should depressed people date?

[stella]

every relationship i have had has been ruined by my depression, not only do i become a bore and a drag but i am unable to engage sexually. no matter how much i like the person i always seem to drive them away and i end up with a broken heart and unable to leave my bed for weeks. so my question is, should depressed people date? is it worth the hassle, the stress and the broken hearts?

 

[EveWasFramed]

every relationship i have had has been ruined by my depression, not only do i become a bore and a drag but i am unable to engage sexually. no matter how much i like the person i always seem to drive them away and i end up with a broken heart and unable to leave my bed for weeks. so my question is, should depressed people date? is it worth the hassle, the stress and the broken hearts?

It's a heartbreaking situation to be in actually, Stella. You want so badly for things to work out, but you KNOW that at some point, the other person is going to get very frustrated with the mood swings, depression, and whatever other negative emotions they are subjected to. Though a person might say to themselves, "if they loved me, they would be able to look over my plight and offer support and encouragement." The reality is that people don't want to be around people who are depressed all the time - it makes them miserable. It would take a VERY strong person, who was completely devoted to helping you, to stick around for any length of time. Those people are few and far between (IF they even exist). It might even be some sort of consolation if we could point the finger at the other person for abandoning us, but we can't. It's realistic that people want to be around people who are happy. It doesn't make them mosters - it makes them all too human.
I don't really have a specific answer to your question. I suppose it would depend on the severity of the depression. I've always said though, that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. It seems to be true in most cases. However, a lot of people aren't happy unless they're WITH someone else. So, I suppose it depends on the individual. I wish you luck.

 

[kelbo]

every relationship i have had has been ruined by my depression, not only do i become a bore and a drag but i am unable to engage sexually. no matter how much i like the person i always seem to drive them away and i end up with a broken heart and unable to leave my bed for weeks. so my question is, should depressed people date? is it worth the hassle, the stress and the broken hearts?

I think this is rather a silly question to be honest - it is nearly like me saying 'should depressed people have any friends?' or 'should depressed peoples' families stick around?' - Of course they should stick around, and of course they should have friends or date.

Being 'depressed' doesn't mean you are an alien - or can't form functional relationships. Yes at times side effects of being depressed can get in the way of some of those relationships - but not all of the time, I bet.

A lot of people with depression are lonely - surely finding a special someone who you can let your hair down with, so to speak, and just have fun with, regardless of your depression, is going to help a LOT?!

Isolating oneself and saying "I shouldn't date because I will just ruin things because of my mood" is setting yourself up for disaster and it is almost like pitying yourself.

You are never going to feel good if you don't try and let yourself be.

 

[Estreen]

The only way to learn and progress is to keep at it. I've suffered through mood swings and depression since I was a child, along with thought disorders and yes, at times it gets in the way, but I'm much better than I used to be. The only way I did it was to keep trying and change little things about me and learn how to cope in small, gradual steps, and having support from a guy who loves me, definitely has helped. As for the sex thing, the guy I'm with I told him at the beginning that I wasn't going to have sex until I was married, and 5 years later, he's still here. So the ones who will wait? They *do* exist. You just got to have patience and keep trying. Having someone around who you can be yourself with will only help you to grow.

 

[oarivan]

Absolutely. I don't because I fear another failed relationship but like a good little hypocrite I say you should give it time, test the waters and eventually you'll find the right lad.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

The rational part of myself who hates any sort of discrimination says, "Absolutely."

The part of myself who has watched my life deteriorate since my diagnosis and subsequent meds roulette and slews of ineffective treatment modules says, "Prudence is not such a bad thing."

One of my reasons for taking myself out of the dating cesspool is that I want to get a handle on my personal issues before adding a whole additional layer of complexity and potential stress to my life. In my view, it isn't exactly fair to bring someone new into my life and then possibly subject him to my wild ups and downs... even if he wants to be there. Sure, it's possible that he may love me so much that he feels he might be equipped to cope and *gasp* even help me through the dark times, but I can tell you that I would feel guilty and I am not sure that added guilt and the stress it brings along with it is worth it for me.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

be kind to yourself.

do you believe that you become a 'bore and a drag'? or has someone said this to you?

i get this feeling that people expect too much happiness from others. how often has anyone just been going about their business, maybe a little lost in thought, and been asked, "are you okay? is there anything wrong?" when in fact you werent feeling anything negative at all, just remaining 'straight faced'.

is there some sort of unwritten rule that we (humans) should be interesting and lively all the time? maybe whoever is bored around you it's because they don't know how to entertain themselves. 'you own your own boredom'. if my partner was bored with me or 'considered me a drag'. they could just as smeggin hell bugger off and join the circus.. maybe that would be exciting enough for them.

maybe if you can't engage sexually.. then don't pressure yourself to do so just so you can have 'someone'. idk, i'm not a therapist.. it seems though that there are other issues that you could focus on first. i don't want to delve or pry.. but are you 'okay' with yourself in this.. er.. arena.

prudence is a good thing x2

i see a lot of 'I WANT' from people. I WANT him to be like this. I WANT her to be like that.

Humans need to practice more acceptance and less arrogance.

be good to yourself.

 

[bloodyenigma]

If you are depressed even when you have the opportunity to be happy with someone it becomes very difficult to make a relationship work. Successful relationship partially depends on your partner in being understanding and patient. If you have issues and frustrations that stings you every now and then you must share them with your partner instead of locking them up inside. Unfortunately not everyone is patient enough to go through consistent depression from the other side so i suggest (if i may) that you figure out why you are so frustrated and date people who you can relate to.

 

[mr p]

I'm at the other end; I've been seeing this girl for a month now and it's great and all. She's happy when I'm around, but when she's home at night she gets depressed, stressed out, anxious. Having an IM conversation with her isn't fun at all when she's like that -- her mood affects me. Should I just refrain from talking to her over IM? I wish we could see each other more, but it's not really possible I think. I also wish I could help fix up her life somehow.

 

[kelbo]

You have to be careful with this one - because you don't want to end up being her only form of happiness or socialising, otherwise she will come to depend on you all of the time - and everytime you are apart she will be in distress.

Back off a bit. Don't talk to her all of the time when you are apart. Does she have friends of her own? Or other things to be getting on with? (work/hobbies/studying) etc?

 

[mr p]

You have to be careful with this one - because you don't want to end up being her only form of happiness or socialising, otherwise she will come to depend on you all of the time - and everytime you are apart she will be in distress.

Back off a bit. Don't talk to her all of the time when you are apart. Does she have friends of her own? Or other things to be getting on with? (work/hobbies/studying) etc?

Probably good advice, thanks. But how much should I back off? It's not like we talk all the time. Maybe I should let her initiate contact 3/4ths of the time or something. I'm afraid she might lose interest, though.
She works part-time, some hobbies, and is taking a class in which she has a hard time keeping up--a source of anxiety. But this hardly fills her days; she sits around on the computer not doing much quite a bit. Not a lot of real friends either, I think.

 

[kelbo]

Probably good advice, thanks. But how much should I back off? It's not like we talk all the time. Maybe I should let her initiate contact 3/4ths of the time or something. I'm afraid she might lose interest, though.
She works part-time, some hobbies, and is taking a class in which she has a hard time keeping up--a source of anxiety. But this hardly fills her days; she sits around on the computer not doing much quite a bit. Not a lot of real friends either, I think.

I can't tell you how much to back off or what to do. It depends on how much you think this is affecting the relationship and what YOU think will help. Why don't you try talking to her? Tell her how you feel. Honesty is the best policy with any situation generally.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Depressed people should go outside and get some Sunshine...I want Sunshine's number. She totally hawt..man.
It's like catch 22...the more you sit home alone the more depressed you'll get.

Dating is dating. It was very theraputic for me.
I got rejected, stood up and etc... that came with the territory of dating.
It also got me out of the house, moving forward with my life.
Dating 5-6 different women was fun and crazy at the sametime...
mmmm after asking numberous women out...you don't trip anymore. You''ll either do it or not.
There's alway tommorrow and there's always more women right around the conner...
It was much, much better than sitting home alone thinking life sucks everyday.
It kept me bussied. Falling in love is totally awesume...Chasing women ignite my spirit.
Being chased by women made me feel wanted.
After all if serveral women wanted me...I must not be that bad of a person or totally wacked.
I was dating women...I didn't have sex with all of them. And i didn't have relationships with all of them.
Actaully none of the women I dated had any ill will towards me. Some of them still hug me if I see them in
passing today. We're responsible mature adults. The experince also let me know all women are not the same...

Errr..there's a thread about an ideal woman...Well how in the **** are you going to know what woman is ideal
for you if you don't get to know them? Dating, that's bascailly all that is...It's getting to know someone.

On top of breaking my depression. It help my self-esteem.

My troubles wasn't during the dating stage. It was years later into a relationship.
Relationship is like a crap shoot..You never know what you're going to get...but you give it your best shot.

Well..I ma going to hang out with an opposite sex.
She said, it's a date.
I say were just going to hang out.
well...whatever the heck it is...We're not having sex tonight.
My heart belongs to Chelle.
We're just going out to have a good time. I don't feel like sitting home tonight.
It's all good....

Errr...I just got an E-mail from another chick I havn't seen for a while.
We had lunch a couple of times already.
So there you go....women comes into my life without me even expecting it.

There... I'm taking my own advice. Just go outside and be around people and not make it such a big deal.

 

[jella]

I'm at the other end; I've been seeing this girl for a month now and it's great and all. She's happy when I'm around, but when she's home at night she gets depressed, stressed out, anxious. Having an IM conversation with her isn't fun at all when she's like that -- her mood affects me. Should I just refrain from talking to her over IM? I wish we could see each other more, but it's not really possible I think. I also wish I could help fix up her life somehow.

I personally believe that people who are truly depressed and can't make themselves marginally happy have no business attempting to make someone else happy. I've been in the position that your girlfriend is in, and let me tell you, it definitely can take a toll on the relationship even if everything else seems perfect. It sounds like she is depending on you as her sole source of happiness, which is VERY unhealthy.

If you really care about her and want to help her, then I honestly think you should suggest to her that she seeks professional help and medication. Even just a few therapy or counseling sessions can help immensely. Other than that and offering to listen to her problems and be her own personal therapist (a job that is unfair to you after only dating her for a month, but if you REALLY like her then there's no harm in trying to be there for her), I don't think there is much else you can do if she doesn't want to help herself.

If she has never sought professional help before and thinks it won't help at all, then dump her. People will only get better if they WANT to be helped, otherwise they like to play the victim and receive pity (this can definitely be a subconscious thing as well). This is a sign that she will never change and will eventually drain you of all happy feelings that you have when you are away from her. It sounds like that's already happening, however, as talking to her on IM seems to put you in a sour mood. I'd be careful if I were you.

 

[IGETNONE]

I'm a depressing person too, but if i had a second chance with my ex i would always be close to her and be way more sexual with her well its like i've said to myself "you get one chance soo don't **** it up" but i did i ****** up

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...I went out lastnight and had a great time.
I enjoyed it just for what it was. At first we were just going to go bolwing and eat whatever the bolwing alley restruant had.
But the bar and restruant was closed. So we decided to go somewhere else...going with the flow ...going with the flow.
We had a nice dinner and just chit chated for a couple of hours. She felt comfortiable being around me so she bacailly talk
her head off..

Well...I can't say never and I've felt I've been blessed.

Chelle is my ex-wf...Our marriage ended because it was my fualt. I'll take the blame for that one.
I have a relationship with Chelle today....yeap I told myself , if I have a second chance or even a half a chance..I'll do anything
and whatever it takes to make things right between us. Chelle dosn't want me sitting at home alone and isolate...it's not healthy for me.
She wants me to get out...meet people, have friends. She wants me to be happy.
She also dosn't want me to relied on her completely or solely on her for my happiness. It's not healthy if I lose myself into her. (for her or me)
I trust myself enough to not do something that I don't want. I know what I want. And I'm bascailly doing what's she asking me to do.
She's been very supportive. Yet at the sametime there's things she's asking me to do that's not convient for me.

I came home and spoke the Chelle...after i went out last night
I never thought that I would ever speak to her again. We're not living together at the moment.
Just knowing that she loves me inspite of everything that happended between us. I feel ok, healed, complete, resolved.
No...it hasn't been convient for Chelle to love me or forgive me. I'm so so grateful for her love and understanding.
It's like god sent her into my life when I really needed her and is ready for her.
She's leading me back to GOD. I'v been struggling with the god thing since Jenni died. I don't pray any more.
She told me she was praying for me before we started talking again. She didn't know what was happening in my life before that piont.
I can pray for her and our duaghter today. I'll just leave it at that for now.

I've been working on myself alot too, eversince I join ALL...ya know.
Such as loving myself. Letting go of guilt and shame. Letting go if a bouch of stuff.
Getting out and meeting poeple. Facing my fears...admiting when I'm wrong. Making a chioce to be happy...etc.
It's not as if i just come on here and write...I apply these things in my life.

 

[mr p]

I personally believe that people who are truly depressed and can't make themselves marginally happy have no business attempting to make someone else happy. I've been in the position that your girlfriend is in, and let me tell you, it definitely can take a toll on the relationship even if everything else seems perfect. It sounds like she is depending on you as her sole source of happiness, which is VERY unhealthy.

If you really care about her and want to help her, then I honestly think you should suggest to her that she seeks professional help and medication. Even just a few therapy or counseling sessions can help immensely. Other than that and offering to listen to her problems and be her own personal therapist (a job that is unfair to you after only dating her for a month, but if you REALLY like her then there's no harm in trying to be there for her), I don't think there is much else you can do if she doesn't want to help herself.

If she has never sought professional help before and thinks it won't help at all, then dump her. People will only get better if they WANT to be helped, otherwise they like to play the victim and receive pity (this can definitely be a subconscious thing as well). This is a sign that she will never change and will eventually drain you of all happy feelings that you have when you are away from her. It sounds like that's already happening, however, as talking to her on IM seems to put you in a sour mood. I'd be careful if I were you.

She's been to therapists for a long time, she's also on medication, so I guess she wants to do something about it. But I'm afraid that has made her lazy, that she relies on the therapists and drugs to help her so she won't have to think about her problems herself or something. But maybe that's OK, and I think she understands why she's depressed. Though the therapists never seem to care, for what I've heard. Maybe a private therapist would be better, but she doesn't have enough money.
On IM, I need to tip-toe around certain topics because they remind her of things she's got to do or how her life is, which makes her stressed out.
I also think she's on a new dose of her medication, and that it is affecting her mood. I never see anything of this when we're together.

I guess I have to take it easy, not talk to her every day, maybe go away for a weekend or so. I just don't want her to think I've become uninterested.

 

[dontwant2beelonely]

yeah misery loves company

 

[AndrewM]

I for one have decided to take time out from dating. Once I see the other aspects of my life falling into place then I'll have the confidence to try again. But when I do, I want to have a plan about how I'll handle the ups and downs. I think having a third party to talk to, like a therapist, can be a great help in anticipating potential problems in the relationship and how to deal with them. I also think you have to be honest with your partner about what they can expect and what you expect from them. If you're not sure you can pull it off then it might be a sign you need to do some work on your own first.

I'm optimistic that I'll get to the point where I can start dating again, but I'm not going to be foolhardy about it. It's not that I want to be absolutely certain that any future relationship won't fail. Rather I want to know that I've taken serious steps to change myself, so that the dysfunctional dynamics which have ruined past relationships won't automatically reassert themselves. It's about taking control of one's own future rather than leaving it to repeat the patterns of the past - but that requires a conscious effort and not just crossing your fingers.

 

[dontwant2beelonely]

yes we're human too