Odd behavior

[EveWasFramed]

Seems like two different equally important issues are developing in the household.

I had to respect and obey my stepmother.

My dad constantly reminded me that she was his wife and acted as a parent to me while I was in the home.

He beat my ass more than once for disrespecting her.

I'm fortunate in a way. They don't get ugly with me. I woundnt stand for it for even a second. 
However, it's clear that I don't handle any discipline. I could, but I'm sure it would make the situation even worse. They do other things that hurt me. They ignore me unless they want something and my feelings about anything are rarely considered when it come with to the boys (by them, their father or their mother). But all of that aside, they are making huge mistakes in raising the boys.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Seems like two different equally important issues are developing in the household.

I had to respect and obey my stepmother.

My dad constantly reminded me that she was his wife and acted as a parent to me while I was in the home.

He beat my ass more than once for disrespecting her.

I'm fortunate in a way. They don't get ugly with me. I woundnt stand for it for even a second. 
However, it's clear that I don't handle any discipline. I could, but I'm sure it would make the situation even worse. They do other things that hurt me. They ignore me unless they want something and my feelings about anything are rarely considered when it come with to the boys (by them, their father or their mother). But all of that aside, they are making huge mistakes in raising the boys.

I've bolded the areas of concern. That's not what family is supposed to look like. As far as I'm concerned, that's your house and they are staying in it. You should receive full consideration as a human being, an adult, a wife, and a maternal (figure). What is their father teaching them about how to treat women? It seems like he's not setting a great example on how to protect the feelings of a beloved spouse and his better half. Good luck and Godspeed.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Seems like two different equally important issues are developing in the household.

I had to respect and obey my stepmother.

My dad constantly reminded me that she was his wife and acted as a parent to me while I was in the home.

He beat my ass more than once for disrespecting her.

I'm fortunate in a way. They don't get ugly with me. I woundnt stand for it for even a second. 
However, it's clear that I don't handle any discipline. I could, but I'm sure it would make the situation even worse. They do other things that hurt me. They ignore me unless they want something and my feelings about anything are rarely considered when it come with to the boys (by them, their father or their mother). But all of that aside, they are making huge mistakes in raising the boys.

I've bolded the areas of concern. That's not what family is supposed to look like. As far as I'm concerned, that's your house and they are staying in it. You should receive full consideration as a human being, an adult, a wife, and a maternal (figure). What is their father teaching them about how to treat women? It seems like he's not setting a great example on how to protect the feelings of a beloved spouse and his better half. Good luck and Godspeed.

I agree with you. Those issues you've highlighted are on his shoulders - not so much theirs. 
Thanks for your responses by the way. Glad to know I'm not being irrational in my thoughts.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I called our doctor's office today but they told me that because neither parent had me authorized as someone the doctor could talk to about my stepson's medical issues, that the doctor couldn't speak to me.
I left the message any way. I was very surprised when he called around seven this evening. He asked what was going on, and said that he couldn't give me any of my stepson's medical info but that had no problem at all listening to any concerns I might have. Once I explained my dilemma about being responsible for his meds, he suggested I give him one each day, if the parents would allow that (I would retain the bottle). He said if that didn't work, he could "run some tests."
I'm assuming he meant he'd drug test the child. Of course I asked him for our convo to be in complete confidence and he agreed. I also mentioned the idea to his dad this evening. He said since his son wasn't taking them until school starts back next week, that he'd decide on it by the weekend.
Seems he's still not convince that the medicine had been cross purposed in some way.
I suppose I've done all I can do at this point, short of making his mother aware. Short of taking him back to live with her, there's nothing she can do here to help him. And she simply isn't going to remove him from this situation because it's a lot of difficulties that will be added to her plate.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Had a three hour talk with the mom. Utterly pointless. No intervention of any kind will be forthcoming.
Even with the knowledge of finding a Southern Comfort bottle and the rest of the things I've mentioned in my other post. I was stunned.

 

[constant stranger]

Eve, are there any sentiments of thanks or gratitude coming your way from anyone in the family for caring and taking some responsibility?

Or are you in a thankless position?

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Had a three hour talk with the mom. Utterly pointless. No intervention of any kind will be forthcoming.
Even with the knowledge of finding a Southern Comfort bottle and the rest of the things I've mentioned in my other post. I was stunned.

Been there. Your concern will highlight her lack of concern. Hence, you will eventually be the recipient of contempt.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Eve, are there any sentiments of thanks or gratitude coming your way from anyone in the family for caring and taking some responsibility?

Or are you in a thankless position?

Thankless. Utterly. What I do for everyone seems to be expected. None of them have a clue that stepparents are no longer expected to fill the role of the missing parent. I suppose i shouldn't expect much from the stepsons - they are ignorant to a lot of things. You'd think their mother would show a litle gratitude, but no. I did have to listen to her talk about her depression however. 

Edit: If any of them showed even a small amount of gratitude, I suppose I wouldn't feel so badly abused by them. 

:club:

---

Had a three hour talk with the mom. Utterly pointless. No intervention of any kind will be forthcoming.
Even with the knowledge of finding a Southern Comfort bottle and the rest of the things I've mentioned in my other post. I was stunned.

Been there. Your concern will highlight her lack of concern. Hence, you will eventually be the recipient of contempt.

Agreed. I'm already getting a little of that from the husband. 
As much as I'd like to keep the two of the stepsons from ruining their lives, I'm not getting any support from either parent. They'll have to live with the consequences of their actions.

 

[constant stranger]

".....them....they....their....the husband....". My perception of your vocabulary indicates a 'me and them' point of view on your part, rather than an 'us' perspective. Am I wrong about that?

 

[EveWasFramed]

".....them....they....their....the husband....".  My perception of your vocabulary indicates a 'me and them' point of view on your part, rather than an 'us' perspective.  Am I wrong about that?

You're absolutely correct. I'd hoped for a "we or us" dynamic, but it quickly became clear, that no matter what I did, that was never going to be. Here are basically three family units. They are:
Myself and my husband, myself and my daughter and my husband and his kids and ex wife. 
There are a number of reasons for this. His kids are nearly grown is part of the reason. Another part is that his children see me as "dad's wife, Deborah." I'm pretty much invisible to them. The four for them are still stuck in the "previous family."  I'm not suggesting that's not normal in some cases. It's just not what I was striving for when I got married. The dynamic has change a lot since we got married. The 16 year old is never at home for family dinner anymore. He doesn't even associate with his parents (me as well) unless he wants or need something. Their parents don't welcome my input on the boys either. 
So it's not just my "view" unfortunately - it's the reality of the situation here.

 

[constant stranger]

If the boys grow up, that would start a new chapter in the story eh?
Are you thinking about how much is enough in terms of your obligations to the two young men?
And do you have enough energy and personal resources left over to give to the young lady what she deserves?

 

[bleed_the_freak]

My question is has this changed the way you see your husband? Are we looking at a course of events that has caused growth of resentment? loss of respect? lack of trust? doubt of compatibility? or any of the above?

 

[EveWasFramed]

*sigh*

Yes. Yes to everything both of you are asking.

 

[EveWasFramed]

This morning, my stepson opened the (stapled) closed bag from the pharmacy and began to take his ADD meds in preparation of going back to school tomorrow after the holiday break.
My husband didn't think we needed to give him his meds one at a time as the doctor suggested.
There should have been 29 pills in the bottle. There were only 27. That means three were removed today.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. He clearly is either using too many or doing something else with them he shouldn't be. If I rat him out, I'm afraid of retaliation.

Edit: texted his dad and he said to count them everyday going forward, in case the pharmacy made an error. Then he asked me what prompted me to count them. I guess I thought it was pretty obvious why but reminded him of the missing ones from last time.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

smh

Protect yourself first. It appears while you are busy giving a damn, others are not.

Good book, candlelight, bubble bath.

There's NOTHING you can do to help the situation.

 

[Paraiyar]

Look after your daughter and forget the others.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You guys are right. It's like beating my head against a wall. His parents obviously don't care and my continued involvement is only going to make my own situation worse.
Thank you to everyone who replied. <3

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you weren't there, where would the younger boy be? Would he be allowed to stay in the house alone or would he be with his mother where he's supposed to be?

It is pretty obvious that you aren't respected, yet you have the job of taking care of them while the mom and dad aren't around. I would flat out tell them that you either get the respect you deserve or you won't take on the responsibility of caring for someone who abuses everything, including you...

Also, as hard as it is to think about, do you have a backup plan?

 

[bleed_the_freak]

^ Nods to the backup plan.

I used to be a real *******. Only having aged and grown past that can I see when someone is really being an ******* to others. You may be surrounded by ********.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where time seems to be the only solution, don't kid yourself or abuse yourself. Time doesn't make people better. It doesn't make them respect you. It doesn't make them value you. All time does is continue and compound the pain and stress. Not advising you to exit your marriage or anything of that sort, just for the record and for clarity's sake. Just advising that you be honest with yourself and decisive if need be. Lingering ain't healthy.

 

[constant stranger]

It doesn't seem like there are any good options for you. Whatever course of action you choose to take will incur a price you'll be paying.

It sounds cold, but the notion of a 'cost benefit analysis' occurs to me. Keep on expending effort with the boy, at what benefit to anybody? Wash your hands of his self destructive behavior at the risk of his life's deterioration, and that's going to be a price the whole family construct will have to absorb.

I suppose you and the girl could just walk away and the same applies: cost versus benefit.