Online dating - just a carousel of people you meet - still back at square one

[VanillaCreme]

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at.

 

[ardour]

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at.

Mental disorders don't make anyone less human. That doesn't mean you should have to consider someone with a mental illness as a partner, which is what Callie was implying (and Sofia was laughing at). There are good reasons not to.

Depending on the nature of the illness (BPD for example) there's a likelihood that the relationship could turn into something akin to co-dependancy.  Literally almost anyone could fill the (temporary) need for validation the person has. You just happen to be that person. Nobody wants that, aside from abusers that is. Not trying to stigmatize anyone, but people have the right to seek out their own happiness and a measure of stability.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at.

Mental disorders don't make anyone less human. That doesn't mean you should have to consider someone with a mental illness as a partner, which is what Callie was implying.

Depending on the nature of the illness (BPD for example) there's a likelihood that the relationship could turn into something akin to co-dependancy.  Literally almost anyone could fill the (temporary) need for validation this person has. You just happen to be that person. Nobody wants that, aside from abusers that is.

That's what I was implying?  So glad I have complete strangers to tell me what I do.  I'd never know otherwise.
No, I wasn't implying anything.  I was asking a damn question.  And also co-dependency happens a hell of a lot more than you think it does in relationships WITHOUT mental disorders. 

Now, part two of the question I asked.....okay, how about if you were dating someone and something happened where they developed a disorder?  Would you leave them?

 

[VanillaCreme]

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at.

Mental disorders don't make anyone less human. That doesn't mean you should have to consider someone with a mental illness as a partner, which is what Callie was implying (and Sofia was laughing at). There are good reasons not to.

Depending on the nature of the illness (BPD for example) there's a likelihood that the relationship could turn into something akin to co-dependancy.  Literally almost anyone could fill the (temporary) need for validation the person has. You just happen to be that person. Nobody wants that, aside from abusers that is. Not trying to stigmatize anyone, but people have the right to seek out their own happiness and a measure of stability.

I wasn't saying that someone should have to consider it. If I wanted to insinuate that, I would have flat out said it. And even though you're right, I don't have to think that a disgusting comment like that is less vile simply because we have options. It was my opinion. You don't have to agree with it. I'm not telling you what to think of it.

 

[ardour]

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at.

Mental disorders don't make anyone less human. That doesn't mean you should have to consider someone with a mental illness as a partner, which is what Callie was implying.

Depending on the nature of the illness (BPD for example) there's a likelihood that the relationship could turn into something akin to co-dependancy.  Literally almost anyone could fill the (temporary) need for validation this person has. You just happen to be that person. Nobody wants that, aside from abusers that is.

That's what I was implying?  So glad I have complete strangers to tell me what I do.  I'd never know otherwise.
No, I wasn't implying anything.  I was asking a damn question.  And also co-dependency happens a hell of a lot more than you think it does in relationships WITHOUT mental disorders. 

Now, part two of the question I asked.....okay, how about if you were dating someone and something happened where they developed a disorder?  Would you leave them?

It's different if there's already a meaningful bond between the two of you. But as said I wouldn't enter a relationship where it was obvious I was just being used as an interchangeable source of validation. Neither would most people.

 

[TheRealCallie]

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at.

Mental disorders don't make anyone less human. That doesn't mean you should have to consider someone with a mental illness as a partner, which is what Callie was implying.

Depending on the nature of the illness (BPD for example) there's a likelihood that the relationship could turn into something akin to co-dependancy.  Literally almost anyone could fill the (temporary) need for validation this person has. You just happen to be that person. Nobody wants that, aside from abusers that is.

That's what I was implying?  So glad I have complete strangers to tell me what I do.  I'd never know otherwise.
No, I wasn't implying anything.  I was asking a damn question.  And also co-dependency happens a hell of a lot more than you think it does in relationships WITHOUT mental disorders. 

Now, part two of the question I asked.....okay, how about if you were dating someone and something happened where they developed a disorder?  Would you leave them?

It's different if there's an already established bond between the two of you. But as i said I wouldn't enter into a relationship where I was just being used as an interchangeable source of validation.

Isn't that kind of presumptuous of you to think you know exactly what's going to happen?
And no, it's not always different if there's an established relationship.  I've seen it happen. 

You can't help who you fall in love with, but if you don't even give it a shot, how do you know what you could have had?  I'm not saying every person needs to date people with mental illnesses, but to dismiss them so easily based on what COULD happen?

 

[DarkSelene]

But as said I wouldn't enter a relationship where it was obvious  I was just being used as an interchangeable source of validation. Neither would most people.

I don't see anything wrong with the mental issue statement, there's nothing inherently cruel about knowing what you want (in this case, what you wouldn't want) and follow it through by not letting yourself get in a situation where you wouldn't feel comfortable and where reaching a point of acceptable stability might be harder (talking about BPD as an example).

Buuuut, just because someone has low self-esteem doesn't mean they'd accept attention and validation from anyone. Being someone's partner does makes you a immediate source of validation towards them but it doesn't mean it's interchangeable, it doesn't mean that their choice of partner is less valued than yours because you assume they'd be accepting anyone who gave them the time. That's quite a misconception and, may I say, a little hypocritical.

 

[NillaWiggs]

There IS someone out there for everyone.  Whether you meet them or not in your lifetime is another matter.  You can't honestly believe that there isn't at least one person that you would mesh well with out of the 7-8 BILLION people on this planet, can you?

Excluding those with would partner up with just about any man living in the  west because they need a way out of poverty, plus those who rock bottom self-esteem and/or diagnosable personality/mental disorders? Yep I could quite easily believe that.

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

You're gonna be alone a long time with that thought process. There are far more people in this world that have some form of mental instability than there are that don't. & honestly, judging by the content of our lovely little site here, I'd say all of us fall under the former category.

 

[ardour]

But as said I wouldn't enter a relationship where it was obvious  I was just being used as an interchangeable source of validation. Neither would most people.

I don't see anything wrong with the mental issue statement, there's nothing inherently cruel about knowing what you want (in this case, what you wouldn't want) and follow it through by not letting yourself get in a situation where you wouldn't feel comfortable and where reaching a point of acceptable stability might be harder (talking about BPD as an example).

Buuuut, just because someone has low self-esteem doesn't mean they'd accept attention and validation from anyone. Being someone's partner does makes you a immediate source of validation towards them but it doesn't mean it's interchangeable, it doesn't mean that their choice of partner is less valued than yours because you assume they'd be accepting anyone who gave them the time. That's quite a misconception and, may I say, a little hypocritical.

… I didn’t mean to suggest that everyone with a mental disorder or self-esteem problems has no standards and is incapable of forming a healthy relationship. But there will be a minority who are willing to accept a near complete lack of emotional engagement for the sake of having ‘someone’, whether due to a diagnosed condition, childhood trauma, or feelings of inadequacy that have snowballed with age (might apply to me as well, as you point out).

 

[DarkSelene]

… I didn’t mean to suggest that everyone with a mental disorder or self-esteem problems has no standards and is incapable of forming a healthy relationship. But there will be a minority who are willing to accept a near complete lack of emotional engagement for the sake of having ‘someone’, whether due to a diagnosed condition, childhood trauma, or feelings of inadequacy that have snowballed with age (might apply to me as well, as you point out).

Do you believe someone with a higher level (in healthy amounts) of self-esteem would make you feel more wanted? Do you believe they could lower the significance of your self-esteem issues for choosing to be with you? Would you doubt someone's reasons for wanting you around if you knew about their low self-esteem? I don't expect answers, only contemplation.

High self-esteem could easily turn into narcissism and make someone choose a partner for what they represent - as an image - rather than for any emotional attachment. Codependent relationships do come in all shapes and sizes, and in today's time it's very very difficult to find someone with no baggage, even those that don't have a lot of experience develop their own.

As I said before having standards and knowing what you want is not reprehensible, no one can truly hold it against you to feel more attracted and credit more meaning on the affection received from people with a certain disposition - just hope you haven't shot yourself on the foot by not trusting people based on your preconception of their mindset, but only you can know if you did or not.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.

That's very demeaning of you. Having a disorder does not make someone less of a person. Very, very nasty thing to not only say, but seemingly laugh at..

Nothing in her comment indicated mental disorders made someone into less of a person. If she chooses not to date an individual who's afflicted with one, then so be it. It can take a lot of patience and affect one's own well-being. I just don't understand why you want to be offended over someone having a specific set of preferences.

 

[ABrokenMan]

You're never gonna find a romantic relationship if you whine and complain on and on that you want one, that you deserve one, and you have enough female friends.

Let this sink in - there is NOT someone for everybody. Despite what you have heard, been taught, etc.
Many platitudes expressed are nothing more than observations of wishful thinking.

There are going to be people in life who never find a partner, short term, long term, 5 minutes.    I've met several who have never had a partner (I was in a support group for people who experience relationship issues).

So just out of interest how many of these people were women?

It's true, "there is someone for everyone" is a load of tosh. No individual owes another their affections either, but given that this is a near universal life experience, I don't think feeling bitter about never being given a chance necessarily points to some huge character floor in need of attention. Intelligent, likeable enough, mature people seem to miss out as well (not saying that's me, I have plenty of problems...)

There were about 30 people.  Can't recall precisely, but it was about 50-50 men and women.  Ages ranged from 20s to 60s, maybe a little older. The group met for about 8 weeks, it was part of my therapy. Not everyone stayed, a few people just up and left, one woman basically had her mind made up before participating and kinda shut herself off from what the rest of us were discussing with the therapist.

i find it amusing that there are those who trumpet the "someone for everyone" ideology.  If you never meet anyone  during your lifetime, then, how can it be true?  Failing to meet a partner, is that just an excuse to blame on the single person?  I really think it is beyond that, in the grand scheme of things.

 

[ABrokenMan]

I have a lot of sympathy for people who struggle with personality disorders such as Borderline, or Bipolar. Those who seek and continue treatment have my utmost respect. These men and women realize the havoc they can cause in regard to personal relationships. Then, there are some who do not want to change by accepting treatment for their disorders, and prefer to just go on their merry way. Get involved at your own peril.

i didn't know anything about either disorder one until I got involved with ladies who suffer from them. And it was nothing like I'd ever experienced. The highest of highs at the start, but once you reach the summit, the downfall can either be an unexpected, total bottom out emotionally, or a slow downhill roll that picks up speed until, at some point, you crash head-on. I've felt both outcomes. My ex's just moved on like nothing happened between us. That's part of dealing with the disorder for them.

i had no notion that either of my ex GFs had any sort of issues until feelings had been enmeshed after long periods of time (friendship first). With my recent exGF, I was given an option of trying to work things out when things went really bad. At the time I would have, but she flipped her switch maybe 6 hours after telling me she did not want to lose me ( reason - she had someone else ready to go). In my honest retrospection, I'm sure she would have made the same choice if I agreed to make it work. That's how I was raised, to help, to try and make things work when things are difficult. But a time does come when efforts are futile.

The whole relationship has changed me, maybe not for the better, but I personally cannot allow myself to get involved with a person who suffers from BPD. Nothing against them personally, but I just cannot take the chance and end up on a nightmarish roller coaster ride again. I continue to deal with my own issues, and therefore know ahead of time chances are extremely low that I could ever mesh with another BPD person.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

You're never gonna find a romantic relationship if you whine and complain on and on that you want one, that you deserve one, and you have enough female friends.

Let this sink in - there is NOT someone for everybody. Despite what you have heard, been taught, etc.
Many platitudes expressed are nothing more than observations of wishful thinking.

There are going to be people in life who never find a partner, short term, long term, 5 minutes.    I've met several who have never had a partner (I was in a support group for people who experience relationship issues). The group helped a little, but the only way to start to help myself was CHANGING MY WAY OF THINKING.  This is why I firmly believe you "never kissed a girl" class of guys on A.L.L. would become totally destroyed if you find yourself in a relationship for a week, month, year and the girl either does something to ruin it, or decides to end it on her own terms, leaving you hanging. for some, never having loved at all is a far better fate to have loved and lost.  Just reading these threads sorta illustrates this point.

Nobody owes anyone a relationship.  This is how your posts come across when I read them, that you somehow deserve to be in one.  You've gotta ditch that attitude, *dude* and do something positive. Maybe just forget about it? Change your job?  Move?  If a relationship is that important to you, changes need to be made, without excuses.

A lot of guys on ALL are the same.  I, too fell into the perpetual feel sorry for myself, the angry "Why not me? I'm a good guy" belief. But all of that gets you and me nowhere.  No girl / woman is gonna fall into your lap, or spot you from afar with sights set on you.

I'm still looking but I also know that my options are limited. So there are no expectations.  I have some female friends, most are of recent connections.  Many times, they are a lot more fun to hang out with than guys, whether or not they kiss you. And, if she becomes a good friend, she will tell you honestly what you can do to improve your potential  for finding a relationship.

@ BrokenMan, pardon me, I forgot all about this thread of mine.

Yeah, well, I have done online dating, and while most of the girls either didn't want to continue on, or I was not interested in them, I still send text messages to two of them. One of them is the girl who copped out and texted me that she was sick during the last week of December. The other girl, not really attractive, and she is going to go back to graduate school next year, so no romantic relationship that I can think with her.

No, I didn't say I was owed a relationship. But with all the BS crap that I have to face when doing online dating, and even talking to girls in real life and get rejected because of my racial background, really pisses me off. It's unfair, and that's the reason why I'm venting online. However, I'm doing some effort right now to go to the gym almost every day when I'm not working my shifts, and meeting up with some of my female friends.

Yes, you're right. I met with one of my female friends last week before she moved back to Korea. I asked her about dating, and tips on how I can improve myself. She gave me some tips on communication.

You also stated earlier that there are people in life who will never find a partner.  I have to disagree with you. I think that I CAN find somebody to by my girlfriend, and I WILL!
It's just that it may take some time and effort to find the right one. It may be this year, or next year, I know I WILL find somebody. I have confidence, and I'm a very very ambitious person. I don't like to lay down and give up. No, that's not my style. If that doesn't work out, I'm going to move out of the US, and find work as a traveling contractor in places like Singapore, Philippines, Korea, Japan, and I WILL make huge efforts to find my future wife.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

You are in your 30s and single.  That says alot right there.  Not necessarily negative things either.  See many people find someone in their 20s without ever looking.  For those of us who made it into our 30s without finding someone it means there is something girls do not like about you thats keeping them away.   You mentioned you are half Korean / half Japanese.  I can completely sympathize with you that this is probably a big part of your problem.  I am half black / half Greek.  I live in a 95% white area.  I look like Abhishek Bachchan.  All the girls who ever showed interest in me where from out of state, from a big city, where seeing people who looked like me was a normal part of life.

Im not saying the way we look like is 100% the reason why we are single, Im just saying it does play a big part in it.  Things are going to be tougher for me and you.  We have to understand that and accept it.  You seem to be upset that finding a long term relationship seems easier for others, but difficult for you.  This is true.  It is more difficult for us.  But try and not let this frustrate you.  Seeing that you are mixed like me makes things worse, because people like to group and generalize others, and when you have people like me and you who dont look like a particular race, it just turns alot of people off because they dont know what to make of us.

Also, you want a long term relationship and marriage.  Do these girls that you go out on dates with feel the same way?  Do they know beforehand thats what you want?  Maybe most of them just want some fun, and arent as intent on settling down as you are.  Maybe you you can make this more clear in your profile, perhaps?  I dont have all the details, Im just trying to help.

@ Michael2, thanks for your feedback.

Yes, I'm in my mid 30s, still single, and it gets depressing and sad at times when I'm home.

It's worse for me because I moved away from home, away from parents, and my former friends at home. This was for a job opportunity that was too good to pass up. A former colleague of mine also was a great reference for me for this job, so I moved ASAP.

It's a different culture out here.

It's funny though. Back home, I did online dating in the past. I don't know, maybe it's the salt water or the island mentality, but I got only ONE freaking response when doing online dating.

I moved to my current area, and while I'm facing a current drought of responses from women that I have sent messages to, I had a decent (but not too great) number of responses from women, which surprisingly led to exchanging our phone numbers, and then a face-to-face meet up for coffee or dinner. I no longer talk to the majority of girls because they have ghosted off, or I was not interested in them, and they realized this, so we slowly detached ourselves. However, i still meet up with one girl where we do downtown tour activities together. Another girl, the one whom texted me that she was sick, well......I don't think she's interested in me, but I still pester her with text messages and Messenger facebook texts! LOL!

Well, I guess I will keep trying. But at the same time, a friend that I have met online for dating, recently asked me if I could marry her this year! Wow, that caught me off guard, because I told her that American culture is that people date for a while first, and them propose for marriage.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

I find everyone wants either quick and easy or automated dating now... you know, exactly how you shouldn't approach meeting new people and how you form relationships.

They're not even worth your time now.