I'm still trying to figure out why I pursue certain guys, lk narcissists for ex. Part of learning I guess.
I am from a very poor and very dysfunctional family.
So it's shaped my development accordingly.
I've always done dangerous, hard labor types of jobs.
Which helped me develop critical thinking skills further than I'd thought possible.
The result is that I have mostly cognitive and logical thoughts, or emotionlessly weightless thoughts.
There are pros and cons to that.
The massive benefit is that it makes me highly functionally fluid and efficient.
I can move incredibly fast and accurately through both decisions and actions and even organize them in time management.
But also I struggle socializing and connecting, because I'm no longer used to having something that I value to care about losing on an emotional level beyond that of platonic friendships who often come and go throughout life.
The other con to that is that it's very easy to become untethered that way, and spiral out into clinical depression, or the lack of feeling anything at all for potentially up to several months. It's not the same as being sad, being sad is a feeling, I mean absolutely nothing, no emotional connectivity to the world around me. With no known certainty as to when that will lift and I'll feel something, anything, again. That can get bad, very bad, quickly, because the human mind isn't really supposed to be able to maintain that kind of a state for a long time. Like I start hallucinating and ****.
Conclusively that's why I stopped dating.
I'm not mentally stable enough for the challenges of it.