Here are a lot of quotes of mine. Most of them I came up with many years ago around the time I graduated from college.
Life is like a poker game. We live with the cards life dealt us. Some people are born with a royal flush. Others are born with a toilet flush.
It used to not be as bad. Me, myself, and I all lived together. But unfortunately me and myself moved out and I was left all alone.
When life gives you lemons, you find out you are unfortunately allergic to lemons.
Too bad you can't get a life at Burger King. I hear you can get things your way there.
When life gives you lemons, sell them on e-bay.
Some people spend their time building a better mousetrap. I spend mine building a better mouse.
I spend a lot of my time coming up with things that I could have said in the past. I also sit around coming up with a lot of things to say to people in the future. My problem is nothing is ever said in the present.
Why do women shave their eyebrows and then paint them back on? They can't even paint them back on straight. Are they trying to be Van Gogh?
I found the woman of my dreams but she died in a nightmare.
I'm not a very social person so why do I have to pay social security?
People tell me to marry the right person. I tell them I can't even find the wrong person.
The pen is mightier than the sword, unless the person you are fighting has a sword.
I pray when I'm happy instead of when I'm sick because I know if I'm happy then something bad is about to happen.
To make your co-workers happy and to stay in the same job: Do lots of work. To make management happy and to move up in the company: Do absolutely no work. The less you do, the less likely you will mess up.
A dream is something you have so that your real life will seem more depressing.
Time flies, but what happens if it breaks it's wing.
I talk to myself all the time. The only problem is that I've quit listening to myself.
Most people have pictures of their wife/husband/significant other and/or pictures of their children on their desk at work. Maybe I should hang up pictures of my PC, my TV, my VCR, and my stereo instead.
It's actually better to have never loved than to have been in love before. That way you don't know what you are missing.
Time heals everything until you run out of time.
Life is a block of ice. It can be sculpted to be anything. The problem is my life was born in an oven and melted away.
There are a lot of "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes yet I never see a "Chicken Crossing" sign anywhere.
If hell freezes over, will it still be hot as hell?
I once had a nightmare in which I got a date. It scared the heck out of me.
Time never slows down. It only speeds up when you ask it to slow down.
If money did grow on trees. Someone would chop it down.
The goal of the weekend is to get to Monday.
When I want to go to work, I tap my feet 3 times and say, "There's no place like Hell."
Everytime I see 4X4 on a truck, I want to write "=16" beside it.
The best part about being alone is not having people around when you don't want them around. The worst part about being alone is not having people around when you want them around.
Imagine being on the basketball court during a game. It feels like the game has just started and you are just trying to warm-up by passing the ball around. Just when you feel ready to play, you look at the clock and it says there are 2 minutes left in the game and there is a substitute at the table to take your place. That's my life.
My life is a game of chutes and ladders.. without the ladders.
Most people have a fear of dying.. I'm stuck with the fear of living.
I was born on the wrong side of the bed.
I used to take myself seriously.. then I realized I'm never serious.
There is someone for everybody. My only problem is that the person for me died in a car wreck when she was 2 years old. Just my luck!
To be nice takes forever. To be mean is instantaneous. I don't have forever.
The day I get asked out on a date will be the day after I die.
I went hunting for a date yesterday. I ended up shooting myself in the foot and was put in the hospital.
I found the key to success... now if only I could find the key to the bank.
The man on the moon has a better chance of getting a date than I do.
Some people live a dream. I just dream I live.
To be or not to be, that is not the question, it's an incomplete sentence.
Life is like a box of chocolates and I only get those horrid coconut pieces.
Life is easy. All you have to do is avoid it.
Life and love are sports and I am a professional bench-warmer.
Go ahead, make my day...and while you're at it, make my bed too.
I don't have a few loose screws...just a lot of rusty ones.
I may not be playing with a full deck, but at least I have all wild cards.
They said I was a 4 star person.....out of a possible 400 stars.
If you first don't succeed, confuse em; if you still don't succeed, ignore em.
The best part of waking up, is going back to sleep.
If all else fails, give up.
Where there's a beginning, there's an end. Where there's an end, there's nothing.
I know life isn't fair, but why does every day end up overcast?
Who put the "goto" statement in my life? Now I don't know where I am at...
Life sure goes by fast...I can't even catch back up to it.
My computer has more of a life than I do.
I have a master's in Procrastination and BS. I have a doctorate in mind games.
I was going to own the copyrights to procrastination...but I never got around to filling out the papers.
When life is at it's worst, it will find a way to get even worse.
Alex, I'll take 'a hint' for 200.
If you can't stand the heat, you shouldn't have started the fire.
Some people want their cake and eat it too, my problem is that I don't like cake.
If you choose to lose, do you win?
If all else fails,
try again.
give up.
change the problem.
delete the hard drive.
change the grading scale.
you are ahead of your time.
take a vacation.
get someone else to figure it out.
copy it from someone else.
try something you forgot to do.
find the manual.
there was never a possible solution.
guess.
invade a country.
If you can't beat 'em,
join 'em.
kill 'em.
ignore 'em.
create a virus.
confuse 'em.
make it look like you win.
delete their hard drive.
make up something that sounds high-tech for a solution.
show them that 0=2.
At the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold. Everyone has a rainbow. My problem is that my rainbow is a complete circle: there is no end.