Releasing My Insecurities

[Paraiyar]

What is your point? No one is denying that randomness exists.

But you're denying that randomness acts in parallel with our efforts to path a line in our destiny.

Where did I do that?

"It just seems to me that letting that element of randomness weaken or destroy your resolve is the most pointless and self destructive thing you can do and it doesn't seem to have brought SkaFish what he wants out of life."

There's nothing in that quote that denies what you say I'm denying. I'm not saying that we can control randomness, I'm saying that SkaFish shouldn't let the fact he can't control it stop him from trying to get the best out of life which is what he seems to have done. I.e, he's given up trying because he thinks there is a good chance that nothing will come of it.

 

[Xpendable]

I'm saying that SkaFish shouldn't let the fact he can't control it stop him from trying to get the best out of life which is what he seems to have done. I.e, he's given up trying because he thinks there is a good chance that nothing will come of it.

Not giving up and trying makes a difference in the general chances?

 

[Paraiyar]

I'm saying that SkaFish shouldn't let the fact he can't control it stop him from trying to get the best out of life which is what he seems to have done. I.e, he's given up trying because he thinks there is a good chance that nothing will come of it.

Isn't there a good chance he won't?

Do you think that he shouldn't try even if that's the case?

 

[Paraiyar]

I'm saying that SkaFish shouldn't let the fact he can't control it stop him from trying to get the best out of life which is what he seems to have done. I.e, he's given up trying because he thinks there is a good chance that nothing will come of it.

Not giving up and trying makes a difference in the general chances?

Would the world be a different place if Churchill had accepted one of Hitler's peace offers?

 

[Paraiyar]

And to answer you more generally, yes I absolutely think it makes a difference. Better to have a 20% chance of getting what you want than a 0% chance.

 

[MisunderstoodVacancy]

Hey, I saw this thread and appreciate your candidness posting your personal story. It stood out to me as I can definitely relate quite a bit to the whole self esteem and feeling like a hopeless failure in terms of abilities, jobs, intelligence, personality, general life success. I have long had a very low self-esteem and a lot of built up self-hatred and I tend to just feel inadequate compared to everyone else around me and I'm not sure I'll ever suceed in this world. I also relate to that unfortunate mindset of giving up too easily believing I'm going to fail anyway and wish I could establish a bit more mental resilience. Over the past week I've had some days of really intense bouts of self-hatred, to the point where it's sometimes all I think about when I'm alone. Sometimes, even though I have friends now, it's hard to believe I really have anything to live for.

Sometimes it just seems like there are so many things wrong with me that even if I improved one thing I'd still be way too far away from being a good person. But I know I can't just be complacent and hate myself more and more forever, I know I need to start moving forward. And it's equally important to be patient with oneself during the process and realize Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think it was very eye-opening to post these introspective reflections on past experiences. Unlike you I don't think I was ever actively bullied but I was also kind of an outcast and wasn't able to make any real friends until midway through college, which is probably what caused me to spend most of my teen years depressed and thinking I wasn't good enough. And I don't know, maybe those experiences when you're young can sometimes stay with you more than you think, but I'm not entirely sure it's that. But I do know I'm so used to that mindset it's hard to think differently. I think the thing is just really needing a chance to break the cycle of believing I'll never do anything right, but it's hard when there's little positive reinforcement to believe that I'm not all the bad things I think about myself.

I think building positive momentum and setting small goals could be good for us. I know I would like to find a skill I feel confident enough to teach myself or something I can develop a more structured plan for that would bring me closer to a desired career path despite having little relevant experience. I used to pride myself on being good at writing but I keep feeling like my brain's too broken to write or to even express myself or my aims particularly well. I think writing more would be good for me though.

So I guess the challenge is learning to view yourself and your abilities in a more positive way.

The one thing I noticed is when you mentioned you'd view yourself as a failure for working a bad job. I think it is very healthy to want more for yourself but it's also not good to tie too much of yourself or who you are as a person to what kind of job you do. It's just one aspect of who you are as a human. That said, I hope you are able to find something that is a good fit for you and helps you gain confidence, it really sucks out there and it's hard to break into fields and demonstrate your worth. Also, although it might not mean much, I hope you are able to develop greater confidence in your skills and abilities. I think sometimes it's not so much that we don't have them but that it takes a lot of soul searching effort to come to an understanding of how to bring them out.

I'm kind of of the idealistic notion that every human (besides me) has intrinsic value and something unique and special to contribute to the world. And I'd like to believe that through cultivating more positive thoughts and habits our lives can develop a more meaningful impact on those around us and that we don't have to be held back forever by past selves or self-limiting beliefs. I think I'd be more apt to achieve my goals by maintaining a more positive mindset like that than by constantly beating myself up like I'm used to.

I'm sorry, I need to stop, it is late. All the best!

 

[TheSkaFish]

My two cents, from the original post: I think one of the most lasting and hard to get rid of effects is it makes you take your own personal and natural characteristics that you were born with that are totally ok and natural, and label them as wrong, or unwanted, or unacceptable. Even after the source of the original pain is long gone.

I definitely agree with that. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me until I learned to think there was something wrong with me from my peers. I don't think I would have learned to think of myself as inferior on my own. It's a learned behavior, so now I need to unlearn it. To this day, I don't know what natural characteristics I had that were so bad that it warranted being treated like I was "less than" - I remember only ever trying to be agreeable and friendly. The source of the original pain is long since gone, but only now am I trying to put my personality back together, only now am I starting to accept myself. However, in my introspection, I have indeed realized that there is a lot I about myself that I could be doing better.

Ferreting out knee-jerk self-deprecations that come up in situations with other people that hit buried experiences from the past is hard work. I've found that to do this work means to put yourself into varied situations which might actually bring this stuff up. Then you have to make a new decision that this aspect of you is ok.

And, I've found that there always seems to be one more knee-jerk lurking in the background.

I was bullied in my home to the extent that I stopped going home.

Hmm. I try to just be more aware of my thoughts now, and for the most part I feel fine consciously. I just want to get the old story out of my subconscious. Perhaps it just takes effort and time.

Also, I'm sorry to hear you were bullied at home. If nowhere else, home is supposed to be a safe place. I hope you have healed from it and are doing better these days.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Do you really think they just lucked into those things? I don't. Chances are we just don't see the actual work they put in. It should pretty much go without saying that I'm not talking about people who are born into success here. That's a different thing altogether. I don't think people generally luck into relationships either, they are probably doing something differently to you or maybe they just have qualities and interests that make it easier to find partners.

Eh, I don't know. In jobs, I've seen not-that-smart people wind up in great jobs with great pay. And in relationships it's even worse. I've seen not that bad but nothing special guys, down to legitimate screw-ups luck into relationships with beautiful, fascinating, unique women. Although, you could say that these guys are doing something different than me and have qualities and interests which make it easier to get a partner - such being hyper-masculine and rebellious, which gives such a person high social status. They usually have charisma and charm as well. As a result, guys like that tend to be able to attract whoever they want. I never saw a reason to act like a troublemaker, though. It seemed shallow, dumb, and unnecessarily mean. I had a nice home life, and I didn't want to throw that away by acting out and getting in trouble. Plus, I didn't feel any reason to change from friendly to hostile. But, I have a hard time competing against these guys' hyper-masculinity, social status, confidence, and charm.

Do you really think randomness is the reason you can't find the partner you want or get into a desirable career? I can accept that misfortune can prevent someone from attaining something they otherwise might be able to but I don't accept that people are able to get those things simply down to randomness.

No, I don't think it's randomness either. I think because of my low confidence and self-image, I sabotaged myself. For jobs, I never did much research because I feared I would be stuck in bad jobs anyway, I feared I was just naturally a poor person and that's just what I was. For relationships I think it's a lot of things. I think it's like I said in my initial post - my confidence was attacked early when my peers acted like there was something wrong with me. Because of that I felt like a low-status person, like I was just not good enough, like I was the problem. So I never bothered trying to be attractive, never made myself interesting, never learned about the cool things to do or places to go. Because I felt like I wasn't good enough I had no confidence, and because I had no confidence I had no experience knowing how to be attractive. Also, I lacked experience because I didn't want to be sexual early in life. So when I finally met someone I liked, I didn't know how to act to send the right vibes. I had been down on myself for years so I didn't have a charismatic personality. And the women I like see more of my insecurities than my good qualities, so that's what they think I am.

---

I'm saying that SkaFish shouldn't let the fact he can't control it stop him from trying to get the best out of life which is what he seems to have done. I.e, he's given up trying because he thinks there is a good chance that nothing will come of it.

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I did most of my life - gave up in pretty much every category because I had strong feelings that it would come to nothing anyway. That's the heart of all my personal problems I think - getting rid of this feeling that I am the problem, that I am not good enough because I'm just not good enough.

Either way thanks for saying that I shouldn't let these feelings stop me, though. Every little bit of encouragement helps.

 

[Xpendable]

Would the world be a different place if Churchill had accepted one of Hitler's peace offers?

A little. War still would have happened, but there's a butterfly effect in all things.

 

[Xpendable]

And to answer you more generally, yes I absolutely think it makes a difference. Better to have a 20% chance of getting what you want than a 0% chance.

the % chance depends almost entirely in things without our control. You can control (mostly) how much work you put in something. But you can't control how that effort is reciprocated.

For exmple, last year I committed myself to do well in UNI so I could get a scholarship, after my first grades I though it would be too hard and settle with passing all my classes. But through the year I was getting better and finally got the best grade in my class and I was able to postulate to it. I even delayed my inscription, that if done in november it would mean 30% discount. I felt really good for accomplishing the goal and went to find another job to keep paying the remaining debt.

Guessing where this is going. I didn't get the scholarship.
If you needed a 6 out of 10 to get it, I got a 9.

The response was that I already had too many (two) different government aids to help me out and that only 4 out of 12 students got it. It angered so much. It took me a year of hard work to get those grades, but they were like "sorry, we think you're paying too little money". Just when I had accomplish an actual goal in my life I got denied just out of nowhere. How is that not worthless? I lost many social oportunities last year due to being studying and it was pointless. So don't tell me hard work automatically improves your chances, because I should had have 100% chances of success but some random decision said otherwise. Sure, not getting good grades will mean 0% chance of getting it but it didn't made any difference in the general outcome of things.

And Ska, you said you sabotage yourself for the way you are, but did you choose your family? Your genes? Your neighborhood? Your classmates?
All these things came up out to you out of randomness.

 

[Paraiyar]

And to answer you more generally, yes I absolutely think it makes a difference. Better to have a 20% chance of getting what you want than a 0% chance.

the % chance depends almost entirely in things without our control. You can control (mostly) how much work you put in something. But you can't control how that effort is reciprocated.

For exmple, last year I committed myself to do well in UNI so I could get a scholarship, after my first grades I though it would be too hard and settle with passing all my classes. But through the year I was getting better and finally got the best grade in my class and I was able to postulate to it. I even delayed my inscription, that if done in november it would mean 30% discount. I felt really good for accomplishing the goal and went to find another job to keep paying the remaining debt.

Guessing where this is going. I didn't get the scholarship.
If you needed a 6 out of 10 to get it, I got a 9.

The response was that I already had too many (two) different government aids to help me out and that only 4 out of 12 students got it. It angered so much. It took me a year of hard work to get those grades, but they were like "sorry, we think you're paying too little money". Just when I had accomplish an actual goal in my life I got denied just out of nowhere. How is that not worthless? I lost many social oportunities last year due to being studying and it was pointless. So don't tell me hard work automatically improves your chances, because I should had have 100% chances of success but some random decision said otherwise. Sure, not getting good grades will mean 0% chance of getting it but it didn't made any difference in the general outcome of things.

And Ska, you said you sabotage yourself for the way you are, but did you choose your family? Your genes? Your neighborhood? Your classmates?
All these things came up out to you out of randomness.

Read my comment properly. I've already said that we can't control randomness so that even with hard work you can't guarantee success. My point is that without trying, you are guaranteeing failure from the start on your end. Thst is a general rule whether you like it or not. Of course you can't control other people's decisions on other ends but so what? I'm not sure what the point of your argument is to SkaFish unless you think he should just stay at home and not get a job and not move out because it isn't worth trying? That hasn't made him happy.

You can resort to biological determinism as you sort of do in your last paragraph but what's the point? Ska already knows that he needs to make changes so he just needs to do it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

And to answer you more generally, yes I absolutely think it makes a difference. Better to have a 20% chance of getting what you want than a 0% chance.

the % chance depends almost entirely in things without our control. You can control (mostly) how much work you put in something. But you can't control how that effort is reciprocated.

For exmple, last year I committed myself to do well in UNI so I could get a scholarship, after my first grades I though it would be too hard and settle with passing all my classes. But through the year I was getting better and finally got the best grade in my class and I was able to postulate to it. I even delayed my inscription, that if done in november it would mean 30% discount. I felt really good for accomplishing the goal and went to find another job to keep paying the remaining debt.

Guessing where this is going. I didn't get the scholarship.
If you needed a 6 out of 10 to get it, I got a 9.

The response was that I already had too many (two) different government aids to help me out and that only 4 out of 12 students got it. It angered so much. It took me a year of hard work to get those grades, but they were like "sorry, we think you're paying too little money". Just when I had accomplish an actual goal in my life I got denied just out of nowhere. How is that not worthless? I lost many social oportunities last year due to being studying and it was pointless. So don't tell me hard work automatically improves your chances, because I should had have 100% chances of success but some random decision said otherwise. Sure, not getting good grades will mean 0% chance of getting it but it didn't made any difference in the general outcome of things.

And Ska, you said you sabotage yourself for the way you are, but did you choose your family? Your genes? Your neighborhood? Your classmates?
All these things came up out to you out of randomness.

Other people aren't also deserving of the scholarship? You are already (or were) getting two types of aid. Some of those other students might not be getting any.
Also, did you check the rules and conditions of getting said scholarship or did you just see it and say "oh, I want that, they'll give it to me"?

I hardly see how striving to get better grades is worthless though.

You want something, you go for it. Whether you win or lose isn't really the point, but the fact that you tried. Give up on it all and yeah, then it will have been for nothing, but keep trying and it's for something.

 

[Xpendable]

My point is that without trying, you are guaranteeing failure from the start on your end.

Unless you're born rich and your parents make the right contacts.

I'm not sure what the point of your argument is to SkaFish unless you think he should just stay at home and not get a job and not move out because it isn't worth trying? That hasn't made him happy.

No, I think he should do whatever he wants, but not to think that he's the problem, regardelss of the result.

You can resort to biological determinism as you sort of do in your last paragraph but what's the point? Ska already knows that he needs to make changes so he just needs to do it.

And some luck. He needs that too.

 

[Xpendable]

Other people aren't also deserving of the scholarship?

Who said that?

You are already (or were) getting two types of aid.

Those are granted when meeting a certain economical standard that many other people have. I should metion other people get more aid than me simply for living too far. Actual money to buy food and stuff while their parents pay they rent. I, on the contrary, have to work part time to pay what this schoolarship would have fixed. If I don't have to work, I have more time to study; therefore get even better grades.

Some of those other students might not be getting any.

Because they don't qualify. I did.

Also, did you check the rules and conditions of getting said scholarship or did you just see it and say "oh, I want that, they'll give it to me"?

Yeah, I must be an entitled ***** who just thinks deserves everything.
I knew the damn rules 10 months earlier. I summited all the necessary paperwork at the right dates. I did EVERYTHING that it has to be done.

I hardly see how striving to get better grades is worthless though.

Because there's literally no reciprocation. I get nothing from it, not even congartulations.

You want something, you go for it. Whether you win or lose isn't really the point, but the fact that you tried.
Give up on it all and yeah, then it will have been for nothing, but keep trying and it's for something.

"if you don't try you don't get ****, it's worthless"
"if you try and don't get **** is not worthless because... ???"

 

[Paraiyar]

Unless you're born rich and your parents make the right contacts.

I believe I mentioned that exception earlier on. Still, I wouldn't necessarily consider that success since you wouldn't have achieved anything.

 

[Xpendable]

Financial stability and the chance of professional development seem very success-like to me.

 

[Paraiyar]

Financial stability and the chance of professional development seem very success-like to me.

Not if you just inherited it from parents. A great platform for success yes but not success in and of itself.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Hey, I saw this thread and appreciate your candidness posting your personal story. It stood out to me as I can definitely relate quite a bit to the whole self esteem and feeling like a hopeless failure in terms of abilities, jobs, intelligence, personality, general life success. I have long had a very low self-esteem and a lot of built up self-hatred and I tend to just feel inadequate compared to everyone else around me and I'm not sure I'll ever suceed in this world. I also relate to that unfortunate mindset of giving up too easily believing I'm going to fail anyway and wish I could establish a bit more mental resilience. Over the past week I've had some days of really intense bouts of self-hatred, to the point where it's sometimes all I think about when I'm alone. Sometimes, even though I have friends now, it's hard to believe I really have anything to live for.

First off, thanks for reading my post. Self-doubt is a nasty habit to fall into, isn't it? Because every time you make a mistake or things don't go well for you, it makes you think that it wasn't just one mistake or problem - it makes you think that it's proof of your fundamental lack of ability to succeed. That's how I've felt, anyway. I'm feeling a little better in the self-esteem department these days, but I still worry about my ability to succeed in the world, especially in terms of money, talent, and romantic relationships. It's hard for me to see myself getting anywhere in any of those categories because I haven't had any success there yet. I have a hard time seeing why I won't just keep failing for the rest of my life. I get intensely down on myself about it too, so I get where you're coming from.

Sometimes it just seems like there are so many things wrong with me that even if I improved one thing I'd still be way too far away from being a good person. But I know I can't just be complacent and hate myself more and more forever, I know I need to start moving forward. And it's equally important to be patient with oneself during the process and realize Rome wasn't built in a day.

This is the second fear about this that I feel. Sometimes I'm able to push past the idea that everything is just impossible for me, and I feel like sure, maybe these things I want are possible, but that I am too far gone. That I've been failing so long that I've sunk too deep to get back. Like you said, even if I fix one thing that's wrong with me, there are still all of the other things, and it's going to take time, time I don't have anymore. The closer I get to 30, the worse this feeling gets.

I also know that complacency isn't the answer and self-loathing won't help, that nothing will change as long as I stay in this mental comfort zone of feeling like I can't do better than OK, made comfortable by self-doubt and instant gratification. I try to just take things a day at a time, and when I feel the old feelings I remind myself that it's just an old habit, not the real me.

I think it was very eye-opening to post these introspective reflections on past experiences. Unlike you I don't think I was ever actively bullied but I was also kind of an outcast and wasn't able to make any real friends until midway through college, which is probably what caused me to spend most of my teen years depressed and thinking I wasn't good enough. And I don't know, maybe those experiences when you're young can sometimes stay with you more than you think, but I'm not entirely sure it's that. But I do know I'm so used to that mindset it's hard to think differently. I think the thing is just really needing a chance to break the cycle of believing I'll never do anything right, but it's hard when there's little positive reinforcement to believe that I'm not all the bad things I think about myself.

Now that I've grown up a bit, it's gotten easier for me to deal with having been an outcast. I'm more rational about it. I used to think I was an outcast because there was something wrong with me, that me, my personality, and interests were "wrong" and others' were "right", but now I see that isn't true. It was just that more people liked other things than I did, possibly just because tradition told them so, and fewer people liked the stuff I liked so there were less people I would have had an easier time relating to. It's not really something I can say is my "fault".

Another thing that really helped set me free from my old feelings was the realization that I really don't care what any of my peers think of me anymore. I mean, it's not like their judgment ever really made me change or made me stop liking the things I liked. I kept doing it anyway, so their opinions must not have ever mattered that much to me - I just thought they did. I could meet any one of them today and there's really nothing they could say to bring me down, because their opinions just aren't relevant. Especially the bullies. Realizing that it's actually them who have the fault of choosing to be crappy people, and me that was fine the whole time, was a major confidence booster. Knowing that I just don't take them seriously at all anymore really makes me feel empowered and gives me the sense of closure and resolution I'd been looking for.

I too have struggled with this feeling of "not being good enough", and I think it had its roots in being an outcast. But even though I can think about it more rationally, it's still like you said - I've been feeling "not good enough" for so long that it's become a habit, and for so long I had a lot of negative reinforcement. I still have to consciously remind myself that I'm not naturally "not good enough", that there's nothing inherently wrong with me. I am over most of others' judgment of me, but I find that I still struggle with judging myself.

I think building positive momentum and setting small goals could be good for us. I know I would like to find a skill I feel confident enough to teach myself or something I can develop a more structured plan for that would bring me closer to a desired career path despite having little relevant experience. I used to pride myself on being good at writing but I keep feeling like my brain's too broken to write or to even express myself or my aims particularly well. I think writing more would be good for me though.

So I guess the challenge is learning to view yourself and your abilities in a more positive way.

I'd agree with this. I read somewhere recently that it's important to get clear on what you want, and to make consistent effort towards it, however small it might be, just as long as you are moving towards your goal every day. I too would feel more confident by being good at something, both for a career and for my own personal interests. I'd feel like I really do have the power to be more than average.

I think writing would be good for me as well. Last weekend, I was working on my Star Wars roleplaying game quest, working out a plot and making up characters and backstories, and it felt really good to get back into doing something creative like that again. I looked over my notes when I was done and I thought, wow, I really can put together a decent story after all. It just takes sitting down and working on it.

I also worry that my brain isn't able to write well, but I think it's that I don't read enough. I used to read more and I liked it, but I fell out of the habit.

I was starting to read a book about this and it mentioned the idea of the fixed mindset versus the growth mindset. The fixed mindset is where a person thinks their abilities are fixed and cannot increase, and mistakes are proof of being permanently inferior. Because of this, people with the fixed mindset tend to avoid taking risks or putting forth much effort out of fear of failing, and the humiliation that goes with it. When I read about it I was shocked because I thought to myself, this is exactly it, this is exactly the way I had been feeling. The growth mindset, on the other hand, says that you can learn new skills and abilities and looks at mistakes as being part of the learning process as you build experience. I think that is more helpful for like you were saying, learning to see yourself and your abilities in a more positive way.

The one thing I noticed is when you mentioned you'd view yourself as a failure for working a bad job. I think it is very healthy to want more for yourself but it's also not good to tie too much of yourself or who you are as a person to what kind of job you do. It's just one aspect of who you are as a human. That said, I hope you are able to find something that is a good fit for you and helps you gain confidence, it really sucks out there and it's hard to break into fields and demonstrate your worth.

Yeah, I see what you're saying about that but it really is a confidence thing for me. It's important to me to get a decent job because I want to disprove my old self-image of being an inherently incapable person. I want to be in an at least somewhat uplifting, empowering work environment, not so I can brag to others but so I can feel good about myself.

Also, although it might not mean much, I hope you are able to develop greater confidence in your skills and abilities. I think sometimes it's not so much that we don't have them but that it takes a lot of soul searching effort to come to an understanding of how to bring them out.

Thanks a lot man, I appreciate it I hope you are able to develop these same qualities of confidence in yourself and abilities too, since it sounds like we struggle with similar things.

I'm kind of of the idealistic notion that every human (besides me) has intrinsic value and something unique and special to contribute to the world. And I'd like to believe that through cultivating more positive thoughts and habits our lives can develop a more meaningful impact on those around us and that we don't have to be held back forever by past selves or self-limiting beliefs. I think I'd be more apt to achieve my goals by maintaining a more positive mindset like that than by constantly beating myself up like I'm used to.

I'm sorry, I need to stop, it is late. All the best!

I think you're right about that. The years of negative reinforcement, sometimes from inside our own heads, has created these self-limiting beliefs and negative ideas about who we think we are. When I think about it, it feels weird because I don't know what it will be like to be more positive about myself. I think it's a matter of reminding ourselves every time the old story starts playing that it's not the real "us", it's just a self-image we subconsciously created and conditioned ourselves to believe was who we are. I guess I'm still working on removing my old self-image and making a positive self-image my new default setting.

Anyway, thanks again for the words of encouragement.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Looking at it through a completely objective lens, there is no such thing as a bad experience. But the conclusions we draw for ourselves and the actions we take based on bad experiences can get us on a good or a bad trail and which way you decide for is completely up to you. So the first thing that came to my mind was also saying that you have to move on - which inevitably involves taking care of yourself, getting your hands back on the steering wheel because you are responsible for sustaining yourself. You are only broken or defective if you ultimately label yourself this way.

When it comes to peer acceptance and finding a partner...you are free to act however you want and you definitely should if you deem it the right thing and does not disagree with your morality. Even if you are okay with yourself (which should be your first goal), not everyone will accept let alone respect you for being yourself, but those who do will do it genuinely. And that's what it's about, right? I'm saying this because...

I don't see myself as broken or defective as much as I used to, but I still have some kinks to work out from having this low self-image for so long. It's become my default setting, so to speak. That's what worries me. I'm over the past but I worry that I'm still floating down the wrong trail, like pushing an object in space.

Let me rephrase it: "I still want a girlfriend and you can't attract everyone if you don't come off as masculine."

You can go ahead and equal masculinity to brutishness, but this is forcing the term through a really small and outdated bottleneck. You could also equal being masculine to being confident, but does that mean women are inherently less confident because they are not masculine by definition? That's a bit of mindfuck to be honest.

I guess that comes from the most common examples of masculinity back then, and even some of them now. I just didn't want to be like them, I didn't like their style, I found it unpleasant and low. I liked being friendly and getting along instead of being hyper-aggressive and needlessly confrontational, mindlessly rebellious, and disrespectful because it's "cool". I liked being sweet instead of lewd and crude. But, I can think of a few guys I have met over the years who happened to be both very masculine but not very brutish. I'm thinking that if I have to change myself to be more masculine, then I should look to these masculine-but-not-brutish guys as my example. They're friendly like I want to be, but also knowledgeable on a variety of topics, good at a lot of interests, and generally capable types which have been areas I've wanted to improve.

As far as confidence itself goes I used to think it was just a good thing for anyone to have, regardless of gender.

So just be yourself and be okay with yourself. If you are not happy with an aspect, change it. But change it for your own sake, not the sake of others. Some women are into not so masculine (not brutish) men and it's something to consider. You can't expect to be liked for who you are if you wholly dislike yourself of course, constantly reinforcing the dislike with thoughts of inadequacy because you don't live up to some standard others have been preaching.

Yeah, this is about where I'm at now. There are a few women out there that like not so brutish men, but unfortunately, a lot of women are still into the brutes - or, the brutes are louder, flashier, more confident and more experienced than I am because they have always been in the "in" crowd, so I feel like they are muscling me out, which digs up those old feelings of anger and shame, anger that they are still beating me in spite of their bad traits which are worse than mine, and shame I don't seem to have something better to offer that overrides their cliche macho image and attitude gimmicks. It brings out my fear of having natural inferiority all over again.

I want to get those feelings of excitement in women but I want to do it my way, and I want to beat the brutes with my way.

You are aware of all these things though, so this is not really happening on a subconscious level anymore. This awareness enables you to stop and turn around and get back on the road you'd like to be on. Especially if you are "way off-course", it's better to start retracing your steps as soon as possible because it's such a long way back. As I said before, no such thing as objectively bad experiences. Just events and consequences. And the conclusions to be drawn are solely up to you.

I've been starting to get back on the path again now that I've become more aware, and I've been able to move past some of the things like the childhood bullying. I now recognize that I wasn't defective, there was nothing wrong with me, and that if there was something wrong with anyone it was them for choosing to be ********, but that isn't my fault or anything I could help. I'm starting to feel a little more empowered these days.

 

[Rainbows]

Ska, why can't you take a minimum-wage job and then go back to college or uni or whatever and highen your chances. If you really want to change your life, then do it that way.
The only way you can get what you want is by working hard.
If you want to improve yourself you can start by looking positively at the world. Again, I'm surrounded by women everyday - and actually only one of my friends likes the "brute" guys. Perhaps you are searching for the wrong kind of people.
It is all in your own hands, you just have to stop protesting to see it.