I made a decision tonight...No, not a resolution. I've come to terms with the fact that whenever I swear to follow a resolution, I convince myself it was imaginary and didn't count for anything. The adult in me made a decision instead...Sometimes, it really is all about the language and thought process.
I decided that the one thing I can focus on over the next year is my hygiene. It's not terrible, but it certainly needs some work.
I grew up the stinky kid. My alcoholic father always got these cheap homes with a cistern you needed to fill with water. Or he didn't pay the bills and things got cut off. His mindset was that people only needed to bathe once or twice a month. And we were expected to wear our clothes until they were stiff. Honestly, I didn't realize it until my teenage years when it became fun for others to point it out.
The world my parents created for us was really an entirely different world than the one I had to walk out into. But that could have a page of its own.
I don't really feel I can blame them for the anxieties I've had as an adult. The anxiety is throughout every other situation in my life, where I feel as though I should be elsewhere and doing something more important. I have chosen to be surrounded by filth, just to end up in the fetal position and afraid of the thoughts in my head due to said filth.
I certainly do not live in filth anymore, but there are things I often choose to not do or forget to do. I don't have a proper routine for brushing teeth, and unfortunately forget to often. The shower curtain feels like a brick wall most days, or else I find shame in seeing my body. My hair doesn't know whether to be oily or less so.
Anyway, I've decided this is the one thing I can fix for myself this coming year, and for the rest of my life. It sounds stupid when I type it out, but I know what's inside.
Anyone else make a decision for the New Year?
I haven't made a decision / resolution for this year. I don't think I ever have. Philosophically, I would argue, time is of the essence, and the only time is now. So now's the time.
I don't honestly believe that though. heh.
Or, I don't practice it. It looks nice in print though.
I've been thinking about the, '
hard truth you've had to swallow,' thread. I've thought about it a lot. "What's a hard Truth you've had to swallow T-Fish?" I can't think of anything. I don't like the language used. To me, Truth, has been something very near and dear to me: a simultaneous celebration of all that I cherish, and perhaps as equally so, the ultimate embodiment of all the pain and alienation I suffer through life; whether it be self created and self imposed, or simply unavoidable. So, I still don't know. I don't think I'm one to swallow hard truths.
I've slowly been coming to a realization lately though. And it is this..
I'm not a particularly remarkable person. I'm queer (as in strange, not as in orientated). That which did not kill me, doesn't seem to have made me stronger. I've lived in a world of ideas, dreams, and high thinking; meanwhile, reality was happening. I didn't mean to neglect basic duty and responsibility in life. I did try college, and couldn't hack it. I failed. I'm estranged from my culture in a multitude of ways. My social competence feels nearly completely obliterated. I pace back and forth often, while smoking. Sometimes my thoughts are amazing; sometimes my thoughts are dismal. But by and large, they remain just that, thoughts. Probably my greatest accomplishment in the past several years is making a map for a video game (the game DOOM), lol. A couple maps actually. And ya know what? I'm proud of both of them in their own right, but, again, even they, are, mediocre, mostly.
I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of myself: my thoughts, my feelings, etc.., from time to time. I fear the future. Sometimes, I succumb to nihilistic thinking. "What's the point of even trying? The end is nigh." I feel empty, lost, alone, like an empty skin, shed from my former self, gone somewhere; I don't know where.
I often, 'white knuckle things,' the best that I can. Some people look down on that sort of behavior. I see now, there is no, 'right way.' I don't really believe that when I say it, either. I have my opinions, my Truth; and it does not run parallel with very many people. It lives on the borders and the edges of the collective unconscious. Like a not yet polluted stream, somewhere deep in the woods. I like it there. It's pretty, pristine, and clean. But the world... It's out there... Evolution doesn't know, 'right and wrong,' though. There is what is, and what was, what works, and what doesn't...
People need to connect. They need connection. They need love. They'll forsake their most cherished beliefs, to simply be accepted by the, 'whole,' (see: "1984"). They'll gladly ignore the inconvenience of critical thought and acquisition of knowledge, for the continued (stability?) of petty thrills and simple life (see: "Brave New World"). And I may be no different. I've denied My Truth before, in fear, like Peter. People need love, and understanding. They need connection. More than philosophy and Truth, right and wrong, people need each other. And if I'm to make a vague, blind guess, perhaps it's paradoxical, that, the very Connection people crave and need, Itself, requires Truth, Knowledge, and Wisdom. One can belong, but, belong to what?
So, to the extent I can barely muster any of it at all: humility, and to the extent I can realize it at all: reality; if I were lucky, which I may not be: perhaps the greatest gift I have available to me, is a life of experience that (God I hope not), requires of me to be greatly humbled...
...Humbled by my queer disposition.
Though I can't help but tell myself: "You are not strange."
And a small thing inside of me, like with a throat closed by nervousness, tries to say, "Maybe you are brave, maybe."
I've mostly just thought thoughts.
And, I think, I'm slightly okay with that. I don't think I'm content with it, but, I dunno... I think it's okay.
Maybe like a small sunflower that managed to grow in some side alley, behind an apartment complex, and nobody saw it grow. Nobody saw it bloom. Maybe a couple bees visited here and there. And then, someday (gulp), it will be gone. A little flower, in an unsuspecting place, that was perhaps, much ado about nothing, heh (I still don't believe that either!).
I've most often struggled with decisions
@Abstamyous Thnx for the impetus for some creative writing though (if even perhaps it was mostly just a good bit of puffery, heh).
Happy New Year!
(I don't subscribe to the concept of indefinite recovery (which I'm sure you know; forgive me), but I find I am always quite delighted by, if I may say so, your continual choice, to choose a path of continual transformation; your choice in seeking wellness/balance, and contented living. (if you don't mind my saying))
