Sex after marriage out-dated?

[meekthoughts]

Havn't you heard? Religion isn't cool anymore. And with divorce rates as high as they are, what is the point in waiting? Why not wait for the second or third marriage? =P Nowadays it's more like "sex until marriage" ya know.

That is the general thought process nowadays me thinks. So yup, I think it might be out-dated. Its all personal preference though so whatever you want is cool dood. Just don't limit yourself to only the ones who also saved themselves. Your potential dating pool would then be really small...or really really young :O

I'm not religious at all. I'm more of a believer in science, but of course I don't think of sex as just a reproductive process either. And you make a really good point of not limiting myself to those like me, though it would be doubly awesome if it were that case. Young, huh? (kidding. I feel like I have to point that out because nobody ever gets my jokes).

I think the same way. I would like to give my virginity only for the person to who I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

First and last.

Hurray, another person who thinks the same way! Best of wishes to you.

[...] There is no guarantee that that will ever happen. It's wishful thinking. Worst case you hit menopause, still a virgin, will never have kids, have worse chance than ever to find someone. I'm not saying we should all "just settle" with someone, but if you find something good, don't ruin it over something so trivial.

Wow, that really is the worse case scenario. >_<;; I'm pretty sure before I get to the menopause stage, I'll go crazy and let reproduction take over my control. If I do meet someone very special, I'll probably have a hard time withholding sex myself if it might ruin the relationship... we'll see if my conviction breaks or not.

Waiting is nice and helps with building a relationship. I'm a moral relativist, but my wife is a Christian and it was important for her to wait. I've never regreted it and I still see it as a valuable experience.

A nice thread, meekthoughts

I'm very glad it worked out well for you! It gives me some reassurance that everything doesn't go downhill from here.

[...] But I wouldn't go as far as to say that someone who it is a deal breaker for isn't worth your time.

Very true, and I'll try to keep this in mind. I think I won't mention it to them until we've grown more close because perhaps he might be more willing to wait now that he's gotten to know me. Or maybe he might change my mind. Either way, I know I can't really blame him for whatever he chooses to decide.

[...] I think that in the western world, overall, waiting until marriage is outdated, and very few people do that.[...]

[...]I don't think "romantic" is set by whether or not you have sex before marriage, but by whether or not you have sex with the right person.[...]

I think maybe part of the reason I've developed this mindset in the first place is because my family is a little bit traditional in a Chinese way. We all have the same idea of no sex until after marriage. My eldest brother is about to get married and (as for as I know) he and his wife are both waiting it out. Then again, I'm really not interested in my brother's love life so I can only guess..... But I know that my parents were each other's first and last and I have always envied them.

I agree with your second quoted statement. I know in the general meaning of marriage and how it is treated nowadays, I shouldn't judge whether to have sex based on marriage since it holds almost no meaning. Perhaps if I were born a century or two ago...

Just throwing a modest opinion out there,

If you wait until your married what if you realize that you guys have little vibe. Sex, although not the base of a relationship by any means, is indeffinitley important for my mental/physical/spiritual health.

The idea is extremely meaningful to whoever is worthy enough to embrace you, but I personally feel as if were talking marriage-I want the security of bomb *** passionate sex for the rest of my life.

What you say is true. I am worried about that too, but seeing as I've never had sex before, I can't really judge yet how important this factor is to me. At the same time, if such a thing is important to my partner and not in a sex-crazed way, of course I will take that into consideration. I'm not sure though, can two people be so extremely incompatibly bad at sex that they will never get better together no matter how much they try?

After my last experience sexually I really started to think I'm not opening my legs again till someone has married me. Seems like a throw away comment I know I'm sorry but its how I started to feel.

It's very reasonable and justified to feel that way. I'm not trying to say "join me in my corner and let's become a cult" or anything, but just do whatever feels right to you. Haha, but I'm only 18 so I don't think I can really give any advice.

I don't think it's outdated at all. I think it's very attractive for the simple reason that someone (1) has a belief, and (2) is disciplined and determined enough to stand by that belief.

I think that's one of the biggest things I don't like about people--that they don't stand by their word, thoughts or beliefs. If a person you meet doesn't look at it this way and admire your strength and commitment, they might not be worth marrying anyways.[/align]

Thank you, I sort of needed that support. I'm not sure if I'm disciplined but I am trying. But loneliness has been known to manipulate people in various ways... I hope that doesn't apply to me.

wow, don't meet many girls like you anymore haha. i think it's respectable, however what if you find out that the sex between you and your husband sucks and he is unable to satisfy you? you are already stuck together, unless you plan on divorcing.

I like being a rare breed. If it does suck between us, I'll do whatever we need to get better. I don't mind watching videos together and experimenting to improve. I will feel very bad if it's my fault though.. :shy:


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Wow, that was long... I don't blame anyone if they don't read everything I wrote above. I just like replying to as much people as I can who take the time to reply to me. I'm glad I'm not getting any derogatory remarks and everyone is truly kind. I hope I'll meet real life friends just like you guys.

 

[Kat]

If you feel this strongly about it, and you would want the person to wait years, you should be upfront and honest about it because most people will expect it sooner than that, even the people who don't do it casually.

 

[meekthoughts]

If you feel this strongly about it, and you would want the person to wait years, you should be upfront and honest about it because most people will expect it sooner than that, even the people who don't do it casually.

I suppose I should.. It's a very hard thing to just be upfront about. "I like you! Will you be my boyfriend? By the way, I don't want sex before marriage." >__>;; Well that's overly simplified but you get the idea.

 

[Kat]

It's a hard thing to be upfront about because you're uncomfortable talking about sex or you're afraid of rejection, or both. Otherwise the person may start to initiate something, eventually, and be put off by your reaction.

 

[meekthoughts]

It's a hard thing to be upfront about because you're uncomfortable talking about sex or you're afraid of rejection, or both. Otherwise the person may start to initiate something, eventually, and be put off by your reaction.

Haha, both reasons are valid in my case. To be honest, I'm surprised I even started this thread because I have probably said the word "sex" about 5-10 times in my entire life. Now I've said it repetitively in this thread which is a record... But in any case, you are right. It's almost the same as not telling a person that you've been divorced before dating them - it's not a lie if he never asked but it's something you definitely need to mention from the start. Thank you for giving me valuable advice.

 

[Limlim]

Wow, no way I could do that.

But that might also have something to do with the fact that I wouldn't marry someone until I had been with them at least 3 years, so waiting would be somewhat unrealistic. Another factor to consider is during earlier times when people did wait for marriage, they got married a lot earlier in their lives, as in almost everyone hooked up in their early 20s at the latest. These days we take our time and get married much later.

 

[kamya]

WTF adsense?!?

 

[meekthoughts]

Wow, no way I could do that.

But that might also have something to do with the fact that I wouldn't marry someone until I had been with them at least 3 years, so waiting would be somewhat unrealistic. Another factor to consider is during earlier times when people did wait for marriage, they got married a lot earlier in their lives, as in almost everyone hooked up in their early 20s at the latest. These days we take our time and get married much later.

Oh yeah, that's true. I take back my statement about wanting to be born centuries ago then... plus I'd probably have no chance at a science-related job and be stuck as a housewife, but that's besides the point. It's funny since we do take our time nowadays relative to the past, but we often say that people rush into getting married as well. I suppose the "rushing" part is only knowing each other for a short time before getting married and not to do with age.

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WTF adsense?!?

Where did that come from?! I don't see the image myself (adblocker probably). But I do see the word "ADVERTISEMENT" under some messages. How do you get rid of that?

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

I believe marriage is a bond that you shouldn't enter into unless you can get along with your partner in every way. That includes sex. No matter how different people may view it, sex is an important aspect of a functioning relationship, and not having that before marriage just seems like a bad idea to me. Marriage is supposed to be a bond for life (that doesn't stop people from viewing it as something much more simple though), and in my opinion that is the final bond you can craft with another person, after you've made sure you and your partner are compatible with each other in every other aspect.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I wouldn't mind it in an ideal world.

 

[Drama]

I think the same way. I would like to give my virginity only for the person to who I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

First and last.

Hurray, another person who thinks the same way! Best of wishes to you.

+ me

 

[meekthoughts]

I believe marriage is a bond that you shouldn't enter into unless you can get along with your partner in every way. That includes sex. No matter how different people may view it, sex is an important aspect of a functioning relationship, and not having that before marriage just seems like a bad idea to me. Marriage is supposed to be a bond for life (that doesn't stop people from viewing it as something much more simple though), and in my opinion that is the final bond you can craft with another person, after you've made sure you and your partner are compatible with each other in every other aspect.

What you say makes perfect sense, which is why I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way and impose my ideas on them. I'm not sure about getting along in every way though, as that is very hard in reality. And if the sole reason for a marriage not to work out is sex... I can't imagine how amazing it must be then. ^_^" For me, I'm pretty sure I can work around that, but maybe not for my partner. Who knows.

 

[Drama]

I think that if you and your partner love each other, sex wont be a problem. Chemistry is an illusion.

 

[Limlim]

That's not true Liley, case in point, it is chemistry which causes you to madly desire my body at every waking moment of your life!

.... I feel so used

 

[silver birch leaves]

I strongly disagree with Vagrant Legacy that you have to get along with your partner in every way. I used to think in this way too, but now I consider it as a bit too idealistic. People change, relationships are dynamic and develop constantly, and you may never know or understand your partner completely. A long-term relationship is like a lifetime project with unavoidable changes in its understanding, changes in attitudes and expectations, and all necessary adjustements.

I don't think your perspective on marriage and abstinence is old-fashioned. Decline of marriage (or its meaning) is not a new thing. Your individualism in approach to the subject makes your opinion radical and progressive. I, myself, share Equinox' stance regarding these matters.

I'm aware that finding a partner, who shares your view may be impossible. However, many people should still be able to wait and see your waiting until after marriage as a precious gift to them. Apart from that, there will be moments when for some reasons sexual life may be limited, and it's a good way to see whether your partner is ready for worse times as well. In my opinion, the ability to wait for someone or something can be seen as a sign of respect and love.

I guess that I'm trying to say: be yourself, stick to your values, and stay open to other possibilities

 

[Lawrens]

It's not really outdated, I'm not surprised if there're still a lot of people who didn't want to have sex until much later since it's a special/meaningful event to them.

Though I don't share the same opinion because I don't really value the concept of marriage all that much, but no I wouldn't be bothered if I date a person who doesn't want to have sex until later/marriage.

 

[meekthoughts]

It's not really outdated, I'm not surprised if there're still a lot of people who didn't want to have sex until much later since it's a special/meaningful event to them.

Though I don't share the same opinion because I don't really value the concept of marriage all that much, but no I wouldn't be bothered if I date a person who doesn't want to have sex until later/marriage.

Thanks, it means a lot to me hearing that from a male.

I guess that I'm trying to say: be yourself, stick to your values, and stay open to other possibilities

I think that's the most important thing I've learnt from posting this thread. I'm happy with my decision so I will stick by it, but I won't feel bound by it if my situation and feelings change. I love all you guys so much. >__<;; Hehe, I don't normally say that.... I hate getting emotional. :club: I blame mid-terms.

 

[Equinox]

I believe chemistry is very important in a relationship. Chemistry is what makes people attracted to one another. I have a few rather handsome male friends, but I wouldn't want to have sex with them, because I'm just not "feeling" it. This is why I (very gently) rejected one of said friends some years ago, even though he's a great guy in every way. (And also because of intimicay problems, but that's a different thread ...)

That's not to say two people can't develop chemistry over time, though, if they just decide to stay together no matter what. I've heard of practical marriages where those involved learned to love each other later on, chemistry and all. Humans are highly adaptable, and can usually adjust to almost anything - which is very fascinating.

I would just like to add that even though I don't value marriage for its religious purpose, I do value it for its symbolic meaning, and I do see the romantic appeal in "saving myself for the one love of my life". I once really did think I'd be a virgin bride, but alas; time has made me a little bit more cynical.

 

[Badjedidude]

Chemistry is an illusion.

I totally disagree!

I've had unbelievable chemistry with women that I couldn't STAND to be around. Chemistry is a LITERAL term, because it kinda has to do with pheremones and other biological attractants that flit between people. And I've experienced that before. There's this girl I used to know that was... well, she wasn't stupid... just ******* annoying to me. She had opposite views on everything, completely contrary and combative, just an all-around personality that rubbed against mine in the wrong way.

But every time we were around each other, I couldn't help breathing faster and paying more attention to her than anyone else... and her to me. I wanted to touch her and be around her and quite frankly, sometimes it was difficult not to just jump her bones right where we were standing. I'm fairly certain she reciprocated the feeling. I swear, at times I could feel an electric current between us... as lame and cheesy as that sounds.

But I ******* hated her. Couldn't stand her. Having a relationship with her wasn't an option at all because I KNEW that she would drive me nuts and it wouldn't be good for either of us.

Anyway... this is my long-winded way of giving an example of chemistry. This girl and I had nothing in common with our personalities and temperaments... but our BODIES were perfectly in tune. My body wanted hers, and vice versa. And it went completely against what my BRAIN wanted out of the situation.

...

Now, for the thread topic:

I understand the argument for abstinence quite well, and for most people I think it makes sense as something to aim for, because too many kids run around ******* everything in sight. And then they're surprised when it turns up they have gonorrhea or AIDs.

But...

I also understand (and agree with) the argument AGAINST abstinence. In my mind, it seems silly to sacrifice the memories you could have while putting off sex, HOPING for no reason at all that somehow your future partner will be an amazing lover without any practice at all. Sex is a skill; it takes practice to get really good at it.

Sure, I understand that it's a subjective thing. If a couple never has sex with anyone else and then marries as virgins and has sex only with each other... then yeah, they may feel that their sex is perfect for them. That's fine. I'm not gonna sit here and say that NO ONE should wait until marriage.

But for me... personally... I enjoy sex and I want the best I can have in a relationship with a woman. Maybe I'm jaded because I've been with good lovers and bad lovers. Or maybe it's because I've already HAD sex outside of marriage, and I don't believe in the whole "re-purify yourself" movement or whatever. Perhaps my mind is ****** up... but I wouldn't be able to remain "pure" until marriage. I'd always be wondering if they were any good.

Would you buy a car without giving it a test drive?

Why the **** would you MARRY someone if you had no idea how they were sexually? I'm pretty sure that a LARGE number of marriages fail due to problems with sexual intimacy/ability.

 

[Peter Lorre]

I think it's an admirable goal.

I also can't see any reason why two people who haven't had sex before their marriage, wouldn't be able to get good at making love when they work at it together and remain patient. Everyone's different anyway and not everyone likes the same things in bed, so past experience might be somewhat useless sometimes.

It's all about being passionate for eachother, patient and willing to experiment/learn.