Physical Contact

[Cucuboth]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

 

[monkeysocks]

Don't give up if that is not the life you desire.

Make use of every opportunity available to meet people, Virtually online and off line.

People find love at all ages, even far, far older than you are. The only way that you would have no possibility of it happening is if you tell yourself it won't ever happen.

If you close your mind to the fact, then you won't pursue the opportunities to find it.

Lack of self esteem can be rebuilt.

Men do need emotional support and physical affection. You will find so via some of the posts made on this forum.

 

[perfanoff]

Yes, physical contact is very important.
You know what to do Cucu. Simultaneously:
-work very hard on making yourself more attractive in all ways possible
-try to make physical contact with female friends.. if they don't reciprocate, find others who will..

 

[duff]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

you might enjoy 'paying' for it.

I first paid for it when I was 29 years of age. It changed me somehow. I got more confident, more self assured. Everything become easier; talking to people, talking to women, coping with life. It didn't get me more dates but inside I feel different. I can pin point that moment in my life when things started to improve. I soon got a job and I wasn't the disaster I used to be. I progressed, I wasn't the shy fool I used to be. People didn't mock me as much.

That was 15 years ago and I still do it. A few times a year, it's never got out of hand finanically. 99% of the time I have a great time. I don't feel low after or think 'what am I doing ?' - I enjoy it, it's fun !

 

[Iceman1978]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

I'm in the same boat with you. I will never know the embrace of a woman.

Called ugly? Repulsive? Yes, I've had that happen many times. I'm in good shape physically, not overweight, I dress well, know how to carry on a conversation, drive a nice car, etc. and I still get called ugly.

I know exactly what you're feeling.

 

[Walley]

you know what i think?
its not about making yourself attractive, dressing right or doing and saying the right things..
i never tried at that. i'm the kind of guy who doesnt wear desgner crap. i get a haircut when it starts to bother me or other people start telling me too lol. i'm a dirty tradesman. but it never stopped me attracting women.

i honestly feel that the key to finding someone that loves you for who you are is, to love yourself for who you are first.
i know it sounds cliche, but think about it. it's true. attitude is everything. it's not something you put on or wear like a nice suit. it's not something you practice.
it's something you are that you don't even try to hold inside.
the times that i have felt most attractive to women was when i was NOT on the hunt. not in the front on my mind and usualy while i was concentrating on another task at hand. usualy humor catches their attention, or something witty. whatever it is.. if you come off like a nice person they can relate to and they can get a good idea of what kind a guy you really are by observing you for a short time then you have a great chance. and eventually the girl that smells what you're cooking will come along.
she wont be able to find you if you are not being yourself, or holding everything back. or taking yourself out of the game completely in your own mind by residing yourself to the fact that you will NEVER find someone.
that is a black and white absolute and the world doesnt really work in absolutes no matter what your state of mind wants to tell you.

 

[Iceman1978]

Walley, I've tried that, being myself. Believe me, I've tried everything.

 

[Walley]

there is no try. there is only do or do not.
keep doing and try to love yourself and eventually it catches on..

 

[Iceman1978]

It's been nearly 15 years. There has not been one instance where women have reacted positively to me.

 

[monkeysocks]

Lack of self esteem -

Its as much about getting out there in situations which present ourselves as available.

Have you tried a dating agency, lonely hearts ad, dating site, speed dating.

If lack of confidence is stopping attempts at these then work on that first. Its not all about looks, a woman can fall for a guy over his charm, charisma, sense of humour or just by engaging conversations, many things.

Work on your strengths the rest will follow. The past does not predict the future. unfortunately if you allow fear of the same to engulf you, your confidence will dwindle. So don't let it.

 

[Limlim]

there is no try. there is only do or do not.
keep doing and try to love yourself and eventually it catches on..

Did you seriously just quote yoda?

 

[Sci-Fi]

I have a friend from work who likes to hug. It was weird for me at first because I'm not used to that, my family isn't big on hugging. I never realized how nice it is. Being off work right now and being back home where there is no physical contact I miss it. So I get where you are coming from, it is very important to have physical contact with people.

 

[Cucuboth]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

I'm in the same boat with you. I will never know the embrace of a woman.

Called ugly? Repulsive? Yes, I've had that happen many times. I'm in good shape physically, not overweight, I dress well, know how to carry on a conversation, drive a nice car, etc. and I still get called ugly.

I know exactly what you're feeling.

Although I am overweight now, for most of my teenage and early adult life I was quite thin. Considered underweight actually. But I was quite fit. Did a lot of swimming, tennis, cycling, and hiking back then. But I was still called ugly. Sometimes I would get told to put own some weight ... and then when I did, and it started to show, I got called fat. It just feels like there's no winning ....

---

you know what i think?
its not about making yourself attractive, dressing right or doing and saying the right things..
i never tried at that. i'm the kind of guy who doesnt wear desgner crap. i get a haircut when it starts to bother me or other people start telling me too lol. i'm a dirty tradesman. but it never stopped me attracting women.

i honestly feel that the key to finding someone that loves you for who you are is, to love yourself for who you are first.
i know it sounds cliche, but think about it. it's true. attitude is everything. it's not something you put on or wear like a nice suit. it's not something you practice.
it's something you are that you don't even try to hold inside.
the times that i have felt most attractive to women was when i was NOT on the hunt. not in the front on my mind and usualy while i was concentrating on another task at hand. usualy humor catches their attention, or something witty. whatever it is.. if you come off like a nice person they can relate to and they can get a good idea of what kind a guy you really are by observing you for a short time then you have a great chance. and eventually the girl that smells what you're cooking will come along.
she wont be able to find you if you are not being yourself, or holding everything back. or taking yourself out of the game completely in your own mind by residing yourself to the fact that you will NEVER find someone.
that is a black and white absolute and the world doesnt really work in absolutes no matter what your state of mind wants to tell you.

The only person who can know, and who should judge. If we love ourselves is ... well ... us. Nobody else can know, and nobody else should judge wether we do or don't.

I think that we're still here, and still trying, is quite simple evidence that we love ourselves. Because giving up would be a much, much easier option (and still very tempting at times) and would save a lot of years of frustration and pain.

---

Yes, physical contact is very important.
You know what to do Cucu. Simultaneously:
-work very hard on making yourself more attractive in all ways possible
-try to make physical contact with female friends.. if they don't reciprocate, find others who will..

Don't have any female friends. Or any male friends for that matter, who may have female friends, or who I could go out and meet some with ...

Been trying to find some who will reciprocate for over 20 years.

 

[Walley]

there is no try. there is only do or do not.
keep doing and try to love yourself and eventually it catches on..

Did you seriously just quote yoda?

i say yoda may have quoted me
but it still fits! and it's the truth.

 

[bulmabriefs144]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

Go to church. Even if you're not religious, you can hug people and shake hands. Kinda a silly reason to go to church, but so is thinking you're going to heaven when you're crappy to people the other six days.

Also, find somewhere nearby and walk to it regularly, to try to get yourself back in shape.

And yea, the masculine ideal is so screwed up. I was never called ugly, but my family pressured me to gain weight. I wisely didn't. This is the weight my body is, eating food normally. The fact that some health "experts" have arbitrarily decided twenty pounds heavier is the right body weight (it isn't, I've maintained the same weight for almost 10 years, while people 20 lb heavier have difficulty staying fit) has nothing to do with me. If you want muscles, come by them naturally, through hard work.

And realize that people who call you ugly, are ugly inside, and not worth your time.

 

[perfanoff]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

I'm in the same boat with you. I will never know the embrace of a woman.

Called ugly? Repulsive? Yes, I've had that happen many times. I'm in good shape physically, not overweight, I dress well, know how to carry on a conversation, drive a nice car, etc. and I still get called ugly.

I know exactly what you're feeling.

Although I am overweight now, for most of my teenage and early adult life I was quite thin. Considered underweight actually. But I was quite fit. Did a lot of swimming, tennis, cycling, and hiking back then. But I was still called ugly. Sometimes I would get told to put own some weight ... and then when I did, and it started to show, I got called fat. It just feels like there's no winning ....

---

you know what i think?
its not about making yourself attractive, dressing right or doing and saying the right things..
i never tried at that. i'm the kind of guy who doesnt wear desgner crap. i get a haircut when it starts to bother me or other people start telling me too lol. i'm a dirty tradesman. but it never stopped me attracting women.

i honestly feel that the key to finding someone that loves you for who you are is, to love yourself for who you are first.
i know it sounds cliche, but think about it. it's true. attitude is everything. it's not something you put on or wear like a nice suit. it's not something you practice.
it's something you are that you don't even try to hold inside.
the times that i have felt most attractive to women was when i was NOT on the hunt. not in the front on my mind and usualy while i was concentrating on another task at hand. usualy humor catches their attention, or something witty. whatever it is.. if you come off like a nice person they can relate to and they can get a good idea of what kind a guy you really are by observing you for a short time then you have a great chance. and eventually the girl that smells what you're cooking will come along.
she wont be able to find you if you are not being yourself, or holding everything back. or taking yourself out of the game completely in your own mind by residing yourself to the fact that you will NEVER find someone.
that is a black and white absolute and the world doesnt really work in absolutes no matter what your state of mind wants to tell you.

The only person who can know, and who should judge. If we love ourselves is ... well ... us. Nobody else can know, and nobody else should judge wether we do or don't.

I think that we're still here, and still trying, is quite simple evidence that we love ourselves. Because giving up would be a much, much easier option (and still very tempting at times) and would save a lot of years of frustration and pain.

---

Yes, physical contact is very important.
You know what to do Cucu. Simultaneously:
-work very hard on making yourself more attractive in all ways possible
-try to make physical contact with female friends.. if they don't reciprocate, find others who will..

Don't have any female friends. Or any male friends for that matter, who may have female friends, or who I could go out and meet some with ...

Been trying to find some who will reciprocate for over 20 years.

---

---

Maybe then, start getting interested in women's interests and their style of thinking. The vast majority of girls don't really feel like getting into your (a guy's) world of thinking unless you're very attractive.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hugs are surprisingly powerful, I think. It sounds a bit silly, I know, especially since we trivialise them so much in modern society. But I really think they are. They communicate a lot of emotional information you perhaps can't do in a standard conversation.

A friend treated me poorly recently, I had no idea how to forgive her and things were awkward. I felt used and just didn't want to talk to her.

Then she apologised and followed up with two really heartfelt hugs that kind of dispelled all the animosity I had stored up. I knew at that moment that she really was sorry and I had no desire to be angry with her about it. I just wanted us to get on again.

Similarly, I was at a party about a year and a half ago when I just felt really low. The people I was with were kind of my friends, but I just didn't feel like I "fit in" for some reason. For a long time I'd felt very lonely.

When I went to leave, a whole bunch of people suddenly gave me goodbye hugs out of the blue, even "bro-hugs" from a few guys. Weirdly, I just suddenly felt so much happier, like they all really did care about me after all.

To the OP: if you're not receiving hugs, perhaps step up giving them? I don't mean be "creepy" about it, but if you're getting on well with a friend just give them a gentle pat on the arm when you're parting or something. Similarly, if a girl you know is clearly a bit down for some reason, just offer a gentle hug. There's nothing wrong with that and people are usually quite appreciative of the sentiment.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I love hugs more than anything.

 

[duff]

I have a friend from work who likes to hug. It was weird for me at first because I'm not used to that, my family isn't big on hugging. I never realized how nice it is. Being off work right now and being back home where there is no physical contact I miss it. So I get where you are coming from, it is very important to have physical contact with people.

some of the women from work hug at xmas. It's nice. Get a peck on the cheek as well from some. It's almost worth working xmas eve for that reason

 

[Cucuboth]

I feel that biggest weight holding my self-esteem down is the lack of physical contact. I'm 36, and can't even remember what a hug feels like, let alone a cuddle. Haven't had my first kiss. It makes me feel as though I'm always kept at a distance. And of course, I've been called ugly, disgusting, and repulsive many times, even when I was young, and thin and fit. I come from a family that doesn't like to show affection, especially for males. Men are supposed to be strong, and not need any emotional support or physical affection. I've even had therapists tell me that physical contact is quite important to self-esteem, but, unless I pay for it, I won't get it. Yet paying for it just makes me feel even more rejected.

I really don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm expected to just give up, and accept that I'll never experience touch. But that's not a life to me ....

I'm in the same boat with you. I will never know the embrace of a woman.

Called ugly? Repulsive? Yes, I've had that happen many times. I'm in good shape physically, not overweight, I dress well, know how to carry on a conversation, drive a nice car, etc. and I still get called ugly.

I know exactly what you're feeling.

Although I am overweight now, for most of my teenage and early adult life I was quite thin. Considered underweight actually. But I was quite fit. Did a lot of swimming, tennis, cycling, and hiking back then. But I was still called ugly. Sometimes I would get told to put own some weight ... and then when I did, and it started to show, I got called fat. It just feels like there's no winning ....

---

you know what i think?
its not about making yourself attractive, dressing right or doing and saying the right things..
i never tried at that. i'm the kind of guy who doesnt wear desgner crap. i get a haircut when it starts to bother me or other people start telling me too lol. i'm a dirty tradesman. but it never stopped me attracting women.

i honestly feel that the key to finding someone that loves you for who you are is, to love yourself for who you are first.
i know it sounds cliche, but think about it. it's true. attitude is everything. it's not something you put on or wear like a nice suit. it's not something you practice.
it's something you are that you don't even try to hold inside.
the times that i have felt most attractive to women was when i was NOT on the hunt. not in the front on my mind and usualy while i was concentrating on another task at hand. usualy humor catches their attention, or something witty. whatever it is.. if you come off like a nice person they can relate to and they can get a good idea of what kind a guy you really are by observing you for a short time then you have a great chance. and eventually the girl that smells what you're cooking will come along.
she wont be able to find you if you are not being yourself, or holding everything back. or taking yourself out of the game completely in your own mind by residing yourself to the fact that you will NEVER find someone.
that is a black and white absolute and the world doesnt really work in absolutes no matter what your state of mind wants to tell you.

The only person who can know, and who should judge. If we love ourselves is ... well ... us. Nobody else can know, and nobody else should judge wether we do or don't.

I think that we're still here, and still trying, is quite simple evidence that we love ourselves. Because giving up would be a much, much easier option (and still very tempting at times) and would save a lot of years of frustration and pain.

---

Yes, physical contact is very important.
You know what to do Cucu. Simultaneously:
-work very hard on making yourself more attractive in all ways possible
-try to make physical contact with female friends.. if they don't reciprocate, find others who will..

Don't have any female friends. Or any male friends for that matter, who may have female friends, or who I could go out and meet some with ...

Been trying to find some who will reciprocate for over 20 years.

---

---

Maybe then, start getting interested in women's interests and their style of thinking. The vast majority of girls don't really feel like getting into your (a guy's) world of thinking unless you're very attractive.

---

---

I've always been told that I have more .. feminine interests. History and historical movies and TV shows (such as Downton Abbey), art, writing and poetry .. used to write short stories and poetry, crafts. I've always been told that I'm too emotional for a male, and that sticks out even more coming from a family where males aren't supposed to 'do' emotions. I probably fit in even less with males than I do with women. I just don't belong anywhere ....