Bender's Journal: Part 2

[Just Games]

Hi Bender I think it's amazing how you put so much effort and research into finding the right lady and not giving up.Alot of people on here think online dating is pants,I dunno have no experience.Why do you think you have so much success at meeting so many women.

If you meet a lady that has alot of negative traits but she's ideal in every other way do you think you could maybe investigate why they  so negative,look into past experiences and maybe inject some of your positivity and enthusiasm or is it a lost cause.I probs not too experienced in this but what do you think?

 

[bender22]

Hi Bender I think it's amazing how you put so much effort and research into finding the right lady and not giving up.Alot of people on here think online dating is pants,I dunno have no experience.Why do you think you have so much success at meeting so many women.

If you meet a lady that has alot of negative traits but she's ideal in every other way do you think you could maybe investigate why they  so negative,look into past experiences and maybe inject some of your positivity and enthusiasm or is it a lost cause.I probs not too experienced in this but what do you think?

Thank you Just Games, I appreciate that

I think I have more success now because I've put a lot of time into figuring it out and finding ways to make it work for me. When I first tried online dating, it didn't really work for me, I couldn't get any dates from it. Since then I've spent a lot of time perfecting my profile, getting good photos, testing different messages, studying what works for other people.

I do think it's a shame that so many people just dismiss online dating without giving it a real go. I know it can be difficult for some people who aren't so physically attractive. But those same people could probably get better results just by getting better photos, getting in good shape and making the most of the matches they do get.

And yes if I met someone who was negative but ideal in every other way, I would definitely make an effort to inject some positivity and try to get past the negativity. But from my experience, it's pretty difficult to overcome negativity in other people.

 

[bender22]

Sunday Night Date

Second date with this girl. Almost seemed like she was in a bad mood when we first met up but quickly turned that around. Everything went fairly smooth from there.

We had dinner, went for a walk and then I invited her back to my place. Definitely getting a lot more confident bringing these dates back home now..and having more success with it.

Saturday Night Date

Finally had another date with the girl I last mentioned in my journal on October 21st. Was starting to think I wouldn't see her again because she'd been a little quite over messages. Which would've been disappointing since I like this girl more than any of the others I have seen recently (or probably even all year)

We made plans to meet up, go down to the beach and then get dinner. When we were having dinner, we were talking about dating and online dating apps. I told her that I don't have any problem finding dates but I don't find a lot who I really like. She said she was the same but added that she'd really enjoyed the dates we've been on so far.

She also said that she likes how I make her laugh. I've always felt like humor is not one of my strengths and worry that other people might think I'm boring so it was really nice to hear her say this. I think this is a side of my personality that has probably improved more than I realise over the past 5 years.

 

[bender22]

I went out by myself last night, hoping to do some approaches but just had absolutely no motivation to talk to anyone. 

Perhaps one of the consequences of having moderate success with online dating this year is lower motivation to approach girls in person. It's like I know I can just hop on Tinder or Hinge and be talking to girls quickly so why bother subjecting myself to possible rejection in person. I was also fairly tired after having one of the girls I've been seeing recently over the night before which didn't help either. 

I probably need to go back to basics and start very simple again. And I need to go out 100% committed to actually approaching people. 

This is the plan for next weekend -

Do 4 approaches, simply asking if they know where X bar is. Each approach must be a girl I actually find attractive. And it must be at least 2 approaches every 30 minutes. 

That's it.. really back to basics. I just need to get used to going up and approaching girls again. Once I get more comfortable with that, I can start thinking about longer interactions and getting numbers, etc...

 

[bender22]

Since we’re just starting the final month of the year, I figure now is a good time to review my progress and results of 2020. If there’s something I haven’t done well, I still have a month to fix it or get a head start for 2021.

I’m quite happy with what I have achieved in 2020. Not just in my dating life, which I mostly talk about in this journal. But in my life overall.

In my dating life, I’ve achieved a lot..

-Been on a lot of dates..far more than 2019. And probably more than any other year

-Slept with more girls than I ever have in a single year before. I know it’s not really that important how many people you’ve slept with. But it’s something that always bothered me in the past, feeling like I hadn’t slept with that many girls compared to some other guys. I think I needed to get it out of my system.

-Improved the quality of girls I was going on dates with and sleeping with

-Got much more consistent results from online dating than I ever have before

-Met a few girls I really liked. The girl I was seeing earlier in the year was great and although it didn’t end up leading to anything serious, I’m grateful for the time I spent with her. The girl I’ve been mentioning in recent reports is probably the first girl since my last relationship that I have considered as relationship material.

Although it stopped me from going out so much, Covid might have been a bit of a blessing for me as it forced me to focus more on online dating and figure out how to get better results on there.

But while I have done well online, my results from in person approaching have been disappointing. I haven’t gone out as much as I could and when I have gone out, I have failed to approach as much as I should. If I want to keep improving my dating life, I think I really need to get back in the habit of approaching IRL.

Outside of my dating life, I also feel like I’ve come a long way in 2020. I started a new job in May, which has really been ideal for me. In 2019, I had a bad experience with a job and I was starting to wonder if I just wasn’t very good at what I do. I was really losing confidence.

I’ve been getting really good results for the company I work for now and have received a lot of praise for this. Not only that, but I’ve also become much more confident in the office. One of the women in the office would keep telling me how quiet I was when I first started there. Now she says I talk too much lol.

I’m much more comfortable speaking up in meetings and voicing my opinions than I used to be, even 12 months ago.

And I’m enjoying the work I’m doing too. I never wake up dreading going into the office. In the past, I remember absolutely dreading going to work. It’s nice not experiencing that anymore.

I also began investing in 2020 (wish I’d started much earlier now lol) and it’s been very successful so far. It’s also become something I’m very interested in.

At the start of 2020 I began building my own website/blog, which I spent a lot of time working on, especially around the middle of the year. Although I haven’t grown it as much as I was hoping to, it’s still done fairly well and it’s taught me a lot.

So there are definitely a lot of positives to take out of the year. Could I do better? Yes, definitely still lots of room for growth and improvement. But I seem to be moving in the right direction.

 

[bender22]

Had a date on Saturday afternoon. I think as soon as I saw the girl I knew I wouldn't really be very into her. There was really nothing wrong with her and I still had a decent time but she just wasn't my type. Probably should have known even before organising the date.


I actually remembered to bring my voice recorder along to this date. Haven't had a chance to listen to it yet but it should hopefully give me some good lessons on things I could do better.


Saturday night I went out for a while but just couldn't get myself to do any approaches. It's not that I was really afraid to approach, it was just like I didn't want to. And I just didn't have the motivation to do it. Which I really hate... I wish I was more motivated to approach.


There have been several opportunities I've had during the day to approach girls I've seen on the street or in shops and I was actually very close to doing it. I think I feel more compelled to approach a girl during the day than at night at the moment. The shopping center near the office I work at is actually a decent spot on my lunch break. There are usually at least a few cute girls I see in there. My goal is to do at least one approach in there by the end of the week.


I saw these two asian girls in there on my lunch break today and one of them was really cute and I was very very close to approaching them but just couldn't quite do it.


And then...this one is absolutely killing me right now...


I'd just finished my dinner at went out for a walk down by the restaurants after it. I was walking past the gelati shop, where there was quite a lot of people lining up. I see this group of three girls and one of them is absolutely gorgeous...completely my type. She even looked towards me when I first saw her.


I hovered around the gelati shop for a few mintutes, thinking about approaching and she looked in my direction again. I didn't want to just linger there while they lined up for their gelati. So I thought I'd quickly walk down the other end of the street and should be back just when they get their gelati and I'd have a better chance to talk to her.


When I got back, they had their gelati and were just leaving. They walked past me but I just couldn't do it.


I was absolutely disgusted with myself for not giving it a go...and I still am. I can't think of the last time I was this upset with myself for not approaching a girl.


It would have been a difficult one because it was a group of three but who knows, maybe it would've worked. Now I'll never know


The only good thing about missing some of these approaches recently is I think with every missed one, I get a little closer to going for it. After missing that one, I will hopefully be a lot more motivated to go through with an approach if I see a cute girl on my lunch break tomorrow.


On a more positive note, I just upgraded to tinder platinum yesterday. I'd heard some guys were getting good results from it. I think the main benefit compared to the other paid tinder versions is that it's supposed to put your profile near the front of the queue after you swipe right on a girl.


So far after 24 hours, the results have been really good. I've had 9-10 new matches already and a few of them really good looking. One was probably the most attractive girl I've matched on tinder in a long time. If it keeps giving me this many matches and this quality, I'll be more than happy to keep paying for tinder platinum.

 

[bender22]

Finally worked up the courage to do a daytime approach. It was on my lunch break, I saw this girl a few times at the local shopping center. I couldn't get myself to do the approach the first time and then I thought OK I have to do this if I see her again.

I did and I was pretty nervous to be honest, not my best work at all. She was a bit awkward too and I don't think english was her first language so it really wasn't very successful. But regardless, I'm glad I actually went through with the approach.

Wednesday night I had a date with a girl from Hinge. Went pretty well. If anything, I probably talked a bit too much and needed to shut up and let her talk a bit more. Probably would have benefited from getting the conversation onto more sexual topics. She was the type of girl I would like to see again. 

I'm still working through quite a few matches on tinder since upgrading to platinum. The new matches have dropped off a little in comparison to the first few days of using platinum, which I heard others say was the case for them as well. Still yet to lock down any meet ups with any of these new matches. Hopefully should be able to set up maybe 1-2 dates from them over the next week before I go home for Christmas.

Will also be interesting to see how I go with tinder platinum when I go back home. I have always seemed to get better matches back at home, I think the competition there is maybe a little lower.

I just skimmed through my journal from 2020 so far. Pretty interesting to look back over the progress I've made this year. I counted 30 girls I have been on dates with this year from my journal. Might be a few who I forgot to write about, so probably 30-35 in total. Almost all of them were from online dating except maybe 1-2. I've had probably 300-350 matches across tinder, hinge and bumble this year. So about 10% of matches result in dates. Not too bad I think.

 

[bender22]

[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]Went out and did a few approaches last night. I went with my female housemate and a friend of ours, which was a lot more enjoyable than going out alone. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]My housemate and I saw two girls sitting together, I said they looked really young but she thought they were older. So I approached them and asked how old they are and my housemate came in with me. It helped a lot having a girl with me. They responded well and we were talking to them for a while. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]They had two guys come back to them who had been getting drinks. I quickly found out they were just friends from school. We ended up leaving them soon after the two guys came. One of the girls was pretty cute, although fairly young. Not sure how I could have approached it differently when the guys came in. It looked like the guys were pretty well friendzoned so I don't think they were much competition. So I probably could've got the cute girl's number if I'd gone the right way about it. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]Soon after that, my housemate, I and our friend were sitting at a table and there was a group of 6-8 girls at a table next to us. There one of them in particular who I found very attractive. I mentioned her to the others and they encouraged me to go over and approach her. I was pretty hesitant to because she was so attractive and also part of big group.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]She wasn't talking to anyone else in the group for a while and looked a bit bored so I thought maybe it was a good chance to go in. I used an opinion style opener which got the conversation going ok but after that I didn't really know where to take the conversation. I soon ejected after that. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]I definitely played it to safe. I should have been going in there with the intention of trying to take her away from her group for a while, at least to get a drink together. But instead I went in just trying to save my ego from being hurt basically. But the positive is that I did approach a very attractive girl who was in a big group. I think my attitude let me down here. I went in feeling like she was out of my league and not expecting anything good to happen. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]Next approach, we were lining up to get inside another bar and there was a group of three girls lining up in front of us. The one closest to me was just looking at her phone so I thought I'd talk to her. Just went with the simple opener of 'how's your night going' which went well. I should probably use that more often instead of trying to over-complicate things. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]We kept chatting until we reached the front of the line. I then caught up with her at the bar, chatted a bit more. She said she had to get back to her friends but might see me later so I took that as an opportunity to get her Insta, which she gave to me. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]I would have liked to do more approaches while I had the others with me but at least I got a few in. Hopefully that will give me a little momentum before I return home next weekend. [/font]

One of the big positives of the night was that I actually felt like talking to random girls. I was more motivated than I have been on nights out recently. I think that motivation to approach is finally coming back after a long time. 


There were a few lessons from last night...

1. Approaching one girl within a large group isn't actually that bad. When I approached that hot girl in the large group, I was worried that the rest of the group would start watching me or something. But they didn't they just kept on talking to each other. It wasn't a problem at all.

2. I need more of a structure for my interactions. I seem to get stuck once I get the conversation started, I don't know where to take it from there. I can just keep making more small talk but that's probably not going to lead anywhere. Need to have more of a structured plan of what I want to achieve from the interaction. This probably applies to online as well.

 

[bender22]

Back in my hometown now for the next few weeks. I've had about 23 matches across tinder and bumble since I got here on the weekend but just having trouble converting them into meetups at the moment.

One who I should hopefully be going around to her place tomorrow night. She seems like she wants to meet up but I have a feeling she may end up cancelling tomorrow. 

Another one who I'm trying to organise a time to meet up for drinks with. I'm staying with my family here but if I had my own place, I think I would've been able to get her straight to my place. 

Another one who said she's keen to meet up but is pretty busy until new year.

One I was talking to before who probably would've come straight over if I had my own place here.

Looking over some of my recent online dating conversations, I think I need to be a bit more thoughtful about where I'm trying to take the conversation. Too often I just hope it's going to lead somewhere but don't really have any plan. Sometimes that works out but very often it just ends in the girl not responding. 

Also need to use what I call 'baits' and 'soft closes' more often. 

A bait is where I basically set up an opportunity for her to show her interest in me/meeting up. For example, I could say I'm a really good cuddler. Now, if she's interested in me, it's easy for her to say 'you'll have to prove that sometime'

If she does take the bait, then it's very easy to suggest a meetup from there. It works very well when I've done it but I really don't use it enough.

A soft close would be if she says that she's finished work for the year. I say 'we need to celebrate!' I'm not directly asking her to meet up but if she wants to meet up she will say it's a good idea. It's a way to test the waters.

I should also try re-engaging more dead conversations if I'm really interested. Obviously don't want to be double texting 2 hours later if she doesn't respond. But doesn't hurt to try to get the conversation going 4-5 days later. Sometimes the girl might have just been busy and forgets to reply and then will reply to another message.

 

[BeyondShy]

Mr. Bender I am back for another holiday season at A Lonely Life and one of my go-to threads is this one. You’ve done a lot this year and again I’m happy for you.

I especially liked the Understanding non-verbal communication and social cues part. I know a lot about that. When I try to talk to women I get the non-verbal understanding that they want me to go away. So, I oblige them.

What the hell is Bumble?

And I think I must have been first in line for FOMO (Fear of missing out.)

You see? I read your postings.

 

[bender22]

Hey Beyondshy, good to see someone reads these posts haha. 

What non-verbal cues are giving you the impression that women want you to go away?

Bumble is just another app like Tinder. I don't have much luck with it where I live but it seems to be better in bigger cities. The only difference is the girl has to message first once you match.

..................

I'm still getting some really good matches coming in over the last few days on Tinder. Probably some of the best looking girls I've ever matched with on Tinder. So that gives me some confidence knowing that my photos are good enough to match with these sort of girls.

Now I just need to figure out how to get these best looking matches out on a date. The same things that work for me with more average looking girls don't seem to work as well with the more attractive ones. I've got a few conversations on Tinder running at the moment with these very good looking matches and just trying to see what works.

Really racking my brains to figure out the best approach to these conversations. In some other parts of the internet I see guys trying to go very sexual in their conversations. But I'm just not very good with that over text and it's not very congruent with my personality.

I mentioned in my last post a girl I'd matched with and was going to go to her place. As I expected, she flaked that morning. I seem to be able to predict these with incredible accuracy these days lol. 

But another girl I'd matched with on Bumble was keen to meet up the previous night. She initially was a bit on the fence but I could sense that she probably did want to meet and just needed a bit of convincing. 

I managed to convince her. I think we both knew we were just meeting for sex, which is pretty unusual for my dates. Fun night.

One possible meet up tonight and a few possibilities in the pipeline for between Christmas and new years.

 

[BeyondShy]

Hey Beyondshy, good to see someone reads these posts haha. 

I haven’t missed one yet. I am happy that you are doing well.

What non-verbal cues are giving you the impression that women want you to go away?

They don’t seem to want to talk. When that happens I leave. I don’t care to play games.

Bumble is just another app like Tinder. I don't have much luck with it where I live but it seems to be better in bigger cities. The only difference is the girl has to message first once you match.

No wonder why I never heard of it!

Thank you.

 

[bender22]

Online Dating

Still got plenty of leads from Tinder and Bumble but setting up dates is proving difficult. Largely because of the time of year, people are busy. I think being just a visitor here puts a lot of girls off too unfortunately. 

I'm going to test a few different things like being more sexual in conversations on the apps while I'm still here. And see if I can set up dates for the same day or next day if possible. 

Saturday Night

Went out with my old wingman and a friend of his last night. We did a few approaches together, which were a bit difficult. Later on the other guys approached two women I wasn't very interested in so I hung back and spotted an Asia girl sitting by herself nearby. 

I sat down next to the Asian girl and spoke to her, which she responded well too. I was talking to her for about 20 minutes. She was visiting from another city for the weekend. I mentioned another bar and she suggested herself that we go there. 

We moved to this other bar. She seemed to like me but the conversation was mostly platonic and when I did try to escalate the conversation verbally, she seemed to get a bit uncomfortable and awkward. I ended up walking her back to her hotel and nothing else happened.

 

[bender22]

New Years Eve

Currently very tired as I write this on new years day 2021. 

I had several drinks before hitting the town so by the time I got into the club we went to I was already pretty tipsy. And then I continued to drink as the night went on. 

With the alcohol in my system, my fear of approaching was definitely much lower. It was the most approaches I had done in a single night for a long time. Overall I'd estimate somewhere between 10-20 approaches for the night.

Probably my best interactions came from more spontaneous approaches where I sort of just bumped into girls (not literally) and then started talking. 

I did well at keeping some of the better interactions going and just talking ****. The alcohol assisted with that. But I didn't do so well at moving the interaction forward and again I had no real strategy. I was just hoping something would happen if I kept talking. 

During the night I made out with 3 different girls. Or possibly 4...I think one of them was the same girl who I made out with on two occasions but I'm not 100% sure lol. Luckily there's no covid in this city! 

There was one interaction where I was lining up to go upstairs at the club. There were two girls in front of me, one of whom I found very attractive. I started talking to her first and then I also engaged her friend. Both of them responded quite well to me but it was hard to get a conversation really flowing. 

They got upstairs before me and I should have re-engaged them when I got upstairs but I didn't. They probably did like me but at the time I felt like they just weren't interested enough for me to follow up. I ended up seeing them again later in the night and got an Instagram from the girl I liked more. But I could've done much better if I'd re-engaged them earlier. 

So it was a fairly good night overall. But I was still a bit disappointed that I didn't do better. I should've approached more attractive girls and I should've pushed further in some of the interactions I did have. 

Happy new year everyone!

 

[bender22]

Plans For 2021

The last few days I have been pondering on what I actually want to get out of the next 12 months. It's actually difficult because I am very content with my current situation. But still, I feel it's important to have some sort of direction so I don't waste the year.

Dating Plans

I think online dating is going to be my bread and butter when it comes to dating for 2021. In 2020, I had much more success using Tinder, Hinge, Bumble than I've ever had through meeting girls at bars.

Online dating is definitely more suited to my strengths. I have decent photos now so I'm able to get enough matches. My texting has improved a lot over the past 12 months so I'm able to get dates once I have matches. And I'm generally pretty good on dates.

The only issue I've had with online dating is not being able to get the really attractive girls that I'd like to. But I think if I move to a larger city in 2021 (which I'm very likely to do), I should be able to get more matches and also higher quality. I've already seen over over the last few weeks since being back in my home city (which is larger than the city I'm living in) that I'm matching with some very attractive girls here. And the city I'm thinking of moving to is even bigger again.

I'll probably still go out during 2021 to bars and maybe try to do some daytime approaches as well. But it's probably not the best use of my time. If I have a choice between going out and going on a date, the date would be the better option.

I would definitely be open to a relationship this year if I meet the right girl. But I'm pretty happy being single and dating if that doesn't happen. 

Health & Fitness

Healthy lifestyle will continue to be a big focus for me in 2021, as it has been for many years now. In the last few months of 2020 I was working on building muscle, which has meant consuming a very high calorie diet.

I have been able to gain about 5.5 kg during that time, with minimal fat gain and I've been feeling good overall. My overall muscle mass has definitely increased during this time but it's not a crazy difference.

I don't think the high calorie bulking diet is very good for long term health, so I'm probably going to get back to a medium calorie diet within the next month or two. I want a diet that will promote optimal mental performance and also slow aging. I'd say a very high calorie diet

Although I'm 28 now, I still look about 24-25. And I think if I can stay looking so young it will be a major advantage for me if I remain single in the dating market. I'd say the main reason I look younger than what I am is because I've maintained a pretty healthy lifestyle over the past decade.

Financial Plans

2020 was my most successful year yet financially - I earned more money than I have any other year and finally got into investing which was very profitable. In 2021, I hope to reach a new financial milestone - which would put me in a very good position. 

I will be somewhat reliant on the markets, if there's a big market crash in 2021 it might be hard for me to reach that milestone. But a crash would also give me the opportunity to pick up some more stocks at a low price so it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.

Other things I hope to do in 2021

• Find a nice new apartment
• Make some new friends
• Continue to learn more about human behaviour and psychology
• Spend more time outdoors
• Become more consistently motivated
• Write more
• Master online dating 

 

[bender22]

Dates

I've had 3 dates over the weekend. Each one got a little better.

Date 1 on Saturday was a day time date. This girl I had been talking to on hinge for a very long time and we were finally able to make plans to meet up. 

Considering we'd been talking for so long online, I thought this date might have gone better than it did. Her personality was quite different to what I expected. We didn't seem to click in real life like we did when talking online. 

I could reflect on what I didn't do so well on this date and the things I could have done better but I think it's just a case of our personalities not being right for each other and that there wasn't much chemistry between us. And  I don't think there is much I could do to change that. 

Date 2 on Sunday night went a lot better. There was a huge difference between how I felt on this date compared to the previous one. There was more natural chemistry between me and this girl and because I found her more attractive (both physically and non physically) I was much more invested in the date. 

I find that usually the more attracted I am to a girl on a date, the better I perform. I seem to just find the right things to say whereas with a girl I find less appealing, I might get stuck for words. 

After having a drink at the bar with this girl, we walked down to the beach. Had a nice kiss down near the beach. One thing I did well was moving her on from the bar fairly early and not waiting too long to go for the kiss. 

One thing I could have done better would be to tease or challenge her a bit more. I gave her several compliments during the date...telling her she looked good and then saying I had a good time. More compliments than I would normally give. And I think that's ok, nothing wrong with giving compliments. But I think some teasing would help to balance it out more. Only giving compliments without teasing may come across as a bit too nice.

Date 3 went very well. We made plans to split a bottle of wine on the beach. This girl was very easy to flirt with, which made things fun. There were a few times during the date where I probably could have been even more flirty and playful.  

Found it a lot easier to keep conversation running and be funny that the previous two dates. This could be partly because it was my third date in three days and I had some momentum going. 

I had already mentioned salsa dancing to her earlier and knew that would be a good way to get more physical and at least go for a kiss. Being on the beach, with nobody else around also made it easier to run my salsa routine. Even before I showed her the salsa, I could tell she would respond positively if I were to kiss her.

After showing her some basic salsa, I went for kiss. I've got a very good routine for transitioning from salsa to kiss now. As expected she did respond very well and we continued to makeout on the beach. From there I suggested we go back to my place (only a short walk) and she agreed to that. Once back at my place, was quite easy to seal the deal.

Beach date was quite a good idea. Maybe even better than my traditional bar dates. I should do that more often. 

Glad to be going on dates again, as the last month has been fairly slow in terms of dates. Would really like to see the girl from date 2 again. She's good looking, well educated, has a good job, down to earth. A lot to like about her.

 

[bender22]

I've been very busy the past couple of weeks trying to organise a new place to live. Looks like I'll be staying in the same city for now. Which is probably not the best move for dating, as I've mentioned in previous posts, this city is not great for dating. But I do really enjoy the lifestyle here, so it's not too bad if I'm going to be here for longer. 

But now that I know I'll be staying here for at least another 6 months, it's got me thinking harder about how I can create the dating life I really want in this city.

While online dating is very difficult here, there are still plenty of extremely attractive women around this city. Many of them probably aren't even on Tinder and Hinge. 

I feel if I want to start dating the quality of girls that I'd like to in this city, I'm going to have to look outside of online dating more. Bars, clubs, coffee shops, the beach, events are all options. Even though I wish I could just sit at home and get these very attractive girls through Tinder, I know I'm probably going to have to suck it up and start approaching more in real life again.

I just really need to stop throwing away opportunities. When I see these girls I'm very attracted to, I need to approach. I was walking down to the shop this morning and saw this very attractive blonde girl when I stopped at the lights crossing. She looked at me too. I should have spoken to her, but of course I missed the chance. 

Since my last post, I've met up with the girl I hooked up with a few more times. She's good for something casual but not the type of girl I'd want a serious relationship with. The one from my last post, that I said I did really like, I'm meeting up with for a second time tonight.

If that date doesn't go late, I think I should go out and commit to doing at least a few approaches.

 

[bender22]

Two new dates in the last two nights. Both were from Hinge. They went fairly well but I could've done a few things better. 

Date #1

Met up with this Canadian girl at a bar down the road from my new place. Cool girl, easy to talk to. I always tend to get along well with the Canadian girls I meet.

After a few drinks, I suggested we go for a walk. I probably waited a bit too long for this, we were in the bar for a long time before going out for a walk. I walked her over to a park nearby with a really good view of the city. It's very close to my new place and will be great for taking dates to in future.

I felt pretty confident that if I were to go for a kiss, she would respond well but I just wasn't sure the best way and time to do it. I feel like I really should have gone for it earlier but eventually I kissed her. Tried a new routine that I heard from someone else - ask what colour her eyes are, look at her eyes and then ask if you can kiss her quickly. 

Given that she'd responded well to that and that we were close to my place, I thought I'd try getting her up to my apartment. We walked over towards my place and when we got there I asked if she wanted to take a quick look at my new apartment. She said yes but I could sense a little hesitation in her answer. 

The hesitation definitely threw me off a bit. If she'd said yes more confidently, I probably would've taken her to my room when we got up. But instead I just took her to the balcony where we just chatted and made out a bit before she left. 

I'm sure a lot of guys wouldn't be bothered by the hesitation in her voice when she agreed to come up and would continue to push things forward. And she certainly wasn't afraid or doing anything against her will. It was just a very subtle sign of hesitation. But I'm always very afraid of making other people uncomfortable. Probably too much so and especially on dates, which really works against me.

Regardless, I still did many things well on this date. I had a good time. But several things I could have done better - moving things forward faster rather than hesitating myself. 

I also got stuck in too much platonic conversation. Barely any talk about dating or sex or anything. Because the conversation was flowing well, I was probably a bit afraid to cut the conversation thread and turn it towards a different topic like dating. Overall, I think I still played things a bit too safe.

Date #2

Felt this date went really well. Did the usual drinks at a bar thing. 

Like on date #1, there were no issues holding conversation. It flowed really well. I probably did a bit more of the talking than I did on date 1. Not sure if I may have done a bit too much of the talking on this occasion. Sometimes I feel like it's better to shut up and let the girl talk more. But not a huge issue I don't think.

Both dates really brought out the best of my personality, but especially this one. Feel like I would have come across well and fairly charismatic. I was able to work in some good stories into the conversation, which always works well for me. And she responded really well to them. 

We talked about dating a lot more than I did on date 1, which was good. I probably could have pushed that even further and got into more sexual topics. I may need to think of a few other questions that easily transition into sexual conversation. I will usually ask the girl what her experience with online dating has been like, which turns the conversation onto dating quite easily. But then usually at some point that conversation thread turns to a different topic and often gets back to platonic conversation.

I need a good way to get the conversation back to more sexual topics later on when that happens. 

One thing I did well this time was trying to seed future plans. I mentioned salsa dancing to her and told her I could teach her sometime. Also said she'd have to come and have a tour of my new area sometime soon. With these ideas already seeded, it should make it easier to make plans for a second date.

What I could have done better, would be to create more sexual tension. This is one of my weaker points on dates. I just don't really know the best way to go about it. On this date, we were obviously vibing pretty well and there seemed to be chemistry between us but then I just wasn't able to take it the step further and create good sexual tension. 

Hoping I do see this girl again because she was probably one of my favourite girls I've been on a date with in this city, in the time I've been here. She was good looking, dressed well, spoke well, seemed to have her life in order. 

I've been thinking a lot more about trying to find a relationship this year. There are many reasons for this which I could probably write an entire post on. If I remain single in 2021, I'm ok with that..I'm not desperate for a relationship. But if I can find the right girl, then I think I'd be pretty happy to get into a relationship this year. 

And this girl from date 2 is probably the type of girl who actually would be good relationship material. Which is hard to find in the city I'm in. But meeting this girl last night does give me some more hope that I can actually find girlfriend material here.

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I think for future first dates, if I feel like I'd want to see her again I need to give her a reason to come to my place on a second date. Could be to see the pool at my place, watch something on netflix, learn how to salsa dance, just to see my new place... Just some excuse for her to come to my place. And bring the idea up while on the first date so then it's easier to plan it over text after the date.

 

[bender22]

I had two new dates in the last week, one from Bumble and one from Hinge. Did a dinner date with the bumble girl and coffee date with the hinge girl.

I was hoping the dinner date would go well because that girl was fairly attractive. But she turned out to be a bit boring. Not sure if maybe she was just nervous. She was asking me a lot of questions, which I think people tend to do when they're nervous on dates. But it all felt a bit uncomfortable, like it was some sort of interview.

The coffee date girl was a lot easier to talk to and the conversation flowed a lot more naturally. She said she'd like to meet up again at the end of the date.

I went out on Friday night alone with the goal of just doing one approach within 30 minutes. I needed to do this because several times recently I've gone out alone and then gone home without doing even one approach. I've really been struggling getting myself to approach in real life. I managed to do my one approach and then went home.

Saturday night, I went out with a few other people. There was one girl I saw near the start of the night who looked like my type but I didn't approach. Really not happy with myself for missing that one. But then the rest of the night, I just couldn't find any girls who looked like my type.

Think I probably need to do some more mini challenges just to get myself comfortable approaching in real life again. I don't think I should just rely on online dating.

 

[bender22]

Dates 

Had two dates last weekend, both girls from Tinder. I upgraded to tinder platinum again a few weeks ago so I'm starting to get more matches coming in from there now.

The first date was with a European girl. Probably one of the best looking girls I've ever been on a date with, maybe even the best. I took her to a bar I went for another date recently. 

Very cool bar but the seating arrangement feels awkward. It sort of forced me into a weird position, leaning in so I could hear her properly. I felt uncomfortable sitting like that and she probably picked up on that too. Something to keep in mind for future dates.

After we'd had a drink, I suggested we go out for a walk. But then not long after we'd been out walking she said she was getting tired and would head home. Felt very abrupt which made me feel she wasn't very interested. I texted her the next day and said I had a good time, just to see what response I'd get. She did respond positively but not sure if just being polite. 

The second date girl was also one of the better looking girls I've been on a date with in recent times. I felt like the date went pretty well, we had good conversation going. But then I felt afterwards like she wasn't so interested. I texted her the next day and although she did respond, she didn't seem as enthusiastic as before. 

Not really sure if/where I'm going wrong on these dates lately. Maybe just being too platonic and friendly again.