Duty Dating

[organicNYgirl]

Rdor, when I tell a man I want to be friends I'm fully prepared to be friends. It's up to him to not be a total creep and keep it friendly. Which, in my experience, doesn't seem to be something most men are willing to do. It's like it's all or nothing. So, for me, if I don't want all I guess it's nothing bc I'm not going to date and pretend to be attracted to someone I'm not.

Anyone that says that looks aren't a part of chemistry must be blind (literally) or kidding themselves. Most of the time, our eyes are the first sensory we use to evaluate another person. If we don't find that person attractive we aren't likely to start talking to them with romance on our mind. Not that I don't feel that feelings can develop later, after you get to know someone. But if you're walking the streets and see someone you consider to be visually attractive you're more likely to go over and ask for a date, right?

Chemistry, to me, is being both physically and mentally stimulated by a person. Anyone that acts like sex in a relationship isn't important is just bonkers. I've witnessed many friends date someone they thought were great people, but there was no physical attractive. It always flops. There has to be a delicate balance. All sex and no personality obviously gets old too. There has to be both, imo, for a relationship to be healthy and be able to sustain.

As for myself, men typically get 2 shots to impress me. I can think you're a looker all I want.....but if on the date you don't impress me with your brain, I'm not going on another date. It's not hard to figure out if someone is a decent match after 2 dates. There has to be that spark for me.


Just my 2 cents....

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Looks are part of dating. Anybody who denies that is either lying, or a better person than I.

And I don't feel anybody should feel obligated to go on a date with me. Duty dating is just wrong.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Looks are part of dating. Anybody who denies that is either lying, or a better person than I.

I still don't understand why some would consider looks so important. And I'm not just curious because I think they aren't. What I mean is, if someone is so concentrated on looks (as being the priority), then I really think they're going to miss out on great people.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Who wants to date their best friend?

And wouldn't it be insulting if you found out your spouse did not find you good looking?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Who wants to date their best friend?

And wouldn't it be insulting if you found out your spouse did not find you good looking?

I'd like to be with a person I consider a best friend.

And that's when you choose someone who cares and loves you for deeper reasons. Because my looks have never been a positive aspect for me in life, but I don't surround myself with people who would care about things like that.

 

[blackdot]

I still don't understand why some would consider looks so important. And I'm not just curious because I think they aren't. What I mean is, if someone is so concentrated on looks (as being the priority), then I really think they're going to miss out on great people.

I honestly don't see how looks would not be important.

 

[Sterling]

^ I would be very insulted.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I honestly don't see how looks would not be important.

Well, why make them important? What some people don't realize is that we make that decision to make them important. Because you could just as easily go the other way.

I think Sterling's current signature fits it: "Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass."

If they like you, then they like you. Why would you either want someone who cares so much about looks, or want to be that person who cares so much about looks?

 

[Sterling]

Because I want my boyfriend to think I'm pretty >: ( lol. That sounds whiny, but it's true.

 

[blackdot]

I'm not saying someone has to be a perfect 10... or 9, 8, 7 or 6.
But if I have to look at the person, there needs to be an attraction.

The idea of kissing someone is strange enough, but if the other person is not attractive then eek...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm not asking for a model, but just someone I'm attracted to. Simple enough. That can vary from person to person.

 

[nerdygirl]

I understand people saying they want to be attracted to the person they are with. That has nothing to do with the question: What is chemistry?

We have a thread here in which users post their pictures. I think the last time I looked at it was over a year ago. I don't know what most of you look like, and I don't care. However, if we were on Skype, and we developed a great sense of rapport, we could have chemistry. I'm surprised that even among the loneliest of people, I'm finding that there are some who not only cannot grant themselves this sort of connection, but they can't even fathom that it's possible for anybody else out there in the world.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think chemistry is attraction. However, I don't think attraction is 100% looks - not all the time anyway. Sure, there are those instances where someone might see someone, and instantly think they're fantastic. But it's not all the time.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think chemistry is attraction. However, I don't think attraction is 100% looks - not all the time anyway. Sure, there are those instances where someone might see someone, and instantly think they're fantastic. But it's not all the time.

This.

 

[ardour]

Rdor, when I tell a man I want to be friends I'm fully prepared to be friends. It's up to him to not be a total creep and keep it friendly. Which, in my experience, doesn't seem to be something most men are willing to do. It's like it's all or nothing. So, for me, if I don't want all I guess it's nothing bc I'm not going to date and pretend to be attracted to someone I'm not.

Anyone that says that looks aren't a part of chemistry must be blind (literally) or kidding themselves. Most of the time, our eyes are the first sensory we use to evaluate another person. If we don't find that person attractive we aren't likely to start talking to them with romance on our mind. Not that I don't feel that feelings can develop later, after you get to know someone. But if you're walking the streets and see someone you consider to be visually attractive you're more likely to go over and ask for a date, right?

Chemistry, to me, is being both physically and mentally stimulated by a person. Anyone that acts like sex in a relationship isn't important is just bonkers. I've witnessed many friends date someone they thought were great people, but there was no physical attractive. It always flops. There has to be a delicate balance. All sex and no personality obviously gets old too. There has to be both, imo, for a relationship to be healthy and be able to sustain.

As for myself, men typically get 2 shots to impress me. I can think you're a looker all I want.....but if on the date you don't impress me with your brain, I'm not going on another date. It's not hard to figure out if someone is a decent match after 2 dates. There has to be that spark for me.


Just my 2 cents....

There's so much wrong with your comment I don't know where to begin. Firstly, you use 'creep' in a casual manner, when creep has connotations of 'sex offender'. Secondly you seem to think that the relationship dynamics should mean that it's up to a man to impress you, implying that you can be lazy and passive while the man does the work, carries the conversation, works to meet your approval. That's an entitled mentality and it's essentially a sexist attitude.

Some men don't want to be friends because they're disappointed and think they have enough friends. Personally I don't think you can ever have too many friends, but that's their outlook...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I wouldn't argue that organic is that terrible for saying what she said. A creep can be someone who's a stalker, that doesn't mean sex offender. If I'm obsessing over a girl who wants absolutely nothing to do with me, I am fully prepared to be called a creep. It's a defense mechanism.

I don't agree with her on her looks or personality assessment, however. If someone isn't completely outrageous, and they are somewhat good looking, and they are somewhat charming, I'll be willing to give them a chance. I've actually developed crushes on girls because of their personality over time, and these were not beauty queens. Far from it. Unfortunately, I was never their price charming, at least in their eyes.

What she stated in her 2nd, 3rd, and 4th paragraph is exactly what is wrong with modern dating. People want instant gratification. Love isn't instant, and it takes time to build up chemistry...looks and personality included.

 

[nerdygirl]

It must be my age showing, but I was unaware that the slang word, "creep" has evolved to mean sex offender or stalker. In my day, it just meant, "annoyingly unpleasant, repulsive, or obnoxious person".

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It must be my age showing, but I was unaware that the slang word, "creep" has evolved to mean sex offender or stalker. In my day, it just meant, "annoyingly unpleasant, repulsive, or obnoxious person".

Speaking as a 30 year old, I was called creep in high school and college because I was unattractive looking (at least, to the girl.)

Creep has a different connotation to guys than it does to girls. Which is why it is such a controversial word to use.

 

[blackdot]

Creep can have many different meanings but then most words in the English language are that way.
A lot of words change over time to meat completely opposite things.
Like "bad" can mean "good".
Or like "awesome" used to have the same meaning as "awful".

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, I always thought this was the definition of creep.

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