Desire for revenge?

[Rohini]

Anyway, all that to say.

My father never sought revenge on all the wrong that was done to him in that situation. Instead he took it out on himself in other ways - but that's another story for another day.

I used to really want revenge on my mother and that man she left us for.... and my dad and I would talk of it often, naturally, He would always tell me: "Ally, I don't have to do anything - what goes around comes around"

My dad was my provider, a great father - but he was also my friend. He could make me laugh like no other. He suffered a lot in his life, but he was always so optimistic, even with all the adversities he faced, he remained composed. There was a certain grace to his attitude towards life.

I love him, and miss him everyday.

 

[user 135067]

It's one thing to cheat, which is wrong in all forms and capacities, but it's another from of deranged mental instability to even conceive of the idea to drag your child into your disgusting low-life escapades. Who does that?

The night my dad was killed, I was driven home. I changed out of the bloody clothes and peeked in the door at my mom crying on her bed. She saw me. "Honey, I need you to call someone for me." She handed me a number. "If a woman answers hang up."

Well, that was my first clue. I did as I was asked. Later a man showed up at the house. He went into my mom's room. She told him, "I didn't want him to die!" like she wanted something, just not that. That comment is as clear today as it was all those decades ago. I didn't stay to hear more.

So I'm sitting in the kitchen, dwelling on just having my brains battered and my dad's splattered all over me. The man introduces himself and begins a conversation. It turns out she and he had been having an affair for five years. He was a new entity in my life, unknown. But he knew all about me.

That's got to be the creepiest conversation I ever had. As I think now, he seemed more intent on disclosing his relationship with my mother than understanding that I'd just been through a horrific experience.

Death changes you. Trauma changes you. But that was a betrayal. My relationship with my mom changed that night.

For days people dropped by. They consoled my mom. Everyone wanted a play by play of the wreck. No one made me feel any comfort. I could have used a hug. All I got were more ghoulish questions.

I wonder what the visitors thought of me, how I seemed to be a mere fixture. My dad and I had a volatile relationship. Maybe they thought I had no pain of his loss. Maybe they thought their need was greater than mine. Who knows what people think.

So, I guess the affair changed me as much as the crash did. That night was the beginning of me shutting everyone out. It's not that I have any less love of anyone, but when the people that are supposed to make exceptions for your shortcomings instead use them to hurt you, it's just better to vacate.

No, I will never get over that night. The nearest to revenge was taking myself from them. I am not a person that can deliberately hurt anyone.

 

[Claudia1794]

Isn't cheating on your spouse also cheating on who you cheat with?
That's what I said

 

[user 135067]

Yes, I was agreeing with you.

 

[Rohini]

Death changes you. Trauma changes you. But that was a betrayal. My relationship with my mom changed that night.

I'm not going to cheapen or make light-hearted your post with an emoji.. I feel even a mere response over the internet is, in it's own way, cheapening, but I feel your emotions. Deeply.

Trauma does certainly change us. I always like to find the lessons we're being taught in our lives. though sometimes very very difficult as that may be. There was something I had heard awhile back from someone I knew that when we're in the proverbial state of being down on our knees, going through the worst trauma of our lives that we should then look up and thank God, actually, because we are about the learn and be taught one of lives most valuable lessons. Of course, we won't see it this way in the moment.. it's in the after thought. It's when we reflect on the past trauma in our mind.

If life was too easy, and we never had troubles at all, it would be a waste of time. How would you grow? You wouldn't learn anything. There would no essence, no learning. But, you also can't hold on to anger and resentment, either. For your own well-being.

I know what it's like to be in a life and death situation with a parent. I took care of my father while he was dying. I saw his body breaking down at the mere age of 60 - no longer able to even walk, no longer eating, not being able to go to the bathroom. If one didn't know humility before, this will humble you very quickly.

As long as you've taken birth as a human, we will all go through loss and grief, and traumatic times. It's how we choose to handle it, and the choices we make that count.

The journey is our own...

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

I would definitely not seek out to cheat especially if you aren't positive that she cheated on you. Either believe her and move on somehow or continue to believe what you believe and either deal with it or leave her. I would think if you loved someone then hurting them would only hurt you more in the end. Now if you tell her that you are seeking the attention and affection of another woman then that is a different situation. If your goal is to hurt her that can be achieved without cheating on her. If you just want to be with another woman then just own it as that. Don't hide behind some idea you have that she cheated on you. This is what absolutely blows my mind about some married couples. If you aren't happy then figure out what will make you happy if those things align....great! If not then maybe its time to move on. Here's the thing, if you meet another woman while you are still married and living with your wife are you going to tell this other woman you are married? If no, then you are not only deceiving your wife and actually yourself, but also a completely innocent person. If yes, and the two of you have a little fling what does that say about a woman who would sleep with another woman's husband without the other woman knowing about it. In my opinion, it says she's a sleazy ****. It could be my mother and I would think the same thing. Me, I have zero respect for people that cheat. I mean really there is absolutely no excuse for it. Just tell your wife what you want.

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate everything that you had to say! You are right in so many ways.
I'm 99.999999% sure that she was having an affair with a younger coworker due to things that happened.
We were at a wedding reception for one of her female coworkers, whose brother is the one that I was suspicious of. He walked by our table going out into the main bar area of the Legion and 30 seconds later my wife said she had to use the restroom which was also in the bar area. 15 minutes later she still wasn't back so I go out and ask a woman coming out of the restroom if my (girlfriend at the time) was sick or something in the bathroom, she told me there was no one else in the restroom. So for 15 minutes I look everywhere, inside and outside the legion panicking not knowing what had happened to her. Neither one of them were anywhere to be found. Then 30 minutes after they left the banquet room I catch them both walking in the front door of the legion 2 steps away from each other! When he saw me coming towards them he locked eyes on me until I was past him, seeming like he thought I was going to kick his ass! She had all kinds of nervous answers to where she'd been that didn't ad up.
It took 24 years to get her to take a polygraph exam asking her if she was with him. She failed the polygraph with "significant reactions" when asked if she was with him...but still maintains that she's innocent. The polygraph was done by one of the most experienced polygraph experts in the U.S.A. What would you think if this was your situation...and remember, she ignored me and treated me like **** for several years before the above happened.

All that being said, (your response made this clear to me) I really don't want revenge against my wife so much as I just want to stop this overwhelming hurt that I have carried around for such a long, long time! Maybe me having the same guilty pleasures as she was having will "even things out" in my mind? I really don't know, that's why I posted my dirty laundry here to get help with an overwhelming mental tornado that I've been living in for far too long. If I do decide to go ahead and see someone else I would be perfectly honest with my wife AND with that other woman.
Thanks again for your input!

 

[Claudia1794]

Wow! polygraph, really? That's interesting. How does one go about just having a polygraph done? Is it just some guy in his basement or was this like an official thing?

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Check his company out. http://m.polytest.org/m/index.html

 

[Claudia1794]

You asker her to do it and she agreed? She failed it, right. I mean 20+ years seems like a long time to hold onto something like that.

 

[Finished]

27 years ago my wife and I left our respective spouses for each other. We had both been in relationships where we both were the strong, supporting members of our marriages. We'd known each other very well for 25 years, our siblings were married for years and we have numerous nieces and nephews together, and many more things in common.
Within 2 months of us leaving together her focus was drawn away from our relationship by all the younger guys at work hitting on her (she had a KILLER ass and body) which is typical for a woman who had just become free of a claustrophobic relationship that they've been in since the age of 17. She turned her back on me emotionally and ignored me for over a year while flirting with everyone else.
This has affected our relationship ever since. Maximum strife and pain has been the norm for 26 years. We're finally able to (barely) talk about it and have agreed to seek professional help with counseling because somehow we do love each other very much and want to save our marriage.
My wife swears on the lives of her children and grandchildren that during her flirting she never cheated on me nor touched any other man. (I'm not convinced because of several instances that happened.
The only thought of revenge that I've had is the thought that if I went out and had an affair it would balance out the overwhelming hurt and pain that I've had to deal with for 26 years. Still undecided if I'm going to do it or not, I've been looking online but it seems that all the women who are there are scammers who are looking to rob you. Going to join a gym, maybe have more luck there, but probably not.
Would like your opinions on this, thanks for your help in advance.

No. Please don't cheat on her especially just to cheat. I've never cheated because I wouldn't be able to live with it. I hold myself to a high standard. It's not about the other person. It's about you.

 

[TheSkaFish]

There are a few people I certainly wouldn't mind kicking the **** out of, if I ever got the chance.

Or maybe, since they say success is the best revenge, it would be nice to be more successful than some people, especially those that insulted not only me, but my whole family for our money situation. It would be nice to get to a place where I'm doing better than them, and I could say, who's better than who now, *******.

But, at the same time, sometimes I think I should just say, I know why these things happened, I was naive before, but I know better now, I won't let it happen again. So why should I get all mad, about some things some haters said years ago, who were only going to hate me anyway and there was nothing I could have done about it? Who cares, I don't need those people or their approval for anything, so why should I let it get me bent out of shape. Their opinions are irrelevant and don't count for anything in my life.

Sometimes I get angry at some things in the past, but it's getting less often, and less intense. I can usually reason my way out of it now.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

You asker her to do it and she agreed? She failed it, right. I mean 20+ years seems like a long time to hold onto something like that.

It wasn't easy. I started asking her to take a polygraph back in 2008. Instead of dragging me there to prove her innocence (like her character would have done if she were innocent....strong, bold personality) she attempted suicide by taking a handful of painkillers! I happened home just as she was being affected by the pills and becoming unconscious. We had had a big blowout and I had left in my truck and drove 10 miles away up into the woods on a old logging road and was outside the vehicle crying and I cried out "what do I do, where do I go"? Then, I swear on the lives of everything and everyone that I love, I heard a strong voice behind my head say "JUST GO HOME"!!! I actually said "what the hell was that"??? It surprised the hell out of me!!! I immediately knew that it wasn't my own thoughts!! I drove home to find my wife slipping into unconsciousness from the pills....called 911. Don't ever think that you don't have a guardian angel or 2 looking after your life, mine spoke to me that day in 2008...
Many painful years later (for both of us) during a heated argument several months ago I blurted out "PROVE IT (your innocence) to me tomorrow, the polygraph guy has an appointment open tomorrow in the city near us". She said that she would take the exam. Yes, she failed the exam. She says that she doesn't know why she failed the exam because she wasn't with him. I ask her where she was for 30 minutes that night at the legion and why she was walking in the front door with him from outside. She has no answers for that.... she says "I wasn't outside" when I plainly with my own 2 eyes watched her come through the door 2 steps behind her younger coworker!!!

Polygraph guy told me that as long as the person taking the exam is of sound mind, length of time from the event will not matter.
I believe that she's held onto her secrets this long because she was doing some things that she never wants revealed. She also failed the test on the question "have you had group sex since being with (me). Test showed the strongest reactions when asked this question!!! And we have never had "group sex" together with anyone.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

No. Please don't cheat on her especially just to cheat. I've never cheated because I wouldn't be able to live with it. I hold myself to a high standard. It's not about the other person. It's about you.

It wouldn't be "just to cheat", as I said before I was thinking that it might alleviate (balance out) the enormous amount of pain (in my mind) that I carry around every day.

 

[Rohini]

It wouldn't be "just to cheat", as I said before I was thinking that it might alleviate (balance out) the enormous amount of pain (in my mind) that I carry around every day.

I get that. I understand what you're saying, I'm sympathetic to you but just curious....why have you stayed with her for this long? Something is surely keeping you together. Karmic fate, perhaps.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

I get that. I understand what you're saying, I'm sympathetic to you but just curious....why have you stayed with her for this long? Something is surely keeping you together. Karmic fate, perhaps.

Yes, karma and fate. I'm somewhat psychic and felt that we have been together for several lifetimes which was verified by a well known professional psychic who told her that we've been together for many lifetimes! We seem to have an unbreakable bond and have an unbelievable love for each other at this point in our lives! I KNOW! It's a truly messed up situation!!! I'm probably in need of some serious head shrinkage which I'm going to find someone in the next couple of days to talk to.
It was the first few years of our relationship that has screwed us up for a long time and it needs to be dealt with asap!

 

[Rohini]

Yes, karma and fate. I'm somewhat psychic and felt that we have been together for several lifetimes which was verified by a well known professional psychic who told her that we've been together for many lifetimes! We seem to have an unbreakable bond and have an unbelievable love for each other at this point in our lives! I KNOW! It's a truly messed up situation!!! I'm probably in need of some serious head shrinkage which I'm going to find someone in the next couple of days to talk to.
It was the first few years of our relationship that has screwed us up for a long time and it needs to be dealt with asap!

I don't know how you feel about Astrology, but you should look into the Synastry between you two. It can tell a lot about the dynamic of you two coming together and pin point down dates when things went haywire. The synastry will show how you relate to one another & also shows the strength & weakness in the relationship. Just throwin' that out there for ya

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

I don't know how you feel about Astrology, but you should look into the Synastry between you two. It can tell a lot about the dynamic of you two coming together and pin point down dates when things went haywire. The synastry will show how you relate to one another & also shows the strength & weakness in the relationship. Just throwin' that out there for ya

Not opposed to trying anything that will give us peace and strengthen our marriage/relationship! I know that astrology/numerology is able to tell you a lot about things that can't be understood with the natural senses.

 

[user 135067]

I don't know how you feel about Astrology, but you should look into the Synastry between you two. It can tell a lot about the dynamic of you two coming together and pin point down dates when things went haywire. The synastry will show how you relate to one another & also shows the strength & weakness in the relationship. Just throwin' that out there for ya

I don't do astrology. Too complicated. Too much to remember. My memory sucks. I do play with tarot. Not that there is any fortune telling to it. But it gives me a moment to consider how it might apply, thus I'm thinking of things I wouldn't have. Not magic. Just considering more paths.

I am writing a serial of werewolves, voodoo and such in 19th century New Orleans. So to keep me in the sense of it I use their Voodoo tarot cards. Fascinating art.

I've started playing with biorhythms. Noting concrete yet. I don't have it all figured out. But I try to be my best creative self when all my lines are high. Today they are all crossing in the middle. Is that best or medium?

My fave site is Facade.com which has runes and such too, which I'm not into. No info is taken. Just free entertainment... if you are curious.

Just a mention... I chose the one card spread every morning without a question just to see what they say my day will be like. You can make any result fit, but like I said, it broadens your thoughts.

ETA: Just an after thought, Mr. Viking King. They have a relationship spread you might look at. Just saying.

 

[Rohini]

I don't do astrology. Too complicated. Too much to remember. My memory sucks. I do play with tarot. Not that there is any fortune telling to it. But it gives me a moment to consider how it might apply, thus I'm thinking of things I wouldn't have. Not magic. Just considering more paths.

I am writing a serial of werewolves, voodoo and such in 19th century New Orleans. So to keep me in the sense of it I use their Voodoo tarot cards. Fascinating art.

I've started playing with biorhythms. Noting concrete yet. I don't have it all figured out. But I try to be my best creative self when all my lines are high. Today they are all crossing in the middle. Is that best or medium?

My fave site is Facade.com which has runes and such too, which I'm not into. No info is taken. Just free entertainment... if you are curious.

Just a mention... I chose the one card spread every morning without a question just to see what they say my day will be like. You can make any result fit, but like I said, it broadens your thoughts.

ETA: Just an after thought, Mr. Viking King. They have a relationship spread you might look at. Just saying.

I've never dabbled into Tarot. I know how it works and Ive seen it work well for others though.

I just use/stick with Vedic Astrology.. it helped me understand things better after my father passed away. It sure is a lot to remember, I won't argue with you there, but it almost becomes second nature after awhile.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

I don't do astrology. Too complicated. Too much to remember. My memory sucks. I do play with tarot. Not that there is any fortune telling to it. But it gives me a moment to consider how it might apply, thus I'm thinking of things I wouldn't have. Not magic. Just considering more paths.

I am writing a serial of werewolves, voodoo and such in 19th century New Orleans. So to keep me in the sense of it I use their Voodoo tarot cards. Fascinating art.

I've started playing with biorhythms. Noting concrete yet. I don't have it all figured out. But I try to be my best creative self when all my lines are high. Today they are all crossing in the middle. Is that best or medium?

My fave site is Facade.com which has runes and such too, which I'm not into. No info is taken. Just free entertainment... if you are curious.

Just a mention... I chose the one card spread every morning without a question just to see what they say my day will be like. You can make any result fit, but like I said, it broadens your thoughts.

ETA: Just an after thought, Mr. Viking King. They have a relationship spread you might look at. Just saying.

I'd be interested in looking at what the "relationship spread" could possibly say about my wife's and my time together. Might take a look. Thanks for your advice!