Going to be gone for a while...

[humourless]

Im going to be here for a while. is that ok?

 

[user 139760]

I left for about 6-7 months after that thread title, hence the name.
If you meant You're going to be here a while, whatever floats your boat man.

 

[user 139760]

Alright, how long has it been now...8 months or something since I been here last? Little update time.

I'd like to apologise off the bat to my friends who wrote me and I didnt write back, much love to you all, but I'm a bad correspondent. Needless to say thank you for your messages and your love is returned. If you guys are still here at all. Truth is, I still cant afford a decent pc and my ipad is having so many issues its hard to come and one finger type here or on Discord for more than 5 minutes at a time. So this message was written in several shots and will probably take me two hours. So sorry for not answering one by one.

How am I? Well, better than I was, yet worse sometimes. I don't know, really. Life is kind of....muddled. Weird. I feel like I kind of lost interest in it, to be honest. Its a boring, dreary succession of going to bed in the morning, getting up at 9 at night, going to work, coming back in the morning and starting over again. Doing not much of anything except sleeping, eating little and finding everything a chore. Some days I wonder if Im still sane. Others, I wonder if my wonderings of being sane is a sign of creeping insanity. Sometimes I wonder if beeing really sane is actually what makes people go insane. Like staring at cold, hard Truth and not blinking is actually what makes people nuts or something. Maybe all this is a dream. Sure feels like it somedays. Tho, the cuts and bruises I got from the machinery at works remind me that if its a dream, it sure as hell can be painfull.
March is coming. We have a court date for when the ******* might get released. Because of course, thanks to our wonderfully crafted justice system, 5 1/2 years of prison can turn into 1/6 of your sentence. I can feel my anal muscles tightening in apprehension already. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know this; if it comes to pass, Ill stay out of the way. But if something from the past arrives to threathen my family, I won't trust the system a second time. My heart won't be able to take it. So I pray to the invisible, non-existent nothingness above that he keep me and mine from harm if he doesnt want a perfectly undesirable member of his flock to come join him early. Either that or Ill be showing up there in great shame at being so weak.
Besides that, nothing much. Still single, not looking. Yet looking. It's complicated. I guess I need a Princess Leia to pursue me for a change. Too bad she died. I've also been thinking about writing. Like really sitting down and writing. But my general lack of enthusiasm at life in general is kind of blocking me. Guess I just havent found the right motivation yet. Hope I do before Im 70.

Take care y'all. Peace. Ill try to be less of a stranger.

 

[user 115627]

It's nice to see your name pop up again, Richard. To be honest, shame on me for not trying to reach out to you but I'm glad you're still out there. Don't stop being alive and kicking, no matter what.

 

[MissBehave]

*hug* to Richard

 

[Just Games]

Yeah Richard hope you keeping well for them daughters , bet they are so proud of you and love you to bits mate....remember turbo ...London invite.

 

[JJW]

You will never blame the child for her own being. In that, if you have the chance, I'm sure you will love her regardless.

I had a similar experience, my son had a sudden personality change when he was nine. I saw the signs. So many simply baffled me. I couldn't understand them.

Not until my wife's brother committed suicide did I get the answers I'd missed. Looking into reasons for his death I found him on an abuse survivor site. I was stunned. Suddenly all those clues I'd found ten years earlier made sense. They'd both had the same abuser.

Not meaning to redirect this thread, it is important that you keep your daughter close in your arms all you can. Abuse changes children. They can't cope with it. They harbor anger and confusion and guilt. So make sure you tell her you love her and do it often. You don't need to bring up the why of it. She just needs to know you are behind her no matter what.

I say this because I've lost my son. We were best buddies before this. After, he was acting out. He never had the opportunity to deal with it. I couldn't fathom the abuser having done what I now know he did. I was left to confused to address it. My son has blocked it. He outright denies it now. But his anger had ten years to fester and it hunts for reasons to be, and he chose me as the source of all his pain. And he lets me know regularly.

I suppose I am at fault for not putting the clues together in time for him to deal with it. It's tough to fix something broken for so long. That's up to him now. He knows his anger is a problem. Until he faces the truth it will go on. But I'll never get him back.

Do all you can to not lose her.

 

[user 139760]

You will never blame the child for her own being. In that, if you have the chance, I'm sure you will love her regardless.

I had a similar experience, my son had a sudden personality change when he was nine. I saw the signs. So many simply baffled me. I couldn't understand them.

Not until my wife's brother committed suicide did I get the answers I'd missed. Looking into reasons for his death I found him on an abuse survivor site. I was stunned. Suddenly all those clues I'd found ten years earlier made sense. They'd both had the same abuser.

Not meaning to redirect this thread, it is important that you keep your daughter close in your arms all you can. Abuse changes children. They can't cope with it. They harbor anger and confusion and guilt. So make sure you tell her you love her and do it often. You don't need to bring up the why of it. She just needs to know you are behind her no matter what.

I say this because I've lost my son. We were best buddies before this. After, he was acting out. He never had the opportunity to deal with it. I couldn't fathom the abuser having done what I now know he did. I was left to confused to address it. My son has blocked it. He outright denies it now. But his anger had ten years to fester and it hunts for reasons to be, and he chose me as the source of all his pain. And he lets me know regularly.

I suppose I am at fault for not putting the clues together in time for him to deal with it. It's tough to fix something broken for so long. That's up to him now. He knows his anger is a problem. Until he faces the truth it will go on. But I'll never get him back.

Do all you can to not lose her.

They know it. I do everything I can and never miss a chance to let them know I love them. Ironically, my oldest is the one who is faring the best out of all of us. I don't know where that kid came from, she is without a doubt the single, most inteloigent, strongest and courageous young woman I k ow, bar none. I am immensely proud of her. She's using that as a focal point to channel her life into positivity. She's in college studying psychology. She's been with her boyfriend for three years, a nice strapping young lad her age who knows and respects everything she's been through, who's also slightly terrified of me. She has a good and varied social circle now that the pandemic is over. And she's fearless. Utterly. She's everything I hoped she would be and more.
I'm more worried about my youngest. She's more like me at her age. She bottles up and keeps it in. She developed negative feelings towards men and is uncomfortable sometimes, even with me, even if she loves me. So I do what I wish others gave me more of; a little space. I needed to work things out, so does she. But she's terrified of running into him.
Because he's out of jail now. Been out 3 days. Every time I see cop sirens on the street going their direction, I call under some pathetic excuse just to check that their fine. I work night shifts barely a minute dead run from their place, in case something happens. I'm not dealing with this real well. I don't know how to. I'm rather removed from my emotions besides, at the best of time, low-boiling anger and at the worst, fits of rage if I think too much about it. Happening more often since last week.
I went on a dating website recently. But, scrolling through pictures I feel...nothing. Sometimes I'll get looks or a smile from a nice looking girl on the subway or some such and I can't return it. I just stare with a deadpan expressionles face until I pass them by or they turn away and I have no idea why. I tried some help, but psy help just brings me back there and makes me remember and that's not the way I heal.
I've always healed over time. But after five years of falling asleep on the couch every day and waking up to the thought that I live in a world where this happened and that I want to kill him, falling asleep with the same, I'm considering that maybe there is no healing from this. That it permanently damaged me and drove me way too close to the brink of insanity. I don't know, but I wonder, because nothing feels right anymore. Nothing feels good, or fun, or passionate anymore. I've always been a good listener but people's problems or life stories right now leave me so unfazed, or hostile that they whine about so little, sometimes.
I don't know how to come back from this. These days I'm wondering if I ever will. I hold on for my kids, because I love them, they love me and I have an obligation to never let pain come their way for the rest of their lives.
But how do you go on or regrow enthusiasm when life no longer holds any appeal anymore? When all you can think about is that, almost 24/7, or when random people at work start talking about this or that child abuse story they heard on the news and wonder why you dont say anything, or look pissed off, or move away because you can't listen to that anymore?

Ugh, anyway, consider this an update. I'm not dealing well with any of this and I feel like a ticking time bomb. Couple that with goddamm rats in the wall the landlord dorsnt want to get rid of and the façt I'm practically pennyless from the 18 years of child support and said child support causing me to neglect my teeth for that period, culminating in me having most of them pulled out to be replaced with dentures that'll cost me 12000 over 10 years that I don't have, and I'm barely holding on. I only know how to move forward, which is where I'm going, but I just feel like I'm going through the motions. It's not for no reason I have a Firefly reference in my pic; I feel like I lost the war, the one to keep my kids safe, and every victory after that, anything I might achieve in life, feels hollow and not a victory at all. They don't matter. THIS mattered. It was the only thing that mattered and I wasnt intelligent enough or wise enough to stop it. I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for it. I no longer know how to move forward the right way. I just do.
But it's not fun anymore.

 

[MissBehave]

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I don't have much to say. Just wanted you to know that I read your words and I feel your pain like a similar wound upon myself.

 

[user 139760]

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I don't have much to say. Just wanted you to know that I read your words and I feel your pain like a similar wound upon myself.

Thanks. But don't. It's even part of why I'm still single; if I let some fall for me, she'll have to carry it around. No one but me has to. No one SHOULD have to.
But thanks for the thoughts.

 

[vauxhallastra]

You and I have quite a few superficial similarities, and I have been in quite a dark place recently (not as dark as in the past, though), but reading your story made me realise how fortunate I am.

I don't know why, but reading your posts on this thread reminded me of a song by the band Eels, about the singer's sister's suicide, where he sings "Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor, cry your guts out until you've got no more? Hey man, now you're really living."

The thing about Mal from Firelfy, is that he although he was permanently broken by the war, he was still a good dude, always. I think you are a good dude too. Sincere best wishes.

 

[JJW]

Fire Fly fan here too.

Hoping you find the best available to you. Greetings and farewells are often hollow and only a reciprocation, or just expected, but I honestly hope you and your girls find peace in life. It could be hard if you hold on to that anger. But no one can fault you if you do.

Peace, love, tranquility.

 

[Just_another_one]

Thanks. But don't. It's even part of why I'm still single; if I let some fall for me, she'll have to carry it around. No one but me has to. No one SHOULD have to.
But thanks for the thoughts.

I've been reading this thread from the beginning. Now I get better what you were talking about yesterday about dating.
I'm so sorry for what happened to yor girls. I hope they're better now. There are no words for such a thing.

 

[user 139760]

Well...I guess I should update this a bit, I've got a lot on my mind.
Feels good to write things here, kind of like a personal diary. Maybe some day I'll actually be able to read all of it back, right now the beginning is just too painful a read.
The night shift is closed. Some of my friends have left, some are leaving very soon. Including someone who's grown very close to my heart. Which I didn't expect. Or really want, for that matter. It's kind of left me dissatisfied of the entire place. I've felt like quitting before, but even moreso now. The walls are going to feel empty and without her to talk to...I don't know, I feel like I'm letting a part of me behind. Like I'm missing out on something I shouldnt miss out on. All sorts of warning bells are ringning in my head and I feel like the plant is running away towards meltdown, but...in the end, I've always done "the Right Thing". Probably because I've done the wrong things too many times in the past. So I'll probably do the right thing again and do nothing...at great personal cost. I feel like it's at an essential personal cost, but like one of my friends told me, don't trust yourself too much and I agree.
So...goodbye kid. See you in the funny papers.
I met someone recently, through an online dating app. She's a real nice person, kind, good listener, educated. Real class act. Yet, for some reason, I don't feel much of anything. I'm starting to question myself. Not that long ago, I felt like I would never try to get into a relationship again, because my feelings are weird now. Confusing. Not quite what a normal man my age should be. But the loneliness gnaws at me sometimes. So while it slowly, very gingerly moves forward...I can't help feeling like an ass. Like I'm going to hurt someone. I take little comfort from the fact I've been hurt far more than I've hurt others, because that's just the way I'm wired, but the prospect of going into this wrong bothers me and the thought of hurting someone mortifies me. More than once in the last few weeks, I've considered saying "Listen...I'm sorry, but I'm not ready" and I do think it would be understood. But by that same token...will I ever be ready? I'd hate to wake up at 80 to an empty bed. If things continue this way, that's exactly what is going to happen. We'll see. Mind is rather a jumble right now.

I've been trying to help my youngest with school. I'm happy, because I think she's realising for the first time in her life that it's important and asking me for help. I also realised I can't help her much. After the second session of working with her, I'm realising that the problem is her weekly visit to the psychologist. She misses one day of school per week and that's too much. She has gaping holes in her knowledge needs filling and I dont have the competence and intellugence to teach her a class every week. I told her to appeal to her teacher to have recuperation classes. God, all this pisses me off. Instead of helping, my ex is almost getting in her way, as if she cant even see that kids dreams are important to her. They are to me and I want her to succeed at them.

As for myself, well. Bleh. I don't know. I wish I could sleep. I'm really tired.

 

[Rohini]

You're a good man, Richard. Whether you accept it or not, you are.
A lot of fathers would be behind bars right now over the seething rage unable to be contained for what that sorry excuse for an alleged human did (i'm being overly polite here in this description as to avoid cursing) I was raised solely by my father from the time I was 11.... and I can't even imagine what he would have done in this situation, if it were me.

This was heavy. Really heavy. Reading through some of it brought me to tears.
I can't stomach hearing about people who harm children.

<3
for what it's worth, I hope you're doing a lot better these days...

 

[user 139760]

Well, guess it's time for an update to this. I haven't written one in a few years. Somehow I feel this thread will be kind of my legacy. Like, a warning buoy in the night. To other people, other parents passing by in the night. Watch your kids closely. You never know.

I tried re-reading it from the beginning. Still too painful. As soon as I get about halfway to the first post, my heart starts racing, my jaw clenching (with the disturbing annoying sound of not quite adjusted dentures in my mouth bothering me, yet a habit I recently picked up) and anger and despair boiling, so I have to stop. It's ironic, because everyone I ever confided in about this tells me it's good to talk about it, helps put it behind. On some occasions, very rarely with people I teally trust, it does. More often than not though, it just takes me right back there. I realized that's not good for me. Makes me angry, closed off, not particularly humanly or friendly. On some nights, it makes me downright nasty. I rember one night in particular at work when I allowed myself to think too much, I actually blew a partial gasket towards a woman I was working with. I apologized later, she didn't take it too personally, but I saw the fear in her eyes. Can't say I blame her. It was uncalled for. Not totally, she was kind of a bitch lol, but the reaction did not equal the action. Which is why I so tightly try to maintain control at all times.

I got closer to Lucia these last few months. She's a good kid, we have fun working together. I make fun of her, she makes fun of me, I tease her on her funny spanish accent, her short size and her lack of *******, she teases me on how much of a tiny dick I have, how Quebecquer I sound and how I'm way to good at imitating a gay man.... All that actually makes me feel real good. Closer to normal than I've felt in a long while, because it's basic, regular, fun human stuff. That's the kind of thing that helps me heal. Just smiling and laughing. For the longest of times, my smiles and laughter were pretty much fake. Now, once in a while, they get genuine. Moving in with my sister also helped and in a way, that kid at work reminds me a lot of the relationship I have with my sister. That really helps. It's something I hadn't expected would happen.

As for the girls...well lol. Things are a bit better for the both of them. My oldest, after taking a yearly sabatical, finally started college again. I was getting worried at seing her stagnating like that. It's only what's called a "tremplin DEC", meaning she has no specific program, but it'll get her back into it. At least it's a step forward.
My youngest, on her own demand, asked to stop her ADHD medication. Since then, her school results have skyrocketed. She says others have told her that her moods have improved. I didn't have the heart to tell my ex "I told you so" when she decided to have her diagnosed as such when she was 6 over my intense objections, I knew it would start a fight, so I just thought it at her real loud. I can only hope that nothing bad can come of her having that diagnosis on her permanent record. If she decides someday to become say, an airline pilot, I would hate for her to be denied for say,"mental health issues". We're supposed to have laws against discrimination, but....I wonder. I miss them both. Very much. I don't often get a chance to see them anymore since I moved here, certainly not all three of us being together at the same time because of logistics of it, but every day that passes, I think of and miss my girls. I'm never feeling 100% whole when I'm not with them. I wish we could all live eternally so I could spend all the time in the world with them.

This cell is still a new experience. Still getting used to all the bells and whistles. Gave dating apps a shot, but besides weirdoes or fuckfriends, there's little seriousness behind the thing. If I just wanted a roll, that wouldn't be too complicated. That's not what I want. I don't know that I'm really...still capable of being in a normal, stable, work at it together LTR, but I decided it's what I want. So far though...the people I met haven't really impressed me. The fact I'm somewhat of a misanthrope probably doesn't help all that much. Or that I'm not that optimistic lol. But I don't want to give that up. I decided, after much mucking about, I really do want someone in my life. I never believed much in all that "both halves of the same heart" kind of stuff, not since my early teens...but this time, I really want to find out if that can be true. Find someone on the same wavelength, someone I feel comfortable and unpressured just to spend time with. Someone who doesn't annoy me after about 20 minutes. So far it hasn't happened, only a few smiles on the subway or bus on occasion, but no one that I can really picture in that way, wether it be in real life, or online on dating apps. Well...maybe one person. But that'd be a helluva logistical problem.

I had anticipated to only stay at my sister's one year, but now I'm wondering if I'll have to stay longer. The prices of appartments has skyrocketed this last year in this city. Enough that, even though I make a very good salary, with the 40% gross they take from me as child support and the fact I live alone with only one salary, I'm wondering if I'll be able to get back out there. Gov says 25% of your salary, max, should go to your appartment or housing cost. That'd be about 500 a month. There is, quite literally, NOTHING being rented in this city at that price. A decent 3 1/2 starts at 900 now, that's almost half my salary. I don't really want to go back to eatin kraft dinners thrice a week if I can help it.

Anyways, to conclude this. I'm feeling better. Much better than I have in a long time. It's still uncertain, I still don't quite know what I'm doing, where I'm going lol...but for the first times in many years, I feel like I can get to try and somewhat enjoy life. I don't always feel like that...but I feel it more now than before.