Questions for the Men

[Joturbo]

Hey guys,

Have you ever been attracted to a woman but was too intimidated by her to pursue her? What were you intimidated by?

It's the fear of being judged once they realize you see them in a romantic way.

Agree with MisterLonely, I'd be hard not to be intimidated by the disparity in experience and social life as well.

Hi Ardour.....If it's ok to ask has there been a lady in your life that you were attracted to and intimidated by ...what was she like and how did it play out?

 

[ardour]

Hey guys,

Have you ever been attracted to a woman but was too intimidated by her to pursue her? What were you intimidated by?

It's the fear of being judged once they realize you see them in a romantic way.

Agree with MisterLonely, I'd be hard not to be intimidated by the disparity in experience and social life as well.

Hi Ardour.....If it's ok to ask has there been a lady in your life that you were attracted to and intimidated by ...what was she like and how did it play out?

Er... Several, they were usually friends or people I knew. They either stopped being friendly or avoided me completely  as soon as I asked them out. Almost 39 now and never really had a date, so this is all I've got to look back on. I guess the most depressing thing about it it is the implied judgement that I was only being friendly/nice as a manipulative thing.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

 

[MisterLonely]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I think X's point is not about the female's financial status but more about the male's, even just looking around on tinder I see that a lot of women do value financial security, I'm not saying gold diggers, but just a normal job that pays the bills is a requirement.

 

[Amelia]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I think X's point is not about the female's financial status but more about the male's, even just looking around on tinder I see that a lot of women do value financial security, I'm not saying gold diggers, but just a normal job that pays the bills is a requirement.

I admit this is something I look for in a guy too. He doesn't have to be rich, but with my salary and financial responsibilities, I couldnt support someone 
else. Even if our combined income wouldn't be enough to raise children, the guy would need to at least be able to pay his own bills. I guess this is something guys would expect of women too? For us to be able to support ourselves?

 

[ardour]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I think X's point is not about the female's financial status but more about the male's, even just looking around on tinder I see that a lot of women do value financial security, I'm not saying gold diggers, but just a normal job that pays the bills is a requirement.

I admit this is something I look for in a guy too. He doesn't have to be rich, but with my salary and financial responsibilities, I couldnt support someone 
else. Even if our combined income wouldn't be enough to raise children, the guy would need to at least be able to pay his own bills. I guess this is something guys would expect of women too? For us to be able to support ourselves?

Fair enough.

 What if he earned enough to support himself, but less than you?

 

[Xpendable]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I don't want to be supported but I've observed that an overachieving woman is hard to satisfy in this aspect. A woman can date a man who is not as successful, but over time, she inevitably expects him to catch up.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Reciprocation takes many forms.

 

[Xpendable]

Reciprocation takes many forms.

Which can't all be equivalent.

 

[Amelia]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I think X's point is not about the female's financial status but more about the male's, even just looking around on tinder I see that a lot of women do value financial security, I'm not saying gold diggers, but just a normal job that pays the bills is a requirement.

I admit this is something I look for in a guy too. He doesn't have to be rich, but with my salary and financial responsibilities, I couldnt support someone 
else. Even if our combined income wouldn't be enough to raise children, the guy would need to at least be able to pay his own bills. I guess this is something guys would expect of women too? For us to be able to support ourselves?

Fair enough.

 What if he earned to support himself, but less than you?

Totally fine by me. But in my experience, guys I've met eventually have a problem with it. They feel inadequate even though it is no problem for me.

 

[MisterLonely]

Personally I'd expect a woman to be independent as well, being able to support oneself says something about the qualities of that person, about the type of person you're dealing with, like Amelia said; doesn't have to be rich, but able to pay their own bills. However there is/are cases where this does not have to apply, when someone is going to school fulltime, or looking for work but currently unemployed.

I have seen multiple relationships where the guy works and the woman doesn't, my old neighbors were like that, I've seen none the other way around, not to say they don't exist but they are at least less frequent.

So I would say that financial status/independence is of less importance for a women in the dating scene.

 

[user 139760]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I don't want to be supported but I've observed that an overachieving woman is hard to satisfy in this aspect. A woman can date a man who is not as successful, but over time, she inevitably expects him to catch up.

Funny how often I've seen that. I mean, I don't like it, like I don't like any blanket statements of "men are" or "women are" because I think they're based on stereotype, but that doesn't make this any less true. It's probably an ingrained or sociologically passed on message from youth me thinks, kind of like "girls play with dolls" or "boys play with trucks", but I've very often heard some women talking about their boyfriends in the sense of "oh, he's going back to school, he'll make a lot more than me in a year or so" as if it's supposed to have any kind of importance to anyone. But it seems to have with a lot of women, whereas, ironically, a lot of men the opposite is important, that SHE make less than he does, as if it would somehow lessen his worth as a man.

Honestly never got that, pretty much because I don't really care all that much about money or social status to begin with, but I think indeed a great many people do and there's a lot of truth in that. In a socioloy context, I think it's very telling of the way we are taught to view life, or interpersonal relationships. When all is said and done, financial status IS important in the world. Which, you know, if everything was right, it wouldn't be.

I'm real open to becoming a housewife myself right now after almost 40 years of crap, so if there's any volunteer ladies out there, I'm down with that lol. I'll cook and clean, even wear a **** apron with flowers and frufrus

You know, another thing as well, from years of working in an environment composed almost exclusively of women, what you'd consider "successful" ones at that, one thing that bothers the HELL out of me is how they seem to have no lives besides of their boyfriends/husbands, as if they weren't interesting enough. Or maybe it's a desire to show them off? Regardless, one of the phrases I hear that bothers me the most, when I ask someone a question about something, is the phrase that starts with "Oh yeah, but my boyfriend thinks..."...........I'm asking you, I don't even know the guy. I always found that **** peculiar.

 

[kamya]

Financial status is a big one; more than anything else.

Money seems to be big with you.  Do you want someone who can support themselves financially or someone who could support you?  Maybe somewhere in between?

I don't want to be supported but I've observed that an overachieving woman is hard to satisfy in this aspect. A woman can date a man who is not as successful, but over time, she inevitably expects him to catch up.

Funny how often I've seen that. I mean, I don't like it, like I don't like any blanket statements of "men are" or "women are" because I think they're based on stereotype, but that doesn't make this any less true. It's probably an ingrained or sociologically passed on message from youth me thinks, kind of like "girls play with dolls" or "boys play with trucks", but I've very often heard some women talking about their boyfriends in the sense of "oh, he's going back to school, he'll make a lot more than me in a year or so" as if it's supposed to have any kind of importance to anyone. But it seems to have with a lot of women, whereas, ironically, a lot of men the opposite is important, that SHE make less than he does, as if it would somehow lessen his worth as a man.

Honestly never got that, pretty much because I don't really care all that much about money or social status to begin with, but I think indeed a great many people do and there's a lot of truth in that. In a socioloy context, I think it's very telling of the way we are taught to view life, or interpersonal relationships. When all is said and done, financial status IS important in the world. Which, you know, if everything was right, it wouldn't be.

I'm real open to becoming a housewife myself right now after almost 40 years of crap, so if there's any volunteer ladies out there, I'm down with that lol. I'll cook and clean, even wear a **** apron with flowers and frufrus

You know, another thing as well, from years of working in an environment composed almost exclusively of women, what you'd consider "successful" ones at that, one thing that bothers the HELL out of me is how they seem to have no lives besides of their boyfriends/husbands, as if they weren't interesting enough. Or maybe it's a desire to show them off? Regardless, one of the phrases I hear that bothers me the most, when I ask someone a question about something, is the phrase that starts with "Oh yeah, but my boyfriend thinks..."...........I'm asking you, I don't even know the guy. I always found that **** peculiar.

They like to constantly bring up their boyfriend when they are talking to a guy they aren't attracted to. They were reminding you just so you dont get any strange ideas. =p

These posts remind me of a conversation I had with one of my good friend's girlfriend. I was asking her how they met and how things developed. She kept bringing up other guys that she'd been dating before she met my friend. One guy in particular. She kept talking about how much of a dick he was but over and over I kept hearing the phrase "But he was a pharmacist so like he made a lot of money". 

It's kind of hard to ignore the truth when they throw it out right in front of you like that. I don't even think she was aware enough of what she was saying to understand how it made her look. 

This is a girl that has no car. Needs to be driven around everywhere. Is struggling financially. 

I just thought if was a bit funny she would reveal all of that to one of her boyfriend's best friends.

 

[user 139760]

They like to constantly bring up their boyfriend when they are talking to a guy they aren't attracted to. They were reminding you just so you dont get any strange ideas. =p

These posts remind me of a conversation I had with one of my good friend's girlfriend. I was asking her how they met and how things developed. She kept bringing up other guys that she'd been dating before she met my friend. One guy in particular. She kept talking about how much of a dick he was but over and over I kept hearing the phrase "But he was a pharmacist so like he made a lot of money". 

It's kind of hard to ignore the truth when they throw it out right in front of you like that. I don't even think she was aware enough of what she was saying to understand how it made her look. 

This is a girl that has no car. Needs to be driven around everywhere. Is struggling financially. 

I just thought if was a bit funny she would reveal all of that to one of her boyfriend's best friends.

Is it? I personally never thought so, I actually figured insecurity or somesuch comes into play. As if they don't feel value enough in their own lives and existence, those types of girls, that they need to valorize themselves by talking about their boyfriends' lives, accomplishments and opinions. By contrast, a long time friend I've had for ages, barely, if ever, mentions her husband when we have conversations. She talks about her own opinions and ideas, which is kind of the point. It's not even when I'm talking to them, I'm sitting at my desk listening to convos two girls have with each others and it feels like "the battle of the boyfriends". "My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that" and "Oh, but mine did this"....I mean come on, do you have lives of your own? lol.
Anyway, it always struck me as damned peculiar and probably a trace of insercurity. I didn't know it was so rampant, however.

I had a convo similar to yours with a girl that said more or less the same thing. I don't think she realized it either. However, it's one of the few conversations I had about money with a girl (besides one of my exs, whom I remain convinced to this day was a nutjob and I should've known better), so either I was very lucky or it's not as rampant as one can suspect. Or it has something to do with location, or culture, or somesuch. I have trouble thinking men or women have ingrained behavior stricltly tied down to biology, as much as sociological or cultural influence.

But those are the kind of girls I steer away from lol.

 

[DarkSelene]

I think it's silly to not be at least a little bit practical, maybe it's not good to say it but any relationship comes down to an exchange and you're looking for what will improve your life. Guys should pay as much attention on the gold digging natures of their partners as a woman should notice if their partners is a lazy bum and how that'll affect their lives if they're in it for the long haul. Of course it's always good to have a little bit of balance where no one feels entitled to their partners money and no one feels like they're the only ones struggling... does that mean everyone should bring home the bacon? I'm not so sure... I mean, if you're looking for a bougie lifestyle but you don't want to work and your partner gets minimum wage, that's pretty selfish. If they have kids and want to cut down costs like nanny/daycare, I don't see why it'd be bad to have a housewife/househusband(?)
But I can totally be judged on this because I'm super lazy and would love to spend life baking stuff and watching Netflix.

Still, I think that people value different things and if you're providing what your partner seems to need the most, they're the only ones that could say if they're feeling ripped off. 
p.s.: If the thing you value the most on your partner is money... that seems to me like a bad sign.

 

[kaetic]

I'm real open to becoming a housewife myself right now after almost 40 years of crap, so if there's any volunteer ladies out there, I'm down with that lol. I'll cook and clean, even wear a **** apron with flowers and frufrus

Hmm... How well do you cook? and I'll need to see a picture of this apron...

 

[user 139760]

I'm real open to becoming a housewife myself right now after almost 40 years of crap, so if there's any volunteer ladies out there, I'm down with that lol. I'll cook and clean, even wear a **** apron with flowers and frufrus

Hmm... How well do you cook? and I'll need to see a picture of this apron...

Well, I've been told I have an awesome talent, but rarely if ever do I get to use it, because it's boring as all HELL to cook when you're by yourself lol. My kids get to sample it a weekend out of two, though those **** little brats always end up alternating between either lasagna or shepherd's pie, because their mom can't cook to save her life ;-)

Ugh...a picture, really? Well, I'll probably look stupid. Then again...might be a plus for me

 

[TheSkaFish]

Honestly never got that, pretty much because I don't really care all that much about money or social status to begin with, but I think indeed a great many people do and there's a lot of truth in that. In a sociology context, I think it's very telling of the way we are taught to view life, or interpersonal relationships.

I'm somewhere in between.  I don't care about money in a showing off, "ha ha I'm better than you" way, I hate that.  But I do care about money in the sense that it makes a lot of sources of anger, frustration, stress, and all-around misery go away.  Same with social status.  If I had my way, I would completely disregard it.  I hate the "cool guys", have no desire to be one because I really do feel like they are bad people, and hate the idea that they decide all of the rest of us are defined by our place beneath them in the hierarchy.  But, as with money, the higher status you are, the better you are treated.  You're given more margin for error.  When you don't get something right, people are more likely to brush it off as a mistake instead of something inherent to who you are.  But when you're seen as low-status, people brush YOU off as the mistake, that failing, sucking, losing is in your DNA itself.  It's just more proof to them that you're inherently inferior.  It's this idea I've found out lately called "confirmation bias" which basically means that people tend to look for evidence that confirms what they already believe, and ignore evidence that goes against it.  I wish it didn't have to be this way.

When all is said and done, financial status IS important in the world. Which, you know, if everything was right, it wouldn't be.

I agree 100%.  I don't think laziness is the issue either, because productivity has increased sharply.  Wages meanwhile have been flat.  Basically we're being made to run in place faster, for nothing more than so those at the top can have even more crap and even more power to control and beat on the rest of us.  It's like a game where every time we score, it only gives points to the other team.  It frustrates me because I know the game is broken, but I haven't been able to think of a better way to live.  A lot of the "cures" that people suggest, like living in some kind of hippie commune without electricity, are just as bad as the "disease".  All I can think of is getting really good at something and/or starting your own business, but while I hope everyone can, I don't know if they can.    

You know, another thing as well, from years of working in an environment composed almost exclusively of women, what you'd consider "successful" ones at that, one thing that bothers the HELL out of me is how they seem to have no lives besides of their boyfriends/husbands, as if they weren't interesting enough. Or maybe it's a desire to show them off? Regardless, one of the phrases I hear that bothers me the most, when I ask someone a question about something, is the phrase that starts with "Oh yeah, but my boyfriend thinks..."...........I'm asking you, I don't even know the guy. I always found that **** peculiar.

That just made me think.  One thing I've noticed is that women who don't have a clear goal or life direction, just kinda tend to fall into relationships, and the relationship becomes their goal and direction.  Guys who don't have goals or life direction (or who have goals and a life direction that others don't understand or value), on the other hand, can't seem to do this without either of those things (unless of course they are a "cool guy", then you can do whatever you want because you get social status just for existing).  Women are allowed, and some would even say expected, to lose their individuality in a relationship (not what I believe, by the way - I'm just saying this is how society seems to think), but a guy must never ever even seem like there might be a chance he might concede on anything.  

Personally I can't understand why we have to have these power games and dichotomies of dominance and submission.  I'm not looking for a slave to dominate, and I don't want to be anyone's slave either.  But, like with the social status, most people seem to think it has to be this way.  I always thought this would go away after school, but was disappointed to find out that it is still very much going on.

 

[TheRealCallie]

 

[ardour]

Maybe it’s a cultural thing because I don’t feel like there's as much of an obsession with financial status over here. (Obviously it’s a factor)

What's critical imo is that a man have a very clear idea of who he is. This isn't really necessary for women.

So if you're creative, be creative. If on the other hand you're into  outdoor activities, whatever it is... project that. It increases the chances someone will find you appealing based on their own preconceived idea of an ideal boyfriend/partner.  Being a bland everyday type with vague interests isn’t helpful.

And of course the usual things associated with stereotypical masculinity helps, like being emotional self-contained, not needing the validation of others, etc.