I wish I had known, home was NOT a safe place to fall back on, like it was for a lot of other people around here. Instead, it was more like a sinking ship, and the rate at which we've been sinking has only accelerated these last several years. I thought it was already ****** enough before, as we NEVER lived in anything even close to luxury - the best we could ever do was the absolute lowest end of "just OK", and even that was iffy, more like "OK-ish" than truly "OK" - but it just keeps getting worse to the point where I've learned to stop thinking "it can't get any worse". Everything, even the smallest things, even the things that were already not great, and were pretty bare-minimum to begin with, can get worse to the point that I wouldn't put anything past it anymore. I wish I had known this, and known to just ignore everything around me, ignore all the people that got to clown around and not take life seriously, ignore the ********, ignore the news, ignore all these obsessions and catastrophizations I had and not let them take hold in the first place, ignore everything and just swim for dry land. I really needed to have a one-track mind, tunnel vision. We were NOT a normal first-world family. We've always been kinda failing, and now thanks to all the supply chain and inflation ********, even the last traces of the "kinda" is gone, we've graduated to full-on undeniable failing now. I needed to approach life like immigrants moving to this country with nothing and compare myself to their situation, instead of the already-established people around me, even though we were born here.
I think I was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that things weren't that bad before. And also by the normalcy around us - but that wasn't ever really our lives. I have to get the **** out of here. I wish I'd known that retreating back here, was NEVER an option - retreat was a luxury I was never in a position to afford. I wish I'd known that I need to get on my own so that I can do things a different way, because our way doesn't work, it never did, and it's only been getting more and more dysfunctional and ineffectual, and as long as I'm living under this way, my life is only going to go from bad to worse.
)
nice to know that the truth is I have an overactive imagination ! And secrets safe with me Mr Skafish 
I feel at ease, for the first time in a long time. I'm easily amused and colorful a lot lately. If I could just legally grow my own weed plant, just 1 plant for myself, I'd be this relaxed all the time. 
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
