help not being attracted to some people, but the moment you stop having an open mind is the moment you start making things complicated for yourself and might miss out on some great opportunities and people.

My first girlfriend was, honestly, everything I was looking for. We had the same interests, she matched what my physical preference was at the time (pale, blue eyes, red hair, thin), we agreed on most matters politically, philosophically etc. If I had to really dig for one major flaw, it was that she was religious and family/home oriented, and I'm neither, but those were never serious obstacle. And yet when I look back at that relationship, even though it was decent.... I don't miss her. At all. Don't even care. The people I do miss were actually quite different from me, different taste in music, appearance, some different ideologies. But we clicked on a deeper, emotional level because our similarities were deeper than just those superficial levels, and we shared lots of emotional experiences together.

My advice is stop looking, and just... interact. With people. Go out, share experiences, open up about yourself. And maybe, just maybe, someone you never expected, will turn out to be everything you ever needed.

 

[user 139760]

How hard can it be to find a guy I like who is available for a relationship??? I've been trying online dating for months and I'm back to square one. The craziest thing is I'm a beautiful woman, I have a nice personality, I'm stable and independent. I've met guys who were interested in me but unfortunately I didn't feel the same way. I can't find what I'm looking for. Whenever I meet a guy I like he either is already taken or he is unavailable for other reasons. First of all, I'm not the kind of woman who falls easily. It takes a mixture of components (physical attraction, emotional and mental connection, compatible character, similar goals) that are very hard to come by. I haven't managed to find this with any of the men I met online. Then strangely enough I met a guy in real life who seemed to be what I'm looking for. I'm physically attracted to him, we seem to have a similar view on life, we clicked mentally and I thought things were going well. Stupidly enough I thought my luck had finally changed. Well, I was wrong. He just told me his last relationship ended badly because she was controlling and possessive, so now that he's single he has no intention of going back to that. It figures! I'm terribly disappointed and feel like crying. I decided to come here and vent instead.

I'm not doing anything. Feel like coffee?

;-)

 

[ShyNLonely]

Don't get me wrong girl who opened topic, .... I have problem with other stuff. I'm 125% relationship and family guy, like Ted Mosby, .... luckily, some guy on reddit gave me 4/10 in terms of look grade. XD ... I'm broke as f**k. I have genetic disease which my kids can have, and it can turn out badly ... and girls, most of it are; " You are 24, you just graduated on college, you need to have apartment, car, money and good job ... all that with 24. ". Which I personaly think it's really hilarious ... so guys from my country go on philipines and find wifes.

 

[Nabbit]

Take a chance on a guy who isn't 100% perfect. I did that with a guy once and I was pleasantly surprised. We only broke up in the end because I had to move to college, but our relationship was going perfectly.

Nothing in life is ever perfect, or goes exactly as you plan. So why expect other people to be perfect?