What has been said to you about your singledom?

[TheRealCallie]

I do have a weakness in that I do care if I wind up in a relationship or not. I do really want to be in one. And I really do care about what kind of girl I find myself dating. I refuse to compromise my dreams.

If you're not prepared to compromise one bit then you can't really expect others to give you chance.

Well, that's not entirely true. Even the girl who was the best match for me I've ever met and am likely to ever meet (it's uncanny how similar our tastes were, the views we shared, the things we valued) had some things about her that I didn't agree with. She liked dubstep, at the time she smoked cigarettes, and had a few boyfriends before.

But I was willing to overlook those, because they were nothing compared to everything I thought was wonderful about her.

Wait, do you mean that you expect the girl you date to not have had any other boyfriends? And who cares what type of music she likes, does that really matter all that much?

The problem I'm seeing is that it's like you expect the girl to like EVERYTHING you like, feel the same way you do about everything, do the same things you do. But here's the thing with that, you will almost certainly not find that. The little things, like music and past relationships don't really matter in the long run because it's not really about that stuff. It's about how well you mesh, how well you communicate, how much you care. The "perfect" girl for you is likely one you wouldn't expect, it's unlikely to be who you think she is. When you set yourself that high on the standards list, you're up there in damn near impossible territory
When you find the right girl, you won't have to give up your dreams, because she will support them and support you. She will help you attain them.
But, if you keep chasing this "dream girl" you are searching for, chances are, you're only going to have her in your dreams.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Wait, do you mean that you expect the girl you date to not have had any other boyfriends? And who cares what type of music she likes, does that really matter all that much?

The problem I'm seeing is that it's like you expect the girl to like EVERYTHING you like, feel the same way you do about everything, do the same things you do. But here's the thing with that, you will almost certainly not find that.

The thing is, I did find that. I found someone who confirmed that my fantasy was indeed real. I found someone who did, in fact, like almost everything I liked. She liked other stuff as well, but she did like most of the stuff I liked, shared most of my views, and had a lot of traits that I admire and wish I had in myself. And on top of all of that, she was gorgeous. She was easily one of the best-looking girls I've ever seen, and I do mean ever - including celebrities and what not.

But that's what I was saying. Yes, she liked a few things that I was not crazy about, such as the dubstep and cigarettes and yes, even one tattoo. But that was the point I was making - that even the best fit for me that I've ever met wasn't a perfect fit. I know this. I was saying there are no perfect fits, but I would honestly be surprised if I ever met anyone who ever came closer than her.

I was saying that yes, I was aware of these things but I was willing to overlook them because she had so many things about her that I liked. All of them did. The problem in this particular case was that I did not have my life together when I met her, was not confident and interesting enough to keep up, and moved too slow.

And for your information, she's not even the girl who broke my heart. This is someone I met before that.

The little things, like music and past relationships don't really matter in the long run because it's not really about that stuff. It's about how well you mesh, how well you communicate, how much you care. The "perfect" girl for you is likely one you wouldn't expect, it's unlikely to be who you think she is. When you set yourself that high on the standards list, you're up there in damn near impossible territory
When you find the right girl, you won't have to give up your dreams, because she will support them and support you. She will help you attain them.
But, if you keep chasing this "dream girl" you are searching for, chances are, you're only going to have her in your dreams.

Yes....I know that.....we could talk and we did mesh well, and we had the potential to mesh further.

As far as all this meshing, supporting my dreams, trying to help me, and all that is concerned, I've heard this all before almost word for word from one of them. They were special.

I just felt that in this case, you saw I made a post about relationships and nit-picked it, when all I was really saying was that yes, even my "dream girls" had little somethings that I was willing to compromise on. But because they had such good traits about them and because we could talk, it didn't really feel like I would really have been compromising.

I feel like we were saying basically the same thing but you saw it was one of my posts so you decided to shoot first and ask questions later. I am open to being civil and polite and co-existing on the forum but please read what I'm saying before looking for something to fight me about. It just kinda wears me down a bit.

 

[matt4]

Well, it's been my experience that as a guy, showing too much emotion, desire, or faults of any kind too early really screws things up. Which is hard for me, because I feel a lot. And when I meet someone that meets my standards of perfectionism, I get so excited, I tend to open up to them completely, hopes, dreams, goals, fears, past mistakes, all of it right away - especially when they really open up to me.

The point I've been making, but it's difficult females to grasp understandably because they aren't on the other side. Neither do we males understand what females go through in terms of dating. Too much of those things being mentioned by the male messes any developing romantic relationship up early on.

What's wrong with someone looking for a dream woman or at least as close to one as possible? This is your partner for life (hopefully) you want to have as much in common as possible. A few difference don't hurt and are good. If someone clearly has dealbreakers that is their own personal preference. That's life, TheRealCallie.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I do have a weakness in that I do care if I wind up in a relationship or not. I do really want to be in one. And I really do care about what kind of girl I find myself dating. I refuse to compromise my dreams.

If you're not prepared to compromise one bit then you can't really expect others to give you chance.

Well, that's not entirely true. Even the girl who was the best match for me I've ever met and am likely to ever meet (it's uncanny how similar our tastes were, the views we shared, the things we valued) had some things about her that I didn't agree with. She liked dubstep, at the time she smoked cigarettes, and had a few boyfriends before.

But I was willing to overlook those, because they were nothing compared to everything I thought was wonderful about her.

I don't think you really compromise. This opinion is based off nearly everything I've read from you in the past. I do think you overlook though. You compare and if something isn't right up to where you hold your ruler, you overlook the female. You really are chasing something that's damn near impossible to get. It's common to have many things in common with who you date - or people you're friends with in general - but getting an exact measurement would mean you'd basically have to build someone. I think if you could handpick and customize a girl, you would, and that's not how any relationship should really be (in my opinion). People are flawed. We disagree with each other. We like different things. No one is perfect. And when you expect to get everything you want, I think you'll be overlooking a lot of people you would like if you paid them any mind. You're so caught up in what you want, you're overlooking what and how people really are.

Just my observation, anyway. You can strive for anything you like. Just don't hold out any room for complaints if you don't get 100% of what you want. People aren't like that.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't think you really compromise. This opinion is based off nearly everything I've read from you in the past. I do think you overlook though. You compare and if something isn't right up to where you hold your ruler, you overlook the female. You really are chasing something that's damn near impossible to get. It's common to have many things in common with who you date - or people you're friends with in general - but getting an exact measurement would mean you'd basically have to build someone. I think if you could handpick and customize a girl, you would, and that's not how any relationship should really be (in my opinion). People are flawed. We disagree with each other. We like different things. No one is perfect. And when you expect to get everything you want, I think you'll be overlooking a lot of people you would like if you paid them any mind. You're so caught up in what you want, you're overlooking what and how people really are.

Just my observation, anyway. You can strive for anything you like. Just don't hold out any room for complaints if you don't get 100% of what you want. People aren't like that.

I thought compromising and overlooking small things that you aren't crazy about in someone in favor of the whole, which you do like, was the same thing. I guess I'm a little confused about that. I never expected to get 100% of what I wanted but believe me, with that one girl I was describing, I would have gotten very, very close indeed and I really don't see how I ever will again. I just don't see it. The odds of meeting her were one in a million. Even the other girls I have been interested in were not quite like her. I mean, we had as much in common as I do with people I've been friends with for years and years. We had similar interests and similar views. And she had a lot of qualities that I don't yet have, but wish I had. It wasn't simple physical wanting, but real admiration.

By contrast, I have little to nothing in common with most people. No overlap, nothing to start with. I'm not even kidding. I look on the dating websites and find page after page of people that I am lucky to have one thing in common with - not even getting into physical attraction, which is a whole other can of worms. I don't even get it, because I don't think I'm that unique of a person.

I admit I am a perfectionist, but there would have been no need to build, handpick, and customize an ideal girl if I was dating her.

So I guess I'm just confused why anyone is picking bones with me about this. If anything I was realizing and accepting that even with my best match I'd have to compromise somewhere - but that it would have been very much worth it and wouldn't have bothered me at all. I am accepting that no one is perfect - but I have met someone who came as close to perfect as I believe I will ever find.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I never expected to get 100% of what I wanted but believe me, with that one girl I was describing, I would have gotten very, very close indeed and I really don't see how I ever will again. I just don't see it. The odds of meeting her were one in a million.

And why don't you think you ever will again? I would say that it didn't work out for a reason. You may never know the reason. You may find out tomorrow. But to say that you'll never find anyone else like her... Well, I just think that limits you right from the start.

I admit I am a perfectionist, but there would have been no need to build, handpick, and customize an ideal girl if I was dating her.

You have customized it though. You may not even realize how nit-picky you are. And by all means, be that way if that's the only way you'll ever accept. I'm certainly not saying you don't have the right to want or look for certain things. But like I said before, when ladies don't measure up to your ruler, don't say it was because she wasn't it for you; It was more likely because you didn't even want to give it a chance because she wasn't exactly as you wanted.

 

[ardour]

Honestly... your too picky, too critical, and everything you've said re-enforces that impression. You want a near perfect match.

But what makes you a suitable match for anyone, what do you bring to the party? Perhaps if you learn to appreciate differences, weaknesses even, rather than have contempt for them, you might find a partner. ATM I don't you're there yet.

 

[TheSkaFish]

And why don't you think you ever will again? I would say that it didn't work out for a reason. You may never know the reason. You may find out tomorrow. But to say that you'll never find anyone else like her... Well, I just think that limits you right from the start.

I know why it didn't work out. It's because I moved too slowly and I deeply regret it, along with not having myself together in time for me to have even stood a chance of success. The window of opportunity was very, very small. I never even asked her out. And I wasn't ready to keep up with her anyway. I was very behind, I wasn't really on her level. I only wanted to be.

But I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her again because I haven't before and I haven't since. Maybe I will. But it was pure chance that I met her in the first place, so that alone was one in a million. I just don't think it's very likely because most people don't think, talk, and act like her, nor do they have that same set of interests and ideals. Even for a person to have only some of the same, even that is very rare. I just don't think I'll find another like that due to probability.

You have customized it though. You may not even realize how nit-picky you are. And by all means, be that way if that's the only way you'll ever accept. I'm certainly not saying you don't have the right to want or look for certain things. But like I said before, when ladies don't measure up to your ruler, don't say it was because she wasn't it for you; It was more likely because you didn't even want to give it a chance because she wasn't exactly as you wanted.

I don't know. Maybe so. I'm after a certain kind of experience though, that is very hard to find.

---

Honestly... your too picky, too critical, and everything you've said re-enforces that impression. You want a near perfect match.

But what makes you a suitable match for anyone, what do you bring to the party? Perhaps if you learn to appreciate differences, weaknesses even, rather than have contempt for them, you might find a partner. ATM I don't you're there yet.

It's not so much that I have contempt for most people as it is that it's very hard to talk to someone that you don't have anything to talk to them about. Like I said, even my "one" wasn't EXACTLY like I wanted but she was definitely close enough. Most people don't even come within a mile of that, and it's like, it's bad enough that it's very unlikely I'll get to be with her so I'd like at least a little bit of a better match than that. There's a certain way I want to live, certain conversations I want to have, a certain kind of connection I want to have with someone that isn't really possible with most people. It's not contempt. It's more like, I want someone who's on a certain wavelength and almost nobody is. And when I meet someone who is, who can make me feel that certain way, it's special.

---

I don't even want to argue this, to be honest. It really doesn't matter anyway.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Even if you did get this oh so perfect girl, that doesn't mean it would have worked out. Just because you fancy her your soulmate or whatever doesn't make it so. Plain and simple, you don't know what a person is REALLY like until you date them. She could have had far worse things than just different taste in music and past boyfriends.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Even if you did get this oh so perfect girl, that doesn't mean it would have worked out. Just because you fancy her your soulmate or whatever doesn't make it so. Plain and simple, you don't know what a person is REALLY like until you date them. She could have had far worse things than just different taste in music and past boyfriends.

Well, whatever. I did get to know her, and she could have had worse things but I doubt it - in fact in any category that she did like something I did not, she also did like a lot of the same stuff as me. She just happened to like other things as well.

But in all likelihood it doesn't matter anyway.

Has anyone said anything to me about my singledom? No, not really. I think this is one situation in which I am truly on my own. I try not to give up hope, but some days are harder than others.

 

[VanillaCreme]

And why don't you think you ever will again? I would say that it didn't work out for a reason. You may never know the reason. You may find out tomorrow. But to say that you'll never find anyone else like her... Well, I just think that limits you right from the start.

I know why it didn't work out. It's because I moved too slowly and I deeply regret it, along with not having myself together in time for me to have even stood a chance of success. The window of opportunity was very, very small. I never even asked her out. And I wasn't ready to keep up with her anyway. I was very behind, I wasn't really on her level. I only wanted to be.

But I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her again because I haven't before and I haven't since. Maybe I will. But it was pure chance that I met her in the first place, so that alone was one in a million. I just don't think it's very likely because most people don't think, talk, and act like her, nor do they have that same set of interests and ideals. Even for a person to have only some of the same, even that is very rare. I just don't think I'll find another like that due to probability.

It didn't work out because it wasn't supposed to. If it is supposed to, then it would have, or it will. But it's not, so it didn't. I think you're stuck on the what-ifs of the situation instead of taking it for what it was. The lady, for whatever reasons she had, didn't want to be in a relationship with you. And there's nothing - her perfection, your expectation, your wants or needs - that can ever change that. You're stuck on the fact that you think she was so perfect for you, you don't even care that someone else might be compatible with you.

I know I shouldn't spend too much time pointing out things that you'll probably just talk around, because that's what you've done in the past, but it's a little disheartening to see someone talk the way you do, and basically have little to no hope in finding anyone else because you're still stuck on that what-if in your life.

Singledom sometimes stays that way when people don't care or want to change. People won't be exactly how you want them to be, and that includes potential partners.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It didn't work out because it wasn't supposed to. If it is supposed to, then it would have, or it will. But it's not, so it didn't. I think you're stuck on the what-ifs of the situation instead of taking it for what it was. The lady, for whatever reasons she had, didn't want to be in a relationship with you. And there's nothing - her perfection, your expectation, your wants or needs - that can ever change that. You're stuck on the fact that you think she was so perfect for you, you don't even care that someone else might be compatible with you.

I know I shouldn't spend too much time pointing out things that you'll probably just talk around, because that's what you've done in the past, but it's a little disheartening to see someone talk the way you do, and basically have little to no hope in finding anyone else because you're still stuck on that what-if in your life.

Singledom sometimes stays that way when people don't care or want to change. People won't be exactly how you want them to be, and that includes potential partners.

This was a girl I met before that other girl, before the one that I messed up with royally. I don't think it was because of fate or something like that. I just moved too slowly with her and we never really got to the point where asking her out would have made sense. She never actually rejected me because I never got a chance to ask. I just missed the window of opportunity. I do feel like I would have had a chance if I had more time to work with, but unfortunately, I did not.

Someone else might be (barely) compatible with me, but it's just not going to be the same. They are probably at best going to have just enough likable features about them to get through the day and by extension just get through life than to really enjoy it fully. It's going to be one of those situations where something is better than nothing, but not as good as it could have been. And it's hard for me to truly get excited about that.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Someone else might be (barely) compatible with me, but it's just not going to be the same. They are probably at best going to have just enough likable features about them to get through the day and by extension just get through life than to really enjoy it fully. It's going to be one of those situations where something is better than nothing, but not as good as it could have been. And it's hard for me to truly get excited about that.

You still don't want to change. That's all on you, too.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I just have to wonder how much you've worked this girl up in your head. Chances are likely that she's not as you "remember" her.