I am the exact opposite of this.
When young I did want a girlfriend, but I was OK with living life the way I was doing things.
I wasn't getting depressed over it.
Yep. This was me as well.
I didn't do things in the same way of course.
I didn't even look at porn, drink, smoke weed, anything.
I actually didn't want any of that sh*t.
In fact, I kind of disliked how I saw the interest in sex take over people's lives, and push out more innocent interests. You reached a certain age, and all the sudden everything was about sex, or about being "edgy" - no one just liked things for liking things' sake anymore. It seemed like a cold, cynical turn for the worse - especially because in that world, your value isn't determined by you, but by others. You don't have value inherently, like I thought I was taught to believe. It meant to embrace the a**hole "cool kids'" belief system of predetermination, that you were only as good as what you were born with, and what others said you were. I wasn't born with the right body and background to be an "insider", and I never liked the idea that I could only get so far in their hierarchy, and no more.
When I was younger, my interests really were enough.
It was enough for me to get lost in fandom universes and geek out over the smallest details.
It was basically all Star Wars all the time.
I thought, this is me, this is my interest, it's who I am, and it's a free country - I'm getting my work done, I'm not hurting or bothering anyone, I can do what I want, I don't have to be fake and conform, that's obeying the a**holes, why would I want to play that game just so I can lose and be a willing participant in my own humiliation, and in acknowledging people I hated as superior?
I can't be like the bros even if I wanted to, I'm staying in my lane and not trying to be something I'm not/not trying to be cool and fit in, so why can't I like what I like in peace?
Besides I thought I shouldn't want to, because they seemed to do the opposite of everything I was taught was mature and morally right - and were rewarded despite/because of it, something I
hated to no end.
But I thought, I just have to wait longer than the dudebros, bad boys, and the guys that were good at stuff like people that had their own bands or something like that (to be fair, this latter group wasn't necessarily bad, I only mention them because like the bad ones, women chose them first because they were impressive).
But I'll get my turn, and I was content to wait in that peace of mind.
I thought women will outgrow those guys one day, realize they're misogynistic jerks, and give me a chance.
I thought no one knows who they are at that age, or who they like, it can change from one year to the next.
And I thought, I'm supposed to just worry about getting good grades anyway.
I just have to wait longer, is all.
I might as well make myself comfortable while I get my work done and wait my turn.
And wait...
And wait...
And wait...
I think you see where this is going.
Looking back, I don't know.
On the one hand I still think it was good that I stayed true to my interests and nature, and wholesome values I was raised with, and didn't embrace cynicism.
And that for most of my life there really wasn't anyone around that I would have been a good match with anyway.
It also took me a long time to leave the "hot girl" thing behind, and to realize that I didn't even like most of them as people, I found them either obnoxious, cold, shallow, immature, boring, or just not relatable. I couldn't have true feelings for them, I couldn't actually care about them, or get the emotional closeness and warmth from them that I wanted. Our beliefs and worldviews don't match, in fact they're opposites - they're pro-hierarchy (because it benefits them), and I'm anti- - perhaps for self-interest as well, but I do think it's the higher, more civilized, and kinder way. I would not have felt good to actually live with them every day. We didn't even have anything to talk about.
However, now I think I should have been more balanced. As a man you have to tick off so many boxes. I compared myself to the bros, that it was all just automatic for, not realizing that they had their boxes ticked off by default where I did not - they were playing the same game as me, but on Easy mode while I had no choice but to play on Hard. Maybe I was still OK to not date, or even be interested in it back then, but I should have been taking the time to build myself up as a complete person - career, style, something to make me cool/exciting/like myself, etc. Instead, I kind of gave up on myself from the beginning out of feeling that I wasn't as "high quality" or lucky as most people seemed to be, and I didn't really try to challenge that, because I thought you're either born with it or you're not. I stayed in that place of feeling insulted and angry about it, instead of doing something to attack the problem - I didn't think I was talented or lucky enough to attack it, and I thought if I could just get into the white-collar world, none of this would matter anyway. I could get the stuff I wanted, the car, the clothes, lift weights, and I'd finally get out of loserdom and reach "good enough".
Now, I'm older, and I think I've figured it out.
It was OK for me to like whatever fandoms I wanted to, but I needed to balance that with something that gave me a sense of strength, power, and pride. Deep down I always wanted that. That was always the antidote to the loser narrative I both felt stuck in, and hated - but that I never believed I could, because of talent.
And I never believed I had to, because I thought school was all that mattered and I felt that while I was not the best, I was good enough. There was a better tier that I was not in, but I was still grouped with the people that are professionals today, smarts-wise.
Now I know how the game works and how I should have always played my cards.
I have a better sense of who I am and what I want to go for.
But while I still feel as vital, energetic, in my best shape since high school, and mentally sharp as ever, maybe sharper - still as I approach 40 I'm afraid it's too little, too late.
