So what is everyone looking for in terms of a relationship?

[Nightwing]

But really? Tell me what a relationship should be then? Logically, why are you in a relationship if all you're doing is thinking about yourself? You can think about yourself just fine on your own. If you don't think about her(or him), why are you with her? Using her for comfort? Using her only when you need her? That's the reason why people are hurt and are reluctant to trust the next person because they fear to be used.

Very wise words. I hadn't looked at things that way before and I suppose I'm pretty reluctant to take a relationship seriously these days because I've been used in the past. Whether gaining perspective on this will help... only time is going to tell that one.

 

[jaguarundi]

On a serious, non-WWChild-bashing note, I think any kind of measuring of effort in any relationship, (and I include friendship in this) can be an unfortunate thing to do .. If I am constantly checking to see that you are giving enough compared to me, it gives a kind of accountancy flavour to the whole thing. I give you this so you give me that... and if you haven't done enough, then I am going to be unhappy.

In this respect I think that Regumika's comment about each giving 100% is valid, because it means you aren't balancing the books, so to speak.

But now to the real world. .... which is where the real problems happen!

For one thing - gives what, exactly? Money (in paying bills etc)? Sharing the chores? or the childcare? or emotional support? the car? If I won't let you drive my car (and by the way, I wouldn't - my car is MY car) does that crash the relationship?

If one partner puts more value on their contribution it can be a problem. A view from a guy might be - I earn the money, so I expect my dinner on the table when I walk through the door. Is that fair? Maybe to some, maybe not to others. You need to have similar values within the relationship to make it work. If a woman doesn't think that's OK but the man does, it ain't going to work.

Unfortunately - and I know this because I have done it - one partner sometimes gets into the habit of giving what seems like very much more. And if that person is not careful, resentment and unhappiness begins to creep in.

I would say that to some extent in my case as the 'giving' partner, he never actually wanted (or I think expected) me to do so, I just got into the habit of it. After which he DID begin to expect it, because I had helped set the pattern of the relationship this way. Which was not a good way, because in not requiring enough of him, I think that I sort of - lessened him - in a way, and encouraged him to be lazy. Because if someone is giving, it pretty much is human nature for the other person to take it, isn't it?

Would it have been different if I had not done so? Maybe not, I don't know. But I do know that I rarely came out and asked him for what I wanted, and not being a mind reader, how was he to know? It can be a common girly fault to expect that a guy SHOULD know everything you want, and be resentful if they don't. (Not sure if guys do this, exactly?).

Of course if you ask and ask (and I don't mean whine) and they still don't do it, well, that shows a complete disregard for you and the relationship, doesn't it? Well, maybe, or just perhaps that you simply don't share the same values, which is what is likely to kill off the relationship in the end.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I'm looking for a manic pixie dream girl.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ManicPixieDreamGirl

It's the closest I've come to finding out what my "type" is called. I still feel that the girls I've been drawn to have all been different enough from each other to not really be called a "type", but they do share a one-of-a-kind, high-on-life personality.

I once met a girl who was into the same stuff as me, sci fi, fantasy, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and roleplaying games. But she was also very outdoorsy and adventurous as well. She wrote poems about the sea and drew dragons and told me of the 7 levels of her dream world. She had psychedelic experiences where she said she saw fire spirits and the whole universe. She told me once she could catch bumblebees and stared at them for hours without being stung. She roller-bladed and played guitar and hung out at the beach and layed on the sides of hills in the sun singing Led Zeppelin songs to no one in particular. And she also happened to be stunningly attractive. Then there was that other girl that I've talked about, who said she wanted to watch fireflies with me and go to concerts and blast good tunes in my car as we flew down the highway, and always encouraged me to be my best and told me she loved talking to me and that I was so alive. And there was one more that unfortunately I never got to get to know well, but I did get to know her enough to know she was cool. Of course, all 3 lived too far away and I didn't have myself together in time.

Lately I've been combing through online dating sites to find out who is in my area anyway, and the results are really disappointing. I went through 35 pages of locals the other day, and found no one even close to a "manic pixie dream girl". In fact, I found no one particularly attractive or interesting at all. There are only ones who just aren't attractive, or are technically attractive but in a plain, uninteresting way. It's just yuppies whose only interests are shopping, food and booze, and the local sports teams, and girls here who somehow think they are "country". It's no one I'd have anything to talk about with, or who even comes close to making me feel the same way as the ones I wished would be with me.

 

[Solivagant]

sci fi, fantasy, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and roleplaying games.

I'm into all that stuff, and then some! Star Trek is way better than Star Wars though. The best things about Star Wars were lightsabers and psychokinesis (my favorite superpower!). Eliminate those two factors and I'm not sure what remains would be worth watching.

Anyway, my point was going to be that there are plenty of women of your "type" out there, it's just not always easy to find them. I have a difficult time even finding friends that share my interests. Dating sites aren't the best place to gauge someone's personality either, for a number of reasons; so don't become too discouraged because of what you see there.

More importantly, lightsabers are cool.

 

[TheSkaFish]

sci fi, fantasy, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and roleplaying games.

I'm into all that stuff, and then some! Star Trek is way better than Star Wars though. The best things about Star Wars were lightsabers and psychokinesis (my favorite superpower!). Eliminate those two factors and I'm not sure what remains would be worth watching.

Anyway, my point was going to be that there are plenty of women of your "type" out there, it's just not always easy to find them. I have a difficult time even finding friends that share my interests. Dating sites aren't the best place to gauge someone's personality either, for a number of reasons; so don't become too discouraged because of what you see there.

More importantly, lightsabers are cool.

Hmm, Star Trek is also pretty cool too. Should have added it to the list, actually. I like it in a slightly different way though - Star Trek usually has a more philosophical flavor and feels like it could actually happen someday, while Star Wars is more swashbuckling fantasy. Both are really cool if you ask me.

But as this relates to finding someone though, it's hard. I've only met the "type" of women that I like online, in my area, there's nobody who has what I'm looking for. And I live near one of the biggest cities in the US. They're all either attractive but boring, interesting but unattractive, and unfortunately, most have neither. It's not as easy as simply wanting to find someone pretty - all one has to do for that is dress to impress and go to the swanky nightclubs downtown. But where do you go to find someone who has gorgeous looks and an interesting personality? If not online dating, where do you look? I mean, I'm interested in all kinds of things, and not one thing to the exclusion of everything else. What I described is only part of the whole me.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Forty acres and a mule.

 

[Scott.5]

I don’t have credentials or requirements.
I ask myself 3 questions
1) Can this woman fight along side with me against the struggles that come with a relationship?
What struggles? There are no struggles in a relationship, its all hippos and freaking unicorns! No very wrong. I’m not wasting my time if a girl just wants to book it on our first fight. Let me beat you to the door, girl.
2) Is she someone I can be proud of and we can equally encourage each other to be better?
This is probably a question only I would ask. Am I dependent on someone else? Hell no, I’m very independent and I piss excellence (excuse the cocky arrogance). I feel when you meet a girl who not only gives you the motivation to do better, but also contributes (as you do for her), we become this unstoppable duo ready for anything.
3) Do I see a future with this woman?
This is a question that everyone needs to ask him or herself. I apologize for not really apologizing when I say that I’m not wasting my time. I’m done with high school, I’m done with one night stands, relationships that last weeks, and I’m done with immature people who want all these things. I want the house, the wife, the Scott Jr, and even the white picket fence. I’m ready for that and not everyone else is, So I have to weed out the ones that are not.

By the way this is my first MAYBE second post on here. What can I say I get bored while I’m on the john and I like to read. I came across this which inspired me to type.
To answer your previous statement OP: Screw that girl man, she is nothing. In a few years she won’t even be in your thoughts maybe once a year. You’re probably like who’s this arrogant asinine who thinks he knows. I and much of the population know what you’ve been through. I’ve been hurt real bad by a similar experience, but I realized I can either live in that self pity (something I did for a long time) or I can just brush it off, return to the normal world. I brought back my confidence and had a hell of a good time afterwards, never looked back. Every bad experience/relationship you go through are stepping stones to the perfect person. The further the journey the more appreciative you are for that person.
Only other tips I can give you are confidence and honesty are key. You can’t hypnotize a woman to like you (be awesome if you could right?), but those two traits will get you into the door.

 

[Solivagant]

There are no struggles in a relationship, its all hippos and freaking unicorns!

Hippos?

 

[jaguarundi]

There are no struggles in a relationship, its all hippos and freaking unicorns!

Hippos?

That had me wondering as well. They are supposed to be the one of the most dangerous animals in Africa, responsible for more deaths than lions, I believe...

 

[WildernessWildChild]

There are no struggles in a relationship, its all hippos and freaking unicorns!

Hippos?

He got distracted maybe? He did claim he was on the john....(TMI)

 

[TheSkaFish]

Maybe that's the point....some days, it's sailing through the forest on the back of a unicorn with rainbows and sunshine. Other days, you get chomped by hippos. It's not a bad metaphor.

 

[Scott.5]

these hippos, my god. Should have said pixies
aren't they the cutest?

Oh and I said population instead of just males, because females go through that crap too.

There are no struggles in a relationship, its all hippos and freaking unicorns!

Hippos?

He got distracted maybe? He did claim he was on the john....(TMI)