Ashamed...

[mgill]

Regarding the original post...

If there seems to be a pattern to the eventual breakup of all your previous relationships you have to find out what's at the root of it and perhaps it will shed some light on why you feel that shame now. I don't know how you acted in each of those situations and in what way you contributed to the collapse of each relationship (if at all). Did previous partners made you feel ashamed for your desires or did you do something that you have not acknowledged? That analysis is up to you - but it is important.

Especially when we are young we find ourselves "blinded by emotions" due to a lack of experience and bodies and brains running in autopilot. Some never grow out of it. But we cannot always act on emotion in matters of love - idealistic notions of romantic love aside, that's all a sham anyway - I'd go ahead and say: actually avoid it. Many situations require us to act counterintuitively. To make the rational choice and to think long-term.

Some women spend their whole lives alone because they cannot find a beautiful soul, because they're tired of men wearing a mask of beauty on the outside and being eaten alive by worms on the inside. Some women are feeling doomed and they are not able to trust anyone anymore and it's all because of the bad choices they've made in the past.
I'm telling you... There are many women out there broken and unable to smile anymore because they never met a man with a good soul. No statistic knows about those women. Because those women remain hidden, they will never admit out loud the tragedy in their hearts.
So... atleast for one second, forget about those statistics. They're not the ultimate truth.

I think it is easy to switch the genders in that paragraph and still have it make sense. I hate to bring up suicide statistics (for men in particular) but if we talk about broken people that naively made bad choices and don't admit the tragedy in their hearts? This seems to be as close as it gets.

For what it's worth neither statistics nor this...spiritual(?) approach is the truth. For all I know I can buck the trend as an individual while still being well aware that I'm a statistical outlier. It's best not to bother others with my survivor bias of how they can "absolutely make it" just because I personally got lucky. I still encourage them to try their best but I have no illusions that some of us have it a lot tougher than others. Sadly our lives are finite and I cannot expect anyone to keep up a happy-go-lucky attitude forever. There's no shame in giving up after decades of rejection, I can only hope that they find their peace and purpose in other ways.

media & cinema shape the expectations of most people-especially when they are children. 

I think that's a case of putting the cart before the horse. Media and entertainment are more a reflection of the current culture so they are already manifested expectations, at least of the people who come up with the stories. Few get their expectations from the media but they seek out the media that fulfills their expectations or desires, like the people that seek romance movies with a surefire happy end. Perhaps if you grow up in isolation. Otherwise your family, friends and acquaintances and your immediate social environment as a whole will give you an image of what is normal and expected.

perhaps there is some truth to this but i still think you are vaslty underestimating the influence that media & movies have on popular culture. maybe the effect was far more limited in the past prior to cell phones & the internet but has increased exponentially due to these platforms.  just look at the billions in ad revenue that is thrown at content creators on youtube, tiktok and other social media platforms.  this would not be happening if what you suggest were accurate. 

for me, the hardest part is envy for the people who have what i never will along knowing it's because i am not good enough and cannot do anything to change this.  life has little meaning when one has no one to share it with imo.

 

[TheRealCallie]

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for some it is more of a nightmare...

Some people's nightmares would be another person's dream.

i don't see how that's possible in this case.  a person who has options yet chooses not to pursue them is far different than a person who craves intimacy yet is unable to experience it due to their inferior genetics.

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Inferior genetics....really?  Isn't that just another excuse to give up instead of continuing to try to find the right person for you?  You know, even for people without "inferior genetics" it sometimes takes a while to find the right person.  For them, sometimes, they just have to get through all the wrong people first.  That's not always better.

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it is merely an accurate statement as i am below average in height, bald and at best average (but likely also below average) facially. it's also not a matter of just finding the "right person" because as i said i have not even had a single date in over 7 years despite trying just about everything (pre covid-currently it is virtually impossible to connect aside from OLD). each failure & rejection is much worse than the last and just serves to reinforce my complete lack of attractiveness to the opposite ***.  too bad i am not gay though as i have had a couple of men tell me i was attractive but that does not do me any good whatsoever.

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It is not an accurate statement though, because my "husband" is shorter than me, has a receding hairline, has partial dentures (got them at 24) and is not society's idea of "good looking" 
Sounds to me like something else is going on....and yes yes, I know, I wouldn't understand or I don't know what I'm talking about or my personal experience doesn't matter or whatever else people like to say to that comment.

 

[user 115627]

perhaps there is some truth to this but i still think you are vaslty underestimating the influence that media & movies have on popular culture. maybe the effect was far more limited in the past prior to cell phones & the internet but has increased exponentially due to these platforms.  just look at the billions in ad revenue that is thrown at content creators on youtube, tiktok and other social media platforms.  this would not be happening if what you suggest were accurate. 

for me, the hardest part is envy for the people who have what i never will along knowing it's because i am not good enough and cannot do anything to change this.  life has little meaning when one has no one to share it with imo.

The difference is the technological interconnectedness which can spread messages and connect interest groups much more than it ever could before, that much is true. But I don't believe in things just coming into existence. The popularity of a Youtuber is a result of the technology being able to widely tap into the arguably even primitive desires of millions. When it comes to popular culture I would put more stock into the language, the zeitgeist, accompanying historical events and traditions than into media. But I don't want to push the issue too hard, we can agree to disagree here.

It is not an accurate statement though, because my "husband" is shorter than me, has a receding hairline, has partial dentures (got them at 24) and is not society's idea of "good looking" 
Sounds to me like something else is going on....and yes yes, I know, I wouldn't understand or I don't know what I'm talking about or my personal experience doesn't matter or whatever else people like to say to that comment.

If you do speak from personal experience then perhaps you should not omit parts of the story such as the current state of the relationship, the state of mind you were in when you entered the relationship or the self-image you had at the time. People evolve after all and if a relationship worked in the past but only temporarily, that can also be mere proof that the persons involved were "different" at the time - which was not necessarily in anyone's favor.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It is not an accurate statement though, because my "husband" is shorter than me, has a receding hairline, has partial dentures (got them at 24) and is not society's idea of "good looking" 
Sounds to me like something else is going on....and yes yes, I know, I wouldn't understand or I don't know what I'm talking about or my personal experience doesn't matter or whatever else people like to say to that comment.

If you do speak from personal experience then perhaps you should not omit parts of the story such as the current state of the relationship, the state of mind you were in when you entered the relationship or the self-image you had at the time. People evolve after all and if a relationship worked in the past but only temporarily, that can also be mere proof that the persons involved were "different" at the time - which was not necessarily in anyone's favor.

The current state of the relationship is irrelevant because his appearance had nothing to do with it.  He became an alcoholic abusive ******* and he left me. 
My state of mind and self image was actually quite healthy when I entered the relationship.  Those issues didn't present until after we were married a few years and I had a baby and he started drinking. 
If it weren't for the drinking and the abusive ****, we would likely still be together.  

So yeah, I didn't omit them because I'm hiding them, I omitted them because they were irrelevant. 

Also, all but two of the guys I have dated were shorter than me.  And several of them were not society's idea of what is good looking.

 

[ardour]

OP, perhaps you were/are bordering on co-dependent and prone to make poor relationship decisions as a result. There's a myriad of issues that contribute to that.

 

[Abstamyous]

OP, perhaps you were/are bordering on co-dependent  and  prone to make poor relationship decisions as a result. There's a myriad of issues that contribute to that.

This was my thought as well.

 

[iseestars]

OP, perhaps you were/are bordering on co-dependent  and  prone to make poor relationship decisions as a result. There's a myriad of issues that contribute to that.

I'm not sure what co-dependent is.  You mean I depend on other people to be happy? I would say I'm not like that but I don't know myself too well so maybe I'm wrong.

 

[iseestars]

Hello again everyone! : ) Regarding the OP I just wanted to let you all know that I feel much better now. I feel as if things were  left suspended in the air regarding the OP and I wanted to make it all clear now, I like closures. : )

 I want to thank you all for helping me with your advices and thoughts. I feel very welcomed on this forum and I am really grateful I find you guys. You're all awesome and I know that most of us are going through hard times but I believe everything will work out fine in the end (sorry my annoyingly optimistic side is making its way through again : D but I do promise I will refrain from being overly optimistic , I know it wouldn't be fair towards the people who are suffering a lot here) .

Anyway... See you soon, beautiful people ! 

Weekend is coming and beware, I might flood the forum with many new threads.. : D Just joking (or not : D) 


P.S. OP means "Original Post", right? I saw many people use OP and thought I should use it too but I'm not exactly sure if I understood its meaning correctly : D

 

[Minus]

Yes post or poster.

 

[iseestars]

Yes post or poster.

For the record I should mention I'm usually an introvert and silent like a rock........................

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Actually that's a lie... I always talk too much... : D