What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?

[okidoke]

Tired. Back from our trip up north. Over 2000 miles. Struck dead one grass parrot. Thankfully no roos.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Feeling generally tired lately - physically, mentally, emotionally. Tired in all ways.

Kind of want to just do nothing for a bit. But that's not an option.

Maybe I'll feel better after a walk later tonight.

 

[user 139760]

Thankfully no roos.

Anyone who can legit write that is a real man in my book

 

[TheSkaFish]

Hoping it's not too late to restart my life.

I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live as a loser either.
If my life is ruined, or if I never had any potential in the first place, if I am in fact a loser/inferior, then I'm never going to be able to enjoy anything again. There is nothing in that life that could make up for it, to make me happy.
I don't know what to do, because again, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live that life either.

I've never been into professional sports, so that won't work for me. Whatever some team or professional athlete is doing, doesn't do anything to save me from the frustration, humiliation, powerlessness, and feelings of inherent submissiveness and incompetence from being in a ****** job, so I don't care about that.

Same thing with media. It does nothing to save me from my life, so I don't feel anything about it.
Like I've said before, I don't care about/am not interested in living vicariously through celebrities.
And fandoms are nice, but it's just not enough anymore. I just can't care about some fictional world, when I hate my life.

Taking a class of some kind won't work either - if I can't even learn normal skills, then what the hell makes me think I can learn above-normal skills? I'm also not interested in doing things badly, or being limited to just OK. That doesn't make me feel cool, it makes me feel limited and lame, like I'm desperately trying to be something I'm not, in a sad attempt to be more interesting than I am, and totally sucking/failing/losing at it - as with everything else. I'd rather not bother.

It would be hard to have a conversation either, because if I'm stuck in a life I hate, I'm not going to care enough about anything to want to learn enough about anything to talk about it, and because I don't care about it, I don't have the energy to discuss it. Again, why? It's not going to save me from this life I hate, so I don't care about it.

I almost don't care what I do, as long as it's skilled work. I'm more interested in the peace of mind in proving I have an at least normal level of intelligence, competence, and natural ability, that I have at least normal genetics, and having an at least normal quality of life, than I am in any skill or field. The only pro-quo's I have are, I don't like blood/diseases/anything medical, and I don't like poisons/toxins/fumes/carcinogens. Beyond that I don't know what I'm interested in.

Sometimes I wish I could have a brain doctor look at my brain, or a geneticist look at my genes, and just tell me - what do I have the neurons, gray matter, genetic combinations, or whatever, to do with my life?
What do I have the biological traits to have the potential to do with my life?
What shouldn't I bother with, because I can't get anywhere at it because I just don't have the right biological traits for it?
Do I have any avenue to success at any skill all?

I just want to be able to know I'm at least normal, and have a life that doesn't suck, and feel like I'm not hopeless.
It's not even that I want someone to deliver me from this and just take me all the way - instead I just want it to be possible for me to escape from this at all.

Wow I feel like total hell today.

 

[okidoke]

Hoping it's not too late to restart my life.

I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live as a loser either.
If my life is ruined, or if I never had any potential in the first place, if I am in fact a loser/inferior, then I'm never going to be able to enjoy anything again. There is nothing in that life that could make up for it, to make me happy.
I don't know what to do, because again, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live that life either.

I've never been into professional sports, so that won't work for me. Whatever some team or professional athlete is doing, doesn't do anything to save me from the frustration, humiliation, powerlessness, and feelings of inherent submissiveness and incompetence from being in a ****** job, so I don't care about that.

Same thing with media. It does nothing to save me from my life, so I don't feel anything about it.
Like I've said before, I don't care about/am not interested in living vicariously through celebrities.
And fandoms are nice, but it's just not enough anymore. I just can't care about some fictional world, when I hate my life.

Taking a class of some kind won't work either - if I can't even learn normal skills, then what the hell makes me think I can learn above-normal skills? I'm also not interested in doing things badly, or being limited to just OK. That doesn't make me feel cool, it makes me feel limited and lame, like I'm desperately trying to be something I'm not, in a sad attempt to be more interesting than I am, and totally sucking/failing/losing at it - as with everything else. I'd rather not bother.

It would be hard to have a conversation either, because if I'm stuck in a life I hate, I'm not going to care enough about anything to want to learn enough about anything to talk about it, and because I don't care about it, I don't have the energy to discuss it. Again, why? It's not going to save me from this life I hate, so I don't care about it.

I almost don't care what I do, as long as it's skilled work. I'm more interested in the peace of mind in proving I have an at least normal level of intelligence, competence, and natural ability, that I have at least normal genetics, and having an at least normal quality of life, than I am in any skill or field. The only pro-quo's I have are, I don't like blood/diseases/anything medical, and I don't like poisons/toxins/fumes/carcinogens. Beyond that I don't know what I'm interested in.

Sometimes I wish I could have a brain doctor look at my brain, or a geneticist look at my genes, and just tell me - what do I have the neurons, gray matter, genetic combinations, or whatever, to do with my life?
What do I have the biological traits to have the potential to do with my life?
What shouldn't I bother with, because I can't get anywhere at it because I just don't have the right biological traits for it?
Do I have any avenue to success at any skill all?

I just want to be able to know I'm at least normal, and have a life that doesn't suck, and feel like I'm not hopeless.
It's not even that I want someone to deliver me from this and just take me all the way - instead I just want it to be possible for me to escape from this at all.

Wow I feel like total hell today.

You seem good with words. Why don’t you become a story teller? Write a series of books about miserable characters trying to make their way through life. You have a talent there I think.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You seem good with words. Why don’t you become a story teller? Write a series of books about miserable characters trying to make their way through life. You have a talent there I think.

I'm not really sure if this is genuine or not.
I don't think there would be a market for that since people tend to use books for escapism, rather than reminding themselves of what they want to forget.
Regardless I don't really want to argue, I'm kind of over it/been there done that, don't really want to do that anymore.
Thanks, I think.

 

[okidoke]

I'm not really sure if this is genuine or not.

I’m always speak genuinely. You’ll know when I speak otherwise.

I don't think there would be a market for that since people tend to use books for escapism, rather than reminding themselves of what they want to forget.

Are you kidding? People love to wallow in their emotions and personality traits.

Regardless I don't really want to argue, I'm kind of over it/been there done that, don't really want to do that anymore.
Thanks, I think.

No argument intended. Discussion only. Is that why you didn’t reply to my response ti your post about your genes; you thought I wanted to argue? I don’t like arguing. I like to explore meaning in comments and learn from what is said to understand people better and maybe they will do the same.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I’m always speak genuinely. You’ll know when I speak otherwise.


Are you kidding? People love to wallow in their emotions and personality traits.


No argument intended. Discussion only. Is that why you didn’t reply to my response ti your post about your genes; you thought I wanted to argue? I don’t like arguing. I like to explore meaning in comments and learn from what is said to understand people better and maybe they will do the same.

It's cool. Actually, the reason for me not responding to your response in my post about genes was that I bookmarked it, to read it again and mull it over before posting. I didn't take it as an argument at all, nor did I blow it off.

On some level I know I complain too much for most people.
On the other hand, everything I posted, are what I really think and feel - at least at that snapshot in time.
I guess...I got "triggered" earlier today (not here) and was feeling bad for literally hours.
I intended to get some stuff done today but was sitting in my chair ranting and fuming for hours about it (not including my posts).
There are a few specific subjects which can send me into a negative spiral that can last a good part of a day sometimes.

Also, I've been thinking about this a lot, and more intensely lately. It's been coming to a head, as my birthday approaches, and as I understand more things especially about what I should have done. I felt bad about this for most of July. I have had a lot of painful realizations lately about how I should have lived differently. I understand that I made mistakes but it's not like I committed actual crimes - I just struggled to fit myself in somewhere - so I hope I don't have to be punished for it for the rest of my life.

 

[Unsigned]

I intended to get some stuff done today but was sitting in my chair ranting and fuming for hours about it (not including my posts).

Don't feel too bad about it.
I intended to do a lot today as well, but really all I did was go to the store round 11 AM because I was almost out of toilet paper, then immediately started drinking when I got back. And have been doing that since. And it was beautiful out but I just stayed in watching TV and drinking. You're not the only one who wasted his Saturday.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Don't feel too bad about it.
I intended to do a lot today as well, but really all I did was go to the store round 11 AM because I was almost out of toilet paper, then immediately started drinking when I got back. And have been doing that since. And it was beautiful out but I just stayed in watching TV and drinking. You're not the only one who wasted his Saturday.

Oh man. Yeah, it sounds like today was a rough one across the board.
Was anything good on, at least?

Oh well, at least we can try to make up for it on Sunday.

 

[Unsigned]

Oh man. Yeah, it sounds like today was a rough one across the board.
Was anything good on, at least?

Oh well, at least we can try to make up for it on Sunday.

Nah just Law and Order SVU reruns.
Now I am watching Everyone Loves Raymond reruns...

 

[TheSkaFish]

Nah just Law and Order SVU reruns.
Now I am watching Everyone Loves Raymond reruns...

These last few years I've been getting into Hawaii Five-O on Fridays.

Sometimes it can do a person good to just unwind with a good show like you were doing though. At least Saturday is not a bad day for that.

 

[okidoke]

Also, I've been thinking about this a lot, and more intensely lately.

Yes, I think this is where we go wrong. We think, dwell, relive, etc about stuff too much when we just need to be keeping positively active. I know how it can be. It’s a depressive downward spiral. I’ve learned to recognise when I’m beginning to do it and try to do something positive or beneficial.

I feel your pain, I really do. I get a little put off, upset, annoyed, when I read some posts in here because it causes me to reflect upon my own self, my failings etc and so I respond a bit harshly, or maybe sound like I do, but it’s just my fears and anxieties that I’m trying to keep in check.

Sometimes it just takes time to discover what you really want to do or like to do, but everything takes practice. You don’t HAVE to be the best at it either. I’m no great pianist, and for various reasons over the past decade or more I’ve become quite terrible with my playing, but I can still sit there for ages and tinkle away on the keys in a way that mesmerises me and allows my mind to have a rest from the garbage. Same with my photography, same with my camping, or even mowing the lawn or weeding my garden.

Experience more life, more situations, more variety or people and places, and you might find what you need sooner than later, but if anything, you will learn more about yourself.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Woke up on time.
Having my morning coffee, finishing up a movie, and then going grocery shopping.

 

[RiceCrispie]

Thinking about how I am going to navigate a full 12 hour shift tonight with that annoying woman

 

[TheSkaFish]

Feeling tired. I went to bed at around 11:30 PM last night and woke up a little after 7:00 AM today.

I guess I didn't sleep that well, I'll have to try to go to bed earlier tonight.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Nothing to be sad about @NoxApex(N/A)

In fact, my sleep schedule is a LOT better than it used to be. I'm just fine-tuning it.

I figure the day is won or lost the night before, when you either get enough sleep, or you don't - so I might as well make things easier for myself, not harder, because they're already hard enough.

So far I can already see some changes. I'm starting to be able to wake up in the morning more naturally, instead of NEEDING coffee immediately

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Nothing to be sad about @NoxApex(N/A)

In fact, my sleep schedule is a LOT better than it used to be. I'm just fine-tuning it.

I figure the day is won or lost the night before, when you either get enough sleep, or you don't - so I might as well make things easier for myself, not harder, because they're already hard enough.

So far I can already see some changes. I'm starting to be able to wake up in the morning more naturally, instead of NEEDING coffee immediately

That's a good thing!
I'm often so busy that the sequence of events over the course of a week tend to blend between the days of each other. And then by the end of the week, I struggle to remember much from the week before. And the thing is, that I'm stone cold sober these days, so I can't even blame weed or whiskey for it.

I did nothing yesterday, and on purpose.
Which gave me the energy to do all the stuff I needed to do today.
And I have no idea wth tomorrow is going to bring me.
I would, if I lived alone, but when you live with 6 other people, it's kinda more like perpetual .

 

[TheSkaFish]

Went for my run in the (late) morning, then a couple hours of yardwork. Feeling so beat.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Going through one of those stretches where everything feels so played out, and I'm feeling so "meh" on everything.

It's hard for me to focus. Hard for me to know what I feel lately.