Sexually Starved

[Oceanmist23]

I don't care so much about actual sex. Just want to be wanted and chased after and just...feel satisfied I guess.

I feel a little less of woman after each day passes it seems like. Cos...I HAVE a bf, even if it is long distance..

Yeah I'm glad at times...but at other times it makes me feel worse at the times that I don't feel very connected. Worse because...I can't just go off and find someone for the moment even if I wanted to, and I'm not talkin' about getting laid; just to even...be with, in that way. Then it'd be emotionally cheating. So it's like a feeling of being trapped but not knowing what to do because ultimately you don't want to permanently leave.

I dunno if I'm truly meant to be with him or if I'm just settling, or if I'm dating above myself....and after almost 5 years...I gotta know.

O_O ... 1 year ago you and I would've been twins.
I wish I could meet you IRL and talk, cos it sounds like you're feeling pretty much how I felt back then.

I have to ask you something because I'm curious as to whether I'm the only one experiencing this.
Have you ever had a sudden physical feeling of "I need intimacy"?
I've had that a couple of times. It's a physical feeling, hard to describe, kinda like your heart drops to your stomach for a couple of seconds. My brain instantly connects this with "I need intimacy", just like you know you're hungry when you feel hunger.
It doesn't have to be sex, just being close to someone physically or emotionally, and a hug from a friend or family member ain't gonna cut it. It has to be the kind of closeness you can only get from a partner.
Have you ever had this need as a physical feeling? Just wondering.

You said you "feel a little less of a woman after each day passes".
Would you say you feel more and more single even though you're not and cannot live 100% as single?
I used to feel as if I was single and trapped.
On one hand I had cravings for intimacy and spent most of the years on my own.
On the other hand I was in a long distance relationship of 5+ years and didn't allow myself to/wasn't interested in seeking intimacy from someone else.
Craving something you can't get but SHOULD get in a relationship is a horrible feeling.
As the time went I felt worse and worse, up until one day I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach and I thought to myself "what the hell am I doing?".
I had been in the same LDR for 5+ years and it was going nowhere. No change for the better in sight, only for the worse.
And that's when I realized that all the positive traits the guy had were traits I could find in most other guys too. He actually didn't have anything unique about his personality and we didn't share half of the things I thought we did. I tried communicating with him, but he wasn't interested. We weren't on the same level emotionally or intellectually.
I realized I was only with him because it began with me needing to feel loved by SOMEONE. I was 18 when we got together, and at that age I certainly didn't know exactly what I needed in a relationship. Through all those years of being exposed to what I DIDN'T need, I now know what I DO need, and I'm not going to settle for anything less. NOBODY should have to settle for less than what they need. People who do will either end up resenting their partner, or resenting themselves.

That day when it hit me and I thought wtf am I doing, it took me a whole year to finish the relationship because I was scared of being alone, scared of not being loved by anyone. So I stuck it out with the illusion that my doubts would magically disappear, trying to bury my needs and therefore I was only digging a deeper grave for myself. The last time I went to visit him I wasn't happy about seeing HIM, I was only happy about getting out of my flat for a week...
I guess I did end up emotionally cheating on him after that. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I did it because I needed to. With the intensity of the feelings I was having, I wasn't able to hold back. If I had held back, I would've denied myself happiness. When it happened I ended the relationship shortly afterward.

Well, that was me. Even though you and I have shared many of the same feelings,
we're not the same person and it's obviously up to you what you decide to do.

The important thing is that you're happy. If you're not happy, have a think about why you're not happy.

Ask yourself:
- What do I need in a relationship?
- What is important to me?
- Are my needs being met?
- What are the chances of my needs being met in my current relationship?
- Am I being honest with myself?

I'm not asking you to answer these questions on the forum.
Answer them for yourself, by yourself.

 

[Estreen]

Ocean, I feel like I have indeed just met my twin. e_e You seem to understand just about exactly how I feel.

I do have that "physical feeling" of wanting intimacy. Man, I couldn't find a right word to describe it before. That seems to hit it right on though.

Half of the time I do feel equivalent to a single person, then other days, it's not as bad.

I do/have communicate(d) with him, but it seems like my talking doesn't help much at all and is pointless. I haven't said anything lately because of this. I don't think it's because he doesn't care, but...he just doesn't know what to do about any of it. He doesn't know what to do or say, and I just feel like I've talked too much or am too open or whatever. I know all he'll really have to say is, "Uh huh" "Okay" or "And what would you like me to do?" Honestly, what I want him to do is just to move here already but I know that is impossible at this time. He still has another year of school left, after this one, and I think he said he wants to stay around in London til 2012, to be around for the Olympics. That's still 3 more years of this. Whilst that's not as long as I've already waited...I am getting so incredibly impatient, and I feel like I've already pushed myself so far and stretched myself so thin as it is.

I am (being honest with myself) a somewhat needy (romantically speaking) person. It doesn't have to be all about me, in fact, I don't mind being just outside of the spotlight, lol, but I need romance and a certain small dosage of attention. It's just the way I am, and it's proving very hard to change that, although I'm trying.

I feel like there's not enough spontaneity, no spark; it's all very lackluster where it shouldn't be. We are both in our prime years, we're not some old married couple (heck, we're not even engaged!) so why does it have to be like this? I've brought this up to him a few weeks ago and he was just all, "So what, we should go back to acting like newly-togethers?" That kinda pissed me off a little. It's not the worst thing in the world to act like "newly togethers" once in a while. So I told him no, there's a middle ground where we should be at. But again, nothing really came of that convo and it just kinda reverted back to me and meh. He always ends up making me feel like it's wrong to feel this way, or the way I think/feel is wrong. I end up feeling defective, although I'm sure that's not his intention.

It is so hard because I almost feel romantically bi-polar, and the back-and-forth of feeling good and "content" with it, to being discontent and thinking about a way to get out is just stressful and annoying. It makes me feel a little crazy after a while.

I'm trying to work on myself, thinking I've just got issues (which I know I do have some emotional issues) and I'm seeing a counselor currently, trying to get myself straightened out. I hope it helps things, but am not sure if this will help or not. I'd hate to throw 5 years away, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be, I guess.

Our 5th year anniversary was this Saturday, the 5th, btw. There was nothing special about it at all this year, either. I at least sent him an e-card and said Happy Anniversary. I also asked twice for a phone call, and have been asking recently for phone calls, but rather in vain I guess.

Ah well. Can't have everything you want, can you? ^^; Heh.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

you could do a test.

it has been 5 yrs and you are missing spontaneity, spark and romance and talking seems 'pointless' (i sure know that feeling) then maybe you could test him to see exactly what you mean to him.

i think you were the one that wrote about 'complacency' in a relationship in reply to something i had posted (i have a weak memory). maybe he has become a little complacent after 5yrs and knowing that you put most of the effort in has taken the comfortability road in the relationship.. that is, he gets to be showered with your attention and love without having to really do very much in return. maybe he has forgotten that a relationship is not all about what is comfortable/easy for him, or what he thinks is the 'right' way to run things ("you want us to go back to being newlyweds?") and if he does love/care for you he should make an effort to give you want you want/need to feel loved/cared for.. whether or not it 'makes sense' or 'seems right' to him is beyond the point.. at some level his heart has to do the talking and that invloves knowing what you want/need and making some sort of effort to show you he is trying to give that to you.

if he has no idea what you want, that is one thing. if you have told him what you want (it would be nice if they knew intuitively..) then he has no excuse to not try.. if he isnt trying then that is a pretty good sign it is over. you cant ressurect the vibe on your own.

so on with the test..

write him a letter detailing exactly how you feel. be honest and direct. try and make it balanced by outlining the good and the bad in the relationship in your view. you're right when you say we cant have it all, but you are also realising what things you cannot continue to live without and you shouldnt have to compromise on issues that hold heavy significance for you and your heart/soul needs in the partnership duet.

please dont doubt that there is anything wrong with you and you have to compromise your emotions just to 'be' with 'someone'. work from the platform of - what you feel is right and what you need is right and no matter how hard it may be you are strong enough to fight for what you want at the risk of losing what you feel you are settling for.

the punchline of the test: you have to break up with him. but not in a vicious, sledge hammer like way.. the idea is that you redefine your relationship by dissolving the 'couple' identity. you can tell him how much you do like/love him, that you want to remain close friends if he is willing, tell him of your hopes, desires, fears...etc.. whatever you want to say about what you think/feel, say it now.

you can say (if you like) that this doesnt have to be the end of your relationship with each other.. just a time to 'reevaluate' what is important in each others lives. a time to reflect on the relationship and the accompanying issues...

the idea is to do it with compassion (if you do truly like/love him as a human being at least) but with integrity and commitment to yourself and your needs as a woman/human.

this 'test' will 'break the contract' of being a 'couple' and hopefully make you feel less trapped and at the same time give you both time and space to rediscover what you both need... and you can stay in touch remaining friends if you wish.

the idea is that its a wake-up-call that things cant continue the way they have been.. you are the one who is giving and it sounds like you feel like you are getting 'burned'.

my only disclaimer is that i have never been in a long distance relationship.. otherwise it is all from personal experience.

good luck dude

 

[Oceanmist23]

That's interesting that you too have that physical feeling of wanting intimacy. Feels reassuring to know I'm not the only one, but I certainly wish we didn't experience it. It seriously sucks cos we're left with a craving we can't satisfy then and there :/

My talking didn't help much with the ex either. He also didn't know what to say or do, and often responded with "What do you want me to do?" and "I don't know, I just don't know". And the silence. Half the time the silence meant he was pissed off at me for feeling the way I felt, the other half he was too tired to care or too busy caring about something completely different than the fact that I was on the phone with him, giving him my undivided attention...

I wanted him to move to Norway, but he didn't want to give up his life in London for me. Fair enough, but then he couldn't expect me to give up my life in Norway for him. Unlike him, I actually tried. My patience had reached its limit. I put the effort in and I tried living in London with him for 1 year and 7 months. In the beginning it was nice to finally live with him, but after a while I started missing so many things about Norway, things London could never replace, like family, nature, fresh non-polluted air, non-chloride tasting non-oily drinking water from the tap, peacefulness, no stress, low crime etc.
And when he was going to the pub with his mates after work, I was often stuck in the flat on my own, in one of the biggest cities in the world, no family, no friends, with no possibility or even wanting to go out on my own due to all the crime in the evenings. At first I was happy that he had friends to go out with, but I soon ended up feeling left out. He often went to the pub with his mates, but rarely with me, even though he knew I liked going to the pub. He also rarely let me meet his friends even though I often asked, rarely took me to his mum's house even though I often asked, and he had FIVE sisters between age 17-35 and I never got a chance to get to know any of them. He didn't even care. So much for building a life in London...

I tried. It didn't work. I had to move back to Norway. And what happened 3 months after I had moved back? ----> "WTF am I doing?"... Back to square 1. No, make that square -1, because now I realized that if I couldn't handle living in another country, and he didn't even want to try, then the relationship was gonna go nowhere. I told him several times "What the hell is gonna happen? Are we gonna have a long distance relationship forever? Buy a house in Norway, get married, and you'll still be living in London cos of work and you'll visit me a few times a year??". It was doomed. Yet it took me a year from then to get out of that mess cos of fear of being alone/unloved.

I am a "romantically needy" person too. For me, I need romance, attention, and physical and emotional intimacy. But wait, who doesn't? I thought those needs were fundamental basics in a relationship for both parts? If we take that away, what kind of crappy relationships are we left with? Did I miss something?

Question: Why on Earth would you try to change something as fundamental as needing romance and attention in a relationship? You are not asking for your partner to buy you a tropical island. You are asking for the attention that EVERY good person rightfully deserves in EVERY relationship.

Half a year ago I said about my relationship: "There's hardly any excitement anymore".
In your post you said: "I feel like there's not enough spontaneity, no spark; it's all very lackluster where it shouldn't be."
To the best of my knowledge and experience, no relationship will always be like it was the day you fell in love with each other. People get more comfortable with each other and the adrenaline rush settles down.
However... To go long periods of time where the relationship has dulled down and no change is happening is enough to make anyone frustrated. To go years waiting for change without it happening, even though you're trying to make things happen, is frustrating and draining as hell. And it really is a slap in the face if you're the only one putting the effort in to make things better.
There's supposed to be two people in a relationship. It takes two to Tango.

He always ends up making me feel like it's wrong to feel this way, or the way I think/feel is wrong. I end up feeling defective, although I'm sure that's not his intention.

I was always to blame, even when I hadn't done anything wrong. I especially liked the "What do you want me to do? I don't think you're considering how hard I work so that I can visit you as much as I do". Errr...I didn't need a bf who would visit me for the rest of our lives. I needed a bf I could live in the same house as, among other things, and I didn't see that happening...

It is so hard because I almost feel romantically bi-polar

I remember that. It's very draining to be on that emotional roller coaster. *Hugs*

I'm trying to work on myself, thinking I've just got issues (which I know I do have some emotional issues) and I'm seeing a counselor currently, trying to get myself straightened out.

Everyone has an issue or two about something, and well done for trying to deal with the emotional issues you do have. But please, don't kid yourself here. If you think you got issues beyond those you actually have, then that's a self-destructive way of thinking. I did that and obviously I got nothing positive out of it.
You can work on yourself all you want, but at the end of the day if your partner doesn't work on himself, then nothing in your relationship is really gonna change (except maybe it will be easier for you to decide what you want).

IF you come to the conclusion that your relationship isn't going to work, then you're not actually throwing 5 years away. They were not a waste. You will without a doubt have learned some things about relationships and yourself, both good and bad, and it's valuable information for you to take with you for the future.

Good advice from P2TP btw

*Hugs*

 

[Estreen]

*hugs back*

Honestly, everything that you and P2TP have said are all good advice. I'm still weighing things out and trying to make sense of my feelings so I can make the best choice, but it's going to be hard, especially when we have "good days" like yesterday. It's nice (and a relief) to have good days but I don't let it fully cloud my mind either; I still try to keep everything in mind.

i think you were the one that wrote about 'complacency' in a relationship in reply to something i had posted (i have a weak memory). maybe he has become a little complacent after 5yrs and knowing that you put most of the effort in has taken the comfortability road in the relationship.. that is, he gets to be showered with your attention and love without having to really do very much in return. maybe he has forgotten that a relationship is not all about what is comfortable/easy for him, or what he thinks is the 'right' way to run things ("you want us to go back to being newlyweds?") and if he does love/care for you he should make an effort to give you want you want/need to feel loved/cared for.. whether or not it 'makes sense' or 'seems right' to him is beyond the point.. at some level his heart has to do the talking and that invloves knowing what you want/need and making some sort of effort to show you he is trying to give that to you.

Yes I was the one who wrote about complacency, and this is pretty much why. He's comfortable in how things work, and it's pretty much how he wants it, to my knowledge. He never asks me to call, or asks if I want to talk over the phone at all (I always am the one to ask about that) and we are a couple that used to talk on the phone every single day before he started uni. After he started going there, it's like he hates the phone now. I don't understand. He has free international calling available to him since his mom has a plan on her landline phone yet he doesn't want to take advantage of that. We both have built in microphones, yet he doesn't want to talk via that either.

No pictures, no cam, no voice to keep me going, not even on our anniversary. I know he's uncomfortable with cam and doesn't like pictures of himself, but come on! We're in a LDR; wtf else do we have? And I know he's not that uncomfortable with voice talk, as, like I said, we USED to talk everyday. Which, by the way, I don't expect it everyday because that's just way unrealistic and once he goes back to uni in a couple weeks from now, we'll both be busy again.

I just asked him why we don't really talk on the phone anymore and his excuse was, "I'm busy and try to sleep at a decent hour" I told him that was ********. He's not "busy" unless you consider constantly watching movies, playing video games, and listening to music "busy". Everytime I ask what he's up to, he never says he's "busy", it's always "nothin' much". Oh yeah, he sounds real ******* busy. And for "trying to sleep at a decent hour", he stays up way late, all through the summer, so where does that factor in? Why must he ******* lie to me? Or, if he thinks that's the truth, why does he think that? Ughhh!

This is what I told him:

"(11:43 AM) °єstrєєn°: how busy were you on our anniversary that you couldn't squeeze in a phone call?
I could've called you if needed
(11:44 AM) °єstrєєn°: I understand it's really tough when we're both in school, but you've been doing next to nothing over the summer
you've had plenty of time
(11:45 AM) °єstrєєn°: and you don't "try to sleep decently" very often
(11:47 AM) °єstrєєn°: No pictures, no voice, no anything. I go on cam for you from time to time, offer to call or ask you to call, have sent voice clips or go on a video call. You know what I sound like and look like. I get updated on what you sound and look like once a ******* year.
and that's not normal.
(11:48 AM) °єstrєєn°: and it's not right either
(11:49 AM) °єstrєєn°: So from now on, if you want to talk to me, you can call me as I don't feel like being on messenger all the time
(11:49 AM) °єstrєєn°: I gotta go now
ttyl
<3"

I'm honestly tired of it. Tired of the excuses, and tired of getting shafted when it comes to my feelings and needs. He treats it like we're in a regular relationship when we're not. An LDR requires MORE effort than a normal one. Whereas it's tough for me, I can (and DO) put in lots of effort, but he does the bare minimum (if that).

This probably explains my recent nightmare where I got stabbed in the heart by a strange man with a knife. A lot of the symbol meanings spoke to me.

Meh, I gotta get ready for school now.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

Why must he ******* lie to me?

This probably explains my recent nightmare where I got stabbed in the heart by a strange man with a knife. A lot of the symbol meanings spoke to me.

Meh, I gotta get ready for school now.

dude... first off, good vibes to you

for me these two things stand out the most.. the first suggests to me that your intuition knows that he is lying, or at least making lame excuses as to his lack of effort.. its not a very good sign regarding his priorities and where you weigh in on his 'importance' list.

with all the abundance of technology available it isnt hard, nor does it take much effort to check in and keep connected with someone. maybe he has the 'slug' gene.. lazy as? frankly its pretty weak imo.

your dream is very telling. protect your heart. dont invest more than you are willing to lose.

take care of yourself

 

[Estreen]

Thank you P2TP. You're right, it doesn't take a lot. I'm not asking him to spend every spare moment of his day glued to the phone or on cam/mic or something. Honestly? I'd be happy with one phone call a week during school season. It wouldn't be getting in the way but it would be often enough to keep us close.

We "talk" everyday...online. And by talk, I mean, "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "What did you do?" I understand there isn't always something to talk about so, that's why sometimes I'll make it a point to stay offline for a little while during the day, but then he gets upset about that sometimes and wonder where I am. It's like he wants me around so he knows where I am, I guess. I dunno.

your dream is very telling. protect your heart. dont invest more than you are willing to lose.

That is like, probably the perfect explanation of my dream. The symbols (mainly the killer and knife) point to problems either within myself or domestically, or feeling like a part of me or my emotions is being cut off, etc. So, that really sums it up well. =]

 

[Sonic_95]

I'm still weighing things out and trying to make sense of my feelings so I can make the best choice, but it's going to be hard, especially when we have "good days" like yesterday. It's nice (and a relief) to have good days but I don't let it fully cloud my mind either; I still try to keep everything in mind.

Although I have never been in a relationship, I completely understand how you feel. 5 years is a long time, and I'm sure that you have plenty of good memories during those years, and I know it's got to hurt now that things seem to be fading away.

Estreen, you are such a nice gal, and you deserve so much better than this. The fact that he won't even make the effort to go on the webcam on your guys' anniversary so you can see each other, or at least give you a call so you can hear each other's voice is just heartbreaking. If it were me, I'd want to se my partner and hear her voice on our anniversary just as much as she would.

I hope you really take these kind of things into consideration while you are weighing things out. If he is lying to you and making excuses now, what is he going to be doing a year from now?

I know 5 years is a lot to throw away, but on the other hand, you don't want to be unhappy and feeling like this another 5 years from today.

You said in an earlier post that the soonest he will probably be able to come here is 2012. As you said, LDR's are hard and require more effort than if he were present. If things keep going the way they are, that's 3 more years that you are going to have of unhappy times, loneliness, depression, and all of the other emotions that come with it. And by then, you will have been together for 8 years. I remember what you went through when he was out this summer, and if he does end up moving here and you end up together and things end up the same way, you are going to be that much more devastated.

I'm not trying to tell you that you should break up, but I do hope that you seriously take everything into consideration when you are weighing it all out. Things may get better, and I hope they do. But if he continues on the path he is on, or gets worse, I really hope that you don't continue to go on. It is only going to make you more and more unhappy and depressed. You deserve a happy life. And you deserve a partner who will take good care of you and make you feel appreciated.

 

[Estreen]

Thank you Sonic.

He just sent me an anniversary e-card today, a couple of minutes before I got home. He said (in the e-card message) sorry for it being so late but it was "hard trying to find a decent e-card". I found one on the day of our anniversary, and it only took me about 10 minutes in all. I can't believe it's taken him 3 whole extra days to find one. There's only so many sites to look through, and he used the same site he always does anyway.

Looks like another poor excuse to me. *sigh* At least he sent one, I suppose, but....eh. Sometimes I feel that maybe if I grew some buttons and a control pad, maybe I'd be a higher priority. Heh.