Why can’t I get along with women?

[Triple Bogey]

I don't understand why your wasting time and energy on this matter ?
She is someone who you work with, nothing more.

 

[SofiasMami]

ardour,
If your thread were titled Why Can't I get Along With This Woman, I might think that this is a passing problem. One is led to think with your posts, however, that you are the common denominator in your problems with women.
I don't think your problems will be solved on this forum and it is difficult for anyone to look at their own problems objectively. But if you're facing a vexatious issue, you need to think in different ways and therein you might find an answer or some insight at the very least.

-Teresa

 

[ardour]

deleted

 

[ardour]

I don't understand why your wasting time and energy on this matter ?
She is someone who you work with, nothing more.

She's only just started going to the break room and getting to know people outside of our small department, 2 weeks before leaving. It bothers me that someone would cut themselves off socially for so long just to avoid the possibility that I might speak to them. She probably complains about that to her boyfriend, that she didn't get to know them earlier because "that creep was around", or something like this. She's gone... then it happens again with the next person, then the next, then life consists of a string of these experiences forcing me to conclude there will always be many women who feel utter contempt for me. I hope however replaces her is a guy or a woman over 40.

 

[jd7]

So I will state the obvious: women and men are different. One of the key differences is in communication styles and capabilities. Women have historically been, and largely still are, the home makers. Because men were/are often alone, our ability or tendency to be diplomatic and sensitive to others with our communications is not the same as that of women. They stayed behind and kept community going in the immediate family, the extended family, and within the community - all essential to family survival. Women are communicators because they've had to be since the dawn of time. On average, depending on the study cited, they tend to speak between four to seven times as many words as men. Another part of communication is the nonverbal aspect. Women also are much more intuitive - depending on the study cited, I've read up to ten times more in tune with the 93 percent of communication that is nonverbal - into not only what is said but into how it is said, when it is said, or even those things that go unsaid. This means that, despite one's best efforts to remain locked away inside oneself and to erect a barrier of separation, the woman in the environment will still perceive a steady stream of communication coming from a man - even a quiet, subdued man. Then she is left to interpret or contextualize these behaviors. Make no mistake, being "on guard" is a behavior, and it is one that makes some uncomfortable because they must interpret it. If you are having constant negative experiences with women in general, it is because you have failed to realize that they are different - more communicative, more perceptive, more emotionally tuned in - and that your protective barrier is allowing a stream of messages theough that they are reading while you are unaware you are even communicating it. Subscribing to the notion that women are dishonest simply because they are more diplomatic with their words, or opinions, or revelations, or timing is unfair - to them and to you. They're really not that mysterious; they simply know things without being told. So send positive, trusting, engaging, unprotected communications toward them and the vast majority will return the same to you. But understand, you cannot hide contempt, fear, and distrust simply by being guarded and aloof.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't understand why your wasting time and energy on this matter ?
She is someone who you work with, nothing more.

She's only just started going to the break room and getting to know people outside of our small department, 2 weeks before leaving. It bothers me that someone would cut themselves off socially for so long just to avoid the possibility that I might speak to them. She probably complains about that to her boyfriend, that she didn't get to know them earlier because "that creep was around", or something like this. She's gone... then it happens again with the next person, then the next, then life consists of a string of these experiences forcing me to conclude there will always be many women who feel utter contempt for me. I hope however replaces her is a guy or a woman over 40.

Can you back this up with any evidence ?
Have you heard a woman call you a 'creep' ?
I don't want to hurt your feelings but you sounds a little paranoid. I don't believe all these women are avoiding you for no reason.

 

[ardour]

I didn't say without reason. There would have to be reasons, probably to do with the previous post above (awkwardness, negative non-verbal vibes I'm unaware of, along with the unappealing frown-face of course)

 

[VanillaCreme]

So she didn't like you. Is that really a crime? A bit rude of her to call you a creep, but that's her opinion. Maybe smile to the next person? A simple smile can go a long way.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I didn't say without reason. There would have to be reasons, probably to do with the previous post above (awkwardness, negative non-verbal vibes I'm unaware of, along with the unappealing frown-face of course)

I have a unappealing frown face and the women at work seem to like me.

 

[jd7]

Awkardness may not be the issue. A continued focus on that will likely lead you down the wrong path. Women everywhere embrace awkward guys. Often, in my experience, women are the most understanding and accepting of awkwardness in men. Rather, I suspect one root cause of your troubles is your reactionary nature. I've read this thread through from beginning to end and the common theme is a man who can't stop looking for (even digging for) cues from every woman in his environment about how he should or should not act.

This is reactionary behavior. Even this thread's very existence is a testament to your constant focus on 'what women think of you.' Much of this thread is an informal poll on 'what the women here think of what the women there think of you.' And 'what they think about your thoughts about what those women may or may not be thinking.' If reading those last few sentences made you dizzy, that is a step in the right direction. I know this sounds harsh, but it is not intended to be.

Now, consider the following: It's not your awkwardness. It's your reactionary nature. Recall that women are many times more tuned in to nonverbal communication. The cues you are sending don't say "I am awkward" and in fact say "I need you to tell me how to behave. Please show me. I'm terrified to do or say something wrong. You scare me." Now, consider the pressure that puts on a person who is receiving all of those signals loud and clear.

It's not your self-proclaimed ugliness. It's not. Women befriend and date ugly men all the time. Many are married, kave kids, a family...

It's not your self-proclaimed awkwardness. It's not. Women befriend and date awkward men all the time. Just as above...

In your fear of women and fear of their rejection, you now communicate a sort of relational paralysis where you want the woman to lead so that you may follow and do nothing wrong. Perfectly logical thought: "If I am very observant, sensitive, polite, and careful, she will have no logical reason to dislike me." The fatal flaw with this tactic is that women are intuitive enough to read it. Then, they are in the position of being psychoanalyzed.

Lastly, a practical recommendation: Quit trying to apply rational analysis to understanding women. How's that working for you? You will never understand them. I don't even understand them. It's about accepting and celebrating our differences. That's the key.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Lastly, a practical recommendation: Quit trying to apply rational analysis to understanding women. How's that working for you? You will never understand them. I don't even understand them. It's about accepting and celebrating our differences. That's the key.

Brilliant statement!
I feel the exact same way about men. Complicated critters, they are. lol

 

[HappyYogi]

Hi Amour,

I believe everything you say and yes, I think something odd is going on. And yes she is displaying a "dislike" of you.

What I think would be good is if you can get a friend, either female or male, or a therapist you trust, who will be honest (but gentle) with you as to how you are coming across.

Sometimes it's just one thing.

There is this dating coach who does this with people who have trouble getting bf's and gf's. She wrote the book "Get Over Yourself". She actually meets with them and sits near their first dates (secretly) to see how you are doing. Then she'll tell you the truth of what they are doing to turn off the opposite sex.

That is what you need.

Not to make you all wrong. You sound perfectly fine to me and the woman you wrote about in the post sounds fickle...but still, it would be good to know what might be causing this.

I am a 47 year old woman. If I could help you I would.