Did you give up? I kind of did...

[AlexandraOcean]

This morning I realised that the reason I was feeling so bad is because, for a moment there, I gave up.

I gave up being in a relationship that met my needs

And

I gave up on myself

This giving up feeling was such a heart breaking feeling

But then a relief came over me when i realised that actually i haven't given up entirely, because if I had truly given up on my relationship I would have broken up with my fiance, and if I had truly given up on myself I wouldn't have made any effort at all to make my life better and yesterday, although I participated in activities that symbolise giving up (I.e. ate an entire bag of chocolates), I also took steps to better myself such as engage in this group.

So whilst part of me has given up, the other part is still holding hope.

And it made all the difference just to become aware of that.

It's like I gave myself permission to temporarily give up and simultaneously acknowledge that I haven’t.

Before this moment of realisation I was overcome by a feeling of dispaire and hopelessness.

It's such a relief!

 

[TheSkaFish]

I've been fighting with giving up my entire life. Well, since kindergarten anyway.

I've always felt like giving up was forced on me by the bad luck of biology, whether I wanted to or not (I didn't, really), and I've always hated this, but I don't know if I have a choice.

I would go as far as to say it's been my personal hell.

The older I get though the more unhappy I am with this - I was never happy with it, it's just that it gets more and more painful and at the forefront of my life. There used to be things I could do to take myself away but that doesn't really work anymore. I just feel like, I hate this, it's intolerable, unacceptable, I can't live like this, in giving up, in limitation. I want to cut it out of me. I don't want this to be my life story.


I'm not sure if this is what you meant by your post.
This was just my knee-jerk reaction to thinking about the idea of giving up on life/oneself.

 

[AlexandraOcean]

I've been fighting with giving up my entire life. Well, since kindergarten anyway.

I've always felt like giving up was forced on me by the bad luck of biology, whether I wanted to or not (I didn't, really), and I've always hated this, but I don't know if I have a choice.

I would go as far as to say it's been my personal hell.

The older I get though the more unhappy I am with this - I was never happy with it, it's just that it gets more and more painful and at the forefront of my life. There used to be things I could do to take myself away but that doesn't really work anymore. I just feel like, I hate this, it's intolerable, unacceptable, I can't live like this, in giving up, in limitation. I want to cut it out of me. I don't want this to be my life story.


I'm not sure if this is what you meant by your post.
This was just my knee-jerk reaction to thinking about the idea of giving up on life/oneself.

I totally get the feeling you are describing!!! I get the 'no choice' biology you are speaking off.

What makes it worse when my mind can't find the solutions, so there's a feeling of ' trapped - No way out'

 

[AlexandraOcean]

I've been fighting with giving up my entire life. Well, since kindergarten anyway.

I've always felt like giving up was forced on me by the bad luck of biology, whether I wanted to or not (I didn't, really), and I've always hated this, but I don't know if I have a choice.

I would go as far as to say it's been my personal hell.

The older I get though the more unhappy I am with this - I was never happy with it, it's just that it gets more and more painful and at the forefront of my life. There used to be things I could do to take myself away but that doesn't really work anymore. I just feel like, I hate this, it's intolerable, unacceptable, I can't live like this, in giving up, in limitation. I want to cut it out of me. I don't want this to be my life story.


I'm not sure if this is what you meant by your post.
This was just my knee-jerk reaction to thinking about the idea of giving up on life/oneself.

If you ever what to share with me - don't hesitate to send me a DM - I may be slow to reply at times but I'd like to be there for those in this community if I can

 

[TheSkaFish]

I totally get the feeling you are describing!!! I get the 'no choice' biology you are speaking off.

What makes it worse when my mind can't find the solutions, so there's a feeling of ' trapped - No way out'

I think I know what the solution is, at least for me.
I have to do what I've always been afraid to attempt, am afraid is impossible for me.
I never did it, because I thought I couldn't, but that's why nothing got better and my mental health got worse.
I hate "acceptance", so working on it is the only remaining answer. Logically I know this.
I never tried that hard to play by the rules of life because I thought I wasn't good enough to do it.

I just have to build up the nerve to do it.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If you ever what to share with me - don't hesitate to send me a DM - I may be slow to reply at times but I'd like to be there for those in this community if I can

Thank you, but I don't want to bring you down unnecessarily.

I'm also slow to reply as well because I also feel drained by life, so I get the feeling.

 

[AlexandraOcean]

Thank you, but I don't want to bring you down unnecessarily.

I'm also slow to reply as well because I also feel drained by life, so I get the feeling.

Haha, we have that in common! Depression is SO bloody draining and just life can be too, but you can still reach out. I'll be true to myself by only jumping on to read / reply to messages when I have the capacity for it. So there's no harm in reaching out. Who knows you sharing with me might be just the medicine I need aa I'm someone that thrives on deep connection