Saying NO to loneliness! My Journal

[bender22]

Friday

Only a pretty short night out, less than two hours but still solid for a quick night. I approached as soon as I walked into the first venue. Two girls who were on a pub crawl. My buddy came in and winged me. Can’t remember too much about it, went nicely for a warm up I think. Could have re-approached them later in the night.

While I was walking around I saw a girl giving me eye contact. I could tell that she recognised me. I didn’t recognise her but I still went over and said ‘do I know you from somewhere?’ She was like yeah where do we know each other from, with a big smile on her face. Talked to her for a bit then she had to go find her friends but said she’d be around there for a while.

Fast forward about 30-45 minutes, I saw her again and approached her. Felt very solid, she had a smile on her face the whole time we were talking and she looked very comfortable when I got up close to her and touched her. I think I’m starting to get a lot more comfortable being physical with girls now. This has been a huge problem I’ve had for a long time but touch is so important.

Anyway, I was talking to this girl for a while, having fun, then I took her over to the dancefloor with me. In hindsight, this girl was definitely into me. No doubt. But at the time when we were dancing, she looked kinda aloof and I started thinking she was losing interest. She was probably just a little nervous. I asked for her number and she gave it to me right away without any hesitation.

She’s moving to another city in two weeks but I might try to see her again. Seems like a cool girl and she’s cute. Pretty good interaction overall but I could have pushed it further, if I’d just assumed she liked me the whole time. Before we went over to dance, I was very confident that she liked me and my behaviour reflected that.

When I’m sure a girl likes me, I’m pretty good. I stop worrying about what to say and express myself a lot better. But if I’m not convinced a girl is attracted to me, I often struggle. I need to just assume most girls like me. I was talking to another guy (who’s extremely good with girls) yesterday about this and he was saying that often times a girl is attracted to you but is too nervous to show any signs of attraction straight away. So she may not be doing much to engage in the conversation and she may not look very interested but she’s still attracted. Normally in a situation like that, I assume the girl just isn’t interested. But if she’s still there listening to me, there’s a good chance she is interested but nervous. Girls do get very nervous around guys they like. This was a huge realisation for me.

There was a girl on a pub crawl sitting by herself who I approached. This was a strange interaction in a way, it went well but there was a lot I probably could’ve done better. I think she liked me and we were talking for a while. She said she doesn’t go out often and I got the feeling she’s probably not used to being approached. I got her number but not sure how solid it was. This was probably another one where I was unsure whether she liked me or not and thus holding back a lot. Looking back on it, she probably did like me and was just nervous. To my credit though, I recognised she was at least somewhat interested despite not showing any super clear signs of interest. I stayed in there and still got her number which was good,

Maybe one or two more approaches I did but don’t remember much about them.

Saturday

I had a seminar which went pretty late and I didn’t get started until about 11:30. I wasn’t planning on staying very late so I didn’t want to pay entry fee anywhere, which meant I was limited to a few small bars and the street.

I was lining up to go in one place with one of the other guys and I started talking to a group of girls behind us. They were talking about going to McDonald’s afterwards and I said something like ‘don’t go there it makes you fat!’ One of the girls said ‘are you saying I’m fat’ She said it in a playful way but one of the bouncers overheard and said ‘I think you should give up there man’ I should have just ignored him and kept going but I was too reactive to him and it threw me off. We didn’t go inside with the girls because it turned out there was an entry fee. If we had gone in, I’m pretty sure I could’ve turned it around.

Went to another small bar and I approached a girl who was with 2 girls and 2 guys. Went alright but I didn’t stick in there long.

Best one of the night was when one of the other guys had approached two girls at a table. I went over to wing him. One of the girls had a boyfriend but her friend who was cuter was single. I started off talking to the one with the boyfriend. She didn’t believe me when I told her how old I was so I made a bet with her. If I showed her my ID and I was right, she had to get me a drink.

When I won the bet I said she could just get me a water. She did go over and get me one haha. That gave me some time to chat to the cuter friend. My buddy had left so it was just me and the girls. I had this ongoing banter with the girl who had a boyfriend. At one point I was just ignoring her and talking to the cuter friend. I possibly pushed her away too much, probably should’ve tried to be friends with her a little more, so she would approve of me and her friend.

I think the single friend liked me but didn’t want to show too much interest in front of her friend. I tried to get a few of my other friends to occupy the girl with the boyfriend so I could focus on the other one. They tried but she didn’t like them. She said they were going somewhere else once and I somehow convinced them to stay longer. I’m sure the cuter girl wanted to stay.

The second time the boyfriend girl said they were leaving, I gave up. The cuter, single girl might have given me her number if it was just me and her but I knew she probably wouldn’t in front of her friend so I didn’t bother. Just thought of this then - the boyfriend girl had been trying to get me to buy her a drink since she got me a water. I just said no or ignored her every time. Maybe I could have given her $5 and said you can buy yourself one. Or I could’ve said I’d buy her a drink but the friend was coming with me. Either way, it would have bought me five minutes alone with the friend and it would’ve been way easier to get her number. Need to think of these ideas in the moment.

Few other quick interactions before I went home. Nothing really worth writing about. Probably would have been a good night if I’d have more time and gone to a better venue.

Not as exciting as last weekend but I think I still have a lot of momentum behind me and my next few weeks should be pretty awesome if I take action and go to the right venues.

 

[bender22]

Saturday night

Just did Saturday night this weekend. Pretty lousy night to be honest. Found it difficult to get into a good state all night and when I can’t get into a good state, I usually struggle to approach. Disappointing to have a night like this after some of the really good nights I’ve had recently but I knew I was bound to have a bad night sooner or later.
I started out the night with Matt and another guy. Before they got to the bar, I saw my friend from uni (I’ve talked about her in here before, I went to her birthday the last few years) and she was with her friend who I’ve also talked about in here. I sat down with them and talked to them for a while.

When Matt and the other guy got there we approached a group of four girls at a table. This interaction actually went pretty well. It ended up being mostly me talking to the four girls and they all seemed to like me. The one I liked most was at the back of the table, against the wall which made it difficult to talk to her individually. Kinda stalled out after a while, although I probably should’ve gone back to them later.

Winged Matt while he was talking to a couple of girls, he had met earlier. He suggested I get one of the girls from the group standing behind us and bring her over to our group. So I turned around and tapped her on the shoulder and said come over and meet my friends. At first she said no but I quickly convinced her to come over anyway. Although it didn’t go anywhere, the positive to take away from this one is I didn’t just give up at the first sign of resistance like I most often do. Sometimes it only takes a little bit of persistance like this to turn a no into a yes.

I was going to meet up with one of the other guys at another club but he never ended up coming so it was just me. Found it really difficult to get any momentum going by myself. When I first got to this club I thought I’d just ease into it but that was a big mistake. Need to be approaching as soon as I walk into these places. I’ll briefly go through the few interactions I did have.

Quickly talked to an Asian girl as I lined up to go upstairs. Conversation fizzled out which was entirely my fault for just being lazy with it.

Approached one girl who was part of a group of four girls. Talked to her a bit then her friends introduced themselves to me. Talked to one of the friends a while. If I’d been in a better state this could’ve been a good one. But I still wasn’t really feeling it and it fizzled out.

Standing around and a cute girl walking past me made eye contact. I stopped her and introduced myself. Her friend tried to move her away so I introduced myself to the friend as well. But they wanted to go over to the dancefloor and I didn’t do anything more to stop them. Need to be more persistent.

I think one of the big differences between nights when I’m in a good state and nights where I’m in a bad state is trust in myself. When I’m in a good state, I trust that girls will like me, I trust that I will be able to think of what to say, I trust I’ll be able to handle any ******** they throw at me. When I’m in a bad state, that trust turns to doubt. Last night I kept thinking what the hell am I going to say to these girls if I talk to them and will they like me?

I’ve said this before but I think I really need to start going out by myself more often. My buddy Shane is still overseas and when he gets back I can’t wait to start going out with him again, I think we’re going to kill it together. But these other guys seem to drag me down. Most of them are nice enough guys but they don’t really get it. When I go out with them I often become reliant on them to help pump my state and help in my interactions. I shouldn’t be relying on anyone but myself. These other guys are unreliable too. Most of them don’t go out every week like I do. Matt is good but his style is so different to mine and he doesn’t usually go to the venues I like.

I’ve found that solo nights are much better for building self efficacy too. You’re taking full responsibility for your own success. If I had a better group of guys to go out with that would be ideal but until then or until Shane gets back, I’m better of going alone. I’ve already proven I can have good nights when I go solo, so I should be fine. Maybe Friday nights I’ll go out with the other guys but Saturday nights will be solo nights.

 

[bender22]

Friday night

Having someone good to go out with definitely makes a big difference! Last night I went out with one other guy - Patty. I’ve gone out with him a few times before, he came out with me a few weeks ago when I had probably my best night ever. He seems to have trouble approaching at the start of the night but if he gets started, he can be pretty good….definitely better than most of the other guys I’ve been going out with.

I got us talking to people early in the night and from there on we both had a pretty good night. We went to one of my favourite clubs, which was packed with pub crawls. When we were lining up one of the girls in front of us turned around and looked at me so I quickly introduced myself. Good to get the first interaction of the night out of the way early like this. I talked to her a few more times during the night.

Patty told me earlier that he likes Asian girls so I pointed out a cute Asian girl to him inside. He approached her and I distracted the Asian’s friend. I said to the friend ‘hey I’m going to talk to you while my friend hits on your friend.’ Worked well. Talked to her for a while as Patty did his thing. Like a good wingman would.

While I was getting a water at the bar there was a group of three girls next to me. Probably some of the hottest girls I saw during the night. I tapped the one next to me and introduced myself. I remember when I first spoke to her she looked at me with a big smile. This is why I like this club, most people there are having fun and smiling. Some places I go to, everyone has a blank, expressionless look on there face and it sucks. Anyway, talked to these girls a bit but lost them when they got their drinks.

Saw three girls from a pub crawl sitting down and approached one of them. She gave me one of those fluorescent wrist band things. Apparently the girl next to her went to uni with me. I didn’t recognise her at first but remembered her when she said we were in the same uni course. I talked to her a little but I’m just thinking now, I should have gone back to her later and talked to her again. It sounds like she’s got her life together, she seems smart, we already kind of know each other and she’s pretty - could be dating material. Kicking myself right now for not talking to her again.

While I was walking around I stopped a cute girl walking in my direction. Probably the second best looking girl I approached after those girls at the bar. I said something to her about the song playing. She loved it. She was smiling, laughing, putting her hands on me. They say you shouldn’t get too attached to the reactions you get from girls but it does feel good when a really attractive girl responds to you this way. She said she was going over to dance and I said yeah I was heading over there in a minute too. She said cool I’ll see you over there then. I was going to go over and dance with her but got distracted by other stuff and didn’t end up seeing her again

There’s no way I could’ve pulled off this next one if I hadn’t done all those other approaches to get me feeling good. I locked eyes with a girl on a pub crawl and pointed at her, smiled, put my hand out for her to take it. She took my hand, I pulled her in, she started dancing up close to me. I could see my window of opportunity and made out with her straight away. Don’t think I’d said one word to her at this point haha. After we made out, I introduced myself to her. We kept dancing and making out for a while. I took her to get a drink at the bar.

She was with her cousin and I spoke to the cousin as well. I’ve learnt that it’s always a good idea to befriend the girl’s friend (or relative) so they won’t have a problem with you. A bit later, Patty came over and talked to the cousin and I think he made out with the cousin. After dancing and making out with my girl more I got her number. Unfortunately I think the cousin freaked out a little when she found out Patty was several years older than her. Otherwise we possibly could’ve tried taking them both back to his place. Should’ve asked my girl about how she was getting home, who she lives with etc..to see if it was possible to go home with her.

I was sitting on a lounge with Patty and there were a couple of girls sitting on another lounge across from us. We looked at each other a few times. I could see the look in her eyes. That’s all I need to know it’s on. Next time we made eye contact I called her over and pointed to the spot next to me on my lounge. She came over straight away and sat next to me. Pretty strong way to start an interaction, I felt good about that. Patty got her friend sitting next to him and they were hitting it off. So good to have a wingman who actually knows what he’s doing.

Went pretty well with my girl at first. We were chatting and eye contact was very strong. I probably could’ve been more physical because she was sitting right next to me. It went well enough but I definitely played it too safe. I said let’s go get a drink and she came with me to the bar. But from there it fizzled out. I didn’t know how to keep the interaction interesting and she was getting boring so I told her I’d find her later. Probably could’ve got her number I suppose.

I saw a girl who I went to school with but didn’t talk to her. Really wish I’d said hello. She was a nice girl, would’ve been good to at least say hello.

Another one near the end of the night who I made eye contact with and approached immediately. It was her friend’s birthday so I wished her a happy birthday. Kinda froze up and didn’t know what else to say so I ejected pretty quickly.

I left before 1am so I’d have energy for Saturday night. Think that was pretty good for a quick Friday night. Big improvement on last Saturday. Some of the approaches I did were extremely solid. I think I did get a little complacent after that make out though. I sort of thought to myself ‘well I’ve done well for a Friday, I can take it easy now.’ After that I spent too much time not talking to anyone. I should’ve kept pushing it hard while I had that momentum. Besides that, it was a good night!

 

[bender22]

Saturday

This stuff is amazing when you're growing and making progress. I feel so good about myself this morning as I write this. Had another pretty good night last night. Every night out is a new adventure now.

I was originally planning on going out alone but made a change of plans last minute and ended up going out with a couple of other guys. I still think I should do more solo nights but it's nice to have that safety net of having some friends there with you. And I don't think my night would've turned out as well as it did if I'd gone solo.

I've got a new rule when I enter a bar or club, I can't get a water or go to the restrooms until I do an approach. My first one was two girls standing together. They both had boyfriends.

I went back to the other two guys who were talking about who was going to approach next. I thought this is ******** and just approached a group of three pub crawl girls near us. (This is exactly what I need to do when I'm with guys who aren't taking action...lead by example!) Went pretty well with the three girls. One of them I really liked but I didn't feel confident asking for her number in front of the other two. Really needed a wing. Should have texted one of the other guys to come over and talk to the other two girls. I was hoping I'd see them again and re-approach but I didn't

Talked to a few other girls that went alright but weren't really going anywhere so I didn't stay too long. Although they didn't lead to anything they still helped to warm up my social muscles so I was better prepared when I met other girls.

While I was chatting to the other guys, one of them pointed out a girl sitting by herself. I looked at them and said 'alright, who wants this one?' They were too slow and hesitant so I took it. She looked kinda bored and upset so I wasn't expecting it to go too well. Started out a little shaky but ended up going well. She definitely wasn't the typical nightclub girl. She was telling me how she prefers playing video games than going out and she likes people watching. Little weird, but she was cool when I got her to open up more. We had a role play thing going about how we were starting our own club and we were assessing people nearby to see if they were suitable for our club.

Her friend came over (who she later explained to me was her ex-boyfriend) and asked if she wanted to go find another one of their other friends and she said 'no I'm having too much fun here' haha. I was talking to her for at least 45 minutes. It was hard to escalate physically and I felt like it probably would've backfired if I'd tried to with this girl. I got her number and I was going to text or call her later in the night but ended up with another girl. Good work by me considering how bored and closed off this girl appeared initially.

Unfortunately I lost a lot of approaching momentum after that one. The other guys went home too so it was just me. After that last interaction I was wandering around the club like a chump and didn't do any more approaches for a long time. Started getting a few negative thoughts running through my mind like 'this venue is too hard' 'people here are weird.' But I tried to shake it off and told myself to do three more approaches then I could go to another bar.

Tried talking to a very attractive blonde but she was chasing after her friends and didn't stop for me. Seriously considered calling it a night or going somewhere else at that point but forced myself to do at least one more. Finally approached a girl standing by herself outside the restrooms (I'll call her Chelsea). She told me she was waiting for her cousin who's an American. I love American girls!

Her American cousin appeared and turned out to be more attractive than Chelsea and liked me more. I found out afterwards Chelsea had a boyfriend anyway. They wanted to go dance and American girl asked me if I wanted to come with them. I said yeah so she took my hand and we all go over to the dance floor. We start dancing and grinding on each other. She had this tight, short dress and high heels on. It was so sexy.

I tried kissing her once but no go. I realized she didn't want to kiss me in front of Chelsea. So I kept dancing with her hoping Chelsea would go somewhere else or another guy would hit on Chelsea (didn't know she had a bf at that point). I had complete confidence my girl would kiss me as soon as Chelsea was gone. Eventually Chelsea finally took off somewhere else. Tried again for the make out and got it. Not sure exactly what was different about this one compared to the other makeouts I've had recently but it definitely felt like me and this girl had more of a connection.

I did well at solidifying this connection by taking her away from the dance floor and spending some time to get to know her more. We discovered that we have the same birthday so I told her it must be destiny lol. Started thinking about how I could get her home. She lived with her uncle way outside the other side of town and she was supposed to be going home with Chelsea so it wasn't looking good. At some point during the night Chelsea found out her boyfriend had cheated on her which didn't help either.

Chelsea's dad was going to pick them up. I left the club with them. At this point I knew nothing would happen tonight and I'd have to try another time. I already had her number. Before she took off with Chelsea, I told her I wanted to see her again. This should make it a lot easier to organise a date. I usually forget to seed the date when I get a girls number and it makes my job a lot harder when I'm texting her later. I'd be surprised if I don't see this girl again. Gave her a kiss goodbye then went home.

I'm 90% sure I could've taken this girl home if I had my own place. Really need to get that sorted out. Maybe I should've tried to get her to come somewhere with me to get food, to get practice pulling girls out of the venue with me if nothing else.

Anyway, awesome night. Couple of things I did this night that I should apply all my other nights. 1) The must approach before getting a drink or going to the restroom rule. This stops me from making excuses. Too often I walk into a venue and think oh I'll just get my water first then start approaching. That's just a ******** way to rationalize not taking action. 2) Always do 1 or 2 more approaches before leaving. If I'd left that club when I first wanted to and hadn't pushed myself to do one more, I wouldn't have met American girl and this report would have been a lot less interesting. It doesn't matter if I don't feel like it, you never know what could happen. I wasn't in a great state when I approached Chelsea and definitely didn't expect anything to come from it but that didn't matter.

Love how I'm getting more consistent with this stuff . Always being tired on Sunday's isn't so great but small price to pay I guess.

 

[bender22]

Just wanted to follow up last weekend with a few thoughts I’ve had.

1. It’s amazing how making a decision to push yourself, going against your emotions can have such positive consequences. If I hadn’t pushed myself to do at least one more approach on Saturday night, I would’ve walked out of the club alone, probably feeling a little disappointed in myself for not pushing myself more. I might have gone to another bar and done a few approaches. The next day I would’ve been satisfied because I had a good Friday night and did alright on Saturday but not overly excited.

INSTEAD, I pushed myself to do that one more approach, even though my emotions were telling me to leave and go somewhere else. Because I did that one more approach, a decent night turned into a GREAT night. Since Saturday night I’ve been in an ridiculously good mood. AND that positivity that has flowed on from Saturday night has carried over into other parts of my life. I felt a lot better at work today, it was probably the best day I’ve had at work for a while. Even when I played some basketball yesterday, I was playing a lot better, making more shots. I attribute a lot of this to doing that one more approach.

2. Something else that I believe has a major impact on your day to day happiness is your criteria for success. This became a lot clearer to me when I was thinking about it today. Someone who thinks they need to hook up with models every week or make a million dollars a year to be successful is setting himself up for failure. If that was my criteria for success, I would never be happy. Going out and getting a few numbers, making out with a cute girl is a successful night in my mind, therefore I feel good about myself. Someone else could have the same night and feel terrible because their criteria for success is higher. I guess one of the lessons is, KEEP THE BAR LOW. I think that’s why comparing yourself to others can be so harmful as well. It subconsciously raises your criteria for success. Your criteria for success should be appropriate for YOU, not someone else.

3. I’m almost becoming grateful that I wasn’t born with naturally good social skills and good with women. If I had been, this wouldn’t have been so rewarding. I probably never would have even been motivated to go through this journey. The results I’m getting are so rewarding because I feel like I’ve earned them and deserve it. I’ve put in the hard work to get these results. It wasn’t handed to me on a silver platter.

If an area of your life isn’t what you want it to be, I think you have to ask yourself DO YOU REALLY DESERVE IT? Warren Buffett's business partner Charlie Munger says -

“To get what you want, you have to deserve what you want. The world is not yet a crazy enough place to reward a whole bunch of undeserving people.”

Just because you’re a nice person, doesn’t mean you deserve to be rewarded with success. Two or three years ago when I had almost no success in my dating life, I didn’t deserve it anyway. I hadn’t done anything to improve that area of my life. I’d like to have a million dollars in my bank account but at this point in my life, I DON'T DESERVE IT. I know I haven’t put in the work to be rewarded with a million dollars. Hopefully one day when I focus more on that area of my life, I will deserve a million dollars.

4. Every time you approach a girl is an opportunity for something amazing to happen. EVEN IF YOU DON”T EXPECT IT. You could have a deep connection with the girl, you could have sex with her, you could even end up marrying her, who knows. Every time you don’t approach, you’re missing that opportunity.

The girl from Saturday night whose number I got...I had no expectation of that going as well as it did. I even remember saying to the other guys before I approached her ‘this could go badly, she doesn’t look very happy.’ I could’ve easily said ‘oh she doesn’t look happy, I won’t approach her.’ But instead, I approached, talked to her for about 45 minutes, got her number and I’m seeing her again this Friday.

When I did that last approach on Saturday night, I was in a weird headspace before approaching. I didn’t really have any momentum. I had no expectation of it going as well as it did. Who would have known the girl I approached would have a cute cousin who I would really hit it off with.

5. I’ve always been worried about annoying or bothering girls when I approach them. But now I’m starting to realise that I’m actually providing a lot of girls with a memorable experience they will be grateful for. I know those girls from Saturday night had a better night than they would have otherwise because I approached them. That is very satisfying in itself, knowing that I can have some kind of positive impact on someone else’s life by doing this. I want to be the guy makes a girl’s night. I want to be the guy who other girls see and wish I would approach them. If I’m that guy, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO FEEL BAD ABOUT APPROACHING.

6. Going out and doing talking to these girls used to feel like a chore. Now I can’t wait to go out on the weekend. I look forward to it all week. Even the previous week, after I’d had a pretty average Saturday night, I was still really looking forward to the next weekend. Life is much better when you have something to look forward to.

7. Something I’d encourage others to do. I’ve been doing one of Tony Robbins self development programs - Personal Power II. One of the best things I’ve got out of it is an exercise he suggests doing every morning when you wake up. You develop five questions that will put you in a positive state. Every morning you ask yourself these five questions and come up with two answers to each question. My 5 questions are:
What am I grateful for?
What do I have to look forward to?
What is good about today?
What is great about myself?
Why am I going to be successful?

Asking myself these five questions every morning definitely puts me in a positive state. I always used to wake up in a very negative mindset, except weekends. Now I wake up feeling pretty good every morning. Give it a try.

8. I still have a long way to go in this journey. I still want to get a lot better at this. I know there will be ups and downs. But damn, I’m happy I’ve stuck with it this long. Also I don't want to make it sound like this stuff is all sunshine and rainbows. There have been many times when it's made me feel like ****. But that's part of the growth process. And the highs definitely make those lows worth it.

Good to get these thoughts out in writing.

 

[Batman55]

I'm glad you've made so much progress. But in my case, I find it's hard to really feel inspired to "get out there" like you, when I know the venues you go to--clubs, bars, etc..--are just not my scene. Those are usually crowded, noisy places and I just get a disoriented feeling and quickly feel left out. I get the impression there is a "competitive" aspect, at least with clubs, and that's the last thing I'd be looking for--worrying whether I am "good enough" to fit in, etc.

So, what other venues are left?

 

[bender22]

I'd suggest shopping malls are probably the next best venue after bars and nightclubs.

Do you have a gym membership? I haven't approached many girls at my gym but I've heard of some guys having success at gyms. Especially if the gym offers classes. Those classes are full of women and if you were going to the same classes regularly, it wouldn't be too hard to get to know some of those women.

 

[Batman55]

Thanks, yes I'll admit those are good ideas to look into.

 

[bender22]

Friday
Had a date Friday afternoon. Girl was really shy. Kinda weird date, can’t figure this girl out. Still spent about 3 hours with her.
Another Friday night with Patty (same guy as last Friday). We dominate the club again. Both of us were a little slow to get started. We just stood around watching when we first arrived at the club. But once we got started, we were all over it.

My first one was a girl on a pub crawl who was walking towards me and pointed at me. I don’t know if she was really pointing at me but I assumed she was and stopped her. Didn’t last too long before she was dragged away with her friends.

Got completely ignored by some blonde girl on a pub crawl I tried to approach. Didn’t really phase me.

Spotted two girls enter the club, one of whom was so sexy. Probably the hottest girl I saw all night. Five minutes later I’m over near the dancefloor and those two girls are close to me. The hotter one gets up on this podium thing and starts dancing. The other one looks at me and I say something to her. It was so loud and I couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying but I think she was suggesting I get up on the podium and dance with her hot friend.

I asked what her friend’s name is. It was Bree. I get up next to Bree and pretend to guess her name. She gave me a hug, I introduced myself and started dancing up next to her. Wasn’t sure how to play it from there. If it had been a less attractive girl, I probably would’ve felt more confident and played it better. But because she was so hot, I had doubt in the back of my mind about whether a girl this hot would like me. Didn’t go any further but still a pretty cool interaction considering how attractive she was.

Patty was dancing and killing it with a pub crawl girl. I started dancing with that’s girl’s friend. She liked me. Had my opportunity to make out with her but missed it. Went back to her later but couldn’t separate her from her friend.

After I walked away from her, I walk past two girls and one of them tapped me on the shoulder. I quickly stopped, took her hand and put her arm around me. She was pointing towards her friend, so I grabbed the friend and put my other arm around her. The first one suggested I should kiss her friend (actually she said I should squeeze her friend or something? but I interpreted it as kiss my friend). So I kissed her friend. We chatted a bit, made out some more, got a drink, danced, made out, then they were going to another bar so I got her number. It’s weird, she had the same name as the girl I went on a date with that afternoon. She also knew the girl I danced with before and they were talking to each other at the bar when we got a drink which was a little awkward lol.

Bumped into KFC girl during the night. Talked to her quickly. Crazy how often I see her out.

Next girl I talked to looked like Demi Lovato. Strangely she had the same name as the girl I went on a date with that afternoon too. I ejected from this one too easily because she was with a big bunch of friends. Could’ve pushed it further.
A guy I know introduced me to some girl. She was there with her boyfriend. But still kept talking to me. Amazing how flirty she was with me considering her boyfriend was there. Ran into a few girls with boyfriends after her.

The next one is probably one of the ballsiest approaches I’ve ever done. I’d found one of those red roses that people go around selling at clubs and restaurants and I walked around looking for a cute girl to give it to. Saw one girl looking at me as I walked past, problem was she was with two guys. I was going to keep walking but thought screw it and went in anyway. Patty said later on he watched me doing this one and was amazed how well I did it. I gave her the rose, ignoring the guys. She loved it. About a minute in one of the guys taps me and lets me know that’s his girlfriend. Toned down the flirtiness and talked to her another 30 seconds or so then took my rose back and said goodbye. Cool to do the approach but didn’t want to end up in a fight with the boyfriend.

Still proud of myself for doing that one. It takes a lot of balls to approach a girl who’s with two guys. And I could see she liked me even though her boyfriend was right behind me.

Took my rose to a group of four girls and gave it to the cutest girl in the group. Pretty ballsy approach to do as well, with the four girls’ attention all on me. Turned out the girl had a boyfriend. She had the same name as the girl I went on a date with that afternoon as well. What the ****. It’s a fairly common name but still a weird coincidence… Anyway she pointed out one of the other girls in the group who was single. So I took my rose back and gave it to the single girl. I danced with them a little but didn’t really like the single girl so I stole my rose back and left them.

At this point I was almost ready to go home but told myself to do one more again. Turned out pretty well again. A guy I know got me to talk to an absolutely gorgeous, tall blonde girl. She was probably the most attractive girl in the club at that point. Great body, pretty face, long blonde hair and just over 6ft in heels. I gave her my rose and told her it was for Valentines day next year. She loved it and gave me a hug. I told her I was actually busy Valentine day next year but we would go on a date Valentines Day 2017.

Kept talking to her a bit and got to know her friends as well who all seemed to like me. One of her friends really liked me and I was talking to her a while. She caught me out for forgetting the blonde girl’s name and told her. But I recovered like a pro. Suddenly I had two girls in the same group who both liked me. The blonde was definitely more attractive but the other girl (brunette) was giving me more attention. Wasn’t sure which one to go for. They were going to dance, the brunette took my hand and brought me over there with them. Eventually brunette mentioned she had a boyfriend. Again, crazy how flirty she was with me considering she had a boyfriend. I was almost 100% sure she was single.

Well that made it easier to decide to go for the blonde. After dancing with them for a while I saw blonde girl and one of the other girls go over to the bar to get a drink. Perfect opportunity to get her number. I went over to the bar and chatted a bit then told her I had to go to find my friends. I told her I’d need to be able to contact her to make our valentines day 2017 plans. She said ‘should I add you on facebook?’ I said ‘nah just give me your number.’ She punched her number into my phone and put her first and last name in there. Solid. I said goodbye, probably could’ve tried to kiss her. But I was afraid of screwing up an otherwise really good interaction. Definitely the best looking girl I’ve got a number from this year.

Went home after that. It was a weird feeling driving home afterwards. I wasn’t as excited as I should have been after what was a pretty awesome night. It was like I was almost overwhelmed by it all. Not sure how to explain it. Never had this kind of attention from girls in my life before and now I’m getting it, it’s almost a little scary. Felt better about it all this morning. Helped that I woke up to texts from four different girls

May has been an unreal month.

 

[bender22]

Saturday night

Could’ve been a great night. I had two girls who were keen to meet up with me during the night. One was the girl I made out with on Friday night and the other one was a girl whose number I got about three weeks ago. I’d been texting this girl for a while and yesterday she asked me if I was going out. We ended up catching up during the night but I was so tired and in a ****** state. Probably screwed up any chance I had with this girl. It sucked because she was looking really hot too. If I’d met up with her on Friday night when I was feeling great, it probably would’ve been a different story.

Girl from Friday night didn’t end up going out.

Nothing else very notable during the night. Felt tired all night and just couldn’t get into it. Barely did any approaches. It’s crazy how you can be so good at this one night and then so bad the next night. There’s a huge difference between how I feel after a good night and bad night too. This time last week I felt incredible. After last night I feel pretty lousy.

At least Friday was good.

 

[bender22]

At 6am this morning (Sunday morning) when I’d normally be fast asleep, I was sitting in a McDonald’s out the other side of my city eating a bacon and egg wrap and smelling like sex. I’ll explain how I got there below. Starting from Wednesday.

Wednesday

Had a date with the American girl from a few weeks ago. I felt like it went really well. We just got a drink in town then I drove her back to her place and kissed her. Nothing spectacular but it seemed like we had a lot of chemistry. First time in a while I’ve been really keen to see the girl again after our first date.

Friday

Nobody else was going out but I went out anyway. Normal Friday night spot was pretty quiet because there were no pub crawls. Did just one approach then went home because I figured I’d be better off saving my energy for Saturday.

Saturday

Went out to dinner with a few friends from uni first. It’s kinda nice going out with some regular friends and just chilling out rather than thinking about trying to pick up girls the whole time. I still do get a little uncomfortable in these social situations sometimes but generally I’m pretty confident and relaxed.

After splitting ways with them I went to one of the main clubs at about 11:30pm and started off by myself until some of the other guys got there. Talked to a girl while I lined up to go in. Went nicely for a warm up.

The club was absolutely packed inside, it was cool. I prefer it when it’s really busy. Second approach was two girls standing together. Went alright but stalled out after a few minutes. Could be more persistent with ones like this. Gave up much too easily.

Approached a girl on the side of the dance floor, asking her if she likes Taylor Swift while a Taylor Swift song was playing. It goes pretty well immediately. She suggests we go somewhere quieter to talk so I take her by the hand and take her to a quieter area and we sit down at a table. We talk a bit and it’s super on. Eventually she says she has to go find her friends. I probably could’ve kissed her but settled for getting her number. She gave me her number and put my number in her phone and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Did a few more after this that went alright but stalled out after a minute or two. I’ve had a lot of interactions recently where the girl has shown instant attraction and now when I’m not getting that instant attraction I almost get a little disappointed and drop my game. Even if they’re not showing clear signs of attraction straight off the bat that doesn’t mean they don’t like me. They might just be nervous or they might just need more time to get to know me. I need to get better at hanging in these ones.

I started thinking about going home. Told myself to do one more before going home. I did one more, can’t remember what happened but it went nowhere so I told myself to do another one. I was walking around and spotted a girl making eye contact with me. I can’t remember exactly how this happened but I think I pointed at her. She points at herself as if to say ‘me?’ I danced up next to her and she sort of brushed me off but I think it was in a playful, flirty way.

I recognized one of her friends and spoke to her. She recognized me too but we couldn’t figure out where we’d met before. I remembered this morning that I’d approached her last year on the street and got her facebook lol. Then I went back to the first girl. Her friends were going outside but she stayed with me and danced. I knew she liked me so I kissed her.

After we kissed and danced a bit more she took off to dance with some other friends near us and I went with her. She started acting as if I wasn’t even there which was weird. I thought I’d just try to get her number then take off. But when I grabbed her to ask for her number we ended up making out again. I pushed her up against a wall and kept making out with her. Girls love this if you push them up against a wall and make out with them.

From that point onwards she was crazy about me. I took her out to another room to get her away from her friends.For the next hour at least she continued mouth raping me. Probably the most intimate I’ve ever been with a girl inside a club. She grinded up on me with her back to me giving me an amazing view of her sexy cleavage and she kept putting my hands on her ****s. This was enough to get me really turned on. It probably went on too long actually, I should’ve tried to get her outside earlier. I sort of tried to lead her towards the exit a few times but she resisted.

Finally I had the bright idea to say ‘I want some fresh air, let’s go outside.’ She agreed. Why didn’t I think of that earlier lol. Until we got outside we’d barely spoken to each other. I knew nothing about her. Outside I found out a bit more about her. I discovered she lived with her parents on the other side of town to me. Ughh! I told her I had a car and suggested we go on an adventure to my car. She liked this idea so I lead her to my car.

We both knew exactly what we were going to my car for although we didn’t explicitly say it. Got back to my car, moved it to a more secluded spot….made out…. clothes came off….done. It was crazy how much this girl liked me by this point. She probably wanted it even more than I did. It reminded me of how the girl I was dating for several months last year would act around me.

I drove her back to her place at 5am because I’m such a gentleman. We finally had a proper conversation on the drive back to her place. When we got back to her place she made sure she had my number in her phone and added me on facebook too.

Lucky I decided to do one more approach before leaving

I drove back home with the sun coming up and treated myself to a bacon and egg breakfast roll at McDonalds on the way back. Which tasted like **** btw. But I was still happy.

Also I’ve been texting that really attractive blonde from the previous Friday. Sometimes I think my texting sucks but with her it’s been incredibly SOLID. We’ve made tentative plans to catch up during the week. Looking forward to that one

I need some sleep now.

 

[stork_error]

And that ladies is Robert Greens, the art of seduction... The rake at work.

 

[Batman55]

And that ladies is Robert Greens, the art of seduction... The rake at work.

But is it a good or bad thing? Certainly you have more to say than just one sentence

 

[bender22]

Saturday

Had a rough night last night. I got sick last weekend and didn’t go out. Didn’t go out this Friday either. Before going out last night I still wasn’t feeling too great. My head was hurting, I was tired and really cold. But I wanted to make the effort to go out anyway.

I went out with Kevin and one of the other guys. First approach was a girl standing next to me. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her something. It was really loud in that spot and I couldn’t hear her so gave up pretty quickly.

Kevin and I went outside to the smoking area and Kevin spotted a really good looking blonde with a not so good looking brunette. We approach them together and I ask the blonde her name but she won’t tell me. She’s smiling but will barely say a word to me. They walk inside after about 15 seconds.

I went back inside and while I was walking around I realised I’d lost my ticket for the coat room. ****….just what I needed when I already wasn’t feeling too good. I’d left a new expensive jacket in the coat room and was worried someone would find my ticket and grab my jacket. I had to spend about 20 minutes talking to the girl in the coat room, then security, then the club manager just to get it back. This was a great way to lower my state even more.

After that I bumped into a couple of Asian girls I’d met before and talked to them for a bit.

Went back outside and the other guys were in the middle of an interaction with two girls. They turned out to be married. Probably the friendliest girls we talked to all night though. We went inside with these girls and started talking about approaching girls. One of the girls pointed out other girls for Kevin and I to approach.

She pointed out a group of two girls nearby and Kevin approached them and got talking to one of them. I went over to take the other one. My girl was nice and I was going alright with her but I could see the other girl didn’t like Kevin. I tried to damage control and cheer up Kevin’s friend but she wanted to go so we lost both of them. I probably should’ve re-approached my girl later on when Kevin wasn’t with me.

The married girls got me to approach a group of two girls walking by. I did and they just walked away. They got me to approach another girl down by the dance floor. I got brutally rejected and physically pushed away. Don’t think that’s ever happened before.

I take some time to recover from that one then the married girls get Kevin and I to approach a couple of blonde girls nearby. After the last few, I wasn’t expecting this one to go too well. Surprisingly, they responded pretty well. One was English and the other was Scottish. The English girl was absolutely stunning. Would have been interesting to see how this one would’ve gone if I’d been in a good state. As it was, the interaction stalled out as I ran out of things to say. The English girl said they were going to get drinks and would talk to us later but I didn’t see her.

Didn’t do much after that one. Talked to the married girls a bit more but at that point I think I’d mentally given up on the night. I definitely let my emotions, the environment and those bad reactions get the better of me. Went home before 1am.

It was tough getting those rejections. It’s been a long time since I’ve got any rough rejections at all. Then last night there were three of them. I need to control my emotions and not take them personally but that’s hard sometimes. Not sure if the rejections were because I was in a bad state or because the girls were just rude and in a bad mood. That club does attract a lot of bitchy girls.

I have to accept that as long as I keep doing this stuff, there will be rough nights like that one. The important thing is not to identify with it, take the lessons away and move on. I’m still the same guy who’s had some crazy success over the last few months. I also need to stop attaching so much self worth to how good I am at this. I should be proud of myself for just taking action, that’s the only thing I can fully control.

BTW, does anyone have any ideas how I could back up this journal? Besides going through and copy pasting every post. It would really suck if ALL forums were to shut down, or a mod decided to delete my thread and I lost all the stories in here.

 

[bender22]

Thursday night

Didn’t go out last weekend because I’d been sick and wanted to fully recover. But I did have a second date with one of the girls I met a while back, which went pretty well.
Thought it would be a good idea to go out Thursday night to get some quick practice in before Friday/Saturday. I saw a girl I’d met a few times before when I first arrived at the bar. Spoke to her a bit, she told me her other friend who I’ve met a few times as well was coming soon. I saw the friend later on, who seemed happy to see me.

Approached a group of two girls which actually went pretty well for my first proper approach of the night. I did well to keep hanging in there until they realised I was cool and they wanted to talk to me more. I told them I was going to grab my friend Kevin. When I got Kevin and took him over to meet the girls, I got lazy and just stood around.

One of the other guys wanted to approach a group of 3 or 4 girls at a table. I talked to them first and it went okay but I couldn’t really get into it. Had a few more during the night that went okay but fizzled out pretty quickly. This is probably a result of not going out for a while. Happened again on my next one when I talked to a couple of girls by the dancefloor. I talked to them quickly then just stood around hoping something would magically happen.

Probably my best one of the night was a girl near the bar who appeared to be talking to a guy. I was walking near her and made eye contact with her. I approached her, ignoring the guy who was talking to her. She thought she recognised me from somewhere. I talked to her for a few minutes trying to figure out where she might have met me. Then she said she was getting a drink and just turned around to the bar. Often, I’d just give up here and leave. But she’d shown enough interest for me to keep persisting, plus she was probably the best looking girl I talked to all night.

I kept talking to her while she got her drink. Even though I was doing pretty well and there’s no doubt she was somewhat attracted to me, I think it just wasn’t quite enough. Not having much momentum behind me, I probably didn’t have the confidence and trust in myself that I needed here. After she got her drink she took off with her friends. I saw her a few more times and she smiled at me. Should have re-approached her but I didn’t.

Had a few more quick interactions that didn’t go anywhere. Went home at 12 because I had work in the morning. Probably did about seven approaches during the night. Not too bad considering I was only out for two hours and it was just a warm up night.

I was looking forward to going out on Friday because there was a new club opening up and there were going to be loads of people. But unfortunately something tragic happened in my city and I didn’t feel like going out after that. I really want to have a good night tonight. It’s almost a month since I’ve had a night out where I wasn’t sick and didn’t have to go home early.

Few things I need to work on tonight. Do at least three approaches every hour. Often times I will do several approaches within an hour but then I go a long time without doing any approaches which is when I get inside my head and lose momentum. I need to be approaching consistently throughout the night. I also need to make sure I’m staying positive throughout the night. My best nights are always when I’m in a good mood and a positive mindset. Finally, I need to be more proactive about staying in my interactions. I can’t expect the girls to do all the work, I have to take responsibility for holding the interaction.

Edit: Might post this up too. I've started using the following template to analyse 2-3 of my interactions every night. These were two from Thursday night:

Context
Part of night (First part or second part): First
Time in Set: Less than five minutes
Set type (two set, mixed set...): two set
Brief Summary of the interaction: Approached two girls at the start of the night, asking what they think of Kanye West. Didn't get a lot of interest initially but just enough for me to keep persisting. Brought Kevin in to interaction, then stood back and did nothing until I left. One girl (or both?) lived across the street.

Evaluation
Why couldn't I close the deal? Didn't hold the interaction when Kevin came in. Early in the night. Didn't have closing mindset.
How could I have overcome that obstacle? Either don't bring anyone else into the interaction or I could've told Kevin to only talk to the uglier girl so I could focus on the target. Could have got targets number and met up later in night.
Thoughts/notes: Could have used Kevin as an opportunity to separate the two girls so I could have focused on my target instead of making it a group interaction. Don't ever stand back and be a spectator.
Things I did well:

1. Good first set of the night
2. Persisted despite them not showing a great deal of interest initially.
3. Talked to both girls

Things I could improve:

1. Talking to the girls individually when I have a wing in set with me
2. Need a closing mindset. If they lived across the street, this could've been an ideal opportunity to close the deal but that didn't even really occur to me at the time, probably because I was in a warmup/practice mindset where I wasn't even thinking about closing the deal.
3. Re-approach - should have re-approached these girls later in the night.


Context
Part of night (First part or second part): First
Time in Set: ~5 min
Set type (two set, mixed set...): 1 set
Brief Summary of the interaction: Approached girl who appeared to be talking to another guy because she was making eye contact with me and looked like she recognized me. Girl was showing interest and being physical (touching me on the shoulder, arm...) Lost her after she got her drink. She seemed to lose interest when I told her my age but may have just been testing me.

Evaluation
Why couldn't I close the deal? Didn't stay in set, didn't trust in myself to maintain conversation and attraction
How could I have overcome that obstacle? Keep persisting until I blow out or something happens.
Thoughts/notes: Started to run out of things to say/filter myself too much. Didn't worry about the guy she was talking to, just approached like he wasn't even there
Things I did well:

1. Approached while she was talking to a guy
2. Acted quickly/instinctively in response to her eye contact
3. Persisted after she ejected from interaction to get her drink

Things I could improve:

1. Less filtering my words
2. Could have been way more physical, considering she was being physical herself. Like Paul said, be at least 2x as physical as the girl
3. Try pushing her away -when she said she was only 18, I could've said we wouldn't get along, you're too young.... May have worked well because she was already somewhat invested.

 

[bender22]

Saturday

Felt good to have a big night of taking action again. Wasn’t a spectacular night in terms of results but I still had fun and did probably more approaches than I’ve ever done in a single night. I think when I’m not going out consistently, I become less socially attuned which was reflected in my lack of results last night.

I met up with Patty and some other guys at a bar early in the night for Patty’s birthday. Talked to a guy and girl behind me as I was lining up to get in the bar. Good way to build some social momentum at the start of the night.

Didn’t really do too much approaching while I was at Patty’s birthday. I did talk to some girls Patty had approached and approached a couple of girls myself which went well but they were just about to leave. The real fun began after 12 when I went to another club to meet some of the other guys. This is when I started following the three approaches per hour rule I mentioned yesterday. It worked pretty well.

I probably approached 15-20 girls in total, many of which I don’t really remember.I’ll go through the most memorable ones. I’d found a rose on the ground which I picked up so I could give it to a special girl. There was a group of about 5-6 girls I saw and one of them had her own rose. I pointed out to her that my rose was bigger and better. Had some fun banter with her and a few of her friends. I could probably handle bigger groups like this better. I think it’s good to at least say hello to everyone in the group but then you probably need to choose one and focus on her and ideally separate her from the rest of the group if possible. That’s probably where I went wrong in this interaction, I didn’t commit to just one girl. Eventually I could see it wasn’t going anywhere and left.

There was one really cute girl I’d seen a few times during the night and thought she was looking at me. The third time I saw her, we just about walked straight into each other. I told her I’d got her a rose. She liked it and was very receptive. One funny thing about this one was there was a bouncer near us who was sort of winging me. He said to the girl ‘if you take the rose you have to give him your number.’

It was actually going super well and I was almost certain I would get her number at the very least. Her friend wanted to go inside to dance and my girl asked me if I wanted to come. I went inside with them, then the friend wanted to go into the bathroom, probably to have a ‘girl talk’ with my girl. My girl sort of hesitated then followed the friend into the bathroom. I should have told her to stop before she went into the bathroom and got her number but instead I just stood by watching. I didn’t want to look needy by just waiting outside the bathroom for them to come out so I found some people to talk to nearby, hoping my girl would come back to me. Didn’t see her again I’m certain she liked me but the friend didn’t want anything to happen.

I said to one of the other guys let’s approach two girls together and only try to amuse ourselves throughout the interaction. We saw two girls standing near us and approached them. I went in with no intention of trying to pick them up and just messing around for my own amusement. But when I spoke to them, one of the girls recognised me and it turned into just a regular interaction between me and her. I was going really well with this girl, meanwhile my buddy was sticking to the original plan of self amusement with the other girl. Unfortunately I think his self amusement scared the other girl who dragged my girl away. If I’d been playing to win, I would’ve stopped my girl as she was being dragged away and asked for her number, which I’m pretty certain I would’ve got. Unfortunately, I wasn’t playing to win and let her get dragged away.

I still had the rose when I left and was walking back to my car. I saw a girl walking ahead of me and caught up to her and told her I’d been looking for her all night so I could give her the rose. She thought it was hilarious. Went pretty well but she was with a friend and a guy who was her sister’s boyfriend or something. The guy was pretty drunk and seemed like a loose cannon so I got away from them.

-Not playing to win was a pretty common theme throughout the night. There were a lot of girls I approached who responded alright but stalled out quickly because I didn’t persist at all. I think the main reason I don’t persist is because I’m afraid of looking needy or desperate. I think the other reasons I don’t persist and play to win when I should are: 1. I’m afraid of getting a ‘no’ and 2. I still lack trust in myself/confidence in my own ability to handle the situation. I think I’m happy to just let the interaction stall out or let the girl walk away because I don’t have the trust that I can hold the interaction and maintain the attraction if she stays. Not exactly sure how to fix this.

-I need to give myself more credit for taking action. I didn’t feel bad after last night but I definitely didn’t have the same sense of satisfaction I have after a night where I get numbers or makeouts… Which is the better night…..a night where I do maybe 5 or 6 approaches and happen to find a few girls who like me and get a number and a makeout or a night where I really push myself to stick to the process, take action, approach 15+ girls but don’t get the results? I guess you could argue either way. I think the problem is I am relying too much on external results to feel good. I should be stoked for taking so much action last night. Taking consistent action is what I need to get to where I want to be. But instead of feeling stoked, I have a very neutral feeling today.

-The approach 3 girls per hour rule worked well. I think it’s important for me to make a mental commitment to taking action at the start of the night and creating a rule like that helps me to make that commitment. I ended up doing more than 3 approaches per hour for most of the night. The good thing about this rule is it ensures I continue taking consistent action throughout the night and there’s no long periods of inactivity (which is what often kills my night because I lose so much momentum). But it also allows some time to just chill out without feeling guilty for not taking action (as long as I’m sticking to the rule).

-There’s a lot of lessons I can take away from last night, especially because I did so many approaches. I think it’s extremely important to think deeply about the night as a whole and individual interactions and reflect on what I did well, plus what I could’ve done better. If you don’t take the time to properly analyse these things, you’re really shortchanging yourself and missing out on valuable lessons. If I can identify areas to improve and figure out what I need to change then I should be able to seriously shorten my learning curve. I’ll do my analysis of three interactions during the night and probably post that up on here later.

 

[Xpendable]

I think is fascinating the number of obstacles a person has to go through when fitting in becomes a conscious effort. Even when I think you rule yourself too much around how women see you, I admit I've been guilty of this too. I'm no a fan of "predetermined hookups", but then again, what else can you do when socialisation doesn't come naturally in someone. You're getting out there. I personally hate bars and clubs, but after that the realm of places when you can chat openly with strangers becomes minimum.

Question: It is you who always makes the approach?

 

[bender22]

I think is fascinating the number of obstacles a person has to go through when fitting in becomes a conscious effort. Even when I think you rule yourself too much around how women see you, I admit I've been guilty of this too. I'm no a fan of "predetermined hookups", but then again, what else can you do when socialisation doesn't come naturally in someone. You're getting out there. I personally hate bars and clubs, but after that the realm of places when you can chat openly with strangers becomes minimum.

Question: It is you who always makes the approach?

For me, it's not so much that fitting in takes any conscious effort any more. What I'm trying to achieve now is beyond just fitting in. I want to really master this area of my life and create my ideal dating and social life. And yes, there are a lot of obstacles to that, just like there are going to be obstacles for anybody who wants to master something in their life.

Yeah it is almost always me who does the approach. There have been a few occasions where the girl has initiated the interaction but that doesn't happen too often. Then sometimes one of my buddies will do the approach and I'll join in.

 

[Xpendable]

For me, it's not so much that fitting in takes any conscious effort any more. What I'm trying to achieve now is beyond just fitting in. I want to really master this area of my life and create my ideal dating and social life. And yes, there are a lot of obstacles to that, just like there are going to be obstacles for anybody who wants to master something in their life.

Thanks for your answer. As for mastering something, I really hope that if you succeed you can look back and feel that it was worth it. There's nothing worse than achieving a goal and at the end just get a sense of emptiness. I also have my issues with validation. I wish I didn't care what women think of me; or people in general. To have to modify my behavior to be liked by people who never had to modify theirs.

 

[Batman55]

For me, it's not so much that fitting in takes any conscious effort any more. What I'm trying to achieve now is beyond just fitting in. I want to really master this area of my life and create my ideal dating and social life. And yes, there are a lot of obstacles to that, just like there are going to be obstacles for anybody who wants to master something in their life.

Not be a negative Nelly, but the impression I get from you is that perhaps your *initial* social difficulty wasn't so bad.. my guess is that your social skills don't fit the "piano" analogy. You had those piano-playing skills (as an analog for social skills) already, just like most people--except you had trouble getting yourself to sit down and play. It seems like you pretty much corrected that tendency by now.

But what about folks who simply didn't have any musical gift (analogy, as before) or all they have to play with is a broken piano?

As you may have suspected, I really do think what's holding most of us back here is a lacking social ability.. broken down further, a lack of social insight, poor timing, slow response time in conversation, incorrect posture/expression.