Social incompetence

[Wingu]

Hi all
This is my first post on this forum. I don't write English very well, but I hope you'll understand anyway.

I am a 22 years old man from Norway and I have social problems. I've become very lonely. It hurts so much that i cry almost every day. I crave being social.
This has been going on for some years. Difficult to say how many, but I seriously began to feel it 3-4 yars ago. I think the big cause of my problem is that I most of mye life have felt a less need of being social than others. A less need of having friends. When I was a little child I had friends and I was almost like all other children. May be a little more shy, but pretty normal. I had good friends who I played with everyday after school. When I grew older, these friends moved to other places. I lost contact with them. I didn't get new close friends, only friends I met at school. I thought it was ok to spend the weekends alone, playing computer games and watch TV with my family. But as the time went by, I grew older, 18-19 years old, I started to feel I had a problem. I didn't know how to fix it, so time just went by and I hoped everything would fix itself. It didn't.

I realised I needed professional help so I went to a psychologist. I was depressed and needed help to get out of it. And the reason was having trouble with talking with people. Just normal communication. It prevented me from having a girlfriend, and that was the most terrible of all.
To make a long story short, I got rid of all the negative thoughts I had, and finally realised that interaction with people was something I could learn and be better at.

So, mye big problem is basic communicating. It allways feels like conversations I am having dies after just a few minutes. I allmost allways feel like having nothing to say. I'm haunted by awkwardness, cause it allways gets silent. This is preventing me from hanging out with only one other person. This because I have half of the responsibility of making the conversation flow. And this is very difficult to me.

I think the reason why it became like this, is that I didn't feel the need of being as social as most others. So I was ok with sitting alone, playing computer games. I was a lot alone, and therfore I didn't develope the social skills as everybody else did. And this is seriously difficult to get out of now. I just need many friends to train my skills, but I don't have many friends. I have too few.. And I need to make my friends know that I'm having this problem with talking/communicating, cause if they don't know, I think they'll start wonder why I say so little and everything will just become awkward and embarassing.

This is a very big problem to me. It makes me unconcentrated, sad, everything feels meaningsless, I don't study anymore cause I'm too sad and despairing.

Anyone who feels like this? Or have anything to say about this?


Edit: I alomst forgot to say I don't have big trouble making people laugh. I have a good sense of humour, and people think that I am a nice guy. But it doesn't help very much when I can't get close to people and have meaningfull conversations with them

 

[Sci-Fi]

I get how you feel, I just went through this at my company Christmas party. I'm usually a talkative guy but people kept saying how quiet I was. I just didn't have much to talk about or much in common with the rest. They're all contractors which of most like to drink and hunt, two things I have no interest in at all. Like you I could only hold a conversation for a short time. But I also fear going to social functions, or well any group function.

Try to open yourself up more, maybe find out what other peoples other interests are you might have more in common with them. Just do something, I'm 35 and still haven't been able to cope with my social anxiety, don't be the same way. You're still young enough to turn it around, you said you've only been like this for the past few years or so. Don't give up.

Oh and welcome to the forums.

 

[Wingu]

I get how you feel, I just went through this at my company Christmas party. I'm usually a talkative guy but people kept saying how quiet I was. I just didn't have much to talk about or much in common with the rest. They're all contractors which of most like to drink and hunt, two things I have no interest in at all. Like you I could only hold a conversation for a short time. But I also fear going to social functions, or well any group function.

Try to open yourself up more, maybe find out what other peoples other interests are you might have more in common with them. Just do something, I'm 35 and still haven't been able to cope with my social anxiety, don't be the same way. You're still young enough to turn it around, you said you've only been like this for the past few years or so. Don't give up.

Oh and welcome to the forums.

Thanks for your reply.
I've worked on this for 1,5 years now. I've started to make people aware of my problems, and this makes it easier for me to hang out with those people. But I want to be careful with which people I tell these things to. I need honest people, people that understand my situation.
And I think it's all just about focus, attitude and practise. I have the right focus. I have the right attitude, but it's hard to get enough practise with just one friend, and I don't want to bother him too much. He has also his own life to live.

I'm constantly trying to find new friends and pick up contact with old friends, so I can gain these social skills I need so badly. Looking forward to see it really works

 

[Hangman]

Norway huh, wow very far away from America, well buddy i really dont know what to tell you im in a worse position then u.

 

[ChiCowboy]

I've always been a loner. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to socialize as much as others. Given a choice, I'd prefer being a loner than the person who must constantly be surrounded by other people.

Sci-fi makes an excellent point. If the people you encounter have different interests, there won't be much to talk about. I've always had difficulty in this area. What I find interesting, most people find boring. A lot of people are into gossip, which bores me to death. It's rare that I find someone with similar interests.

I don't necessarily buy into the "social skills" paradigm. Sure, a salesman has certain communication skills that differ from those of a biologist, but when it comes to basic human interaction, it's my belief that communication is a natural act. I wouldn't get caught up in putting value on your "abilities." Just be yourself, and realize that's who you are. There must be support groups you could seek out, and that would be a good start. You'd at least make some friends, and those you meet will be interested in what you have to say.

Hey, it's Christmas, and I'm here talking on the internet. It's not all that bad.

 

[Nightwatcher]

First of I'm glad to hear that you're working on improving your situation. My mum gave me this advice that make sure to talk to at lest 2 or 3 different persons a day. It don't have to be a deep conversation it can be the girl at the supermarket for instance. This helps giving you confidence and helps train your social skills.

Another advice is join a association, now i don't know about your interests, but if you like photography you can join a photography association it can be a great way of getting friends. I know myself since i have made lots of friendships as a association member.

Other than that i can just say the ordinary be your self, don't lose your self on the way.

 

[Thrasymachus]

Likely you are making a big deal over nothing. Probably you think people are focusing alot on you, but the reality is everyone else is focusing mostly on themselves and their own little world without much attention to spare on you. Just try to relax when your around or talk to other people, don't tense up or make it into something big. People can notice subtle hints such as tension and lack of comfort, and will avoid totally or interact with you less.

 

[Wingu]

Wow, lots of comments here since last time! Much better than in the norwegian forums=P I like it

Norway huh, wow very far away from America, well buddy i really dont know what to tell you im in a worse position then u.

Yeah, it is. But when I post in norwegian forums I get allmost no answers. We're too few people here
I'm very aware of others having it a lot worse then me. Still, I live a very sad life 99% of the time, and I will try everything to get a better life.

- Thank you ChiCowboy and Nightwatcher for your comments. I appreciate it

Likely you are making a big deal over nothing. Probably you think people are focusing alot on you, but the reality is everyone else is focusing mostly on themselves and their own little world without much attention to spare on you. Just try to relax when your around or talk to other people, don't tense up or make it into something big. People can notice subtle hints such as tension and lack of comfort, and will avoid totally or interact with you less.

Yep, that's very true. I made this life all by myself. I just didn't know what I was doing was wrong. I thought I was right (of course ) and was stuch with it a lot of years.
I totally agree with everything you write. I'm trying to relax, but it's not easy. I really don't know how to relax. It's stressing me. The solution must be just hanging A LOT out with people. The more I practise, the more comfortable I'll get, and it will become a habit. It will become automated.
Well, that's what i think.

 

[LGH1288]

Hello Wingu -- Yes, the social art of conversation can be developed with practice. Sometimes it's simply helpful to place the focus on the person you're speaking with or on external subjects. For example, direct the conversation to learn more about the other person's position about popular current events. This may help to diffuse the pressure you place on yourself and steer the discussion to a common ground where everyone can contribute information and share their opinions. Happy yapping (LOL!), LG