Frankly? Many more years of the same, more rumination over the past.
Unattached middle aged men are about as invisible as it's possible to be. It's ghost mode. Which is both a blessing and a curse.
Well, from my perspective, without the ruminations and despair, what's not to like, really?
Being alive can be f*cking incredibly awesome. It's just the survival part, that can really mess things up. Or, the mental hang-ups.
Despair for example, is, man, terrible. The thing about me, though, is. I never experienced despair (depression), until about 7 or so years ago now. And the majority of it, has actually been quite tolerable.
It's just the pesky nature of the mind... I think that's the big problem. For some people anti-depressants are a life saver; but, I think those cases are rare. They are pretty powerful drugs that can permanently alter the mind.
For example: David Foster Wallace. I haven't read his books, but I've seen an interview of him. He was brilliant. However, I suspect his reliance on tricyclic anti-depressants was both blessing and curse. It's possible those drugs gave him the motivation and spirit to author books and continue to write; but, those drugs, especially after years and years, and years, make it so your brain becomes absolutely reliant on them, and makes very heavy and well trodden modifications to both neural pathways and the internal chemistry within the brain. Well, I think the story goes, (let me double check wiki-pedia) yeah... 20 some years of tricyclic anti-depressants, and he stopped taking them on suggestion from the doctor, tried other things, went back on his go-to tricyclic, but, it was ineffective upon returning to it. Anyway, he ended his own life...
The thing for me is: I have such a clear memory of what my life used to be, before this state of mind that has befallen me, if that's the correct word. So, I know how beautiful, how amazing life can be: wondrous. And I also know by experience (I live around a lot of old folks), that life, at any stage, with the right mindset and conditions really can be amazing.
I mean just think about it: The glorious sun rises every god damn day. And when you don't see it, you get to enjoy the most exquisitely beautiful clouds, even better if it rains. Windy days are wondrous to me. There is the moon and the stars at night. There are more books in the world now, than there have ever been before, and each new day, that continues to ring true. One life couldn't even read all of them. Cinema kind of sucks lately, but there is so much great cinema in the past, again, one could spend their whole life devoted to it, and probably still miss a thing or two. There's other people, which, if you aren't riddled with social anxiety, people can be the most exquisite joy to get to know: whether it be in small doses, or intimately, etc.. There's absolutely no end to the delights and types of food and cuisine: one could explore that as a consumer, or as a cook, or both. Technology is kind of a crap shoot these days, but it's a very diverse world, and quite exciting to some people.
There's sport if you are into that, fitness, etc.. If one takes care of their body and mind, good health can follow you into your 80's (even 90's or 100's if you are lucky); if that's your thing, and for some it is.
There's theatre, the arts, philosophy, mathematics, physics.. So many things a person can just learn on their own, for free, or near zero cost, with access to the internet, libraries, or what have you.
There is botany, and the exquisite joy of watching things grow: you can grow edible foods, exotic plants, etc.. etc..
There's music: more music in the world now than there has ever been before, and each day that remains true. One can learn to pay an instrument as well.
There are games, from board games, to gambling games like poker, video games, etc.. Sure, if one makes it their whole life it can be detrimental, but, that's with almost anything.
So despair, among other things, really just robs you of life: spending all your time despairing about the past, or the future... It's terrible.
And not to speak of having one's health. A lot of people out there don't have that: can't work, disabled, etc.. And some of these people have the strongest wills to live, both in the sense of being alive, and actually truly living life, despite their predicament.
So, that's why I say, a pretty meager existence is something I could be quite comfortable with. And.. it's such a shame that survival, circumstance, and mental state, when not optimal, or worse, in poor condition, is really such a robber of life...
I dunno, just a bit of jumbled rambling, but, that's my thoughts on the matter. It can be hell to be alive, without really living. Sometimes it's just hell through and through.
People do find their ways out of it, though. Or perhaps, a way through it.
