There has never been a better time for online dating

[el Jay]

bender22, to reply to your reply to me several posts ago (avoiding massive quoted posts):

In some (well, most or all, really) of the cases where I was ghosted after a longer period of time (let's say 2 weeks or more), they were times where we got along and things seemed to be going well. Some great, some alright, but if we've been talking at least semi-regularly for that long (say, at least like 10 minutes per day average, with some talk every other day at the least), there's some degree of connection.

I did not necessarily push hard for meeting up, but these were longer-distance situations, too. I've had more conversations and such from other sites that aren't dating sites, but that has the disadvantage of not being able to select for location (but also generally means the people I meet, if any, have likely shown that they have interests in common). So I obviously don't push to meet because they may be several states away (I'm in the US and generally avoid trying to strike conversation with someone who lives overseas). I've also followed other advice that you posted earlier, including asking questions to show an interest in her while also giving me chances to talk about myself (so it's not just one-sided), and also poking at more risque topics in what I can only assume is not a creepy or awkward way, given that it's one aspect of things I've agonized over after being ghosted, but have never found a pattern that suggests it was responsible.

Plus, there's the whole "instead of going straight for a relationship, actually get to know her and be her friend first" theme that I've often seen suggested (primarily by women).

 

[LostintheBardo]

"Plus, there's the whole "instead of going straight for a relationship, actually get to know her and be her friend first" theme that I've often seen suggested (primarily by women)."

Just my opinion but if you take that approach all she will probably ever see you as is a friend.

 

[ardour]

There's no way of getting out of it unscathed, either being direct, or "friendly"/non-threatening, someone will judge you. The other common advice is to get good at reading interest in words or behaviour, but that's still a shot in the dark.

 

[el Jay]

"Plus, there's the whole "instead of going straight for a relationship, actually get to know her and be her friend first" theme that I've often seen suggested (primarily by women)."

Just my opinion but if you take that approach all she will probably ever see you as is a friend.

Well yeah, that was sort of the point (also that despite doing that and just trying to be friends, which isn't objectively a terrible idea since I obviously want to get along and share interests with a partner). It's also something suggested often by women to men who have a difficult time asking women out or otherwise doing the "straight to dating" thing, rather than eventually dating someone you've known for a while. But the problem is not only what you point out (they'll be less likely to ever see you as more than a friend), but it also seems fairly likely that, in the time you're "becoming friends," she'll meet and start dating someone else.

Again, my attempts at that approach have more to do with the often significant physical distance in those situations, and the fact that the person in question is someone with similar interests, so even if a relationship didn't happen (provided there weren't unrequited feelings involved), I could end up with a new friend to share interests with. That hasn't happened either, really (with one minor exception who I talk to every now and then), but I don't approach it with any sort of "if I'm her friend I'm entitled to a relationship!" sort of mindset that I often see guys who dispute the "be friends first" strategy accused of.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Man, honestly, your suggestion is genius, lol. I wish I had noticed it earlier, even though I may not have taken you up on it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

In my opinion, it doesn't matter how you approach it. Whether you are trying to be her friend first, trying to have *** with her or trying to create a long term relationship. There will or will not be feelings develop. She will either feel romantically toward you or she won't. Doesn't matter how you approach it, they will either happen or not. Now granted, feelings can develop later down the road, from either your side or hers or even both, but if she isn't in your life, then that's not going to happen either.
Approaching it as friends could at least get you a friend out of it instead of nothing if there are no romantic feelings there.

Look, it's all a game of chance. You could meet your "soulmate" and not even realize it because circumstances in your life and her could be off base and you don't even recognize each other. All you can do is keep trying, keep switching it up doing different things and (obviously when the lockdown **** is over) try going out to meet people the old fashion way. If you find a girl that interests you, talk to her, tell her why she interests you.

---

As bender pointed out you've already pre-selected for creeps and desperate weirdos.

Lol, thanks for your concern, but I'm not worried about finding people to date that aren't desperate and creepy. That's, of course, WHEN I choose to date.  I have more pressing priorities than potentially adding more drama to my life.

 

[bender22]

bender22, to reply to your reply to me several posts ago (avoiding massive quoted posts):

In some (well, most or all, really) of the cases where I was ghosted after a longer period of time (let's say 2 weeks or more), they were times where we got along and things seemed to be going well. Some great, some alright, but if we've been talking at least semi-regularly for that long (say, at least like 10 minutes per day average, with some talk every other day at the least), there's some degree of connection.

I did not necessarily push hard for meeting up, but these were longer-distance situations, too. I've had more conversations and such from other sites that aren't dating sites, but that has the disadvantage of not being able to select for location (but also generally means the people I meet, if any, have likely shown that they have interests in common). So I obviously don't push to meet because they may be several states away (I'm in the US and generally avoid trying to strike conversation with someone who lives overseas). I've also followed other advice that you posted earlier, including asking questions to show an interest in her while also giving me chances to talk about myself (so it's not just one-sided), and also poking at more risque topics in what I can only assume is not a creepy or awkward way, given that it's one aspect of things I've agonized over after being ghosted, but have never found a pattern that suggests it was responsible.

Plus, there's the whole "instead of going straight for a relationship, actually get to know her and be her friend first" theme that I've often seen suggested (primarily by women).

Yeah, longer distance situations would be tricky. I'm not sure what the best strategy for that would be. It would be difficult not to end up in the friend zone. And unless the she thinks there's a very real possibility you could actually meet up, she's probably going to get bored, even if she likes you.

When you say 'asking questions to show an interest in her' you have to be careful with that on texting. This is a big mistake I've made a lot in the past on online dating. 

My philosophy on this now is that text messaging should NOT be used for getting to know someone. When I'm talking to a girl on Tinder, I usually will ask a few 'getting to know you' questions. But they always have a secondary purpose - which is either to lead the conversation in a certain direction, sexualise the conversation or gauge her level of interest. I'm never just asking questions only for the sake of getting to know her.

Meet up with her in person and then get to know her. Or if it's long distance, maybe try doing a Facetime date at least.

The whole 'be her friend first' idea is just terrible. Don't do that.

 

[el Jay]

Oh yeah, I know that advice is terrible, and I understand the consequences of it. I mentioned it because it was in those long distance situations where I felt we had more in common than I'd usually find on a dating site sorting for closer girls. There isn't much else to do besides talk in that case, unfortunately. And it's in those situations (where there is still a degree of mutual feelings regarding a potential relationship) where I end up ghosted most often.

But regarding dating sites and talking to girls who live relatively close to potentially date them, I almost never get responses, ever. Literally fewer than a dozen, and probably an order of magnitude fewer than I sent out. All trying some sort of approach besides "hey what's up?" or something similarly bland. It just doesn't happen.

 

[Xpendable]

My stats are actually 2 matches in a 8-month spam of probably around 2000 swipes. One short conversation. That's all. After those many swipes the girls just started repeating.

 

[bender22]

My stats are actually 2 matches in a 8-month spam of probably around 2000 swipes. One short conversation. That's all. After those many swipes the girls just started repeating.

Have you tried since quarantine started?

And if that's you in your display picture, then it looks like you're not a bad looking guy. You should be getting way more than 2 matches from 2000 swipes. My guess is you're selling yourself short with your profile. Show me the photos you were using and I can probably tell you why you weren't getting more matches.

 

[Xpendable]

Since quarantine started? Do you mean from when we MUST stay inside?

Nah it was a long time ago. I even expanded the demographic to 200km because my area was probably not more than 1000 swipes.
Oh and no one reads profiles, man. It's all in the picture. I don't remember what I put in there but whatever gaslighting attempt you try, it was the opposite. Stop trying to rationalize shallowness.

 

[bender22]

Since quarantine started? Do you mean from when we MUST stay inside?

That's kinda the point of this thread...everyone is stuck inside so they're using online dating apps a lot more.

Oh and no one reads profiles, man. It's all in the picture. I don't remember what I put in there but whatever gaslighting attempt you try, it was the opposite. Stop trying to rationalize shallowness.

When I said that you're probably selling yourself short in your profile, that includes both pictures and bio text. Of course it's all in the pictures. You have to use pictures that present you as well as possible (without being totally deceptive). And my guess is that you were using some combination of low quality pictures, bad clothing, bad body language. Even very attractive guys won't get many matches if they screw up those things.

And I wouldn't completely discount the bio text. People do read it, especially if you match with them. But pictures are still way more important.

 

[Xpendable]

Bad guess.

 

[Cucuboth]

When you have been using dating sites and more recently the dating apps for 20 years, and before that, even the dating agencies, where you actually went in to an office .. someone took down your interests, helped you write a profile add, even take photos .. and have heard ALL the guarantees that this will work, that there will be meetings and dates, ect ect ect ... when you have been to interest groups and classes, done volunteering, waited for one day when you least expect it, put yourself out there and loved yourself to bits ... it doesn’t really matter how you think, wether you are positive it will work or not, nobody knows that if they don’t even talk to you. Nobody can sense how you think or feel from a photo or what is written on a profile.

 

[ardour]

 And my guess is that you were using some combination of low quality pictures, bad clothing, bad body language. Even very attractive guys won't get many matches if they screw up those things.

I agree with this part, I've seen a lot of bad photos on dating sites. For a guy a bad photo can make him look creepy or threatening.  If he's too shy to ask friends or family to help out he might have to hire a photographer (not possible on lockdown though).

 

[bender22]

Bad guess.

Okay, show me how I'm wrong. Post up the photos you used.

Cucuboth, I think it's often quite easy to get a sense of how someone thinks or feels based on their photos and profile.

 

[Xpendable]

Bad guess.

Okay, show me how I'm wrong. Post up the photos you used.

Cucuboth, I think it's often quite easy to get a sense of how someone thinks or feels based on their photos and profile.

Never judge a book by its cover.

 

[kaetic]

I know some people on here don't like online dating.

But even if you've struggled with online dating in the past, I'd urge you to get onto online dating apps right now (if you're single).

With everyone stuck at home in quarantine, online dating has never been so good. I've had more success with online dating in these past few months than I've ever had. And I know a lot of guys saying the same thing.

People are bored. They are spending more time on Tinder, Bumble and other apps than ever before. 

Even if you don't want to meet up with people right now, it's still a good opportunity to work on your texting and learn the ropes of online dating. And then perhaps you can still meet up with some of your matches once the pandemic is over. Or you can set up a Facetime date like some people are.

If you're looking for a significant other or any sort of casual relationship and you're not using online dating right now, believe me..now is the time to get on there!

I suppose in terms of number, you're probably right. But, a lot of people, myself included, have issues with online dating that don't just go away because more people are online. Trust, self esteem, control issues, bitterness/resentment, and just baggage in general that has been getting in the way of previous attempts, unless those are addressed... You're going to have the same problems you have always had.

But, sure, if your only problem is selection... Probably a good time.

 

[kaetic]

 And my guess is that you were using some combination of low quality pictures, bad clothing, bad body language. Even very attractive guys won't get many matches if they screw up those things.

I agree with this part, I've seen a lot of bad photos on dating sites. For a guy a bad photo can make him look creepy or threatening.  If he's too shy to ask friends or family to help out he might have to hire a photographer (not possible on lockdown though).

True, on my last attempt one guy posted a picture of himself with bright red eyes, I mean photoshopped to make himself look creepy on purpose... At least a half dozen photos where the guy was hugging a pretty girl (I assumed an ex, though who knows) and others where the girl was partially cut out of the photo... Except for her chest because it was right next to his face. I can forgive a bad photo, lighting... Bad hair day... Whatever... But the the ones I described, I automatically skipped.

You also would not believe how many photos where the guy doesn't even bother to smile... Don't look miserable for your photo...

 

[el Jay]

 And my guess is that you were using some combination of low quality pictures, bad clothing, bad body language. Even very attractive guys won't get many matches if they screw up those things.

I agree with this part, I've seen a lot of bad photos on dating sites. For a guy a bad photo can make him look creepy or threatening.  If he's too shy to ask friends or family to help out he might have to hire a photographer (not possible on lockdown though).

True, on my last attempt one guy posted a picture of himself with bright red eyes, I mean photoshopped to make himself look creepy on purpose... At least a half dozen photos where the guy was hugging a pretty girl (I assumed an ex, though who knows) and others where the girl was partially cut out of the photo... Except for her chest because it was right next to his face. I can forgive a bad photo, lighting... Bad hair day... Whatever... But the the ones I described, I automatically skipped.

You also would not believe how many photos where the guy doesn't even bother to smile... Don't look miserable for your photo...

I really can't understand or believe the number of women with photos (often multiple) of them hugging or posing with a guy. Like, if its a group (even if they're the only female in the picture), I can understand maybe, it might've been something with work or school or whatever. And I assume the guy(s) they have pictures with might be their brother or other family or something, and is probably not an ex. But it still seems like such a massive red flag. It just gives the completely wrong impression that any picture is supposed to.

Although keep in mind I don't mean their default pic necessarily (although that does happen), I mean other pics they've uploaded that you can look through. Few profiles I've seen are... short-sighted enough to make the default pic one with a guy in it (although sometimes they have a female friend in it and I have trouble telling which one the profile is for).