Solivagant said:
I stumbled upon
this Tumblr post this morning, which kind of explains what I was trying to say in more detail.
I won't offer any more suggestions, since you seem to have made up your mind about things already.
People crave me. Almost always anyway.
My problem doesn't really in not being able to form friendships or even in interacting with people in general. I fit in pretty well without faking who I am. Everyone would give you good opinions about me or say I'm just a cool guy. I can have a good time with people, chat, joke, have conversations and solve problems.
But there's a limit. Kind of a ceiling that stops me from being satisfied with that. I took insolation not by choice in my early 20'. I attribute my lack of attachment to shyness and low self esteem, but slowly I was able to see that certain patterns in people prevent me from "not judge them". I got into art, philosophy, science, literature and so on, and, with time I realized that what I did wasn't some incredible task or that I was some knowledgeable scholar. Why the rest isn't doing the same? I thought. Why my questions always get an "I don't know" or "I never thought about that".
Is not only the capacity to recognize deep subjects that separates me from people, but the disposition to acquire new knowledge. The capacity of self-reflection and critical thinking, the willingness to be challenged and to defy customs. And finally, what separates me the most is that this majority that alienates me are united in a comfortable group called society. All their differences from me are the accepted norm of opinion and consensus about the model of thinking that prevails in the present.
It has took me a life of careful observation and experience to realize people aren't that much of a deal. They may be different from each other, but that doesn't mean they have potential. Potential to transcend to something else that your Average Joe on the weekends. You can be content with that; I can to some extend. But there's no more connection than that. I need a little more every day. That may sound selfish but It really causes me distress not being able to communicate with other individuals similar to my own. After all that's the kind of people we're attracted, isn't?
You give people too much credit. I give them the benefit of the doubt and they fail 100% of the time. The way they talk, the way the dress, the music they listen and the type of humor they have. I've came to the point in which I can predict those traits with a little clue or two. I can predict their political inclinations, their taste and even their background. But I never say anything, because that would be rude, I would be "judging their worth". When they aren't concerned with growing that worth because no one has said to them they can be more.
It's always the same faults, the same moral failings, ethical failings, ignorance, fear, selfishness, stupidity. Every single one of them without exception, all my life, every single one.
14yr o me: Teacher, John Dalton also discovered daltonism.
Teacher: Never heard of that, you're lying.
16yr o me: Did you read the book for the test.
Calssmate: No, just the summary.
16yr o me: Why?
Classmate: Cause is boring.
20yr o me: I don't think the bible's stories are true.
Girl: My priest says that those things could happen in a normal way, and then transform into metaphors. So they were true.
20yr o me: Tha's called rethoric.
Girl: What's that?
23yr o me: Some say the universe in an hologram. We project reality trough our senses but space time isn't really there as we imagine it.
Coworker: You're crazy, shut up.
Religious friend: Nothing a human does has value unless he has accepted jesus christ on his heart.
25yr o me: What if someone cures cancer and doesn't believe in god?
Religious friend: Then what he did has no value.
25yr o me: But he would save millions of lives.
Religious friend: Of people who don't believe either, what's so good about that?
There's more examples but you get the idea. If you think I'm exaggerating take into notice that we live in different parts of the world. With a different historical background, different genetic heritage, different culture, education, idiosyncrasy, societal structure and customs. This is my environment. It may be other kind people out there, I'm sure, but this what I got. It's the same online than in real life. How to overcome this? I don't know.
