Whose to blame?

[simplesimonette]

Not saying that it is rational to place blame when there is no blame to place, but as humans we are always looking for explanations for enigmatic situations. The meaning of life, existential contemplation, the abundance of mismatched socks, Sasquatch ...
Do you blame your loneliness and social failures on yourself, your environment, your peers, or do you accept there aren't always going to be answers?

I feel that it's me. Something about me repels close relationships. There isn't anything I can specifically pinpoint, though, therefore no specific solution for me to implement.

I like who I am, though I feel I don't represent my real self well. I do accept my situation, but that doesn't stop me from pondering a viable solution from time to time. Time to time being meaning exhaustive obsessiveness, lol.

 

[Cucuboth]

I think now, I accept that there will never be an answer to why I seem to never belong anywhere, or fit in with anyone. It's always been this way. I can remember even before I started school, so, under the age of 5, and none of the kids in the street would ever play with me or let me join in. And it's continued like that till now, when I'm 36 ... almost 37. I've asked many times why people reject me. But never get an answer. Well, actually, when I do get an answer it is just the "someone will like you one day" answer. But nobody ever really has. I've been through all sorts of medical and physcological tests to see if there is something wrong in those areas, and apart from depression and anxiety, there doesn't appear to be a medical reason. It's just always been this way ....

But over the years I've seen some very, very, nasty people have plenty of friends, and relationships. They seem to get a second chance. And then a third chance. And a forth. And a fifth. I've heard plenty of times people say that these nasty people just need a chance. They just need someone to show trust in them. And so on, and so forth. And even though I am not nasty in any way ... most people would say that I'm boring ... I've always wondered why I can't have a first chance.

Some people can be blamed for certain actions that they have done though. They made choices to do or say things that they knew were damaging. Even some people who saw what was going on, but watched, and said or did nothing to stop it. Nothing to help.

But it's always been this way. I just don't fit in anywhere. I know some people say that you should be happy with your own company. And once, I was. And in some ways I still am. But there are parts of my life, experiences, I just want to share with someone.

Sorry for rambling a bit.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I could blame lots of people why I turned out this way but I never do. The thought of being alone the rest of my life scares me though. To me over the years I met some pretty cruel people and I always wondered why people were like that and what happened to them. And why their not happy and wondering if I can help in some way. The thing that made things worse was the fact I was always trying to help others but never myself. Society frowns upon so many things and going to school was a nightmare. I got named called for simply being different and cause I was quiet and was always writing in my journal. I observed a lot of things and saw horrible things kids did in my neighborhood. Overtime fear rose in me cause I've seen so much and I was only eight years old.

Through out the years I tried to put everything in perspective and could never come up with any answers why people are the way they are. Now nothing seems to surprise me anymore and it's sad. Until recently I'm trying to look at things in a better light. Only good thing is that I have a lot of patient and I never push myself to much. Everyone need someone, I only want one person to know the real me though and that's the person I love. Friends are great and I have a few but only a select few know the real me.

 

[perfanoff]

Do you blame your loneliness and social failures on yourself, your environment, your peers, or do you accept there aren't always going to be answers?

The only reason of being lonely may be that I'm single, thankfully I have close friends and live close to my family. And I'm single most probably because of the hard road I've went through. My academic growth didn't leave me time or money for taking care of myself and I still have some personal and health issues to fix. Hopefully that will gradually change, the track is already set.

 

[Veruca]

I don't blame anyone or anything but I do know that its me. I am the reason for my being alone. I have tried to identify what it is about me that attracts people for the short term, but never to stay. There are rarely fights, or detachment with time, or anything specific that leads to people moving away, but no matter how many people I befriend, at one point or another, I always find myself alone.

Deep down I feel like there is nothing really wrong with me, because often times, my conscience is clear, and when it isn't, I try to change myself for the better. But then I look around and everyone else seems to be doing well, so I conclude that it must be me. I have trouble accepting my fate, so I keep analyzing and trying to "fix" it in any way I can. Perhaps someday I will tire and accept what is. I am meant to be alone.

 

[Tealeaf]

Luck of the draw, childhood environment, and my own work to overcome it or lack thereof. It wasn't "fair" to simply be born into a poor environment or with a speech impediment, but what can you do? People overcome the same or worse every day, and I didn't want to be left behind still pouting so I've spent the years trying to learn wherever and whenever I can how to understand and deal with people and anxiety.

I overcame the speech impediment by middle school and the anxiety and social problems are starting to fade in college now. A couple years in customer service were useful, too, and I wound up being liked by the customers more than my own employers, which considering what legal line-toeing, micromanaging ******** they were isn't surprising. I remember one time another representative called me over to help a wheelchair-bound couple (don't know their illness, but they couldn't even move very well) get their items in his place, and the manager chewed me out the whole time over mic about missing my duties elsewhere even though I tried to explain the situation to him. He didn't want me to just leave them, but someone sure had to suffer.

 

[MindsArmor]

Blaming someone or something really never occured to me.

I don't blame myself for anything. I honestly feel I've tried to improve my social skills, I've tried not to be as antisocial.

I don't blame other people, why would they care about that one uninteresting loner when you already know plenty of people yourself?

I don't blame any friends for leaving, why put effort into that quiet person who rarely ever speaks and is difficult to talk to when have so many other fun people available with who you can easily talk to for hours?

Maybe if I were born and raised in a completely different environment I would have been a different person. But as it is now, I am who I am, I can't change that. I don't feel that if I had acted differently in the past my present would be significantly different.

 

[ReaderGuy]

I definitely blame myself for not yet being in a relationship. I was horribly antisocial in high school, and really only had a small group of guy friends that I talked to in my classes.

And in college I actually have made some girl friends, but I still am not in a relationship. And the only reason I was able to make these friends was because someone introduced me to them. If it wasnt for that I would be alone in my dorm thinking college sucks.

I blame nothing else but my own shyness.

 

[simplesimonette]

I think now, I accept that there will never be an answer to why I seem to never belong anywhere, or fit in with anyone. It's always been this way. I can remember even before I started school, so, under the age of 5, and none of the kids in the street would ever play with me or let me join in. And it's continued like that till now, when I'm 36 ... almost 37. I've asked many times why people reject me. But never get an answer. Well, actually, when I do get an answer it is just the "someone will like you one day" answer. But nobody ever really has. I've been through all sorts of medical and physcological tests to see if there is something wrong in those areas, and apart from depression and anxiety, there doesn't appear to be a medical reason. It's just always been this way ....

But over the years I've seen some very, very, nasty people have plenty of friends, and relationships. They seem to get a second chance. And then a third chance. And a forth. And a fifth. I've heard plenty of times people say that these nasty people just need a chance. They just need someone to show trust in them. And so on, and so forth. And even though I am not nasty in any way ... most people would say that I'm boring ... I've always wondered why I can't have a first chance.

Some people can be blamed for certain actions that they have done though. They made choices to do or say things that they knew were damaging. Even some people who saw what was going on, but watched, and said or did nothing to stop it. Nothing to help.

But it's always been this way. I just don't fit in anywhere. I know some people say that you should be happy with your own company. And once, I was. And in some ways I still am. But there are parts of my life, experiences, I just want to share with someone.

Sorry for rambling a bit.

No apology needed. I would think that this forum was created for that exact reason - to ramble, to vent, to explore. Please, ramble away.
I can so identify with what you've said. I've never understood why I'm practically friendless when people with less than desirable characteristics have an abundance of relationships. I get charisma, I do. I'm drawn to certain people as well, who have personalities that shine. But then there are people who are mean, disloyal, uninteresting, backstabbing and judgmental who have no problems retaining friends and making more. I don't get it at all ...
Not saying that I deserve more than another person - just wondering why I'm not afforded the same opportunities as others. Which is exactly what you're saying so I'm just repeating your post.

 

[Veruca]

But over the years I've seen some very, very, nasty people have plenty of friends, and relationships. They seem to get a second chance. And then a third chance. And a forth. And a fifth. I've heard plenty of times people say that these nasty people just need a chance. They just need someone to show trust in them. And so on, and so forth. And even though I am not nasty in any way ... most people would say that I'm boring ... I've always wondered why I can't have a first chance.

But then there are people who are mean, disloyal, uninteresting, backstabbing and judgmental who have no problems retaining friends and making more. I don't get it at all ...
Not saying that I deserve more than another person - just wondering why I'm not afforded the same opportunities as others.

This is just my personal observation, I don't mean to generalize. I notice that a lot of the people who remain friends with nasty people do so because they exhibit either

A. Some form of self victimizing behaviour. As in they feel like they deserve to be treated badly, or maybe its easier to feel sorry for oneself.

B. They are crazy forgiving and optimistic, as in they think that with time, nasty people might change ( a lot of women tend to do this, getting involved with bad boys thinking they can change them)

or

C. They share the same fundamental ideas that the nasty people do even if they themselves are not mean. For example, they could be superficial, much like how the mean people are superficial.

I could be completely wrong of course

 

[JustALonelyGuy]

I think now, I accept that there will never be an answer to why I seem to never belong anywhere, or fit in with anyone. It's always been this way. I can remember even before I started school, so, under the age of 5, and none of the kids in the street would ever play with me or let me join in. And it's continued like that till now, when I'm 36 ... almost 37. I've asked many times why people reject me. But never get an answer. Well, actually, when I do get an answer it is just the "someone will like you one day" answer. But nobody ever really has. I've been through all sorts of medical and physcological tests to see if there is something wrong in those areas, and apart from depression and anxiety, there doesn't appear to be a medical reason. It's just always been this way ....

But over the years I've seen some very, very, nasty people have plenty of friends, and relationships. They seem to get a second chance. And then a third chance. And a forth. And a fifth. I've heard plenty of times people say that these nasty people just need a chance. They just need someone to show trust in them. And so on, and so forth. And even though I am not nasty in any way ... most people would say that I'm boring ... I've always wondered why I can't have a first chance.

Some people can be blamed for certain actions that they have done though. They made choices to do or say things that they knew were damaging. Even some people who saw what was going on, but watched, and said or did nothing to stop it. Nothing to help.

But it's always been this way. I just don't fit in anywhere. I know some people say that you should be happy with your own company. And once, I was. And in some ways I still am. But there are parts of my life, experiences, I just want to share with someone.

Sorry for rambling a bit.

That is exactly how I feel right now. I am asking the very same questions althouh i feel I possess some of the answers and try to understand them to the best of my ability. In my life friends come and o. yes, some of it is my fault for pushin them away but for the most part, they either just fade away or they do somethin that breaks that friendship. I have stopped blaming and even hating them. Yes I even forgive them yet some of them I wouldnt even tell them that. The important thin I feel is about forgiveness is that you don't have to necessarily have to tell them 'you forive them'. Especially, if you feel they are not ready for it. Forgiveness for me, should always start 'in the heart'.

As for fitting in, i ahve tried many thins to 'fit in' and made the mistake of lettin society 'dictate; that for me or other people. fashions, political beleiefs, even religous beliefs and you can only imagine how that has turned out! Nowadays I am 'true' to myself. I am a libertarain who dresses how he's comfortable and his followin waht he 'believes' is the truth and why we are here etc.

There is nothing wrong with pondering with the questions that constantly keep popping up in your mind. The ebst thin about it, is that some in time you may even come up with answers to making life and your place in the world hopefully more bearable. it is atleast, what I wish for you. It is good to ask questions, but make sure you come to your own conclusions. Never let anyone i'nfluenece' your questions and perceptions of life. What is truth to one person amy not even be 'eveidence' to another. Hope this helps you along your path. much love

---

I think now, I accept that there will never be an answer to why I seem to never belong anywhere, or fit in with anyone. It's always been this way. I can remember even before I started school, so, under the age of 5, and none of the kids in the street would ever play with me or let me join in. And it's continued like that till now, when I'm 36 ... almost 37. I've asked many times why people reject me. But never get an answer. Well, actually, when I do get an answer it is just the "someone will like you one day" answer. But nobody ever really has. I've been through all sorts of medical and physcological tests to see if there is something wrong in those areas, and apart from depression and anxiety, there doesn't appear to be a medical reason. It's just always been this way ....

But over the years I've seen some very, very, nasty people have plenty of friends, and relationships. They seem to get a second chance. And then a third chance. And a forth. And a fifth. I've heard plenty of times people say that these nasty people just need a chance. They just need someone to show trust in them. And so on, and so forth. And even though I am not nasty in any way ... most people would say that I'm boring ... I've always wondered why I can't have a first chance.

Some people can be blamed for certain actions that they have done though. They made choices to do or say things that they knew were damaging. Even some people who saw what was going on, but watched, and said or did nothing to stop it. Nothing to help.

But it's always been this way. I just don't fit in anywhere. I know some people say that you should be happy with your own company. And once, I was. And in some ways I still am. But there are parts of my life, experiences, I just want to share with someone.

Sorry for rambling a bit.

That is exactly how I feel right now. I am asking the very same questions althouh i feel I possess some of the answers and try to understand them to the best of my ability. In my life friends come and o. yes, some of it is my fault for pushin them away but for the most part, they either just fade away or they do somethin that breaks that friendship. I have stopped blaming and even hating them. Yes I even forgive them yet some of them I wouldnt even tell them that. The important thin I feel is about forgiveness is that you don't have to necessarily have to tell them 'you forive them'. Especially, if you feel they are not ready for it. Forgiveness for me, should always start 'in the heart'.

As for fitting in, i ahve tried many thins to 'fit in' and made the mistake of lettin society 'dictate; that for me or other people. fashions, political beleiefs, even religous beliefs and you can only imagine how that has turned out! Nowadays I am 'true' to myself. I am a libertarian who dresses how he's comfortable and his following waht he 'believes' is the truth and why we are here etc.

There is nothing wrong with pondering with the questions that constantly keep popping up in your mind. The best thing about it, is that some in time you may even come up with answers to making life and your place in the world hopefully more bearable. it is atleast, what I wish for you. It is good to ask questions, but make sure you come to your own conclusions. Never let anyone i'nfluenece' your questions and perceptions of life. What is truth to one person amy not even be 'eveidence' to another. Hope this helps you along your path. much love

 

[simplesimonette]

But over the years I've seen some very, very, nasty people have plenty of friends, and relationships. They seem to get a second chance. And then a third chance. And a forth. And a fifth. I've heard plenty of times people say that these nasty people just need a chance. They just need someone to show trust in them. And so on, and so forth. And even though I am not nasty in any way ... most people would say that I'm boring ... I've always wondered why I can't have a first chance.

But then there are people who are mean, disloyal, uninteresting, backstabbing and judgmental who have no problems retaining friends and making more. I don't get it at all ...
Not saying that I deserve more than another person - just wondering why I'm not afforded the same opportunities as others.

This is just my personal observation, I don't mean to generalize. I notice that a lot of the people who remain friends with nasty people do so because they exhibit either

A. Some form of self victimizing behaviour. As in they feel like they deserve to be treated badly, or maybe its easier to feel sorry for oneself.

B. They are crazy forgiving and optimistic, as in they think that with time, nasty people might change ( a lot of women tend to do this, getting involved with bad boys thinking they can change them)

or

C. They share the same fundamental ideas that the nasty people do even if they themselves are not mean. For example, they could be superficial, much like how the mean people are superficial.

I could be completely wrong of course

I agree with you completely.
I've always felt though is people who choose to be friends with those who don't exhibit friendly behavior is because they have something to offer that I don't. Social connections, money, status, entertainment. I was friends with a crazy woman once because her family life was like a Spanish Novella. I'm not proud of it but her life also made me feel better about myself. I'm f*cked up but compared to her, I was pretty normal. Plus the drama was addicting and entertaining ... I'm so superficial!