Every day - Moments for Recovery/Development

[Abstamyous]

Just Games,

I hope that I didn't sound too ungrateful in my previous post. I do agree with you, that the gifts can be a nice way to show your love.

I have only seen the petty side of it. And I am terrified of seeing the good side of it. It sounds silly, but it is true.

The thing is, I love doing the gift thing for other people. At all times of the year. The receiving has always been a little difficult.

 

[Just Games]

Just Games,

I hope that I didn't sound too ungrateful in my previous post. I do agree with you, that the gifts can be a nice way to show your love.

I have only seen the petty side of it. And I am terrified of seeing the good side of it. It sounds silly, but it is true.

The thing is, I love doing the gift thing for other people. At all times of the year. The receiving has always been a little difficult.

Amy 

Everyone else don't look

I don't want to pollute your lovely thread with my overthinking because I really don't know  what to say, so I wanna get in and give this caring, giving young lady(something that's been lacking here a long time) a Big Hug. ❤

 

[Abstamyous]

Just Games,

I hope that I didn't sound too ungrateful in my previous post. I do agree with you, that the gifts can be a nice way to show your love.

I have only seen the petty side of it. And I am terrified of seeing the good side of it. It sounds silly, but it is true.

The thing is, I love doing the gift thing for other people. At all times of the year. The receiving has always been a little difficult.

Amy 

Everyone else don't look

I don't want to pollute your lovely thread with my overthinking because I really don't know  what to say, so I wanna get in and give this caring, giving young lady(something that's been lacking here a long time) a Big Hug. ❤

Aw, you're a sweetheart. Big hugs to you as well

Also, please post as you like. It's welcome here.

 

[Finished]

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[Abstamyous]

Your brains are showing again :club:

 

[Abstamyous]

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[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - Feb 17 - Acceptance


The Language of Letting Go - Feb 18 - Being Right


When it comes to my parenting, I have felt defeated several times in the last few weeks.

I want them to see that I love them, and I want to be right. I want them to listen to me.

I especially want my oldest son to see that I have his best interest at heart, and that I am trying.

The thing is, he is not wrong because he feels how he feels. I am not wrong, for feeling how I feel. There is no right/wrong.

I remember being 12, and being told constantly, how I felt was wrong. I had no reason to feel that way. It was in my head, and I needed to think better. I felt ashamed of my depression. I was ashamed of how my body reacted to depression, forcing me to feel ill all of the time. I honestly believed it was my fault. It was wrong, and an inconvenience.

When my son looks at me in the midst of his struggles, I see myself. I see the kid that felt unheard. I see the sadness. I see that he feels hopeless.

And I feel defeated. I feel scared. I want to be right. I wish it was as easy as him looking around at what he has, and suddenly all of his problems go away. I wish he knew the things about life, that I have grown to known. I wish he didn't feel the need to push away the people who love him.

I wish I was more tough. I wish I didn't break down. I wish that I had shoulders worthy of leaning on.

I am not wrong for how I feel. But there is no being right, when it comes to battling mental health on behalf of my children. I do not get to suppress them, it is my duty to work out the best ways to support them.

I admit that I broke down yesterday. As soon as I was alone, the tears came. And I felt very helpless. Alone. There's not a lot anyone can do for the "Rock", when she is trying to be strong. I am starting to see though, that when I do open up to how I really feel, there is some relief. So yesterday, when asked by my sister, I just said "I feel sad." No explanation or justifications came from my mouth. It just was.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. I always want to find what is wrong with it.

 

[Nicolelt]

The thing is, he is not wrong because he feels how he feels. I am not wrong, for feeling how I feel. There is no right/wrong.

The fact that you see this makes a you 110% better than my parents, and a lot of parents that I come in contact with.

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - Feb 24 - Recognizing Feelings

The Language of Letting Go - Feb 25 - Accepting Imperfection

"If it was okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?"

Alright, here we go...

I feel strong as a mother. A little unsure, but that's part of it. I am a rock for my kids, and it seems like they are trusting me to be that.

I am in love. The kind of love that I want to protect and nurture with everything I've got. However, I am finding I can actually be peaceful with it, trust it, and be myself. That feels pretty wonderful. I can be an adult, and not crazy. I really appreciate that I've grown out of some of the craziness that haunted me for a long time.

I feel productive. I've reached a lot of my goals so far this year. I feel pretty independent, but not so much "I have to figure this out on my own and never ask for advice, because I will seem stupid." It's nice knowing that things don't have to be an unnecessary form of complicated.

I am starting to feel healthy and strong. Moving feels good.

I fear rejection, but I am looking at actions of people around me, and they often show me that I am overthinking. I think I just have to trust that people will come to me if there is an issue.

I feel a lot of guilt. I should apologize more. I should pay more attention to my friends. I should stop making offers for things that I am unable to provide. I should stop setting myself up to offer support that isn't realistic for me to offer.

I feel I am boring. Every now and then, there will be a handful of people in a few days span, that make comments like "That doesn't sound like a lot of fun" or "That's boring." I have always felt fun seemed like a childish thing to seek out on its own, and is supposed to manifest after everything else. And even if I was doing spectacular things, I wouldn't share them with most people. But I feel the *** anyways. 

I feel unapproachable. It seems like people lately (especially my family), have dug their heels into the dirt when it comes to asking me for help, or when it comes to opening up to me. It's probably a result of me feeling shut in myself. It's a crappy cycle.

I am disappointed in myself. The disappointment seems to grow the more progress I make, as I am being quite hard on myself. Why am I not further ahead? Why is it so hard for me to make a change without obsessing over it? Why does peace feel so foreign sometimes?

There are a lot of changes in my thought process, that have brought up a general discomfort in me. I believe it is a necessary discomfort, because it has pushed me forward into the unknown. Adulthood is a real adventure.

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - March 1 - Letting Go of Anger

I used to be very angry. Violently angry. Punch walls, the fridge, the microwave, pillows. I used to threaten people. I used to throw and break things. Several years of what felt like nonstop yelling. My anger was mostly an echo of the void that I felt inside, being released in strong waves.

I am proud to say, that's long over. The void is mostly filled. There is no real wild fire anymore.

But there are things that make me angry. Some even just today.

It makes me angry that my family and my work experiences don't feel like team efforts. Everyone is kind of just doing their thing and hoping for the best. There is no real plan. I'm angry that the more I plan for my future, the more people treat me like I'm just trying to get away.

I'm angry at myself for feeling guilty all of the time. Especially when standing my ground has become so important.

I am angry that I keep second guessing myself, even when my initial instinct turns out to be correct. I am angry that I get so damn shy.

I am angry that I am even expected to stand my ground. Does no one just think "Hey, maybe she is doing her best?"

But, it feels good to be able to be angry, and to not yell. To not get furious. I used to see red. Now I just see what is, and what is can be worked with. It can be better. And I can be better.

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - March 2 - Feelings on the Job

  When I was still drinking, I used work as a way to pass time, to keep myself busy until I could have my next drink. If I had a successful shift (or a shift that inflated my ego), that gave me an excuse to have a full night's celebration. If I had a ****** shift, that gave me a reason to go to the bar to find someone to pity me. I gained a very false sense of pride, and believed I was better than my employers and coworkers, for I was badass and could do a lot of things, whether I was sober or hungover! The people I worked for were, overall, very ****** to me. But I chose to remain in that job, as it was the easiest way to feed my alcoholism. And nothing seemed too terrible, as long as my addiction was fed.

  My first six months of sobriety brought a lot of new feelings on my job. I wasn't really supported as a member of the team, and was often told to get over my issues as I didn't have it as bad as most people. My seniority in the building was abused, and I was forced into things that I wasn't actually qualified to do. I was often expected to work alone, and the pressure was too much. On top of that, I was verbally abused by my employer. She would often feel the need to tell me how much I was missing out on in the bar at night, and questioned why I believed I was an alcoholic, because I had been so fun! Eventually, I came to a place in my sobriety where I wasn't afraid to be jobless for awhile, I gave one month's notice, and I was at peace with the decision by the time I left.

  I found my current job two months later, and have been there for over two years. In comparison, my job is a vacation. I am not alone, and am not expected to work alone. Actually, I am often reminded that I should ask for help more.

  But I carried over a lot of bad habits and fears. I fear lack of validation. I fear not being successful. I have often taken on jobs, that aren't really my responsibility, but in the moment it felt nice to be able to do the extras. Or I wanted to show them that I could do so much more than everyone else may have been at the time. Initially, my intentions are well meaning. But over time, it turns into resentments against others who don't mind giving up their responsibilities if someone else is willing to pick them up.

  I have gotten caught up in the gossip and the drama, and talked so much myself, that I become the new gossip topic. I have been a *****. I have made people feel like **** around me, and I have felt like an elephant in the room afterwards. People don't hide when they are upset with me, and I feel often alone in those moments. I deserve it. I said the words.

  One of my New Year's goals has been to change my thinking towards work. It started with coming up with a routine of things that are my responsibility and priority to complete. Being 100% in my own role in the workplace. Turns out there a lot of those! And then, I decided on things that are not my responsibility, that I will never be asked to do, so better to leave my employer to delegate them to the people that they actually belong to. There are a lot of those, as well! And then, figuring out the things that I should ask for help with more often, and what would be acceptable for me to help with when it's needed (and my priorities have been taken care of). I have kept the majority of unwanted opinions to myself.

  At first, I felt really guilty. I feared that people would feel like I was abandoning a lot of what I used to do, which I kind of was. But over the weeks, a peace has kind of formed. My employer has given me a lot of compliments, and I feel almost no anxiety when working. I feel like I am on a good page, and feel more validated just because I know I am doing my best.

  I still experience feelings of irritation, especially when I see how much some people do slack off. But my job doesn't involve managing staff, and I will not pick up after careless people. That is my employer's responsibility.

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - March 3 - Accepting Ourselves

I find the exercises that involve describing myself, turn negative quickly. It's very easy for me to just say "I'm just too much" and then ditch the efforts altogether.

Am I a little intense sometimes? Yes. Do I feel before I think? Often. And I feel to the fullest.

I am a short, 160-something pound, dark brunette. My green eyes do most of my talking - they sparkle when I am happy, they turn dark when I am sad, and they often have tears from my laughing. I'm not a fan of my face, but I do enjoy dressing it up a little.

I enjoy all types of music. I am very careful about my movie choices, and often just watch the same things over and over. I watch too much TLC.

I'm not overly adventurous, but just enough so that I manage to shock people from time to time.

I have a big mouth. I laugh hard, especially at my own jokes. I get a bit too sarcastic at times. I get shy about saying the important things, but a little more comes out every day.

I'm not afraid of walking any distance. I do feel anxiety when in a vehicle for too long.

I enjoy the outdoors, directly outside my door and a little beyond. The thought of being in the wild terrifies and excites me.

I have a fear of deep water, but would love to go skydiving.

I don't trust most people to accept me on my political or religious beliefs. I realize, I just want to be respected for them, as I will respect others. No discussion required most of the time.

I would rather argue than be quiet. But arguing just because it's quiet, is stupid.

I feel stupid. I see myself as uneducated, any skill I have is something I had to force myself to learn in order to be good at my job. Not a lot of things feel as though they come naturally. Being a mom isn't natural for me.

Being loving comes easily. Perhaps too easily sometimes. But I don't regret any love I have given in the past.

I am full of a lot of random questions, that sometimes pour out and make the person I am asking really ******* confused. I'm still working on figuring out the natural flow of conversations. I am half convinced that the trick is just not questioning it.

At my best, I am easy to be around. Even for myself now, I get pretty comfortable with myself. Because I don't expect fireworks or have an ideal way of how something is going to go. I sit back, I observe and take it from there. At my worst, I hide. I get stuck internally. I stumble with explaining myself. I require more patience.

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - March 8 - Surrender


It has been hard for me to view "surrender" as something that isn't defeat. I have told myself that surrendering is equal to giving up. Perhaps, it could be said, that I have given up on trying to escape from reality. And I suppose that my attempts to escape, have caused me to feel the most defeat.

It occurred to me this evening, that surrendering is more like dropping a hot dish. I scold myself and feel guilty, should the dish break. But overall, my health was the priority. Surrendering is separating the guilt, shame and blame from the priorities, and allowing ourselves to find an opportunity to heal after the initial burn. Each time I have surrendered an idea that has burned me, I have become open and led to a more peaceful version of myself.

I know that I cannot force anyone to love me the way that I have wished to be loved all of these years. I surrender that idea. I pray that I can be a loving person, both to those around me and to myself. When I feel lonely, I trust that I can either reach out or find decent company within myself. In turn, I have found a greater supply of love than I have ever known.

I know that my body can no longer take the damage caused by years of neglect. I surrender the daily habits that made me feel and look like utter ****. In turn, I have found healthier ways to eat, sleep and energize myself throughout the day.

I know that I do not have all of the answers, nor the ability to be perfect. I surrender the desire to be who and what I am not. In turn, I have a more clear view towards my strengths, and what I need to nurture and sharpen further within myself. I am enough, for today. I will be enough, come tomorrow.

I am surrendering the pain from my past. I have grown to have a lot of faith in God, as well as in my own heart. I can trust, love and be loyal to myself. The rest will follow.

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - March 10 - Living With Families

I have lived with family for quite some time now. In many ways, the household dynamic is a lot different than the home that I grew up in as kid. There is more stability, and not a lot of fighting. I can be grateful for that.

In other ways, the dynamic is preventing any of us from thriving in our personal lives. We each took on roles, especially financially, that are quite unrealistic. We are all dealing with our own issues of codependency, disguised as "working like a team". It tends to feel more like a struggling marriage, than it does relationships between family members.

Recently, I have felt a lot of guilt over my personal financial decisions. I have made progress towards my goals of saving money. I have also stopped offering to pick up on other people's financial responsibilities. I have been constantly told how broke relatives are, and have been questioned for not being as transparent about my own money. I've put a priority on having more privacy, and that really bothers my family.

Sometimes, it seems like anything that brings me a sense of pride, brings out bitterness in family. My parents chose to just settle with their own behaviours, and never really pushed the boundaries of change, until it was forced on them. I can't really discuss the good in my life, especially with one of my parents, because it always turns into how ****** things have always been for them. I listen now, rather than argue, but it does tend to hurt me. As a parent, I want the best for my kids, and I want to see them reach their goals no matter how small they seem. I wish I had that for myself, but I understand the lack of healing within my family that prevents it.

Sometimes, it feels like my family is in one big pissing match, to see who has it the worst. I have removed myself, at least vocally, from those competitions. I fear that my detachments will equal me abandoning people, at least in their eyes. I try to focus on the positives that are happening around us, and offer empathy with the hurt feelings. It has gotten easier with my sister, as she is also looking forward in her own life and is focused on what will work to get there.

The Language of Letting Go - March 11 - Letting Go of Confusion

Some of the first boundaries that I set, early in recovery, were a result of being confused about situations with people. I had people in my life, that knew how easy it was to confuse me.

One example, I had a man tell me how nice my *** was, and when I told him he was inappropriate for speaking to me like that, he told me I needed to return to AA so I could learn what love was.

It seems so obvious now, that he was an *******. At the time, it shocked me. I actually questioned if I had been rude. In my confusion, I thought he was the more reasonable person, because I was just fresh off the drinking train and confused about everything that I was doing.

It is still very easy for me to become confused. And I get very flustered when it happens. The difference now, is I don't feel bad for saying "I will need to think about that for a moment. Let me come back to you." One trait I've noticed about reasonable people, is they want me at my honest, and my most mindful. They are patient. 

So, I imagine that I could be like them one day. I expect myself to be the most mindful I can be, and I am patient with myself.

 

[Abstamyous]

Start Over - Hope​

I wasted a lot of time and resources on my alcoholism. I abused the trust and love of everyone around me. I felt quite worthless and hopeless at the beginning of my sobriety. But I knew the only options were up or out.

Even with all of my faults, my rock bottom wasn't a completely hopeless situation. My family didn't abandon me. Financially, I didn't have much, but I also didn't owe anything. I still had my job. I didn't have a criminal record. And despite wanting death so many times, I managed to avoid that as well.

These were my first set of blessings when I began sobriety; I hadn't totally ****** it all up. It really takes a lot of weight off, knowing that starting over is completely possibly.

I don't expect perfection in my day to day life. It can be hard to see the changes when you only plan one day at a time, but when the months start to turn into years, the progress starts to outweigh the lack of. And it all sparked from one momentary decision, to find help and a healthier way to live.

Sometimes, a few hours into a day, I put myself into a timeout and say "Alright, let's try this again." Starting over doesn't have to be a lifestyle change. It can be an attitude adjuster, a smile creator, or just a breathing moment. It works.

Every new day that I wake as a sober person, I have granted myself a new reason to hope. I do believe that things are going to work out.

 

[Abstamyous]

[youtube]nTq9HVeeAZ8[/youtube]

 

[Abstamyous]

I am not sure where the last month went, but here we are at the end of April.

Life has been fairly good to me over this last little while. I managed to meet my goal of walking 95 km for a month long marathon. Work feels as though there is a much more natural flow to the order of things, and I find myself having fun and enjoying the company of my coworkers. I have been in a relationship for the longest period of time in the last 7 years. Remote learning was successful for the kids over the last two weeks, with no one stressed out. Coffee tastes amazing, the sunshine brings a smile to my face, and everything feels like it is moving forward.

I still dislike unicorns. I remain semi-partial to cats.

It feels good to trust, even if that just means simply trusting someone to be who they are. I've lost a lot of paranoia when it comes to the unknown, and it feels like a great weight off of me. I know I can be quite the professional worrier, so time to pack that away until I could really use it. Hopefully, not for a long time.

One thing that I will continue to work on, is "living". The time with the kids has been great. I've been working on a drawing for a couple of weeks, as I find it easier to do in steps as opposed to all in one go. I will take more advantage of the nice weather this year, perhaps even make myself a little garden. I found time to read a book in April, hoping to make it two in May. I have a friendship in my personal life that seems to have fallen apart, and I am unsure of how to proceed with that, but I trust the answers will come to me soon.

For the most part, things are quite positive. I feel pretty balanced. It feels nice

[img=300x300]https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.ne...928ebb2fbb10bb1f613a80be821&oe=60B0E2D3[/img]

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - December 25 - The Holidays

I'm sitting here, at the end of another Christmas day. I gotta say, it flowed quite smoothly. There was a lot of excitement, and seemingly a lot of togetherness. Wow, we even ate dinner together. What a change! Hopefully, the turkey is going to help take away the restless nights, even if just for one.

What would I change? I am part of a family that has never felt like enough, but tries so hard to compensate through materialistic gifts and money. And the truth is, we don't have enough to spend a lifetime trying to prove something. The adults in my house seemed to do meaningful gifting this year, which is a huge difference from the past.

(I would just like to warn that below may turn into a debbie downer post. Not trying to ruin the day for anyone, and I certainly haven't dwelled too much on it myself. It just came up while I was reading. Thank you if you take the time to read and thank you for being here)

There's a lot of things to get through from the past, though. I've been having flashbacks over the last few weeks, when particular smells or situations arrive. When I sat in a hot bath to relax my back muscles, I was reminded of living with my stepdad. We hauled water for our house, and he believed we only needed to bathe twice a month. Other than going to school, we never left the house. Even when us kids had some cash, he would just tell us we couldn't afford to pay for gas to go into town. I used to walk a 3km stretch of dirt road, multiple times a day, to not go stir crazy, even in the winter. But I did feel isolated.

Holidays were, as is the case during hard times and addictions, difficult. Chaotic. Every Christmas Eve (for as long as I could remember), my stepdad would drink and yell at my mother for not cooking enough meat and potatoes for dinner throughout the year. Every Christmas, he would switch from his usual beer to white wine, and end up asleep on the couch. The rest of us would just give space and eat our dinner in the quiet. If he did join, the table conversation was how ungrateful we were, and how we wasted his time and money. I'm sure there were years where we were ungrateful. I think most of the time, we were just hoping for the day to be over.

The last Christmas before I tried to numb out, was when I was 15. My stepdad, who had never offered help on a holiday before, woke from his wine induced nap, and decided he was going to try to stab my mother because she didn't wake him to carve the turkey. It seems so ridiculous now, but I punished myself for years over calling the police on him. And the situation created a bigger void. I realized after that day, that I would give anything to just feel at home and comfortable, especially on the holidays. That in itself, caused me to create more chaos before any calm. I've tried enjoying Christmas in other people's homes, and tried to enjoy it in my own. I've tried to avoid it altogether as well. But the truth is, it's something I will never be able to erase or replace. It's just not a part of my life anymore.

As I sit here, (with a heat activated mug of coffee, which shows the map of Middle Earth while hot and slowly turns dark the more I drink, like the Dark Lord is taking over) I'm thinking about how calm I actually feel today. How close to family I actually feel today. And how I actually feel valuable to someone, without the gifts.

And I kind of like it.

 

[verticalray]

Thank you Amy!

 

[Abstamyous]

The Language of Letting Go - December 26 - Growth

I was reading this and thinking about how I typically just expect myself to "get it" and "get there". But it's the journey that shapes me. The journey never really ends. It just opens up a different door when it's time for change.