I’ve got serious issues

[SirPanda]

Alpha Panda...lol setting those long session records.

We’re you ready to go all attack on me or what?
Ahh.. hmm. You know. I wonder what you would have said if I pushed it. 
And now I’ll never know

No attack.  I was just wondering.  I guess Siku cleared it up a little bit.  Still would like to know what your definition of that is.  I wasn't looking at it as some dig on me or vice versa.

And OP, I share some of your feelings.  I too have gone a long time having never been in a relationship.  And being Asian in small town America isn't exactly great for dating social life.  But as others have stated.  You're not the only one feeling the way you do.

Yeah. There are a lot of people out there that share the same pain... but does it matter though? Does it help anything that you know others are suffering for the same thing you do? Seeing that shared pain is in a very ****** up way, a little comforting, but it doesn’t really mean anything. The stuff I’m suffering from may be viewed and felt completely different by another person with the same problems. And there lies the problem. There isn’t that 1 key. It’s different for everyone since we are all indeed “snowflakes”. (Yeah I’m aware of the suckyness of that word ) Different personalities and experiences makes for different outcomes of the same treatment. 
Some goes though life not finding their key, and that’s a very scary thought. 

What’s an undesirable man to me? Hmm.. I do believe everyone has good things in them. I don’t believe there is this “perfect” man that’s gonna fit everyone. I have no problem talking and being friends with all kinds of different males. 
When it comes to relationships.. hmm.. there is one thing that is extremely important for me. I do require the man to be able to stand for himself, what he believes in and that doesn’t think that females are superior to them. 

So what’s an undesirable woman to you Panda?

This is for the OP and Missbehave, so we're not completely hijacking the thread, , but Sure it can make a difference to someone.  Knowing someone has similar experience, they may share some advice or pov from their perspective that can help you on your own journey.  Like Siku related to my situation with Quiet very much.  To the point it was triggering to him.  And he understood where I was coming from.  Sometimes shared experiences let you know you're not the lone crazy person and that you maybe able to get through it after all.  Now my situation I don't want to paint it as so dramatic.  But I think you get the gist of it.  But maybe your own situation is a little more unique.  I don't know all your details.  So I can't speak from a full perspective or with full picture to lend it to an informed opinion.

Undesirable to me.  Hmmm.  Based on recent experiences.  Someone that's extremely shallow and superficial.  Doesn't see the bigger picture, long game.  Unjustified arrogance and judgmentalism and the hypocrisy that comes from it.  Extreme Narcissism.  Just to name a few.

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

I’m going through lots of suicidal ideation right now. The reason being is just for the fact of being disgusted by myself, both for my looks and personality (they go hand in hand). I know that I’m an ugly, botched, odd-looking guy, and that people can see that I’m a strange-looking and acting guy. It has a huge effect on how people evaluate even my personality. They see me as a weirdo, and a botched person. I can tell by evaluating the things people have said (or failed to say) to me over the years. I’m hyper self-aware, and I very much pick up on what is going on around me. I can infer with pretty great detail what people think of me based on things they say/don’t say. For example (and this is just one of thousands), one day my friend, his girlfriend, and myself went to this daytime event. To keep a long story short, she was very good looking, and we happened to be taking my truck. I remember after we had arrived at the event, one of the guys there that I knew really well came up to me and said “Hey [my name], that’s not your girlfriend over there is it?” and I replied “nah”, and he said “I didn’t think so.....no offense.” 

Now, you may think his words were insensitive and mean, but he was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, and what he said was just one of the many glimpses I’ve been given over the years into how people really see me. It was also a glimpse into the truth. I’ve had thousands of these little instances over the course of my life. It’s not what people say when they’re mad and trying to hurt you, it’s what they say when they don’t realize they’re saying it, or don’t realize they’re saying anything wrong. 

It’s also not just what people say, but what they DON’T say. When you’ve really been working on your look, got a fresh new hair style, and you think someone should notice you look good, and you get nothing. Nobody notices. When people are friendlier to others than they are to you, and you know it’s just because that person is attractive, and that’s why.

I know people see me as this goofy, ugly weirdo, and always have. I really just want to put an end to my life. Nothing good about it. Just a failure of natural selection. Looking like I will have to do nature’s job for it.

At the very least, I want nothing to do with the world or with people ever again. I’ve been burned too many times. I want no part of anything this world has to offer. 

It’s too late anyway even if I did want to. I’m 28. I’m too old to be an inexperienced virgin. It’s not like I can just go out like it’s college, and start hitting up people, partying, talking to women, etc... Nobody my age is at this stage. They’ve already moved on. They’ve already had their “coming of age” experiences long ago. It’s over for me. I’m DONE! I missed that phase. The world left me behind.

The only option for me is a bullet to the head.

 

[kaetic]

There's no "right way" or "time limit" for losing your virginity. I knew a guy that lost it when he was seven... I thought that was a bit early, but he was proud of it. Myself, I still haven't had my "v-card punched" and I'm 39. I know, I'm a woman though and I wouldn't understand. Maybe you're right, I did have options... options that would have made me feel like ****, but options.

However, there are plenty of guys on here in the same situation, older than you and still virgins... they talk about it frequently. I think you're placing too much importance on ***. Yes it's important, everyone wants to be loved, but you still have time. 28 is young... I would love to be 28 again. You might not be able to act like your in college (idk you might pass for a graduate student?) but you certainly aren't too old to go clubbing. It's not the best way to meet a significant other (although, you never know) but if your goal is just to get laid... plenty of people hook up by going to bars and clubs. And as far as your negative feelings about your looks... I don't know what you look like, but everyone looks more attractive after you've had a few drinks. Universal truth.

I understand that you feel your "chance" has passed and that you are so severely jaded right now that you don't think it's possible that you could stomach being around a woman anyway. But if you feel that your only option is to die, perhaps you should consider therapy first?

 

[MissBehave]

Alpha Panda...lol setting those long session records.

We’re you ready to go all attack on me or what?
Ahh.. hmm. You know. I wonder what you would have said if I pushed it. 
And now I’ll never know

No attack.  I was just wondering.  I guess Siku cleared it up a little bit.  Still would like to know what your definition of that is.  I wasn't looking at it as some dig on me or vice versa.

And OP, I share some of your feelings.  I too have gone a long time having never been in a relationship.  And being Asian in small town America isn't exactly great for dating social life.  But as others have stated.  You're not the only one feeling the way you do.

Yeah. There are a lot of people out there that share the same pain... but does it matter though? Does it help anything that you know others are suffering for the same thing you do? Seeing that shared pain is in a very ****** up way, a little comforting, but it doesn’t really mean anything. The stuff I’m suffering from may be viewed and felt completely different by another person with the same problems. And there lies the problem. There isn’t that 1 key. It’s different for everyone since we are all indeed “snowflakes”. (Yeah I’m aware of the suckyness of that word ) Different personalities and experiences makes for different outcomes of the same treatment. 
Some goes though life not finding their key, and that’s a very scary thought. 

What’s an undesirable man to me? Hmm.. I do believe everyone has good things in them. I don’t believe there is this “perfect” man that’s gonna fit everyone. I have no problem talking and being friends with all kinds of different males. 
When it comes to relationships.. hmm.. there is one thing that is extremely important for me. I do require the man to be able to stand for himself, what he believes in and that doesn’t think that females are superior to them. 

So what’s an undesirable woman to you Panda?

This is for the OP and Missbehave, so we're not completely hijacking the thread, , but Sure it can make a difference to someone.  Knowing someone has similar experience, they may share some advice or pov from their perspective that can help you on your own journey.  Like Siku related to my situation with Quiet very much.  To the point it was triggering to him.  And he understood where I was coming from.  Sometimes shared experiences let you know you're not the lone crazy person and that you maybe able to get through it after all.  Now my situation I don't want to paint it as so dramatic.  But I think you get the gist of it.  But maybe your own situation is a little more unique.  I don't know all your details.  So I can't speak from a full perspective or with full picture to lend it to an informed opinion.

Undesirable to me.  Hmmm.  Based on recent experiences.  Someone that's extremely shallow and superficial.  Doesn't see the bigger picture, long game.  Unjustified arrogance and judgmentalism and the hypocrisy that comes from it.  Extreme Narcissism.  Just to name a few.

Panda :
I assumed that knowing your not the only one out there with the same problem was common knowledge. I was thinking more regarding healing yourself. The special snowflakes comment was aimed at that, not that there isn't anyone out there that feels similar, cause there most definitely is. 
Hope you'll have a nice day at work!

OP:
I have crossed path with a lot of people that struggle with the same as you do. Not that knowing that is going to change anything but it is a very real problem for a lot of men. Try to look behind that fake first impression of this world and you will see that it's filled with people trying to make themselves appear better than they are. Behind a lot of smiles there is pain in some shape or form.
The guy that said that to you sounds like piece of **** not worth much at all. People like that is disgusting to say the least. Yet, it feels like they do own this world. I see the world split up in 2 sections. Those that have learned from pain and those that haven't. I would always prefer a close relationship with those that have.

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

I guess you just start to feel hopeless, helpless, and worthless after so many years of this

 

[MissBehave]

I too feel that on bad days. 
Today is definitely one of them.
Sending a *hug* your way. 

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

The guy that said that to you sounds like piece of ****

He was not a piece of ****. He was absolutely right in what he said. He also didn’t realize he was saying anything wrong. He most likely thought I was going along with what he was saying, and that I wouldn’t have a problem with it (which I really didn’t). 

It’s not what he said that upset me. Rather it is the underlying truth and reality about myself gathered from these incidents with people that is difficult to deal with. Like I said, I’m keen at taking my everyday experiences with people and infering the truth from them.

I’m actually pro-bullying. I believe that bullying serves a crucial function in human nature, and is even more important in the modern era than it has ever been in human history. Egalitarianism has crippled the world into a dysgenic fertility that will eventually lead to a dystopia. We prop up the genetically-inferior with entitlement programs, and we support and help them, when in my opinion, we should be accepting the tragedy of life, namely, that some people are genetically undesirable, and allowing much more dying to occur. Since modernity has, in effect, “relaxed” natural selection, we now have to actively do its work for it. Bullying serves that purpose. It pushes people to off themselves, which is no doubt an absolute tragedy for that individual and their loved ones, but strangely a good thing for overall greater good. It’s a grim and tragic reality I know, but it’s either that or the world sinks into depravity and entropy.

So yeah, some people shouldn’t be helped. We don’t need to prop up the undesirables and help them. Doing so just facilitates dysgenic effects on humanity.

 

[harper]

As it relates to evolution, "desirability" changes with the context. A lot of antrhopology is dubious, but I think there may be truth to the notion that, currently, obesity is viewed as less desirable because it implies poor underlying health/survivability. In the past, and even in some present cultures, it implied wealth or power.

But at any given moment, there are other traits that are perceived as desirable: intelligence, humor, loyalty and all forms of strength. Within Western society, we (especially women) seek different traits at different times of Life.

I think the big concern for most people over 30 is security. Which means stability, diligence, common sense and dedication. You might be pleasantly surprised when your pool of potential partners becomes less concerned about appearance. So it might pay to invest your efforts into building that kind of cred so you'll be ready when the divorcees start rolling in. :O)

 

[SirPanda]

The guy that said that to you sounds like piece of ****

He was not a piece of ****. He was absolutely right in what he said. He also didn’t realize he was saying anything wrong. He most likely thought I was going along with what he was saying, and that I wouldn’t have a problem with it (which I really didn’t). 

It’s not what he said that upset me. Rather it is the underlying truth and reality about myself gathered from these incidents with people that is difficult to deal with. Like I said, I’m keen at taking my everyday experiences with people and infering the truth from them.

I’m actually pro-bullying. I believe that bullying serves a crucial function in human nature, and is even more important in the modern era than it has ever been in human history. Egalitarianism has crippled the world into a dysgenic fertility that will eventually lead to a dystopia. We prop up the genetically-inferior with entitlement programs, and we support and help them, when in my opinion, we should be accepting the tragedy of life, namely, that some people are genetically undesirable, and allowing much more dying to occur. Since modernity has, in effect, “relaxed” natural selection, we now have to actively do its work for it. Bullying serves that purpose. It pushes people to off themselves, which is no doubt an absolute tragedy for that individual and their loved ones, but strangely a good thing for overall greater good. It’s a grim and tragic reality I know, but it’s either that or the world sinks into depravity and entropy.

So yeah, some people shouldn’t be helped. We don’t need to prop up the undesirables and help them. Doing so just facilitates dysgenic effects on humanity.

Yeah that Genie isn't going back into the bottle.  I agree to some extent.  Because facing bullies is an absolute must because it teaches you how to deal with people that are not your friend.  And in real life such as the work place you will not be protected always.  

I don't necessarily agree with your assessment that egalitarianism will lead to dysgenics or the fatalistic idea of a dystopia.  By that reasoning why evolve medicine?  Human body should evolve to heal it self from ailments right?  But our human intelligence has advanced our ability to heal the human body artificially.  Creating medicines and methods of healing by purposely adjusting diets and supplements, etc.

I mean by your reasoning  why alter any human artificially created help.  In effect we humans by using our collective intelligence has advanced many things to making living in a civil society better for the many.  Are you suggesting we just stop and let the cards fall where they may?  Sounds like you want anarchy?  The strong in a civilized culture protect the weak.  This has been forever.  The creation of modern civilization has in effect altered human evolution.  Be it health, food supply, housing.  We've created things that allow people to live healthier fruitful lives and created massive systems to guide people.  Schools that train and teach for jobs.  And in turn this perpetual feeding of a economic system that drives our modern human survival in the systems we've created in each part of the world in some form or another.  We've chosen to evolve minds after it has evolved to a level of self awareness and ingenuity.  And some use it for good.  Some for bad.  It feels like you got caught up in the bad.  And now want to watch the world burn because you got dealt a bad hand of cards?  Most humans are empathetic.  And fortunately that is partly what drives the positive in humanity and the systems it has created to sustain society.  The evil and depraved will always pray on those it perceives as weak.  That doesn't mean just let it happen to sort out the strong vs the weak.  
It's overly pessimistic to think it will all lead to dystopia because you think compassion and empathy for those less than are being propped up or supported?  If anything that makes the whole stronger and better.

I understand reality has more nuance and detail.  And that I'm being very generalized here.  But this a quick gut reaction to the fatalistic view you have.  As I only partly agree with that view.  But I also see that humanity helping the weak too as being beneficial to the whole of humanity.  Not a detriment.

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

Really what it boils down to is... I’m done with it all. I no longer want any of this stuff. I’m disgusted beyond reversing.

 

[LostintheBardo]

OP I'm 28 and have barely any sexual experience and I know all the feelings you are describing. One thing that is starting to really help me is that I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu this year and although I'm not a natural at it and it has it's moments where I want to give up, overall I can feel that it's starting to do a lot for my confidence. I'm training for a competition next Saturday and this training often involves going at it with a training partner while everyone else in the gym is watching, a situation I find nerve wracking but being forced to do it is making me mentally stronger and slowly giving me more self-respect. Maybe you should think about doing something like this.

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

OP I'm 28 and have barely any sexual experience and I know all the feelings you are describing. One thing that is starting to really help me is that I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu this year and although I'm not a natural at it and it has it's moments where I want to give up, overall I can feel that it's starting to do a lot for my confidence. I'm training for a competition next Saturday and this training often involves going at it with a training partner while everyone else in the gym is watching, a situation I find nerve wracking but being forced to do it is making me mentally stronger and slowly giving me more self-respect. Maybe you should think about doing something like this.

Its a very nice suggestion, but I'm afraid doing something like this would be completely irrelevant to the problem, and I'm also afraid that at 28 there simply arent any options left. The way human mating works out, there simply aren't any available women at this age. Or at least, if there are, theres a reason why they're still single/available. If you find a single, childless woman at this age, shes most likely one you dont want to get involved with. The good women get scooped up quick by men. They don't just hang out there.

Also, even if there are one or two rare ones out there who are qualify women of good character who arent taken, theres no way theyd be into me. So when you truly look at it, theres just no hope for guys like me.. brazillian jiu jitsu is irrelevant.

 

[LostintheBardo]

OP I'm 28 and have barely any sexual experience and I know all the feelings you are describing. One thing that is starting to really help me is that I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu this year and although I'm not a natural at it and it has it's moments where I want to give up, overall I can feel that it's starting to do a lot for my confidence. I'm training for a competition next Saturday and this training often involves going at it with a training partner while everyone else in the gym is watching, a situation I find nerve wracking but being forced to do it is making me mentally stronger and slowly giving me more self-respect. Maybe you should think about doing something like this.

Its a very nice suggestion, but I'm afraid doing something like this would be completely irrelevant to the problem, and I'm also afraid that at 28 there simply arent any options left. The way human mating works out, there simply aren't any available women at this age. Or at least, if there are, theres a reason why they're still single/available. If you find a single, childless woman at this age, shes most likely one you dont want to get involved with. The good women get scooped up quick by men. They don't just hang out there.

Also, even if there are one or two rare ones out there who are qualify women of good character who arent taken, theres no way theyd be into me. So when you truly look at it, theres just no hope for guys like me.. brazillian jiu jitsu is irrelevant.

Even if we assume that childless women in their late 20s are really hard to find, what makes you think you couldn't date women in their early 20s? Men in their 30s do this, sometimes a older than that.

 

[ardour]

OP, I was bullied and humiliated relentlessly as a child/adolescent then I spent my 20's cowering from my anxieties and hiding under a cap, worried about the resemblance to my father.

You say there's no women out there but you're just speculating. It's more common now for people not settle down until their late 20s/early 30s, and sure maybe the lack of experience and your appearance will be an issue, but it's better to find this out for yourself instead of relegating yourself to the dustheap at 28.

 

[LostintheBardo]

OP, I was bullied and humiliated relentlessly as a  child/adolescent then I spent my 20's cowering from my anxieties and hiding under a cap, worried about the resemblance my father.

You say there's no appropriate women out there but  you're just speculating.  It's more common now for people not settle down until their late 20s/early 30s, and sure maybe the lack of experience and appearance will be an issue, but it's better to find this out for yourself instead of relegating yourself to the dustheap at 28.

This was kind of the point of me bringing up the BJJ. It's forcing me to come out from the cowering, especially competition prepping and of course competing on the day.

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

I will most likely give up the fight on the female issue. I know for a fact I will never attract a woman. Best to except it, and let it go. Thats just the way it is. You would have to meet me to understand why. You all would get it if you met me. You would understand why I say this of myself. It's just simply the truth.

Nevertheless, I'm right on the verge of making a fortune with my hemp farming venture. I have grown a masterful 10-acre grow of hemp, and harvest is now in full swing. I'm putting in 14-16 hour days with my crew harvesting and hanging the plants for drying. I have secured a buyer for $200/lb for dispensary-quality bud, and once I'm done harvesting and processing, I will have between 4,500-6,000 lbs of the stuff. The buyer is contracted to purchase everything. A local broker whom I trust has sourced my product for me to this buyer, and has set up an escrow account for our sale. So, surreal as it is to say, in roughly 60 days I will have over 1 million dollars.

It has been a load of hard work, commitment, and risk to make this happen, but it is actually happening.

But unfortunately know this still will not change my situation with women one bit.

 

[MissBehave]

One million dollars makes you a viable daddy for a hot poor chick

 

[Barely Real]

One million dollars might get you a more materialistically minded, probably somewhat dimwitted woman. Unless she's rich herself. Not sure if that will make you, or her, happy though. Best of luck to you with what sounds like a lucrative project. May I ask why you think you will never be able to attract a woman?

 

[TheSkaFish]

Nevertheless, I'm right on the verge of making a fortune with my hemp farming venture. I have grown a masterful 10-acre grow of hemp, and harvest is now in full swing. I'm putting in 14-16 hour days with my crew harvesting and hanging the plants for drying. I have secured a buyer for $200/lb for dispensary-quality bud, and once I'm done harvesting and processing, I will have between 4,500-6,000 lbs of the stuff. The buyer is contracted to purchase everything. A local broker whom I trust has sourced my product for me to this buyer, and has set up an escrow account for our sale. So, surreal as it is to say, in roughly 60 days I will have over 1 million dollars.

It has been a load of hard work, commitment, and risk to make this happen, but it is actually happening.

Off topic, but I'm curious how someone can own 10 acres of land, have enough knowledge of farming and all the small tasks that make up everything that goes into it, have money for startup costs as well as day-to-day operating expenses, money to pay people, money to live on before you are able to sell the crop, and have enough business acumen to set up the whole operation all under 30 years of age.

Did you work somewhere else first, and decide to buy land and weed and everything else? Or was it a family farm?

I'm not doubting it or anything. I just wonder how it came about, cause most people don't have the initial opportunities to be in a position to do something like that.

 

[ITellYouHhwut]

One million dollars makes you a viable daddy for a hot poor chick

Nevertheless, I'm right on the verge of making a fortune with my hemp farming venture. I have grown a masterful 10-acre grow of hemp, and harvest is now in full swing. I'm putting in 14-16 hour days with my crew harvesting and hanging the plants for drying. I have secured a buyer for $200/lb for dispensary-quality bud, and once I'm done harvesting and processing, I will have between 4,500-6,000 lbs of the stuff. The buyer is contracted to purchase everything. A local broker whom I trust has sourced my product for me to this buyer, and has set up an escrow account for our sale. So, surreal as it is to say, in roughly 60 days I will have over 1 million dollars.

It has been a load of hard work, commitment, and risk to make this happen, but it is actually happening.

Off topic, but I'm curious how someone can own 10 acres of land, have enough knowledge of farming and all the small tasks that make up everything that goes into it, have money for startup costs as well as day-to-day operating expenses, money to pay people, money to live on before you are able to sell the crop, and have enough business acumen to set up the whole operation all under 30 years of age.

Did you work somewhere else first, and decide to buy land and weed and everything else?  Or was it a family farm?

I'm not doubting it or anything.  I just wonder how it came about, cause most people don't have the initial opportunities to be in a position to do something like that.

No that's a perfectly good question.

Yeah, so I grew up on a 225 acre farm, so there was no overhead cost in the land. A local dispensary opened in my small town, and they started a farmer's collective to introduce this newly-legalized crop to the local farmers, after which many land owners in the county decided to give it a go. I convinced my dad we should get in on the ground floor of the CBD hemp industry, so we decided to grow 10 acres, which turned out to be a success. That's the short of it. Of course there are more details, but my dad was the benefactor of if all, but I've done the lions share of the work. So its largely been my project.