Sex after marriage out-dated?

[silver birch leaves]

Chemistry is an illusion.

Would you buy a car without giving it a test drive?

Oh, yes, chemistry is important, but still not as powerfull as reasoning without which we wouldn't be able to discriminate between a car and a car toy, or decide for one at all; a sort of neverending test drive

 

[freedom]

personally, i don't believe in marriage, so i don't believe in what you're saying. i can see where you're coming from though, because as someone that grew up in a Christian household, that is the belief that is held.

BUT... i personally believe that sex should be had only between two people that actually care for and love one another. if there is a mutual caring and love between two people, then i don't see anything wrong with them expressing it intimately.

i don't think you're old-fashioned, but in todays fast-paced world, i do agree that you might find it hard to find someone like-minded.

 

[Ak5]

If you like her and she likes you, sure! I don't believe in doing it with someone you don't love; doesn't make any sense at all, the same as waiting for something that might not work out in the end.

I think it's been out-dated for centuries.

 

[Kataphractos]

For all my life, I've always been a strong believer in abstinence until after marriage. It's not really about romance and it's not that I think it will not be enjoyable either. I just don't want to do it with anyone other than the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Well, maybe it does have to do with romance.

Do many other people in this day and age think the same way, or am I way too old-fashioned? Would guys be steered away from dating me if they knew this? I know some of you will say that if he really cared for me, he would respect my decision. That works in the beginning of a relationship, but after dating for a while isn't it probable that he will start getting frustrated at me for waiting?

Despite this I still want to wait, but I don't want sex-until-after-marriage to ruin my chances of even getting to the marriage step in the first place. Am I in for a lot of disappointment? And if I do get into a relationship, should I tell him about this from the beginning?

Note: I respect your opinion, but if you would like to suggest not taking the abstinence route, please be civil about it.

Even Christians aren't waiting for sex anymore.

Since I'm not religious, I really don't see a need to wait for marriage for sex. I think maturity and knowing the consequences if things go wrong (ex. no protection/pregnancy, not knowing partner's sexual history, etc) are much more important. That said, I don't think 12 year olds should be having sex, but I don't see a problem with mature 16-17-18 year olds having sex (yes, I know, responsible teenagers is an oxymoron (don't kill me, any teenagers who might be reading )).

Will abstinence ruin your chances? Overall, no...but it will complicate things. Hate to say it, but abstinence isn't important to very many people outside, for the most part, the very religious (and even that's tenuous).

 

[beans]

I am a 28 year old female virgin. I am having a tough time with this. I am surrounded by girls and guys who are okay with having sex before marriage. And whenever I tell them I only want to have it when I get married, they laugh and belittle me saying I'm so naive and old fashioned. Like I just came out of a village or something. They say "Which era do you come from?"


I am not going to have sex just because I get taunted but I do wonder if there is a guy out there who shares the same sentiments as me?

I am not religious, I'm pretty much Agnostic or Atheist, it's just that I don't get hung up about sex and I'm more interested in getting to know someone really well than getting pleasured.

 

[Ak5]

That said, I don't think 12 year olds should be having sex, but I don't see a problem with mature 16-17-18 year olds having sex (yes, I know, responsible teenagers is an oxymoron (don't kill me, any teenagers who might be reading )).

Brb....Torch and pitchforks....

But seeing that I'm going to be 16 in a few months, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

But yeah I agree, responsible only (like me).

 

[annik]

After my last experience sexually I really started to think I'm not opening my legs again till someone has married me. Seems like a throw away comment I know I'm sorry but its how I started to feel.

It's very reasonable and justified to feel that way. I'm not trying to say "join me in my corner and let's become a cult" or anything, but just do whatever feels right to you. Haha, but I'm only 18 so I don't think I can really give any advice.

I'm glad you can see my point. I just felt betrayed and like I wanted some show of commitment before going there again. Of course marriage is no defence against getting betrayed. I know that all too well.

 

[meekthoughts]

I believe chemistry is very important in a relationship. Chemistry is what makes people attracted to one another.
[...]
That's not to say two people can't develop chemistry over time, though, if they just decide to stay together no matter what. I've heard of practical marriages where those involved learned to love each other later on, chemistry and all. Humans are highly adaptable, and can usually adjust to almost anything - which is very fascinating.

I think if I love my partner as a love interest rather than a good friend, chemistry is most likely the distinguishing factor (like in your anecdote), and hopefully that also contributes to the sexual chemistry too. Humans are adaptable, arguable more so subconsciously than consciously, but still. Of course, like everything else, it depends on the person.

I also understand (and agree with) the argument AGAINST abstinence. In my mind, it seems silly to sacrifice the memories you could have while putting off sex, HOPING for no reason at all that somehow your future partner will be an amazing lover without any practice at all. Sex is a skill; it takes practice to get really good at it.
[...]
Why the **** would you MARRY someone if you had no idea how they were sexually? I'm pretty sure that a LARGE number of marriages fail due to problems with sexual intimacy/ability.

Just so you know, I did read your entire post thoroughly, but I just want to comment on the above. I don't hope at all that my future partner will be amazing in bed. I'm not someone who thinks that the first kiss or sex will be amazingly wonderful and inserts images of flowers for the heck of it. I actually expect both to be completely awkward, but that's where practice comes in. It's not like the first time is the be all to end all - it's just the beginning!

I don't think the marriages that fail due to sex is usually the case where they wait until after marriage. On the contrary, it might be because their relationship was more or less built on sex and married each other because of the intimate feeling. I'm not trying to generalize though. People are mostly rational enough to consider a multitude of things, including their sex life, before marrying their partner.

Thanks for taking the time to reply with such a long post. I do see where you are coming from.

I think it's an admirable goal.

I also can't see any reason why two people who haven't had sex before their marriage, wouldn't be able to get good at making love when they work at it together and remain patient. Everyone's different anyway and not everyone likes the same things in bed, so past experience might be somewhat useless sometimes.

It's all about being passionate for eachother, patient and willing to experiment/learn.

Thanks, I agree. How many different kinds of things can you even do in bed anyways... (don't answer that). >__>//;

personally, i don't believe in marriage, so i don't believe in what you're saying. i can see where you're coming from though, because as someone that grew up in a Christian household, that is the belief that is held.

It sort of saddens me that whenever people think of waiting until after marriage for sex, they think of religion. It's not that religion is a bad thing, but I was hoping that people would decide to wait on their own accord without religious influence. Even if it's not to wait after marriage (since marriage may not mean that much any more) but wait until they are sure that person is whom they will spend the rest of their life loving. Even my parents never told me to wait - they respect whatever decision I make (as long as I don't sleep around too much).

If you like her and she likes you, sure! I don't believe in doing it with someone you don't love; doesn't make any sense at all, the same as waiting for something that might not work out in the end.

I think it's been out-dated for centuries.

I'm a girl, but yeah. I think a majority of people who have sex with their lover, they really do think they love them at the time. A relationship like that still doesn't always work out though. That's why as an alternative to waiting until marriage, I say "until it's someone I will spend my life loving" rather than "until I find someone I love." But it's hard to figure something like that out, so I wait until marriage where you're legally bounded as well.

Even Christians aren't waiting for sex anymore.

Since I'm not religious, I really don't see a need to wait for marriage for sex. I think maturity and knowing the consequences if things go wrong (ex. no protection/pregnancy, not knowing partner's sexual history, etc) are much more important.

Again, I'm not religious. xD; What you're saying is fair. If two people mutually want to have sex and they fully informed, then I say go ahead. Just not with me.

I am a 28 year old female virgin. I am having a tough time with this. I am surrounded by girls and guys who are okay with having sex before marriage. And whenever I tell them I only want to have it when I get married, they laugh and belittle me saying I'm so naive and old fashioned. Like I just came out of a village or something. They say "Which era do you come from?"

I am not going to have sex just because I get taunted but I do wonder if there is a guy out there who shares the same sentiments as me?

I really like how you don't let those people get to you and stick to your own values. I'm a lonely girl, so even if people around me think it's stupid to wait, it's not like they know my thoughts and therefore can't mock me. But if they did, I want to be able to think just like you.

I'm glad you can see my point. I just felt betrayed and like I wanted some show of commitment before going there again. Of course marriage is no defence against getting betrayed. I know that all too well.

*hug*

------------------------------------

...I had something to add on, but I forget... I hate my memory.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I don't feel like reading this whole thread. So I will reply to the first post.

I say each to their own. For me a healthy active sex life is required for marriage. The main reason being women can use abstinence against you. After all, you had a relationship without sex before you were married. Why do you have to have so much sex now that you are married? That is logic that is used against men all the time. When a woman says this kind of stuff to me. It is a red flag that she has no problem using sex as a weapon. This is a scumbag thing to do. I despise anyone who would.

I believe sex before marriage is a requirement because sex releases hormones and chemicals that help you relax. If you are not acting on these impulses. You start to become irrational and impulsive. It is no different than entering into a discussion already angry. The anger causes you to overlook details you would otherwise catch with a level head. When you are sexually satisfied you can see the person for who they are. You don't have those annoying hormones covering up stuff for you.

To answer your question, I am sure you will find someone. There are plenty of men out there who tell themselves the same lie. There are also plenty of men who will get their fill on the side. So you are not going to be alone as long as you try.

I think you should wait until the guy first tries to seduce you to tell him. If you are blunt on the first date you will likely kill the mood and lose the guy. So I would not say anything till it is an issue.. Then be upfront and blunt.

 

[Skorian]

I don't think marriage was ever what people want to believe it was. Many people were miserable. A huge amount of what really happened with peoples lives was repressed and hidden. Probably things have always been simular as today, people just talk about it now. People tended to lie about reality alot more so as to appear to fit in with what few actually did.

You will have no idea what you are missing out on. You will want to find some man who is basically sexless. Might be a good idea to give up on the idea of really having sex at all since you must not really want it. A desire for virginity is largely just a fetish and so you will end up with someone who is sort of a freak.

Perhaps you don't really have an interest in men? How would you even know?

 

[meekthoughts]

I don't think marriage was ever what people want to believe it was. Many people were miserable. A huge amount of what really happened with peoples lives was repressed and hidden. Probably things have always been simular as today, people just talk about it now. People tended to lie about reality alot more so as to appear to fit in with what few actually did.

You will have no idea what you are missing out on. You will want to find some man who is basically sexless. Might be a good idea to give up on the idea of really having sex at all since you must not really want it. A desire for virginity is largely just a fetish and so you will end up with someone who is sort of a freak.

Perhaps you don't really have an interest in men? How would you even know?

Skorian,

That's a good point. I think I might be more optimistic because the married couples that I know of in my family are all very happy to this day and don't regret waiting. So I know the chances of me being happy and successful with my decision are low, at least it's still possible. I'd like to hang onto that hope.

Hmm... a fetish? I don't think it's like that, at least not in my case. It's not really irrational or anything to want to wait. A love for sucking people's toes though... that's a fetish that I completely do not understand. But to each their own.

I have had intense feelings for some guys before, though I wouldn't say any of them were love. And there are plenty of women/men who love their partner a lot but may not like sex. It doesn't mean anything about your sexuality. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I thought this thread would die out by now.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I have a fetish for virginity, and this makes me a freak.

 

[Limlim]

Watch enough Japanese **** and you really will see virginity as a fetish.

 

[meekthoughts]

Aww IO, you can never be a freak with whatever fetish you may have.

I...don't know what to say Limlim. o__O I think I'll just take your word for it...