Very conflicted with socializing

[sadmoongaze]

I'm sorry as I do not post often and so making a topic feels somewhat wrong. But I often feel conflicted with socializing. On one hand I really hate it because I have had so many negative experiences with trying. People have often talked down to me or just judged me in what felt like a harsh and unfair way.

On the other hand, a part of me desires trying to connect with others. But it's so hard to the point that it hurts. And it gets to where I just want to give up entirely.

I'm sorry if this didn't make sense.

 

[user 188522]

To me, your post makes a lot of sense. We, as humans, are social animals. However, not all humans are kind. I am a shut-in by choice, so I understand your point of view. I wish I had some excellent advice to offer.

 

[sadmoongaze]

No, thank you. I'm sorry about you being a shut in. I know that may not always be easy.

 

[constant stranger]

Your sentiments resonate with me, sadmoongaze. I'm a borderline social isolate myself. There's only been one close relationship for me in 40 years and that person is out of the picture now. I have access to three venues, structured scenarios all, where I engage in regular social contact and I'm afraid that my conduct seems to induce a condescending, patronizing attitude on most peoples' part. I don't really know why.

It's a given that social connections are a fundamental part of human health and while I'm pretty conscientious about my physical health, I'm a bit concerned about getting old alone.
Also, who am I going to leave my estate to? I don't know who to nominate as the personal representative for my final will and testament.......

 

[Minus]

I'm sorry as I do not post often and so making a topic feels somewhat wrong.

It is not wrong and aside from the possibility that you may find something in the responses, someone else may also. No not wrong at all and potentially helpful. If nothing else you will find that others also identify with your situation. And yes, you do make sense.

 

[ringwood]

I completely understand. I've also very much struggled with these kinds of feelings throughout my life - my natural tendency to be a hermit and hide away from the world and people, balanced with a very human need for social contact and acceptance. Couple that with being socially awkward and uncomfortable around new people and it leads to lots of negative and painful social encounters.

Thing is though - I've also had lots of positive and uplifting social moments. Moments where I felt listened to, understood, appreciated, accepted. If you think about it, I hope that you're also able to identify a few positive interactions as well. I would try and focus on those. Not all of us are born with a silver tongue. I also think that more people struggle with being social than you might think - it's a common issue out there. Some people are great at hiding their discomfort, some of us not so much. Practice helps a lot. Try and get out there and talk with people - it really does become a little easier the more you do it. It doesn't have to be a major undertaking - even a few words exchanged with the cashier at the grocery store gives you practice.

 

[Finished]

I don't like socializing because it nearly always end up bad for me. So, I avoid it if at all possible. When I have to do it, I put on a big smile, be friendly, and be as quick as possible. Then I get the hell out of there. If people start recognizing me when I go to the same places I stop going to those places.

But, yeah my mind still needs socializing. I find it helpful to create imaginary friends. I even have conversations with members on this site that I've never interacted with before. I do it to stimulate the socialization part of my brain. It actually seems fairly satisfied with me doing that. Give it a try.

I also like staring at things that have smiles on them. Curious George is awesome! How can you not smile when you look at him?

 

[lotsarocks]

That makes a lot of sense. I feel the same at times. I think too, I've heard that our brain tends to cling to negative bias a lot too, so whenever a negative occurrence does happen, it triggers all of those alarm bells off in our heads to remind us, 'See, see, this is what happens when you reach out to others!' And then that rears up the self-defense, we protect ourselves from being hurt. It can be hard to disengage that and even want the desire to reach out again, and there's no easy way to do it and know it'll be a success, but sometimes it can be, you have a 50/50 shot with anyone you meet that it just might be a positive experience instead of a negative one.

I do admit sometimes I do what Finished suggested though, an imagination can sometimes help stave off the loneliness.

 

[user 148069]

Just to chime in, what you shared is very relatable. People just generally scare me, I'm not a social butterfly either and I too have experienced some really harsh and unfair judgements because I was more reserved than others. I remember someone labelled me as shady and untrustworthy because I choose to put my hands in my pocket. This person claims to be an expert in body language after reading one book. I feel really uncomfortable now whenever I see tips and vids on how to read people from their body language because no one is exactly the same and you cannot truly know what goes on in someone's mind.

The truth is I have anxiety and the place I was at had very cold air conditioning, all I did was try to keep warm not because I was a bad person. I feel sad and angry even though this took place years ago because I felt I was not given a chance to feel comfortable around them before opening up.

 

[Adamridge79]

I signed up for, at my therapists strict guidance,for a community education class. I was interested in the subject. I did have panic, and the accompying sweats. But at week four, and being 20 years younger I was able to pass as a somewhat normal human. I don't know if this is relevant...

 

[StarDust]

Yeah... in same boat. So, had this work event... small gathering of about 40 people for a colleague retirement in the afternoon on work premises. It was an exclusive event ... to keep under 50 people due to COVID. So... felt it was a privilege to be on invited list and told myself it would be good to go. You can't say "No" - can you? Get home.... and all I can think of is WHY did I attend? HATE HATE HATE the fact I feel obligated to keep up a certain level of social contact when I barely socialize at these events anyways Phooeeey! Next event is a big "No". I will stay home and deal with the regret of not going and missing out all that joy I could had have .

 

[user 188685]

For me,I don't really like talking a lot,I'm not a very talkative person.

 

[user 188685]

I do like to chat online and text though

 

[Loner_Wolf]

I totally get it, I’m in a similar position. I knew I was different in school but I tried to be friends with everyone in order to fit in somewhere anyway, but due to the social difficulties that come with autism, I ended up becoming a target of bullying and blatant hatred. So as an adult, I have stopped trying. I just watch everyone else gather together in their cliques knowing that I wouldn’t be welcome. As I get older though, I don’t really want to fit into most groups anymore, and yet I’m still lonely. Such a paradox..

 

[non_entity]

I've experienced similar.

I think the first step, is to go into a social situation not caring what anyone thinks.

Be assertive, not aggressive, not passive.

Manifest confidence within yourself.

Once you start to interact people on a level where you don't care about their opinions, and you assert yourself, people will react to you differently. Some might even take offense, because that usually occurs when someone who was once a doormat begins to stand up for themselves. If that happens, ignore it.

 

[Finished]

I've experienced similar.

I think the first step, is to go into a social situation not caring what anyone thinks.

Be assertive, not aggressive, not passive.

Manifest confidence within yourself.

Once you start to interact people on a level where you don't care about their opinions, and you assert yourself, people will react to you differently. Some might even take offense, because that usually occurs when someone who was once a doormat begins to stand up for themselves. If that happens, ignore it.

I did that for years. I ended up creating difficult characters for what the situation needed. For the most part, atleast professionally, it seemed to work. Others even looked up to me as I always just seemed to fit in. However, it really stressed the hell out of me because it was not who I was. I kept trying to force myself to be social so I would get used to it. But, I never did. Then I retreated from society, felt way better, my health improved significantly, and I am now who I am. However, that's alone with most people thinking of me as a weird old man, atleast IRL. I still have a desire to be social. But, I can't actually interact successfully with others except in short bursts. So, I mostly just watch others interact, like playing baseball, and get sort of a feeling of being social from that.

 

[chasingowls]

It completely makes sense.

I had friends when I was a teenager & kid, so the memories from back then drive me to keep trying with people. But I've had a really tough time with people, for like 15 years now. More often than not, interactions leave me feeling confused and unsettled. If I'm trying to spend time with new people to try to make friends, I feel drained and irritated.

But I can't stop remembering how good it felt to be around past friends.

 

[Adamridge79]

Step away from the edge...don't do it!