Going to be gone for a while...

[Seahorse]

That's another thing that's hard to live with, let's not get too much into that. It's something else that keeps me up at night, considering I'm very big on family. That was one of the harder decisions to make. Suffice it to say, jury is still out on wether I think it's a silver lining or not. It's just f'ed up all around.
September the 5th is irrevocably changed for me.

You know it was for the best to give the baby up for so many reasons.. For your own baby and that child... It was a brave and wise decision for your child...

---

Richard, my very favorite tv show is Criminal Minds.. My favorite episode is one where a serial killer impregnated his girl friend... She had the child, but gave him up to be be adopted by an affluent couple... The women was on death row for her involvement with the serial killer....they found the child and he was a child prodogy and the mother chose to take her death penalty than expose who her child really was

 

[user 139760]

HA! And out comes further warnings, they said they'll fire me. Got two more, supposedly because I made too many mistakes...this is a first in a 15 year career.
I hope Sunlife hurries up before I blow a gasket, I'm tired of smiling like a moron and saying I'm sorry.

 

[Seahorse]

Im starting to believe in the law of attraction..
This negative **** keeps coming at you... Summon your inner Jericho...you are a father, a defender.... I believe in you!!!

 

[user 139760]

Im starting to believe in the law of attraction..
This negative **** keeps coming at you... Summon your inner Jericho...you are a father, a defender.... I believe in you!!!

LOL I can't beat up women at work....
I just have to hold on. Hopefully that job interview comes through before real troubles start.

 

[Volt]

LOL I can't beat up women at work....

Why not?

 

[user 139760]

LOL I can't beat up women at work....

Why not?

...well jail, police, etc. lol.
Besides which, if I'm to go to jail, that's not why I want to go there.
Not to mention the face of my kids. Though for having seen a few, I doubt they'd be particularly mad about it.
If I could though, by now I'd probably have thrown 2 or 3 out the 8th floor window.
See, I knew there was a reason I don't like democracy and it's laws...

Anyways, even though I called all this, I was severely depressed yesterday night. I called my cousin and my sister, who of course proceeded to tear me a new one lol.
I was telling them I was tired. That even though I've been running around trying to change things for months, nothing's changed. I thought things were better at work, I figured I had imagined all of it, but that threw everything down. I started wondering if in the end, I'm THE ONE with the problem. Maybe I've gone stupid. Maybe I'm a wretch. I always took criticism very personally and like I told them, they can never be as hard with me as I will ever be with myself. I torture myself regularly. I feel guilty for **** I shouldn't have. So yesterday I felt incompetent, moronic, idiotic. Funny how I can be told I'm a genius and then be told I'm a moron all in the same lifetime.Unable to cope with the modern world. Sad. Tired. Exhausted. My sister called me an idiot for it lol. She said "Richard, you called these events to me. You called them 3 months ago. And they happened. How dare you think you're the problem". Which I know she's probably right,but...that's just not how I feel right now. I've been finding things more an dmore complicated these last few years. Maybe it's because I'm growing older. But I feel the time I liked, the 90's, passed me by, the world got complicated and changed on me. But I didn't. I'm still the same guy I was in the 90's. Same idiotic hope. Same sense of simplicity. But it's not adequate or desired in 2018. So I feel uneven. Iadequate. Old.

Times like these, are the times I regret not killing a man. When you feel your life would improve if you were incarcerated, there's a real problem, isn't there?
I regret ever taking this job. That wasn't the initial plan either. I was supposed to stay here 6 months, go into security. I was actually convinced to stay by my boss, who at the time was throwing flowers at me. Not used to getting flowers thrown. Figured I'd stay. Then all this......well, I regret. I'm not a man who ikes to live with regrets either. But that's one. Times like these I also think about suicide again. I try to shy away of it, but it's rather hard, considering I've thought about it at LEAST once a week for the past 8 to 10 years. Recent events have just augmented that. Of course, I'm not allowed to, because of a promise and the pain it would cause my daughters, but I think that just makes it even harder to deal with. I suspect 10 to 20 years from now, I'll be good for the loony bin.

Anyway, rant over. I got to focus on my meaningless, tortured existence right now. Long weekend this weekend, I'll be able to go to my folks place with my kids. The woods, fresh air, hopefully some hard work...that'll get me back to snuff.

 

[user 139760]

Wow, okay, so I'll try and be brief, but a lot happened yesterday. And harsh language ahead probably, be warned.

I had a meet with my social worker, pre-trial stuff. He mostly listened to me talk. Afterward, had some tests to do at the hospital, they called me for a job. But after the tests...if they call me back, they're idiots; I understood JACK about what the tests were about. It felt like grade school all over again. So scratch that, I'm not going to work there. I even botched the last questions because I just didn't get them.
After that, I had to run around for Sunlife. As soon as I sign my contract and clicked it, there were asking me for a bunch of forms to send before tomorrow was out. Naturally, I was panicked, since I didn't have access to the web or a scanner, so I rushed over to my sister and we managed to cook something up. I'm waiting for news on their part right now to see if I did everything right. But it left me worried about wether or not I'll be in or not, which is something I don't need right now.
Then, the "pièce de résistance"....
Spoke to my ex on the phone, she was at the prosecutor's office, the trial is on friday, when we'll learn how long he gets put away.
She learned, and told me, some of the upcoming details. It's making me lose faith I have in the Justice system DAMN fast...
Prosecution is trying for 6 years. Defense is trying for 1 or 2. She was given some of the sexologist reports. I'll refrain from writing any of it here, as you Americans say, I'll take the Fifth. Suffice it to say I'm not happy and asking myself some serious questions right now. I'm considering, seriously this time, throwing my entire life away. I've more than had enough of all this ****, more than enough. For the last 15 years I've been ruining my future, both physical and financial well-being, for those kids. Now this ************ is laying it on all of us, destroying everything, with his family supporting that "poor, poor sick man"? NAH-HUH. No way. No ******* way. What's a job, an appartment, anything else, compared to how my daughters feel? They're tired, scared to go out, scared to live, are stuck with feelings of worthlessness, of shame, of self-loathing? I'm supposed to just smile, hug them and tell them everything's got to be alright when that guy still has his ******* BALLS attached to his body?
I try to do the right thing. I listen to what everyone has to say, cops, prosecutors, social workers, the works. And now this. This ******* horseshit. This stupid, grotesque, idiotic, insane, inane ******* horseshit. This lying ass, balless, gutless sack of ******* crow feces laughing in a ******* cell for what he did to an innocent ******* kid. MY kid of all the ******* people on this ******* planet.
He's going to pay for this.
Even if it's the last thing I do.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I'm sorry to hear what you and your daughter has been through. I wish you both nothing but the best.
I hope that the sick ******* gets what's coming to him but don't ruin your life.

Take care.

 

[user 139760]

Okay, so lots of stuff happened these last 3 days.
I went to the trial on friday. It was damn hard. I kept staring a hole in the prick, his mere presence makes me ill to my stomach and gives me thoughts of murder. As I dreaded, it made local news in two newspapers and on tv, but thankfully, and I deeply regret saying this and never thought I would, a woman having killed her 2 year old baby is the main story around here and prevented this from becoming bigger than it already has been. I tried to steer away from the facebook comments for the article, which has quite a number of innaccuracies, but when I saw yesterday it was at 1300 comments and read a few of them, I almost smashed my ipad. Haven't been there since and I don't plan on doing so again.
At first, court wasn't SO bad. It was hard, but manageable. Both my daughter and my ex read a letter on how it affected their lives. I didn't, the prosecutor had asked me and I replied that it wasn't things I could talk about in court. So I abstained. When my daughter read it, everyone was crying. Judge included, which I was told doesn't happen often. Theprick had apparently wanted to testify himself, but following my daughter's speech, his lawyer answered he wouldn't. There was no comeback to that and whatever he had to say, I wouldn't have bought anyway.
Then, came the hard part. While he was inside, they asked a sexologist and a psychologist to do a profile. He rejects the entirety of the blame, refused therapy and puts the blame entirely on my ex for no giving him enough sex and my daughter, for several things that were mentionned in the report by the sexologist which were COMPLETE ********, I figured he thought by doing so he wouldn't be tagged as a pedophile, but it had the opposite effect of being a classic move of blaming the victim. He claimed things that simply didn't happen, which are too disgusting for me to write here. I listened for about 5 minutes and then I got mad. I mean MAD. I got up and grabbed my coat almost in a trance, all I could think about was murder but instead of bee-lining to the accused box, I made for the door. Right face to face into the special constables with their hands on their guns. For a fraction of a second, I thought they were drawing (I had made a lot of noise bolting out, I was told), so I raised my hands to say "let me the hell through". They moved, I stormed out (I was told afterwards by my ex everyone had thought I had torn the court doors off). One of them followed me outside to calm me down and told me I had done the right thing getting out. We chatted for a while and he told me how much admiration he had for me just to have stayed there listening to that that long, as a father himself of a little girl. Replied back I didn't feel a whole damn strong myself right now and went out for a smoke.

The actual sentence was postponed till the 15 of mai. Judge wanted to deliberate on it, since this will probably set a precedent in legal law, there's no juriprudence on the thing. Defense asks for 3 years, prosecution wants 6. Either way I find it laughable, I actually wrote to a senator about it. Doubtful it'll do all that much. But you know...
Following day I went to sign my lease, which I got, I'll be moving in july. There's at least that. Still no news from Sunlife, waiting for the girls there to tell me I screwed up something, but it's taking a long time. I wanted to quit my current job today, but now I'm scared, so for once in my life I think I won't give them 2 weeks notice. I feel bad, but better to look like an ******* than starve. And they've been quiet all morning. I wonder how long till I get the hammer, or if the fact I told them it made the news convinced them putting more pressure on me would make them look like ********.....
I tried to forget about it and took my oldest to see Ready Player One. For once, I wasn't disappointed at the price of a movie theater lol. Awesome movie. For 2 hours, I didn't think about it. Over the last 8 months or so, that has to be some sort of record, I can hardly go 20 minutes without thinking about the worst event in my life, usually. The news doesn't seem to be concentrating on the story anymore, so hopefully 3 months from now everyone will have forgotten and we'll be able to get on with our lives better. At least that's what I'm praying for. Thats right. I even went to church and everything. I still don't know how I feel about that yet, but at this point...what the hell.

 

[kamya]

I find it amazing that even if the prosecutors get what they want it would still only be 6 years. I never would have guessed someone could do what he did and get such a short sentence.

Stay strong Richard.

 

[user 139760]

I find it amazing that even if the prosecutors get what they want it would still only be 6 years. I never would have guessed someone could do what he did and get such a short sentence.

Stay strong Richard.

That's not the hard part. I don't know about the states, but the whole "good behavior" thing means he can do 1/6th of the sentence. Means one year. He's already been preemptivily locked up since October, which counts on the time. So he could be out by the end of the year.
Laughable.
Only consolation I got is they'lll put him in a Federal Pen. Those guys are notoriously nasty on pedos. He might not even make it out, at least not as intact as he went in. Only small consolation I get out of it. Like I said, I wrote to a senator who specializes in defending victim's rights, but it could be months, if ever, when he gives word back.
I'm trying to stay strong, thanks for the support. But I'm starting to feel like a really old man right now.

 

[Jently]

There are no words Richard, just know that there are so many people sending support and caring about this and you and your family.
This comes from the bottom of my heart which is hurting for you x

 

[user 139760]

There are no words Richard, just know that there are so many people sending support and caring about this and you and your family.
This comes from the bottom of my heart which is hurting for you x

Thanks Jently, I appreciate it. And I know. Lots of people have sent me their support. I'm trying to live up to it. It's probably one of the only reasons I haven't folded my cards yet, people are keeping me up everyday.
At least we're closing in on the relative end of the story. I hope.

 

[PurpleStar]

Sending my thoughts and genuine wishes your way Richard.

I really do hope this person gets what they deserve, but whatever the outcome, stay strong and know there are a lot of people with you in support.

 

[athelas88]

Makes me really angry reading how he shifts the blame like that, just totally incapable of feeling any remorse for his actions. Hopefully he will get his comeuppance in a Federal Pen.
Sending my thoughts to you and your daughters as well. Stay strong and take care Richard.

 

[user 139760]

Alright, little update, I'll be brief; I just quit my job lol.
Finally I got SL confirmation and quit. Not proud of myself though; instead of being the arrogant ******* I used to be and tell them to shove their freaking job up their keysters for all the **** they wraught on me and mine...I played the PC nice guy thing and spun them a yarn about how I was taking measures to study intervention with children (which is true) and had an opportunity in an attached domain (which is...okay KIND of true, but only if you stretch it a lot). All that for the sake of not having a scene or argument I want to avoid at all costs because, well frankly...i'M tired and I don't feel I can take the stress of big schocks anymore. So I kind of chickened out and sort of lied....

WHICH I HATE. I'm an extremely talented liar when I want to. But I detest it and never use it, because it's cheap. At least that's one thing I won't be sad to leave behind, other place, they don't enjoy it either. I hate this PC crap.......

 

[user 139760]

hi every1

Quick update, not dead, in fact doing magical, first time in a long ass time lol. A pain to write omn this ipad, if all goes well and according to plan , in about one or two months, Ill drop by you guys more regularly.

loves and kisses all around, boys n girls!

xox

 

[user 139760]

Its funny how reading an old thread from its inception reminds you of how far you've come and how different you are from the initial person who wrote it. I won't go off in a long tirade, basically because I can't, but things have greatly improved, save one and a consequence. The one thing is that he might be up for parole in 2019. So much for 5 1/2 years firm. This has a tendency to make me more angry and short sometimes when conversations run around a similar subject. Ive noted I'm generally more impatient with...well everything. Not good, I'll have to work on that.
The consequence is increased social isolation. To be honest, though...I like it. Its ironic, because I seepeople on here everyday, or elsewhere, be miserable for it, seek therapy or ways to alleviate it. Whereas I seek it. Its like all this has made me not want to get involved in life, in general, anymore. I feel I've earned it by now. Social obligations keep me at work, but if I wasnt desperately in need of money, I wouldnt anymore. Isolated log cabin in the middle of nowhere with a few neighbhors 4 miles distant, an xbox and a drinking hole, with 3 short convos with one or two barmaids twice a week sounds like paradise. I wonder if that's wrong, sometimes, as its something people try to avoid, not actively seek out. A nice girl would be nice, but in my experience, romantic relations have always been more trouble than they are worth. I'm not even trying anymore, even though I get pushed to it by others. Naturally, they don't know why, and I can't tell them. I've had enough random people crying over this story and its always what automatically happens. So I keep it between us who already know.
Well, turned out longer than expected lol. No ipad slowdowns, thats weird. Cant write four lines without it doing that, usually. Wish I could afford a pc.
Well, back to work.

 

[user 139760]

It's funny. Not in a haha funny, but in an ironic, sad wat.
My daughter is apparently not too scarred from all this. Wish I could say the same. She's going to be 16 in march. I'm not sure yet how I feel about that yet, in conjunction with the fact she's making herself a boyfriend right now. Dont get me wrong, Im happy to see at least some of her faith in men restored. But I think it's too soon. Sadly I don't have much to say on the matter. I learn everything after the fact. I want to meet the kid and have a sitdown, meet his parents and talk about things. That doesnt seem to be likely...I guess I'll have to endure. My own little private Phantom pain.
Ironic, because I'm playing this game right now and the story, especially the song, is strangely applicable to me. The man who sold the world. I'm that. For years I've worked at being a better person and convincing others of that when....I'm really not. I've sold the world, my world, meaning friends and family alike, that I'm okay after all this. I'm really not. I don't think I ever will be. I've said it before on here somewhere, there are pains that just don't go away. That you feel all your life. That change you, or in my case, revert you it seems. Phantom pain. The pain of loosing something that you can still feel as if it were there, when it's not. I've sold the world the idea I was okay with everything now. How can a man who gets up in the morning and wonder if he'll murder a pedophile every morning be considered okay? Almost a year and a half latter, it still hurts. I think it's because he lives. I'm dying to not be this new guy I became over the years and go back to the heartless person who doesn't care anymore, who revels in pain. But I have responsibilities. I can't. So the conflict is tearing my soul away and leaving me miserable. Lost. Alone. In a much more profound way that physical loneliness.
So yeah, in an ironic twist of faith, I'm the man who sold the world too. It's a question or not of wether or not I will cross over and how long until that happens, or if the phantom pain will kill me before that happens. Some days its hard enough just to get out of bed. I dont know how Ill be able to go on for 40 more years...

 

[Jessicat]

*giving you a big hug*