Building confidence,higher self esteem and overcoming shyness?

[owmygod]

As mentioned in the thread subject , i want to talk about those things.
Can someone share some useful advices for more confidence building ways , also your self esteem to be more , and mostly important dealing with shyness/social anxiety... it's hard for the most of the time , especially with this shyness ..

 

[TheRealCallie]

It can help build confidence if you do something that you are good at. Do you have any hobbies? If you don't, get some. How are you at sports? Maybe join a team, even if it's bowling or golf, just something to get you out there doing something active.
Exercising also helps build confidence (no, people, not just because it makes you look good, we've been over this before). Find something you enjoy doing. Running, boxing, marital arts, biking, whatever...find something and do it. The point is to not just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Get out there and do something.

That will also help with the self esteem. Take baby steps, if you're shy, start saying hi to people you pass on the street, or the person that rings up your groceries or takes your order at a restaurant. Anyone will do. Keep doing that until it becomes easier. After that, add something more in, such as a "how are you" or a comment about the weather.

 

[Skid Row 89]

I find that a lot of online resources have really helped me build my self esteem. I recommend you take a look on YouTube for videos from Brendon Burchard who is a fantastic motivational speaker and author. I can also vouch for his books which will really get you thinking about becoming more proactive and adventurous in your life and feeling that you have something important to contribute. 

Aside from the online resources remember that you are unique and have every right to feel good about yourself. You don't need a list of reasons to have a healthy self esteem, you just need to dismiss the self deprecating feelings and accept positive ones. Don't rush the confidence building process, I have been actively trying to improve myself for many months now and it is barely a drop in the ocean but it will all be worthwhile. Not sure if this just applies to me but perfectionism was killing my enjoyment of life completely so ditch perfectionism (I know perfectionism can be positive sometimes but for me it was making me unhappy).  

Good luck and hope to hear from you again with a more confident persona 

 

[M_also_lonely]

These are MY opinions on steps of building things that you ask. If anyone feels anything is wrong in it, I don't care, you are free to feel so.
1. Meet more people in real than wasting your time in chatrooms, facebook, etc. Talking online with strangers, you can be easily called fool, directly or indirectly, and what not. This might hurt you if you are struggling to build confidence. Ask a person who just had it, its not a good thing.
2. Read. Cereal box wisdom is still wisdom. Sitting in a closed room with a bottle of beer and ranting about how everything is wrong with oneself does no good. Instead, read books and experiment about the things the author says. He may not be always right, find out by experimenting.
3. Become handsome. Looks matter, even if people say that they don't. Those women told you so only to be nice to you. Go to the gym and *muscle up*. It will make you feel better about you, and thus help you build confidence. More testosterone, more masculine. More masculine, more confident.
4. Write: You don't have to show anything to anyone. So don't hesitate. You will be surprised to see how much your sub conscious mind has to offer.
Imagine a problem that you have and instead, someone asked you for a stepwise solution for it. Imagine that you are a life coach and make a logical solution to it (or you won't get paid )
5. Be alone. Loneliness is nothing but aloneness+self pity . An illusion. Aloneness is the biggest gift given to us, because that's when we can be ourselves. Nobody to judge. You could pick your guitar and dance at your favorite song playing, in your room. Even though one might not know how to play guitar, he would feel so happy to do so. And nobody would make fun. Ever did that?
6. Do what you love. If not found what you love, start by loving what you do.
7. Learn. That is the simplest way to find out what you love, if you haven't found it yet. There are more than 10^10 things to learn.
8. Share what you read. This will help people learn and you might end up meeting some great readers. Believe me, its better to talk about that instead of food and cutlery and celebrities. Just give it a try.

That's all I can think of for now. Good luck

 

[Restless soul]

These are MY opinions on steps of building things that you ask. If anyone feels anything is wrong in it, I don't care, you are free to feel so.
1. Meet more people in real than wasting your time in chatrooms, facebook, etc. Talking online with strangers, you can be easily called fool, directly or indirectly, and what not. This might hurt you if you are struggling to build confidence. Ask a person who just had it, its not a good thing.
2. Read. Cereal box wisdom is still wisdom. Sitting in a closed room with a bottle of beer and ranting about how everything is wrong with oneself does no good. Instead, read books and experiment about the things the author says. He may not be always right, find out by experimenting.
3. Become handsome. Looks matter, even if people say that they don't. Those women told you so only to be nice to you. Go to the gym and *muscle up*. It will make you feel better about you, and thus help you build confidence. More testosterone, more masculine. More masculine, more confident.
4. Write: You don't have to show anything to anyone. So don't hesitate. You will be surprised to see how much your sub conscious mind has to offer.
Imagine a problem that you have and instead, someone asked you for a stepwise solution for it. Imagine that you are a life coach and make a logical solution to it (or you won't get paid )
5. Be alone. Loneliness is nothing but aloneness+self pity . An illusion. Aloneness is the biggest gift given to us, because that's when we can be ourselves. Nobody to judge. You could pick your guitar and dance at your favorite song playing, in your room. Even though one might not know how to play guitar, he would feel so happy to do so. And nobody would make fun. Ever did that?
6. Do what you love. If not found what you love, start by loving what you do.
7. Learn. That is the simplest way to find out what you love, if you haven't found it yet. There are more than 10^10 things to learn.
8.  Share what you read. This will help people learn and you might end up meeting some great readers. Believe me, its better to talk about that instead of food and cutlery and celebrities. Just give it a try.

That's all I can think of for now. Good luck

Agree with all except 5. Yes, it's ok to be comfortable alone at times. But not all the time, and that's why number 1 is very important

 

[M_also_lonely]

These are MY opinions on steps of building things that you ask. If anyone feels anything is wrong in it, I don't care, you are free to feel so.
1. Meet more people in real than wasting your time in chatrooms, facebook, etc. Talking online with strangers, you can be easily called fool, directly or indirectly, and what not. This might hurt you if you are struggling to build confidence. Ask a person who just had it, its not a good thing.
2. Read. Cereal box wisdom is still wisdom. Sitting in a closed room with a bottle of beer and ranting about how everything is wrong with oneself does no good. Instead, read books and experiment about the things the author says. He may not be always right, find out by experimenting.
3. Become handsome. Looks matter, even if people say that they don't. Those women told you so only to be nice to you. Go to the gym and *muscle up*. It will make you feel better about you, and thus help you build confidence. More testosterone, more masculine. More masculine, more confident.
4. Write: You don't have to show anything to anyone. So don't hesitate. You will be surprised to see how much your sub conscious mind has to offer.
Imagine a problem that you have and instead, someone asked you for a stepwise solution for it. Imagine that you are a life coach and make a logical solution to it (or you won't get paid )
5. Be alone. Loneliness is nothing but aloneness+self pity . An illusion. Aloneness is the biggest gift given to us, because that's when we can be ourselves. Nobody to judge. You could pick your guitar and dance at your favorite song playing, in your room. Even though one might not know how to play guitar, he would feel so happy to do so. And nobody would make fun. Ever did that?
6. Do what you love. If not found what you love, start by loving what you do.
7. Learn. That is the simplest way to find out what you love, if you haven't found it yet. There are more than 10^10 things to learn.
8.  Share what you read. This will help people learn and you might end up meeting some great readers. Believe me, its better to talk about that instead of food and cutlery and celebrities. Just give it a try.

That's all I can think of for now. Good luck

Agree with all except 5. Yes, it's ok to be comfortable alone at times. But not all the time, and that's why number 1 is very important

One should not make meeting people a need. I know that some specific people would disagree, but isn't it same as, "Stop being needy."
If people come along, good. If not, keep moving. Why do we need others ?

 

[Incognita]

gosh I used to be so painfully shy it hurt. Who ever raised you...it is their fault. How old are you? if you're a teen then just wait--you might outgrow it. It's a matter of time. If youre adult then just realize that you deserve your place under the sun just like all the arseholes around you

 

[TheStaggy]

You need to figure out the root of your confidence issues and try and address them.

For me, there are three areas that have always affected me; body image,; shyness and socioeconomic status[font=arial, sans-serif].[/font]

On my body image;

I'm an ectomorph, tall and lean and I also have what you call pectus excavatum. My sternum and rib cage did not grow in the normal way and as a result I have a noticeably sunken chest. It isn't a health issue, but it is very much a cosmetic issue. As a result, I will not remove my shirt in front of anyone. The last woman I was with had to verbally reassure me that she wasn't weirded out by it before I could be intimate. I wear a surfers shirt when I go swimming in the sea as well and when at people's houses and they have a swimming pool I'll be the guy sitting in jeans and a t-shirt while everyone else is enjoying the pool.

I have attempted to rectify my body image issues by weight lifting. While I do receive compliments which helps with my confidence, the double-edged sword of being an ectomorph is that it is incredibly hard to add mass to your body so I am still not satisfied. The weight lifting has also not helped address my chest, so yes, people tell me that I have nice arms and shoulders but you will still never see me in anything less than a vest around the swimming pool. I have also placed a lot of emphasis on my clothes, dressing to accentuate the positive aspects of my body while hiding my flaws. It sounds vein, but if you are not happy with the way you look you will show it and other people will quickly read in to your lack of confidence.
 
On my shyness;

I can probably trace that to playground predators from my pre-teen and early teen years. I was bullied and it drove my confidence in to the found. I'm an introvert, always have been, but introversion does not mean shyness. Shyness is something that is triggered and/or learned. My work has helped me address this somewhat by forcing me in to positions where I have to interact with strangers and I have realised that 99% of the people I meet are not the kids that bullied me all those years ago and most people actually seem to like me. I am still shy in new situations, but nowhere near as bad as I used to be as a teen and young adult. 

On my socioeconomic status;

People can say what they like, what a person does and what they can offer very much determines their social value. That is just the way society works and this is especially true for a man. I am not happy with my job nor my financial situation and this is no good for my confidence. How am I rectifying this? I started studying towards a degree part-time and I should complete it this year. This should open up new career opportunities and greatly increase my self-worth even if it is in my own eyes.

So basically be honest with yourself. Try and determine what the causes for your lack of confidence and shyness are and then attempt to work on these perceived flaws or traits. It could be putting yourself in new situations to overcome shyness, or learning a new skill (build your own bookcase) or changing the way you dress.

 

[TheRealCallie]

gosh I used to be so painfully shy it hurt. Who ever raised you...it is their fault.  How old are you? if you're a teen then just wait--you might outgrow it. It's a matter of time. If youre adult then just realize that you deserve your place under the sun just like all the arseholes around you

You're just a bundle of sunshine, aren't you?

It's the fault of the people who raised you?  Um, no.  YOU are in charge of your own life.  If you are a certain way, YOU chose to be that way, if you don't like it, you have to choose to change it. 

Deserve your place?  Again, um no.  That's just ridiculous.

 

[Incognita]

gosh I used to be so painfully shy it hurt. Who ever raised you...it is their fault.  How old are you? if you're a teen then just wait--you might outgrow it. It's a matter of time. If youre adult then just realize that you deserve your place under the sun just like all the arseholes around you

You're just a bundle of sunshine, aren't you?

It's the fault of the people who raised you?  Um, no.  YOU are in charge of your own life.  If you are a certain way, YOU chose to be that way, if you don't like it, you have to choose to change it. 

Deserve your place?  Again, um no.  That's just ridiculous.

Disagree but won't argue since they call me a bundle of sunshine already from causing a big "debate" in another thread.
Hey, I just stated my  opinion that I think might be helpful to him. If you don't like it, sorry. I was talking to him to begin with

 

[Missingthesun]

I spent a good deal of my younger years being painfully shy. I am still not as confident as I'd like to be. I see friends who have people no trouble approaching people because they genuinely don't care if they are rejected. I doubt that will ever be me, but I am way better.

My issue was fear of rejection. If that sounds like you, I would try to build on success in situations you are most confident in. Social interactions for some of us just require practice. Check out meetup.com and see what groups are in your area. A lot of the people who go to meetups don't know anyone else, so youll be in the same boat.

Even if you don't feel comfortable talking much, you will be fine. In my experience there are always more people that want to talk than want to listen anyway.

Good luck and let us know your progress!

 

[Hoarse Whisperer]

I'll admit that I haven't read through all of the advice from previous posters, but I'm going to share the things that led to me needing self-improvement, and then get into the steps that I've taken to become a more confident me.

The abridged version is that my home life was a wreck; I mostly kept to myself, keeping my head down while ignoring the arguments and screaming going on around me. My school life throughout elementary was not unlike that movie "Speak"... I would barely talk to teachers, and never to other kids- aside from the one other lonely friend I would make each year. I usually chose not to speak to that one friend around other people if I could help it. By the time I moved to a new school in junior high, my social skills were almost non-existent, so I really had to create a new me from the ground up. Following the advice of a friend that I made online, I slowly worked on my outward image, until I was comfortable enough in my own skin to really just be myself.

A big part of what got me through was emulation; I would see something that I admired about a more "successful" social person, and try to copy it into my own behavior. Whether it was a certain joke, or a sly expression, whatever it was... I was literally copying anything that I admired and building around these small acts. Although now I'm usually more comfortable "winging it" socially, I still like to have pocketed lines that I can fall back on in the event that I'm socially uncomfortable, or I don't know what to say.

Truthfully, social interaction is a skill just like anything else that you will do in life, and you cannot develop a skill without repetition and practice. If you want to get over your shyness, you have to put yourself in the uncomfortable position of talking to people wherever you go- even if it's just small talk. Find an excuse to go somewhere every day, even if it's just the corner market, and make small talk with an employee there- ask where something is, make a jokey comment about not being able to find the item, give a smile, and laugh at yourself. "Man, I was looking all over for the horse radish! I probably walked right past it! I would have been looking all day haha". Take those baby steps, but ALWAYS make small talk with at least one stranger. Employees are great because they have to be courteous to you.

But, yeah, repetition is the key to overcoming social anxiety and shyness. I do like to have certain one-liners prepared before I talk to a stranger, but it has to be in your own words. My example of the "omg I couldn't find the horse radish!" is a simple enough way of making light of your inability to find an item, and most people will give a chuckle with you before going back to work. You just have to make yourself make small talk until you're comfortable doing that with strangers.

It also helps to know what's going on in the world around you- if you live in an area that is crazy about sports, it helps to have a little knowledge about an upcoming game, so that you can comment on it to a cashier or whoever, and be prepared for them to comment back about it- don't just mention the team, know enough to have an opinion in order to have a small amount of pointless banter about it.

 

[owmygod]

I almost forget about this thread i posted , but i didnt!

I will view your replies today and and ill edit my post , thank you for your time and sharing opinions here.

 

[Missingthesun]

I have been thinking on this lately, since only 10-15 years ago I could barely talk to anyone, and now I am often the most social person in the room.

I worked and roomed with a woman for years that changed my life in this regard. She was about 350 pounds and conventionally very unattractive. And everyone loved her. I came up with some reasons.
1). When you expect that people are going to like you, they often do. She went in with that mindset.
2). In the end people care less about you and your appearance etc. than how you make them feel. Julie truly enjoyed people of all types and it showed. Develop a genuine interest in people, try to make them laugh and enjoy themselves. Or just listen to them. That is more rare than you would think.
3). Remember that someone insulting you says more about them than about you.

Being around Julie really changed my life. I wish I had been able to make some of these changes when I was younger.

 

[owmygod]

Thanks for the advices .

1.Interesting
2.I can make people laugh and enjoy themselves. I think this might work for me , you gave me an idea that is nice
3.Oh yeah , i tell that to myself when i met these so called 'haters' , 'jealous' for whatever reason it is ... Yes , i think it's just how they are.

+ Back in the years i talked to girls , not many but 1-2 and they were "attractive" , things weren't so good for me then but they helped me for what they could. I think i need to have more people like this in my life, not just girls but i mean more positive and likeable .

Lastly , how old you are if that's not a problem for you to say?

 

[Missingthesun]

I am 53. I'm guessing you are young or young-ish. i find the older you get, the less people are cliquish and focused on attractiveness. One of the few benefits of aging.

I was reminded today of Julie's fourth rule. She never turned down an invitation. Her reasoning was that if you want people to keep inviting you, you have to go when invited, even if you don't feel like it at the moment. A friend asked me to a last minute lunch today and I almost said no before I remembered her rule.

 

[owmygod]

You know , there are some secrets like you mentioned ..
This is good to know , sometimes people have to be appreciated on time and when you get the chances , i know that just realised it few years ago , now im 19 and i need to go back on track

P.s: Do you know some books or something close to that for advices about friendships , as you mention , you surely know the struggle of being shy and im happy that someone finally understands what im talking about!

 

[Missingthesun]

Sorry can't help you with books. I only learned from real life. Good luck and let us know your progress.

 

[jason2023]

Best thing to do as some have mentioned is to take action. Don't dive in to the deep end - just take things step by step and slowly introduce it in to you every day life such that it becomes your new normality. So for instance, if you're shy at initiating conversation, then next time when you're buying coffee just say at the start to the server, "hi, how you doing?", and then place your order.

I have a few videos that might help you.

1 Confidence - Taking More From Positive Experiences
2 Developing a New Habit Outside Your Comfort Zone

 

[owmygod]

jasedude2002 thank you so much! That info helped me. I will subscribe to this channel