ardour
Well known loser
** re-posted in the new members forum, mods please delete. **
I’m a 32 year old guy and live in New Zealand, and I have to say that the last few years have been the worst of my life. It's finally hit me that I probably won't ever have any friends. My mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer 5 years ago, and I’m an only child (no involved father) so I’m still at home. It sucks, I’m selfish and it's disgusting to moan considering all she has had to go through, but here goes..
Being hassled all the time and universally hated in school meant that I didn’t get to develop the crucial social skills at the same time others do. I became a complete no self-esteem 1st prize idiot as a teenager. Moving on to university studies things were practically the same as school except not as overt ; the majority always judge by looks. Those few who don’t move on too quickly – I never managed get past the polite stage where you could take it further and contact them again. It just didn't feel right to impose myself on people I didn't know that well... It would end with a cordial “see ya later” one day. Except I never did. I've got in touch with a few of these acquaintances through facebook – but it's a double-edged sword ; their full social lives, married lives...shoved in ya face… while I have been out socially in the last seven years maybe…hell, maybe four or five times !? (excluding family outings) The penny began to drop once I was working full-time at 26. My chances were over, and making friends in a workplace is difficult to impossible.
This would be a familiar sort of sob-story so far, but what I can't ephasize enough is how gross I am. Not on some superficial level, like for eg. overweight or acne ridden, but more fundamentally ; my features and head are all crushed in, basically I look retarded and very unattractive. I'm not even ugly, rather freakishly gross. My head did not grow to a proper size and I know the reason for this - stress from things which happened to me as a small child/toddler. Believe me *no-one* would want to hear about it, and this would probably be deleted.
Most people attribute ugly character traits to someone this unnattractive and that's the end of any potential friendships. You will suggest that to focus on that as the source of my problems implies shallowness - maybe so - but imagine being a guy and getting called gross on a regular basis, particularly by younger women, while just walking down the street. Feel what is does to your confidence. No BS - I get called that.
I don't know where to go from here. I work in the University library around some of the most introverted sorts of people in society. There's no-one to talk to. I can't move away or start somewhere else. Self pity is counter-productive but hard to resist - so here I am asking for sympathy from strangers on the net....
I’m a 32 year old guy and live in New Zealand, and I have to say that the last few years have been the worst of my life. It's finally hit me that I probably won't ever have any friends. My mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer 5 years ago, and I’m an only child (no involved father) so I’m still at home. It sucks, I’m selfish and it's disgusting to moan considering all she has had to go through, but here goes..
Being hassled all the time and universally hated in school meant that I didn’t get to develop the crucial social skills at the same time others do. I became a complete no self-esteem 1st prize idiot as a teenager. Moving on to university studies things were practically the same as school except not as overt ; the majority always judge by looks. Those few who don’t move on too quickly – I never managed get past the polite stage where you could take it further and contact them again. It just didn't feel right to impose myself on people I didn't know that well... It would end with a cordial “see ya later” one day. Except I never did. I've got in touch with a few of these acquaintances through facebook – but it's a double-edged sword ; their full social lives, married lives...shoved in ya face… while I have been out socially in the last seven years maybe…hell, maybe four or five times !? (excluding family outings) The penny began to drop once I was working full-time at 26. My chances were over, and making friends in a workplace is difficult to impossible.
This would be a familiar sort of sob-story so far, but what I can't ephasize enough is how gross I am. Not on some superficial level, like for eg. overweight or acne ridden, but more fundamentally ; my features and head are all crushed in, basically I look retarded and very unattractive. I'm not even ugly, rather freakishly gross. My head did not grow to a proper size and I know the reason for this - stress from things which happened to me as a small child/toddler. Believe me *no-one* would want to hear about it, and this would probably be deleted.
Most people attribute ugly character traits to someone this unnattractive and that's the end of any potential friendships. You will suggest that to focus on that as the source of my problems implies shallowness - maybe so - but imagine being a guy and getting called gross on a regular basis, particularly by younger women, while just walking down the street. Feel what is does to your confidence. No BS - I get called that.
I don't know where to go from here. I work in the University library around some of the most introverted sorts of people in society. There's no-one to talk to. I can't move away or start somewhere else. Self pity is counter-productive but hard to resist - so here I am asking for sympathy from strangers on the net....
