Worried about the future.

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I've had a drink in me but this is really starting to worry me.

It took me a very long time to find Mrs. Right but I wasn't Mr Right as I was a bit of a $*#*&# and I accept that. It took many years to find out I wasn't the right person for my beloved and I don't know if I can wait that long again to find out I'm not right. I want children but I don't think I ever will now because if it taken me so long the last time to find out we weren't right, I'll have to wait the same time or longer again and I'll be too old for kids and I don't want to bring up kids in a broken family, I've been there its **** and I don't want it for mine.

Argh, does that all even make sense.

Mega Depression hitting in, no helped by alcohol.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Yeah that makes sense. If you know what doesn't make you Mr Right can't you use that to be Mr Right for the next person?

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

But it took me near a good chunk of a decade to work out I wasn't Mr Right. Up until this everything was pretty great.

I don't want to do that again. More to the point, my heart just isn't in it to do it again.

---

AND!!!!

they always say there is always someone better for you out there and all that. I really don't think there was, I think I was given the best and screwed it up because I'm a dick. It's been almost a year and she still has a hold of my heart. I can gauge a good day by how long it takes me to think about her when I get up. I am torturing myself and I know it.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

makes total sense to me man, but you know patience is a virtue, so if ur not willing to be patient till mrs right comes along, i'd say you wouldnt be patient when she does, so itd be highly likely that you would still be mr wrong repeating the same mistakes again, maybe waiting isnt the main concern here maybe self evaluation & change is? Does that make sense?

---

Because to me finding Mrs Right is worth waiting for, its worth starting all over again, its worth taking what you have learned from your last relationship & changing the things about you that need to be changed, love is worth all the effort & all of the steps needed, no matter how painstaking they seem, to me love is worth hurting for.

 

[Cavey]

For a very long time I felt the same way as you do. I'm 38 and I was married to a beautiful, kind and gentle woman in 2000. I spent the next 7 years being insecure, selfish, emotionally abusive and generally being a *******. In the end, she left me and has had pretty much zero contact with me since that day.

I kept hoping she'd come back. I dreamed about her every night. I used to talk to her when I felt lonely and imagine that somewhere she could hear me. The fact that I'd sabotaged the entire relationship meant that I felt immense guilt and a huge amount of regret at what could have been. I clung on to her memory and just couldn't let go. All it ended up doing was bringing me even more pain.

Right now, I wish I hadn't concentrated on her so much, because I wasted 6 years of my life just longing for her. I now accept that, in all likelihood, I will never set eyes on her again. The dreams only come very occasionally and I can live some semblance of a 'normal' life.

I sincerely hope that one day I will meet someone else that I feel just as strongly about, but this time I will take the lessons I learned from my marriage and hopefully they will give the new relationship a better chance of lasting. Until that time comes, I will continue to work on myself so that I don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

For a very long time I felt the same way as you do. I'm 38 and I was married to a beautiful, kind and gentle woman in 2000. I spent the next 7 years being insecure, selfish, emotionally abusive and generally being a *******. In the end, she left me and has had pretty much zero contact with me since that day.

I kept hoping she'd come back. I dreamed about her every night. I used to talk to her when I felt lonely and imagine that somewhere she could hear me. The fact that I'd sabotaged the entire relationship meant that I felt immense guilt and a huge amount of regret at what could have been. I clung on to her memory and just couldn't let go. All it ended up doing was bringing me even more pain.

Right now, I wish I hadn't concentrated on her so much, because I wasted 6 years of my life just longing for her. I now accept that, in all likelihood, I will never set eyes on her again. The dreams only come very occasionally and I can live some semblance of a 'normal' life.

I sincerely hope that one day I will meet someone else that I feel just as strongly about, but this time I will take the lessons I learned from my marriage and hopefully they will give the new relationship a better chance of lasting. Until that time comes, I will continue to work on myself so that I don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

cavey what you posted is beautiful man, is deeply humbling and bravely honest, I sincerely hope you do find another love to replace the last and cherish the mistakes of the past to bless your future, and I hope others who read this take from your words the truth & wisdom that lays in them to both comfort and guide them into a better state of being, best wishes dude!

 

[perfanoff]

I think Ms. or Mr. Perfect doesn't exist but people decide to have kids anyway.
If things go well most of the time, what's stopping you to have children? Of course she would need to want them too.

 

[Tuppence]

Just because it took you a decade to work it out last time, it doesn't mean it will take a decade every time.

You've learned a lot about yourself from that decade and I'm sure that knowledge will always stay with you. The stuation will never be quite the same because you're different.

I really hope it works out for you.

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

Tuppence if I'm honest, it doesn't. I distrust myself now and more importantly everything I have learnt about myself, I don't like.

I actually don't know how I am ever going to meet anyone again, all I do is work and sit in the house. I can't socially drink because I turn into a psychopathic monster these days and I don't have any hobbies because I actually don't know what I like anymore. Even worse I am not a sociable or approachable person, I spend all day in a job were I deal with people and I am very good at it and complimented by how good I am at dealing with people but once the bell rings for the end of the day I am exhausted with the pretence and the last thing I want to do is make inane chit chat with someone.

 

[LoneKiller]

Perhaps you are worrying too much. Trying too hard.
If you want it bad enough, try not drinking to mask your pain. It will only increase it it's intensity in the future.